Tag Archives: future

The Finish Line

15 Wednesday Nov 2017

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That’s the title for tomorrow!

As I go through my day today, the last with crazy cells in my body, I keep picturing tomorrow as the finish line.  That dawned on me yesterday as I was talking to patients for the last time before my day was done that it really is a finish line of sorts.  I have spent just shy of a year wondering, worrying, going from procedure to consult with, seemingly, no answers.  “Just one more procedure”.

Of course I lost my grandmother and my boss of 11 years in the first six months of that year and I can’t say whether that made a difference to this or not but here I am.

Tomorrow by this time, if everything goes on time and I respond the way I should, I should be settled in my room.  I will have a fresh 12″ incision in my lower abdomen but the there will be no further threat from those bad cells.

And then I will pause in order to recover.  I will rest, I will read, I will write and address Christmas cards.  I will have others do all the things that need doing… laundry, cooking, dishes, vacuuming, etc… and I will heal and I will get stronger.  Then I will move onto the starting gate… the start of, well, I don’t know.

I have to try to negotiate that.  Stress, anxiety, worrying and not-great test results have become all I know.  Where do I go from here?  I don’t know.  What do I want to do?  I want to get back to my writing.  I want to feel that pleasure of putting words on the page and planning story arcs and creating characters and letting them live in my mind and tell the story while I become the mode of telling that story.  Just writing about that doesn’t even bring me much pleasure right now.  There’s a twinge.

Perhaps this will be the time for starting that job search all over again.

Well, no matter what the New Year brings, I hope that it is positive and filled with magic and wonder… exactly what this year has not had!

I will post an update as soon as I feel up to it.

A Perfect World…

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

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Yesterday morning I engaged in a discussion about if it was a perfect world!  It started because we were talking about my daughter passing or not passing math and if it was a perfect world.  It did, however, spill over into adult life.

IF it was a perfect world, all of my books would have sold millions of copies and I would get to stay at home (wherever that might be) and write and spend my time doing what I want to do.

My dreams would have come true along with everyone else’s and that’s where it becomes a problem!  What if everyone’s deepest desires were all true?  I think we are destined to live in a non-perfect world.

On Sunday morning I visited the basement and I pulled out a book I had made.  I can’t remember where I got the craft idea from anymore but it was a book of dreams.  This is what was in it:

I was shocked when I opened it because these are my dreams still… especially the photo and writing business!  Nowhere in here was a thing about teaching.  Sure, I love to teach but since I made this (and it’s been at least THREE years) I’ve lost sight of what these dreams were.

I think I’m getting there now.  There is no camp and I’m free on my vacation that week now so much of it will be spent trying to sort through things and start planning.  I read something on Facebook this morning… The best way to tell the future is make the future.  I didn’t pay attention to who said it but it was not me so credit lies elsewhere.  It’s true.  So many other sayings talk about living for today but we all have to plan our futures, even if it’s saving for retirement.  We can’t wait too long.  I definitely understand that there may not be a tomorrow as I’ve seen many lives cut short but we have to plan.  I don’t think planning for our futures means that we’re not living for today.  Me spending my vacation time writing lives for both today and the future.  The time I spend planning for my future means that I have something to live for.

And that’s my speech for today! (lol)

Live today but don’t be afraid of planning for tomorrow.  I don’t think anyone else said that so this time it’s my credit.

 

Wonder

23 Saturday Jan 2016

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I often wonder where my life is headed.  I look back where I’ve been and I look at where I am now.  I wonder where the road is going and I can’t help it!  So much has changed and with it I have changed too.  We all change, it’s just whether it’s for the good, or for the bad.

Perhaps I get caught up in where I’m going because I spend so much time writing the future for my characters.  They get to know, why can’t I?

I think it’s a valid question.  I think it’s fair that if they get to know, so should I!

But life isn’t written that way.  We, unfortunately, don’t get to have a sneak peak.  Our lives don’t get to unfold like movies either!

I’m always reading that we have to make our futures.  But how?  As I understand it, our lives are like the Choose Your Own Adventure books that became popular when I was about ten so my interest in them didn’t last long as I was an extremely advanced reader.  Your destiny is basically chosen.  It’s the choices that are made that make it better, or worse I suppose.  We choose our own adventures along the way.

What happens when someone else’s choice affects ours?

As writers we get to dictate all of that through our characters.  We get to choose their adventures.  I guess they don’t really know the ending either until all the events have unfolded.  Only we do.  We plan ahead and are able to make our characters fit the ending… we can give them the means to get there whereas we don’t have anyone offering us the means to get where we need, or want, to go.  We also keep what we write to a single part of a person’s life.  We only tell a small portion of the before and we wrap up that segment of their life with a neat little bow.  We don’t see if they fight and get divorced.  We don’t see if they become unemployed.  We put the story to rest at the ending and we shelve it.  We don’t think about their destiny any further because we have our own to think about.

These are the times when I wish I had a crystal ball and could actually see into it.  To see where I’m going.  I want to do so much but can’t afford it.  I want to make the extra money from my writing but can’t seem to get there either.

So as it stands, all I can do right now is choose to stomp my feet and yell IT’S NOT FAIR!

A Fresh Month, a Clean Slate?

01 Sunday Mar 2015

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Wouldn’t it be wonderful, sometimes, if we could just forget about all the things that have happened in the past and just look to the future?  I know that we are told constantly that we cannot dwell on the past as we cannot change it… it’s very true but, as humans, we not only retain that information but we can also regret some of it.

I regret much!  Most of it has been packed away in its own little cubicle and I have made peace with it.  It’s about all I can do!

So we have made it to March and hopefully things (mainly the weather) are looking up.  I am resigning from this second job effective the end of the month.  Much has happened there and this is one of those regrets!  I’m going to return to having the additional time to focus on mundane activities pertaining to writing–editing, planning, teaching and, of course, writing!

I can’t remember if I have mentioned it before but I’d like to start a website based on my medical background–I just have to find out what I can and cannot do.  So that’s one of the challenges I would like to take on in addition to writing–of course it is writing as I would be providing medical articles!

I have also been evaluating all the things I could do based on my years of writing and my years in medicine and my sixteen-and-a-half years of parenting, mostly single parenting!  All of these can be transformed into articles and I’m beginning to see that much more clearly now.

My focus has honed inward–perhaps it’s one of the few positives I will take away from this part-time job that I regret–it turned that focus for me.  It altered my thinking and forced me to reach into my brain and start listing all of the topics I have experience in and, therefore, be able to write about!

I challenge you to do the same!  Make a list of all your life experiences and then break that down further into topics!

Happy listing!

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