Virgo:: Until last August, Nigerian religious leader Mohammadu Bello Abubakar had 86 wives. Then an Islamic council ordered him to divorce all but four of them. He was reluctant at first -- many of his 170 children were born of wives he'd have to separate from -- but since the alternative was punishment by death, he ultimately agreed. From the standpoint of your own evolution, Virgo, 2009 will be an excellent time to draw inspiration from Abubakar. I encourage you, in other words, to cull the excess and chaos from your love life. If you're single, narrow your focus down to a couple of fantasies rather than a wide variety. If you're in a committed relationship that's worth working on, swear off any possibility of cheating or escaping. In either case, perform an exorcism of all the ghosts that might threaten to distort your long-term romantic future.

Done and done. The thought of cheating on J is just... alien to me. I have flirted a little with other people since we've been together-- I can only remember one person I was actually interested in, at least superficially, and that was quite early on in our relationship. Even so- no contest. I don't think I'll ever find someone more suited to me than my man. We have so much fun every time we get together. It's like summer camp but with way more sex. And as for ghosts... you know, I think that's the awesome thing about our relationship. My life-- all parts of it-- are open to him, with no hidden bits or deceit. It's my first experience with a relationship where both of us make an effort to be painstakingly honest, and I have to say, I like this better. [Edit: I realized that this is not entirely true. While Tex and I were dating, he was amazingly genuine and honest and everything was splendid.] It eliminates suspicion and insecurity because I know I can take him at his word. Even when past partners said I could, I knew in my gut that I couldn't. And I was right, of course. This time, my gut backs him up.

Anyway. It's 3:44am. I am still awake. I tried to get work done tonight-- beyond finishing and packing some custom orders, I had pretty much no luck. I couldn't seem to make anything I like, I'm nearly out of sterling wire, and I need to pick up a backup pair of cutters tomorrow. After this, I am investing in the $$$ ones, as I seem to go these things so fast. When I was finished with that, I spent a few hours working on taxes. Counting up receipts, tallying up sales. Gasping at how much I've spent on supplies in three months. With the exception of a few more high-cost items and commission supplies, I am pulling waaaaay back until I've used up a goodly amount of my shinies hoard. And I do have some very cool stuff in my hoard. I should also pull out the stuff I'm not planning to use and send it off to someone who can. Kyth? Glamourkin ladies? Anyhow, with the exception of my W-2 from DDI, my taxes are done and not as painful as expected. I have to set up quarterly income tax payments, too. Yes, I am a Virgo.

Now begins the laptop fund, as my computer will no longer even play video files. I learned this when it would not play my rented iTunes movie tonight... it played for 5 minutes, then the sound cut out like a robot disco. Feh. I think I might sell some old, rare BPAL off to speed up the process. I have a ton of bottles I don't wear very often. And also I am going to go through my stash and start wearing scents other than Snow White, Snake Oil, and Smut. I tried Saw Scaled Viper yesterday, and it was yummy. Sort of like Pumpkin King + a dry, biting red ginger note. It was not quite gourmand, but a gorgeous firey cinnamon scent that reminded me of old school Hamadryad on the drydown.

Okay, time for some Baku. Last night, it was Jason having the stress dreams. Tomorrow, I clean out my room, smudge with sage and then sweetgrass, then spritz some war water about. I've got to stress-proof this room, 'cause this is getting a little ridic.

So, because I've been in a reflective mood of late, I decided to read over some of my old tags.

( Contemplating my own metaphorical navel.Collapse )

Warning: rambly. Makes sense in my head, but then again, my head can be a tad stream-of-consciousness at times. But then again again, this is just for me to process through my issues, so what do I care? 'Cept I do. Having an audience is a blessing and a curse: it helps me to choose my words with care, but also makes me over-explainy. I digress.

I was thinking on something I hear over and over again from all of my friends: "Christina, you're such a bad liar."

'Cause me? I'm a terrible liar. Usually, whatever I'm feeling is written plainly across my face. Really, if you know me, you can probably read me like a book. Like, half the office knew about me an J before I ever said a word. I fail at subterfuge. A lot. And that's something I'm a little proud of. I'm generally honest by default; at times embarrassingly so.

