Tag Archives: surgery

Five weeks…

18 Sunday Nov 2018

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and two days…until Christmas!  Maybe you didn’t want to hear that but, in all honesty, it’s kind of what’s keeping me going these days!

As you know, from previous blog posts, I’ve been feeling kind of melancholy and to those of you who know me really well, that’s an understatement!

So Christmas is helping to keep me going.  I have my bells on my door and I set up my Nativity on Thursday so I have started.  I’d have the entire place decorated if it wasn’t such a disaster!  All in good time!

Much of that comes from the reflection I have been experiencing since my surgery… it was one year ago on Friday and it was one year ago today that I came home (a couple hours from now yet) and crawled onto my bed and promptly fell asleep!  But I have a greater appreciation for the holidays because of last year.  One thing I am going to miss is being home and curling up on the couch and watching Christmas movies with the cats and having some wonderful visitors.  I feel like this year will go to waste if I’m not careful!  But everything I’ve been through also gives a sense of joy.  I have not regretted having my surgery which is probably the most important part… besides, I even managed to write a book out of it!

I have been a bad girl and not been doing much writing for NaNo… ho hum!  Most of the time I’ve been too tired after work to write.

Which brings me to an interesting post I came across on Facebook last night posted by CBC… it says that Canadian authors make $9,000 a year.  Someone, who is clearly NOT a writer, commented to say that we should get a job and write in our spare time… okay, go ahead and try that Miss non-writer.  Often times, after you have spent eight hours at a job where you’ve put a smile on your melancholy face and given your best you just come home and crash rather than have the energy.  Of course Mondays I come home and turn around and head on what is turning into a 40 minute drive to the college to teach for a couple more hours!  So I just want to let Miss non-writer know that we writers do our best but it often isn’t the reality… it often isn’t that simple.

I also have a big baby at home who seems to be feeding off my moods and does everything he can be to be in my lap and, well, on the laptop as I try to write this!

I finally saw a former patient from family practice yesterday and we had a great chat.  That actually helped lift my spirits a bit towards where I am now and what I’m doing.

The new furniture in the office looks great and I think I can finally, maybe try to settle in for a while and just be… maybe I can find some peace after all!

What I really want is my energy levels to boost back up (which is also very difficult with the onset of my SAD) so I could come home from work and have some energy to write.

Well, my friends, all in good time!

 

 

I’m Just Not Happy…

28 Sunday Oct 2018

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I have been busy, yes, too busy to even come up with a blog post.  Too busy and too overwhelmed to come up with a blog post.

And incredibly disappointed.  In myself, in the new job, and, in some ways, the world in general.

I should write about it!

As anyone who has been following this blog knows, I was incredibly unhappy at the old job.  And I actually have NO regrets whatsoever in leaving.  I miss it because it was my home for more than 12 years but I don’t miss the stuff!

I knew going out that the new job was likely not to be my final stop but I didn’t think that a month in I’d be as disillusioned as I am already.  And maybe it’s completely related to being told on day 2 that the entire office needs to be packed up for painting and then not being given enough time to unpack it and doing training on top of it all which meant less time to unpack and organize.  Out of only 15 shifts I have had a trainee with me for 7! I never really got the chance to settle in… oh, and now we’re getting new furniture which means that at some point in the very near future, everything has to be packed up, again!  I also haven’t adapted to the new schedule yet either.

So I’m starting to open my job post emails again though I haven’t applied for anything, yet.  I really thought I could just coast through the rest of the year at least before I ramped up the search.  I have to admit, I do miss the challenges of family practice.  In whatever I do, I also need to make sure I have free time and hours to offer the wellness studio.

So starting Thursday is NaNoWriMo!  Let’s see if I can not only get off my butt and write every day but that I can find, deep in the recesses of my brain, a story to tell!  There’s not much there right now!

The other awesome, exciting thing is that Christmas movies start on Thursday on W Channel here in Canada… tonight on Hallmark in the US.  Just in case anyone needed to know that!  So this Thursday, since it’s one of my days off, my intention is to have W on all day and just bask in the movies and the messages they send.  I am going to miss that this year… it was one of the upsides of my surgery last year even though it didn’t happen until the 16th of November.

