is it Abuse?

Each person’s experience in an abusive relationship is different, and sometimes it can be difficult to tell the difference between a relationship that is challenging or unhealthy, and a relationship where one person is abusing another. Often, domestic violence is not easy to spot even if you know the person well. Abuse that doesn’t leave physical marks or injuries can be especially difficult to recognize. Even if the person is being physically hurt, these injuries are not always evident if they are covered by clothing or make-up. It is not uncommon for an individual engaging in violent or controlling behavior to behave very differently in other relationships and settings, and many survivors acknowledge that they did not think of their experiences as abusive. 

If an individual has recognized that they are experiencing domestic violence, they may not tell anyone for a variety of reasons including: the person causing harm may have threatened to harm the person, or others, if they tell anyone; they may worry about getting other people involved; or they may feel ashamed that they have experienced domestic violence. Sometimes, friends, relatives, neighbors and colleagues feel that something is wrong but are not sure what the problem is, or how to ask about it or help. 

Below are things you may notice that could indicate that the person you know is experiencing domestic violence from an intimate partner or family member:

• They seem afraid of that person or are always very anxious to please them.
• They have stopped seeing their friends or family, or cut phone conversations short when that person is in the room.
• That person often criticizes or humiliates them in front of other people.
• They state that that person pressures or forces them to engage in sexual activity.
• That person often orders them around or makes all the decisions.
• They mention or talk about that person’s jealousy, bad temper, or possessiveness.  
• They have become anxious or depressed, have lost their confidence, or are unusually quiet and withdrawn.
• They have physical injuries (bruises, broken bones, sprains, cuts, etc.) and may give unlikely explanations for their injuries.
• Their children seem afraid of that person, have behavior problems, sleep disruption, or are withdrawn or anxious.
• They are reluctant to leave their children with the partner or family member who may be causing harm.
• They receive excessive texts or calls from that person – asking them what they are doing, where they are, who they are with, and when they will be home.
• That person is making rules that the person has to follow, which can include: who they can see, what they can wear, what they can spend money on, and how their home needs to be kept.
• The person experiencing harm asks to keep things secret from the person who may be causing harm: for example who they have seen, plans they have made, or things they have bought, because they are scared about what will happen if found out.
• After they have left the relationship, the person causing them harm is constantly calling them, harassing them, following them, coming to their house or waiting outside.
• Even if the person experiencing harm has left the situation or ended the relationship, it is possible that abuse may continue, especially if that person still has their contact details or has access to them, for example, if they have children together.

You might also be having similar thoughts or concerns about a person you know who has exhibited behaviors that might indicate they are using abusive behaviors in their relationships. They may or may not recognize their behavior as abusive, or be ready to talk about it. There are services available to them if and when they are ready to learn how to engage in healthy relationship behaviors and work to repair the damage they have caused. Our LINKLine advocates are great resources to talk with if you need support as you consider how you might help a loved one who may be causing harm to others in their relationships. 

Below are two wheels: the Equality Wheel (Healthy Relationship Wheel) and the Power and Control Wheel. These tools can help you understand how healthy and abusive dynamics intersect so you can educate yourself while supporting someone who is being abused. You can also use them as a resource to help the person recognize patterns of abuse in their situation, if that feels appropriate and helpful: