"I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren."
Lord have mercy, I love my friends. Last night, Mark, Glenn, and Anna took me to CIBO for a post-breakup drink and hijinks ensued. Five hours and five shots plus three margaritas later (for me, at least), we were swing dancing and waltzing in the parking lot and I taught Glenn the tango basic, which he picked up really quickly. They are seriously the best-- we had a million silly toasts ("To Christina, who is awesome!", among others, some too colorful to post publicly) and gave lots of pep talks. They let me cry it all out, hugged me, then made me laugh. I feel a million times better today than I did yesterday.
Then I got home to find a care package from
lapetiteflower. Wow. Seriously. That thing was packed with goodness. I'm going to make an official post on the care package swap received thread, but she made the most BEAUTIFUL box in a Mata Hari motif and filled it with beautiful hairflowers and picks for bellydance hair. There were candles and incense and BPALs that have been on my wishlist for awhile (plus "Sleepy Hollow," which smells AMAZING. Is that one Arcana?) and rose pastilles and violet mints and... the list goes on. Heather, that was the best ever. Thank you for all the thought you put into making something so perfect for me.
Then I had some AnnaTime (tm) in which she was able to perfectly articulate exactly what I was feeling but couldn't put into words. The Anna, she is wise. Being aware of my semi-drunken state, I asked her to write some things she said down, and she did, appropriately on the back of the letter that I'd written for Skyler that he refused to take. Dixie came in and sat with us for a bit, then I passed out on the couch and slept for seven hours without interruption, which I have not done since Friday. AND. This morning I woke up a) without a hangover (I love tequila) and b) with an appetite. I actually had a FOOD CRAVING. I wisely sipped some ginger ale until I was sure that I wouldn't be snuck up on by a surprise hangover, then ordered a BIG box of fries and chicken tenders. I can't eat a lot yet, because I guess my stomach has shrunk some, but I can take little bits at a time and not feel woozy. I'm letting my body tell me what it wants.
And I am well and truly coming to terms with the fact that I'm single, and it's okay, and in fact, it may very well be for the best. I cannot settle for someone who doesn't know if they want to be in a relationship with me or not and do the work necessary to keep our relationship going. Anna said last night that when I get into a relationship, I go all in. I do. I put down strong roots and I love deeply. In a committed relationship, I expect to be priority number two in my partner's life, next to his or her own well-being. And nothing less than that is worth settling for. One can say over and over that I'm a priority, but if one's actions don't line up with it, I simply can't just go along with it. And that's what was happening. Hell, I moved part of my things in the middle of a D&D game that my partner didn't see fit to stop in order to see what was going on. That sends a clear message that I am not in fact the priority. And that is not okay. I am angry as hell about that, and I have too much self respect to go back to a relationship where a fucking board game will take priority over me. It's simply not going to happen. And as much as I love him, I would rather stand on my own than be treated that way. I will not have my actions reframed, and I will not have projections aimed at me. So I will cry and mourn the loss of the good things in the relationship, but I will not feel as though I am to blame, and I will not re-enter a relationship where this is the pattern of behavior that is defaulted to. I have other thoughts, too-- things that Anna said that made perfect sense, but I need to mull them a bit more before voicing them, I think.
I also have to work on some things in myself. In our first relationship, I was stubborn and a little spiteful when my needs were not being met. I was partly to blame for that-- I was bad at voicing my needs. It's a product of one of my shadows. When I was young, my mother would pointedly ignore me when she was upset at someone, for days (and at one point, a year) at a time. She was totally unable to say what she wanted, and expected me to simply know. That's totally unrealistic. She would stomp around and slam doors and refuse to eat and all number of obnoxious things. I was not hugged. I was never told that even though she was angry, she loved me and it would be okay. That's not something a small kid can understand, and so it instilled in me not only that what I needed was silly and unreasonable (guilt!), but I also picked up on some of her behaviors to an extent. That's a shadow right there, and it exploded all over my relationships for a good long while.
With Skyler in particular, we'd have an argument, and when I'd get to my frustration limit, I'd revert to "well, then maybe you should find another partner." And it took me awhile to realize that that was totally hurtful and uncool. In our second relationship, I was a lot better about it. I got more comfortable about voicing my needs and wants and voicing problems. Not great, but better. But I slipped twice and said that. It's an expression of my fear-- that we may be too incompatible, but in essence, what it said to my partner is "this is too big to work on, so we should give up." And, as I've stated, my desire was not to break up, so me saying that was totally counterproductive and hurtful. This is something that I need to work on.
So. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I can be honest in the now. And if I'm being honest now, I can say that as much as I love Skyler and still want to have all the good things that we had in our relationship, because there were many, many good things, if we can't work to compromise on these issues and if I'm not convinced that I am the priority in my partner's life, then I simply have to walk away. Problems and conflicts never end, and the stakes are only going to get higher. If I'm not convinced that my partner has my back, it's really better that I save myself from having this happen over and over again. As Willow would say, this is my Resolve Face. And you know what? It's not like I'm never going to date someone awesome again. I'm smart, I'm attractive, and for fuck's sake, I'm a bellydancer. And until that person appears, I'm going to dance. A lot. I've noted with some pride that I'm starting to get dancer's feet, and I know if I funnel all this extra energy into dancing, I'm going to come out so much better.
