Tag Archives: relativity

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Unlocking One-Liners

Knowing how to pick locks….
….has really opened a lot of doors for me.

Is Joe Biden a good dresser?….
….No, but he makes a great end table

A furniture store keeps calling me….
….but I only wanted one night stand.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating….
….and I was, like, OMG.

The last time I was somebody’s type….
….I was donating blood.

I met my wife at The Castanets Club….
….We clicked right away.

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?….
….Because it’s in its ‘ground state.’

How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.

Optimists: The glass is half full….
….Pessimists: The glass is half empty….
….Cat owners: The glass is knocked over.

Cats are like “Hey, what are you up to?….
…. Never mind—I just remembered I don’t care.”

A fun part of having a black cat is occasionally accidentally talking….
….to a crumpled up black T-shirt on the floor.

Somewhere there is a house cat….
….that did more than I did today.

I like birthdays….
….but I think too many can kill you.

The NSA walks into a bar…..
….“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says….
….The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”

A screwdriver rolls into a bar….
….The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”….
….The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip?”

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here….”
….A time traveler walks into a bar.

I’ve been trying to write a new pizza joke….
….but I can’t work out the delivery.

I got invited to a hair-washing party….
….I’ve got no excuse not to go.

How to deal with stress at work….
….1: Don’t go!  The end.

Monorail operators….
….have a one-track mind.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?….
….To get to the bottom.

For our chemistry exam, we had to write a thousand words on acid….
….Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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Mental Health

The voice-mail menu at the Board of Mental Health lists;

If you are obsessive/compulsive, press #1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, have someone press #2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press #3, 4 or 5.
If you are possessed by Satan, press #666.
If you have gambling problems, press #7 – 11
If you hear voices, press whatever number they tell you to.
If you are paranoid, just hang up. We know who you are, and are coming to get you.

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A high school science teacher standing in front of a class of seniors, suddenly asks, ‘What part of the human body is seven times as strong as steel, pound for pound? Miss Johnson??”

Startled, Southern Belle, Miss Johnson replies, “Well, I’m sure I don’t know. I can’t understand why you would ask me a question like that!”

The teacher says, “The answer is, a human hair. And you, Miss Johnson, are an optimist.”

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If the world is my oyster, I think I’m allergic to shellfish.

The difference between genius and stupidity, is that genius has its limits.

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Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in
the hospital, near death. The family called their
pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood
next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to
deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed
him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used
his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then
he died. The pastor thought it best not to look
at the note at that time, so he placed it in
his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message,
he realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said,
“You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before
he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing
Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration
there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Asshole, you’re
standing on my oxygen tube!”

***

The nude model climbed up the ladder,
As the painter, Titian, had bade her.
The position, to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder, and had her.

The was a young lady from Bright,
Who could travel faster than light.
She set off one day,
In a relative way,
And returned the previous night.