( On truthiness and lies.Collapse )

Because I'm being spammy and apparently March is the month for that questions meme...

Ask me any question you'd like and I will answer honestly. Comments screened... let me know if it's okay to unscreen the question portion (I'll still screen your comment for anonymity). Have at it.

Dear universe,

I know that I said that I'd probably lay off the dating for a bit. You just laid a triple-whammy on me, okay? I am fully prepared to cool my heels and focus on my dancing and internal work.

Why, then, do you keep sending potential dates my way? I know I'm a little bit under the weather right now. Is it the stack of wadded tissues that people find so damn irresistible? Seriously?

Much love,
Christina

I've been single now for two weeks. The offers are starting to trickle in. Friends of coworkers, friends of friends, random people. Some really attractive and interesting people. I've gotten lots of invites to parties, happenings, and have found myself in a few places in the past week that I never would have imagined a few months ago. It feels-- weird. I mean, for a really long time, I shrugged off the bulk of the attention I got because I was in a relationship, and that was that. In fact, I can honestly say that if I did any flirting, my partner was usually there, and it was clear that he was my partner and boundaries are boundaries, etcetera. Integrity and all that. Generally, if I got asked out, I smiled and said thanks, but I couldn't accept because I had a boyfriend. Well. I don't anymore. And suddenly, dealing with the attention is a whole other ballpark. Fuck, even my counselor is telling me to date.

So I'm faced with this-- how do I date without using someone as a crutch? Because there's a hole left by a relationship that ended very unexpectedly, and the last thing I want to do is shove some poor unsuspecting person in to fill it instead of letting it heal over. That's stupid and unfair to both that person and to me, because I'm shortchanging myself work that truly needs to be done. Is it even possible to date while letting that wound heal? These are the things I'm asking myself. At any rate, I have got to dig myself out of the immediate reaction zone. This is permanent. There are definitely good reasons for me to be done with that relationship. And so it's time to focus on the next section of my life.

Step one: cleaning my room. I have barely touched it since I moved back in, and as a result, I have vaguely organized boxes and piles all over the place. Time to set up my space so that when the time comes, I can have somebody up without embarrassment. Ahem. (Also, while I was doing my sheets, I found a wine stain on my mattress and LOLed for like, three minutes. 'Cause yeah. Good times.)

Step two: making my outsides match my insides. I don't know about you, but I think I'm a pretty good catch. And breakup-land isn't really an attractive place to be. Uncombed hair, puffy eyes, red nose-- kind of not hot. So. I bought two hot pairs of heeled, knee-high boots. A pair of jeans that make my ass look fantastic. A hot bra-top number that goes va-voom. I am adding to the arsenal of hotness. I've dropped seven pounds and my curves are rockin'. My hair's faded to this awesome shiny gold color. It's not like I'm going to sit around twiddling my thumbs wondering who will ever want me.

Step three: more time out with friends. Did I mention the tons of crazy offers I've gotten lately? I now know what a pro-Domme is. Just sayin'. I have tons of friends from all walks of life who have very interesting hobbies and want me to hang out with them. I have variety in my life, and I have lots of love. I'm going to take Bart's advice and find the things I liked about my partner in a lot of people, and one day, someone will come along who has it all. But for now? Sci-fi geekdom with my geeky friends. Dancing at the Avalon with Bridget, Chris, and Sarah. And maybe Anna's hot dancer roommate dude. You know, the one with the arms. Bellydance with Flissy, since we're stepping up our game and will be performing in the near future. Clubbing and chilling with movies with Ariel. Wine tasting with Sarah. Top-Model-ing with Agnes (and maybe Russell-- he joked about it to me last week!) The list goes on. I am not hurting for opportunity.

Step four: journaling progress and making me-time. 'Nuff said.

Step five: re-evaluating my relationship criteria. I've already added one item to the list. You'd think it'd be obvious, but I guess some people really need it spelled out. And looking at that list again was good for me. I will be ready when the next person worthy of it comes along.

