Tag Archives: lost

Back to same-old!

17 Monday Jun 2019

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Today was a bit of a downer after yesterday!  It’s that day when you realize you have to get out of bed and go to work when the only weekend day you had off produced very little editing or anything else I was hoping to accomplish, though it CERTAINLY produced other positives didn’t it?

I have managed to get a fair bit of editing done from Thursday to today… I was up to page 58 this morning, entered changes up to page 25 before going back and doing more pencil edits leaving off around page 80.  There are 254 pages so you can put it in context.

There are some edits I’ve made where I’ve been silly enough to put he instead of she or I’ve missed either opening or closing quotations.  I enjoy editing most of the time when I’m cutting and adding and smoothing the rough edges of the first draft!  Most people probably think I’m crazy!

Editing lets you get in touch with your story; your creation.  You get to see it as the big picture and it lets you go through and perfect it.  How many of have flaws that we wish we could change sometimes?  We can’t make those changes, or not easily, but when it comes to something we created we can make all the changes we want!

Like I commented, hindsight is 20/20.  We can sometimes back-peddle to something better, something that makes us happier but at certain times and in certain moments we think we may not be able to.  As authors we can make all the changes we want.  We can add, subtract and we can take lives and save lives.  We can make people happy and we can bring them to tears.  Most of all, with editing, we can make it all perfect.

Tonight I have a headache so I’m going to make this short and go rest my eyes for a while.

Until tomorrow…

I just want to cry…

12 Wednesday Jun 2019

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Another day of no writing… seems to be when I work, I need a day off.  I also started getting a headache but was easily able to manage it with medication today.

I’m very tired and have had quite the emotional day which did nothing for the writing.  I felt very adrift… just kind of wanting to hang, to chill and I did pick up my manuscript and flipped open the cover of the binder only to realize I hadn’t grabbed a pencil and asked myself if I wanted to dive into that right now.

Other emotions surfaced throughout the day.  Frustration and anger top the list among others to the point of tears and feel like I’d feel better if I just had a good cry.

It feels like I’m back to being that ship out on the ocean, wandering aimlessly being tossed about, getting lost and being broken with no idea which way to turn the wheel and no idea what’s coming next if the storm will worsen or if it will settle.

I miss having my usual someone to talk to, joke with and tease.  It’s been a long time since that has happened and the feelings are building and I feel like I’m going to burst open with the emotions that exist in turmoil.

So, another day on the winding path of a writer who has only written these 247 words today.  Perhaps tomorrow will be much more engaging; much more productive.

Until then…

What a letdown…

08 Saturday Jun 2019

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The last 20 days I allowed writing to consume me.  I wrote about 46,500 words in those 20 days, beating out any NaNo I’ve ever done.

But my last two days off I spent writing at an overwhelming rate and I came home from a short visit at my parents’ house to write some more.  That’s when I finished… I wrote THE END and was so excited but WAY too tired to celebrate!

Getting to the end of every work I have ever written has always landed me in a state of depression.

There’s this build-up.  There are relationships developed with the characters who are, essentially, my babies… I have created them, named them, given them quirks and past stimuli that has made them who they are at the time the book takes place.

They grow and they become independent and they start telling the story.  Sometimes they argue with you and sometimes they surprise you like crazy with something they do that you weren’t planning on having happen because it doesn’t even fit the story.  I’ve argued with my two main male characters while the women have just made things up as they’ve gone along and slipped it into the story with no attempt to argue with me.

Now the story has ended.  Those characters will remain with me as I go through the editing process as there is much to do in edits but after the race to the finish…

I feel lost and depressed tonight feeling like I don’t know what else to do.

I’m glad that I decided to blog daily this month because it means that I will have something to draw me to writing that isn’t my novel and I think that will be a good distraction!

I’m going crazy! Where is it?

13 Thursday Oct 2016

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What, you ask, is missing?

My mini-memoir manuscript.  Remember I was writing the mini-memoir about my great-grandmother’s house, the tour and the memories?

The four words no author ever wants to hear.  I. Can’t. Find. It!

It was here.  It was right here!  It’s not the electronic file I’m looking for.  It’s the paper copy.  The copy I was in the middle of editing and adding large, handwritten chunks to!  This cannot be happening!

I know I tidied up the basement around the computer desk a bit but not that much.  It was sitting right on top of the binders than contain Confessions in the Mural and it was there for the longest time.  I have no recall past that!

I’ve just spent about two hours running up and down the stairs trying to find it.  Wracking my brain trying to remember if I tucked it into something to take with me to edit at my parent’s house or if I took it upstairs and if I did… where did I put it?

I set it aside to work on my short story–which I just submitted by the way so that makes me happy that it’s done–and Confessions.  Now, when I want to get back to it… same words… I. Can’t. Find. It!

So what do I do now?  I have the electronic version but what about everything I had handwritten?  What about all the information (about three pages) that I had jotted down about how my grandmother came to live there and about my great-grandfather building it, living in it and dying?

I keep thinking it has to be here somewhere but I don’t know where somewhere is.  I’ve searched stacks of papers.  I’ve looked in all my working nooks and crannies and I don’t know where I might have set it.  IF I set it somewhere and it didn’t get scooped up into the recycling I will be eternally grateful but… right now, no idea where “that” is.

 

Disappointment

10 Sunday Apr 2016

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Seems to be my life story right now.

As you all know, I started this year off with high hopes for so much and I feel like right now it’s all crashing down around me.

I’m not teaching my adult class on Tuesday night… that was a HUGE let down for me considering the fact that I had two people contact me directly showing interest in the program but neither signed up.  Not that two would have been enough but I feel like all the effort I put into the program to spruce it up and add in things like branding and platform could have been put elsewhere like camp or my own writing.

I feel like I’m wandering aimlessly around right now… some of you have posted encouraging comments to not give up but that feeling is pretty intense right now as I look back on the last 3 months–the entirety of this year so far and I see most things just crashing into the earth.

I feel adrift in the middle of the ocean on a raft right now.  I don’t know which way to go to reach shore.  Between my day job and all the things I want to do because there is the constant nagging in my gut to do so I am overwhelmed and sinking.

I look at short stories I’ve written and I feel like they aren’t any good for any publication or contest.  I started writing my memoir finally and found myself writing paragraphs that I don’t know where they belong, and… my pens suck!!  They keep running out of ink only to work hours later!  Any suggestions on some great pens that won’t do that?  These pens have never let me down like that before.

So I keep plodding on.  I keep getting out of bed in the morning not that I want to these days.  I’m also nursing some kind of viral bug so that’s taking a lot more out of me than I fully realize.

I really wanted to be doing the writing thing full-time by the time my boss retired and that’s just not going to happen either.

I want to say “C’est la vie” but I just can’t right now… too much has happened, and not happened.  I think I need a vacation!

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