I am so excited about the movies starting this year because it has made me realize that despite my surgery last year and the circumstances around that, it was a very special Christmas.  Being off (yes, post-surgical pain and the subsequent repercussions included), allowed me to bask in the season… my favourite season.  I had visitors, I was surrounded by my Christmas decorations.  I could listen to my Christmas music and watch the movies.

I recorded about a dozen of them and I have been watching them… they have been grounding me almost… and with the endings, yes, as predictable as they are, I am usually in tears… that’s how much the messages are getting to me.

It has been a long, tough year, almost 2 years and I’m seeing things in much different light than I did… hopefully that’s as much a part of maturing as it is growth.  Spiritual growth even though the waist is growing a bit too.  I can feel the change and, when I’m at peace, I’m enjoying it immensely.

Just Hangin’

20 Wednesday Jun 2018

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I am reaching the end of my non-fiction title on hysterectomies.  I’ve started the process of writing a query letter and wondering how or where I might find a publisher willing to take on 21,500 words.  I know it’s short but I’m trying to keep it short, sweet and to the point.  Women who are going to have this surgery have a lot on their minds and don’t need a book full of medical jargon and babble to wade through because it needs to be 50,000 words or more.

So that has me down a little bit… so did printing it!  I always print my manuscripts double sided to save paper and somehow there was a glitch with the printer and I ended up with multiples of the same page.  Pages 1-10 came out normal and that’s it.

On the up side, the anthology I had a story accepted for arrived in the mail yesterday.  It was much smaller than I thought it would be but it’s exciting all the same!

I feel positive about my writing at the same time as feeling down.  I’m not sure what those feelings are about.  I realize it’s all part of the writing path but the emotional ups and downs are similar to crashing storm waves vs the gentle waves that don’t even turn to white caps as they hit the shore.

Maybe it’s the feeling of just hanging right now… I’m hanging at my job, I’m hanging on waiting for responses from a couple of contests… I’ve reached the end of the line on Hysterectomy & You (working title) having completed three edits and I’m terrified to move on to a query letter.  I’d really like to see this book out there because I think it would help a lot of people.  I was hoping to not self-publish it because it’s harder to get the reach and sell it.

If anyone has suggestions, ideas, thoughts… as always they are more than welcome!

What a weekend…

02 Monday Apr 2018

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It was a long weekend and from the perspective of writing it’s just what I needed!

I got an incredible amount of editing done, though not entered, and even though I didn’t get through as many Life Coaching modules as I wanted to I did get caught up on all the “paperwork” for that course so I can get to know where I stand as far as balance in my life as well as my personality typed.  Now I’m ready to jump back into the videos again!

But now I’m sitting at my desk, at work (yes, I’m writing this at work) wishing beyond wishes that I could be back at home surrounded my my writing projects, entering all the edits I made on paper and getting my guest blog posts written.  Ho hum… later.

I have also been experiencing a fair amount of fatigue and surgical-site tenderness again.  All part of the healing process I’m sure but frustrating as I feel like I take five steps forward, four steps back.

I am realizing so much from evaluating my life and I’m finding I’m generally happier even though I’m still in this job.  I’m leaving it at work easier than I was before and I think the return to writing has helped change that.

I’m also finding that my desire to write, to make life changes and to focus on what I enjoy is getting stronger and it’s getting more difficult to try to stamp it down and tell it to go away because it’s one of those gut feelings and you know it’s probably more right and more accurate than what my brain is trying to tell me!

So, everyone, get in front of your computers, or grab a piece of paper and write.  Today is Day 2 of NaNoWriMo Camp and you get to set your own word limit so there’s still time to sign up and start writing that novel you’ve always wanted to write!  You can even set your writing goal at 20,000 words if you want instead of 50,000.

Go for it!

Listen to your gut!

My Single Wish

27 Tuesday Feb 2018

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I sit at work these days and I continue to ask myself what am I doing here?