So, here I go. I work on myself. Really and truly. I balance internal work with external work-- becoming once more that awesome chick that turns heads and takes names. Because you know what? I'm not replaceable. I'm someone that I'm proud of, and damned if I don't have high standards. I have the ability to find a mature, amazing partner who can match me measure for measure and challenge me in all of the best ways. I do not have to settle. Fuck this moping bullshit. Time to get on with my life.

( Anger, sadness, gratitude.Collapse )

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

This sorrow I feel is all of my tears. I gave this relationship my whole heart and all of my love. I have no doubt that I'll reap what I sowed, and some day I will find someone who will love me back in kind. The same lesson, again and again. I am made of love. It is who I am. It is my nature to give love, to give comfort. Still I am pruned, and still I grow.

There are months of consistent hard work ahead of me. Not so nebulous now, but becoming clearer by the day. And each step is uphill. Each step is hard. I don't have the luxury of calling distractions 'progress.' I know that each excruciating step is mine alone to take, though I have friends behind me to catch me if my knees start to buckle. I've got what I need-- an open heart, listening ears, a strong will, integrity, and best of all, self-knowledge. Onward.

Whistler: There's moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes, they're not. Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really, but it does... So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
-- Becoming, Part I

Went to faire today and had about as good of a time as I could have, all things considered. I got hangout time with Abby, Diana, Ariel, Jim, Colleen, and Greg (plus a little Liz & Phil, and Sati & Ric, Marda, plus a random assortment of college people). I am floored at how many people asked to take my picture. Seriously, it was all day long. My favorite was a father who asked for his two young daughters, who were bashfully shy. I felt a little bit like a Disney princess. Of course, there was also the father who asked for his son. I expected him to be, like, four or something. Homeboy was around fifteen. Best compliment of the day: an older lady came up to me and told me it was her first time at faire. She said that she'd seen a lot of beautiful costumes, but I was the first person she found that really looked beautiful in the costume. It's good to know that there are people out there who practice random acts of kindness that can erase a lot of the mindless negativity people inflict on one another. I had my hard moments today-- I kept thinking how Skyler was supposed to be there with me; other plans we made that vanished so quickly, and I still don't understand why. But my friends were there with lots of hugs, because they're good people like that. I also got a fantastic tarot reading that affirmed pretty much everything else that's going on in my life right now. I'm going to do a lot of internal housecleaning this winter, and in the spring, I will emerge glowing. The first card drawn was Strenth-- major arcana. A clear message. This is something I have in spades, and it will nurse me through this tough time.

At any rate, there will be pics from Ariel's camera when she downloads them.

Emotionally, things are going. I have decided on one thing: not to distract myself from the pain I am experiencing. I mean, I don't really want to dwell on it either, but I know that will be nigh impossible while the wounds are so fresh. But I'm going to go through it. My reading said to do the homework, and I will. I'm buckling down for the ride, and I'm going to talk it out and cry it out and scream it out and punch pillows and then write it all down. I'm going to be literate about my emotions. I'm going to do the work, not just talk about doing the work while I do everything I can to distract myself. I can do it because I'm strong, I have integrity, and because it will make me a better person and more worthy of the kind of relationship I want and deserve. I certainly know I deserve a lot better than the one I had, as much as I love Skyler and miss him dearly. I deserve better. And I'm going to get it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.
      -- Richard Bach

It's a good quote to keep in mind right now. It's cold comfort that I am not saying "I can't." That I am instead saying "I'm willing to try" and "I can." In my life, I will argue for my growth and not for my limitation, because in the end, that's what I get to keep. If something is worth holding onto, it's worth my best.

I voiced my needs. I voiced my concerns. I stated a desire to meet my partner's needs as they were voiced, as well as plans and compromises that would allow those needs to be met. I voiced a desire to find better tools. I stood up for what was important to me. I stated clear priorities and acted in accord. I gave warmth. I gave comfort. I said 'I love you' every day.

Even though this has not turned out how I would have liked, I can hold that I honored that sentiment and I tried my best, and in doing so, I acquitted myself in a way that I can respect.