And all that goes through my mind is my one, single wish (yes, redundant on purpose) is to be at home with a notebook and pen or on my laptop writing, something.

It could be one of the novels I have started; it could be a new novel.

It could be editing my health article about taking control of your health… your body.

It could also be the “whatever” I have started about hysterectomies based on my experience and what “they” don’t tell you but what to expect.

Of course, as per life rules (Murphy’s Law), I would need to be getting paid to do this and that is where I feel trapped!

I am trying so hard to write in my off-time but I’m always so tired that I struggle to come up with a coherent thing to say!

What I really need is to win the lottery!

Sound like a plan?

Owning what I can…

06 Tuesday Feb 2018

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My life has been insane for over a year as most of you know.

As I try to move out of the fog of the last year I find myself constantly being pulled back in.  When I want to put the pieces back together there’s someone who keeps taking the pieces away from me.

Post-surgically I’m still experiencing pain, numbness, burning, tingling and swelling at the surgical site and I still find I’m exhausted at the end of a day.  I try to rest but it seems the more I say I’m tired the more everyone expects me to give! It’s definitely a different world!

Work is killing me and I’m not just talking fatigue.  I’m talking about if-I-don’t-get-out-of-that-place-soon-I-might-jump-off-a-bridge syndrome.  But I’m not even getting any interviews which is REALLY frustrating!  Am I doing something wrong?

Then there is my writing.  I want to but don’t seem to be able to.  I’m thinking I’m going to HAVE to make another to-do list of some kind and start pushing my brain into it… I keep thinking I should start by editing some of my past work but the fatigue has been so bad I have difficulties focusing, even in the middle of a Saturday.  Perhaps first thing in the morning?  I don’t usually feel too bad at that time.

Other than that I haven’t figured anything else out, yet.  I’m too tired now!

All Clear!

21 Sunday Jan 2018

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We are three weeks into 2018 and the entire year has been a big ball of stressful challenges!  I wanted to avoid that.  I wanted the slate to be wiped clean! But I did have to go back to work and that’s where the bulk of my stress is coming from!

On the other hand I have managed to write an article on how to be in control of your health.  It just flowed out which, as you can imagine, was awesome!  The trouble seems to be trying to place what I write.

I am also looking for a new job.  I had an interview last Monday evening and then had to go for a shadow session to see what it is they do.  I thought I’d have to weigh pros and cons because they weren’t going to be able to give me enough hours but they never called me.  I have been trying to put a price tag on my sanity…

What would you do?

I also had my post-op follow-up appointment with the surgeon.  Everything is healing really well.  I had to do some blood work… it turns out that I ended up going through menopause in eight weeks or less… no wonder I have been having issues!  There were no malignant cells on the pathology report!

I think my biggest challenge is that I still tire so quickly but it’s difficult to discern how much of that is from the work stress and how much is coming from being nine weeks post-op and my schedule getting busier as I also started to teach again last Wednesday and will be teaching two classes this semester.

I feel like I have been wracking my brain for something to write; anything to write.  I seem to draw a blank every time I think about it so I’m trying to focus on other things.  I went to Chapters to get some writing magazines and there were none there!  I don’t know if they’re not going to carry them anymore or if it was the changeover and the new ones were about to be shelved.  I might have to subscribe again.

So if anyone knows someone who might be hiring and looking to take a chance on someone who can write just about anything she puts her mind to, let me know!

Going on Four Weeks

12 Tuesday Dec 2017

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Many days have passed and I will be four weeks post-op on Thursday.

However I have more pain and discomfort than I thought I would at this point and I tire very easily and with little effort.  The other day I wrapped four gifts and had to go sit down! This is making it incredibly difficult to prepare for Christmas.

I am also feeling very depressed because of those feelings and today I feel very harassed.  I feel like everyone is pressuring me suddenly to go back to work and go back full time starting next week!  Now, I can’t do! I know I have to cover for the boss who is on vacation but I can’t do 28 hours in a week.  I’m not supposed to be doing any time and getting people to understand that is like trying to get the kitten to sit and stay!  I’m not even supposed to drive and I haven’t been at all.  I have relied on others to give me a ride.  I understand the rationale behind that which is why I’m trying to hold off as long as possible.

In fact, I’m very likely going to be sending my regrets to my former boss with regards to dinner tomorrow night because by 4:30 in the afternoon I’m beat and even short spans of social interaction wear me out very quickly.  I guess what’s most frustrating is people’s lack of ability to understand.  I know not everyone can relate.

In other news…

  1. I was supposed to have an interview this morning that was cancelled because they needed someone immediately… another reason to feel depressed today after I had felt so hopeful yesterday.  I don’t know what else to do and am feeling pretty disheartened right now.
  2. This weekend–Friday, Saturday and Sunday–and next–Friday and Saturday–all of my Kindle books are FREE!
  3. Writer’s Block still plagues me.  I’d like to say something came of that idea I had but, unfortunately, no.  At least not right now.

I’d love to have the ability to re-evaluate but I just feel like I hit a wall every way I turn.  I feel like road blocks line my path.

I think I’ll go back and do what I do best… and that is to rest!

Two weeks…

01 Friday Dec 2017

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I can’t believe it has been two weeks since my surgery!

I have been wanting to write a post and have even had a few false starts… however, my concentration hasn’t returned yet so I end up giving up.

So here I am trying again.

Okay, so first, the surgery… it went as well as expected according to the surgeon.  However, as significant amount of endometriosis was discovered and I lost an ovary to this.  I am on the mend but much more slowly than I had anticipated.  I still have pain in my tummy and at the incision.  I still have a fair number of bruises, some are fading, some don’t seem like they’ll ever budge!  The pain causes more fatigue and I’m finding myself napping, or attempting to, in the afternoons.  Lastly, as I already mentioned, my concentration has been impaired.  I’m sure, in time, this will return to normal but I need to give it time.

So I have been doing puzzles–crosswords, word searches and fill-ins–and watching a ton of Christmas movies.  So much so that I have actually come up with an idea of my own and put pen to paper with it this morning.  The trouble with that is the kitten who keeps trying to either help or steal my pen!

I’m not sure which it is.  Between him and my lack of focus it’s going to be hard enough to try to get the ideas from brain to page.

There is much going on outside my recovery, most of which is having a negative impact on my recovery.  I won’t get into that right now but let’s just say that I am definitely back in the hunt for a new job.

I’m going to end it here before the focus cuts out and I start to ramble!  I hope it gets easier to focus and write sooner than later.

As always, I will keep you posted.

The Finish Line

15 Wednesday Nov 2017

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That’s the title for tomorrow!

As I go through my day today, the last with crazy cells in my body, I keep picturing tomorrow as the finish line.  That dawned on me yesterday as I was talking to patients for the last time before my day was done that it really is a finish line of sorts.  I have spent just shy of a year wondering, worrying, going from procedure to consult with, seemingly, no answers.  “Just one more procedure”.

Of course I lost my grandmother and my boss of 11 years in the first six months of that year and I can’t say whether that made a difference to this or not but here I am.

Tomorrow by this time, if everything goes on time and I respond the way I should, I should be settled in my room.  I will have a fresh 12″ incision in my lower abdomen but the there will be no further threat from those bad cells.

And then I will pause in order to recover.  I will rest, I will read, I will write and address Christmas cards.  I will have others do all the things that need doing… laundry, cooking, dishes, vacuuming, etc… and I will heal and I will get stronger.  Then I will move onto the starting gate… the start of, well, I don’t know.

I have to try to negotiate that.  Stress, anxiety, worrying and not-great test results have become all I know.  Where do I go from here?  I don’t know.  What do I want to do?  I want to get back to my writing.  I want to feel that pleasure of putting words on the page and planning story arcs and creating characters and letting them live in my mind and tell the story while I become the mode of telling that story.  Just writing about that doesn’t even bring me much pleasure right now.  There’s a twinge.

Perhaps this will be the time for starting that job search all over again.

Well, no matter what the New Year brings, I hope that it is positive and filled with magic and wonder… exactly what this year has not had!

I will post an update as soon as I feel up to it.

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