Thanks, Jeff, for the loan.

Lord have mercy, I love my friends. Last night, Mark, Glenn, and Anna took me to CIBO for a post-breakup drink and hijinks ensued. Five hours and five shots plus three margaritas later (for me, at least), we were swing dancing and waltzing in the parking lot and I taught Glenn the tango basic, which he picked up really quickly. They are seriously the best-- we had a million silly toasts ("To Christina, who is awesome!", among others, some too colorful to post publicly) and gave lots of pep talks. They let me cry it all out, hugged me, then made me laugh. I feel a million times better today than I did yesterday.

Then I got home to find a care package from lapetiteflower. Wow. Seriously. That thing was packed with goodness. I'm going to make an official post on the care package swap received thread, but she made the most BEAUTIFUL box in a Mata Hari motif and filled it with beautiful hairflowers and picks for bellydance hair. There were candles and incense and BPALs that have been on my wishlist for awhile (plus "Sleepy Hollow," which smells AMAZING. Is that one Arcana?) and rose pastilles and violet mints and... the list goes on. Heather, that was the best ever. Thank you for all the thought you put into making something so perfect for me.

Then I had some AnnaTime (tm) in which she was able to perfectly articulate exactly what I was feeling but couldn't put into words. The Anna, she is wise. Being aware of my semi-drunken state, I asked her to write some things she said down, and she did, appropriately on the back of the letter that I'd written for Skyler that he refused to take. Dixie came in and sat with us for a bit, then I passed out on the couch and slept for seven hours without interruption, which I have not done since Friday. AND. This morning I woke up a) without a hangover (I love tequila) and b) with an appetite. I actually had a FOOD CRAVING. I wisely sipped some ginger ale until I was sure that I wouldn't be snuck up on by a surprise hangover, then ordered a BIG box of fries and chicken tenders. I can't eat a lot yet, because I guess my stomach has shrunk some, but I can take little bits at a time and not feel woozy. I'm letting my body tell me what it wants.

( Headspace notes.Collapse )

As for tonight, it's hanging out with Ariel. I'm moving the rest of my stuff out of Sky's apartment and then we have to start cleaning my bedroom, which is a total hazard area from being a dumping ground when it was unused for three months. I need to clean my sheets and do some laundry. I might pick up a copy of Empire Records, since Sara and I have been giddily quoting it all day. IT'S REX MANNING DAY. Man, I LOVE that movie.

Whatever happens, I will well and truly be okay.

1. Needs in a relationship must be voiced clearly if they are not being met. "When are you getting a car?" is not the same as "I have a need that you have a car." If one is particularly picky about language and communication, one should understand this. I have to know the difference between a desire and a true need if I am to make decisions that best serve the relationship. While Dixie and I were processing this morning, she said that in ShadowWork, when someone does not clearly voice a need but expects it to be fulfilled, it's called "wishful thinking." Wishful thinking does not lend itself well to clear communication.

2. Relationships require compromise and frequent conflict management. Arguments happen-- to expect them not to is unrealistic. It's how you respond to them, and whether or not you can resolve to find a solution that matters. To refuse to do that means that the relationship is doomed.

( On a more petty note.Collapse )

I apologize in advance, guys. This is going to be the all-breakup-processing channel for awhile. I'm going to keep most of it filtered to my nearest and dearest, but I can't thank you guys enough for your support. 'Cause this sucks. It was so abrupt. This time last week, we were sharing a bed, and it has not yet sunk in that I don't have a Skyler to go home to anymore. That tomorrow, I turn over my key. I feel honestly gobsmacked. But I've got really good friends and really good arms to hold me, and I've got bellydance to keep my body strong. I keep thinking back to class on Monday, where we held our posture with our arms strong and our chests open. Carolena Nericcio, founder of Fat Chance Bellydance and one of the matriarchs of tribal style, says that we have to have this posture, this strong, powerful woman posture, to allow the Goddesses to come in and lift us up as we dance. This is the image that is sticking with me today. Shoulders back. Chin up. Heart out.