As for tonight, it's hanging out with Ariel. I'm moving the rest of my stuff out of Sky's apartment and then we have to start cleaning my bedroom, which is a total hazard area from being a dumping ground when it was unused for three months. I need to clean my sheets and do some laundry. I might pick up a copy of Empire Records, since Sara and I have been giddily quoting it all day. IT'S REX MANNING DAY. Man, I LOVE that movie.
Whatever happens, I will well and truly be okay.
Then I got home to find a care package from
lapetiteflower. Wow. Seriously. That thing was packed with goodness. I'm going to make an official post on the care package swap received thread, but she made the most BEAUTIFUL box in a Mata Hari motif and filled it with beautiful hairflowers and picks for bellydance hair. There were candles and incense and BPALs that have been on my wishlist for awhile (plus "Sleepy Hollow," which smells AMAZING. Is that one Arcana?) and rose pastilles and violet mints and... the list goes on. Heather, that was the best ever. Thank you for all the thought you put into making something so perfect for me.Then I had some AnnaTime (tm) in which she was able to perfectly articulate exactly what I was feeling but couldn't put into words. The Anna, she is wise. Being aware of my semi-drunken state, I asked her to write some things she said down, and she did, appropriately on the back of the letter that I'd written for Skyler that he refused to take. Dixie came in and sat with us for a bit, then I passed out on the couch and slept for seven hours without interruption, which I have not done since Friday. AND. This morning I woke up a) without a hangover (I love tequila) and b) with an appetite. I actually had a FOOD CRAVING. I wisely sipped some ginger ale until I was sure that I wouldn't be snuck up on by a surprise hangover, then ordered a BIG box of fries and chicken tenders. I can't eat a lot yet, because I guess my stomach has shrunk some, but I can take little bits at a time and not feel woozy. I'm letting my body tell me what it wants.
And I am well and truly coming to terms with the fact that I'm single, and it's okay, and in fact, it may very well be for the best. I cannot settle for someone who doesn't know if they want to be in a relationship with me or not and do the work necessary to keep our relationship going. Anna said last night that when I get into a relationship, I go all in. I do. I put down strong roots and I love deeply. In a committed relationship, I expect to be priority number two in my partner's life, next to his or her own well-being. And nothing less than that is worth settling for. One can say over and over that I'm a priority, but if one's actions don't line up with it, I simply can't just go along with it. And that's what was happening. Hell, I moved part of my things in the middle of a D&D game that my partner didn't see fit to stop in order to see what was going on. That sends a clear message that I am not in fact the priority. And that is not okay. I am angry as hell about that, and I have too much self respect to go back to a relationship where a fucking board game will take priority over me. It's simply not going to happen. And as much as I love him, I would rather stand on my own than be treated that way. I will not have my actions reframed, and I will not have projections aimed at me. So I will cry and mourn the loss of the good things in the relationship, but I will not feel as though I am to blame, and I will not re-enter a relationship where this is the pattern of behavior that is defaulted to. I have other thoughts, too-- things that Anna said that made perfect sense, but I need to mull them a bit more before voicing them, I think.
I also have to work on some things in myself. In our first relationship, I was stubborn and a little spiteful when my needs were not being met. I was partly to blame for that-- I was bad at voicing my needs. It's a product of one of my shadows. When I was young, my mother would pointedly ignore me when she was upset at someone, for days (and at one point, a year) at a time. She was totally unable to say what she wanted, and expected me to simply know. That's totally unrealistic. She would stomp around and slam doors and refuse to eat and all number of obnoxious things. I was not hugged. I was never told that even though she was angry, she loved me and it would be okay. That's not something a small kid can understand, and so it instilled in me not only that what I needed was silly and unreasonable (guilt!), but I also picked up on some of her behaviors to an extent. That's a shadow right there, and it exploded all over my relationships for a good long while.
With Skyler in particular, we'd have an argument, and when I'd get to my frustration limit, I'd revert to "well, then maybe you should find another partner." And it took me awhile to realize that that was totally hurtful and uncool. In our second relationship, I was a lot better about it. I got more comfortable about voicing my needs and wants and voicing problems. Not great, but better. But I slipped twice and said that. It's an expression of my fear-- that we may be too incompatible, but in essence, what it said to my partner is "this is too big to work on, so we should give up." And, as I've stated, my desire was not to break up, so me saying that was totally counterproductive and hurtful. This is something that I need to work on.
So. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I can be honest in the now. And if I'm being honest now, I can say that as much as I love Skyler and still want to have all the good things that we had in our relationship, because there were many, many good things, if we can't work to compromise on these issues and if I'm not convinced that I am the priority in my partner's life, then I simply have to walk away. Problems and conflicts never end, and the stakes are only going to get higher. If I'm not convinced that my partner has my back, it's really better that I save myself from having this happen over and over again. As Willow would say, this is my Resolve Face. And you know what? It's not like I'm never going to date someone awesome again. I'm smart, I'm attractive, and for fuck's sake, I'm a bellydancer. And until that person appears, I'm going to dance. A lot. I've noted with some pride that I'm starting to get dancer's feet, and I know if I funnel all this extra energy into dancing, I'm going to come out so much better.
As for tonight, it's hanging out with Ariel. I'm moving the rest of my stuff out of Sky's apartment and then we have to start cleaning my bedroom, which is a total hazard area from being a dumping ground when it was unused for three months. I need to clean my sheets and do some laundry. I might pick up a copy of Empire Records, since Sara and I have been giddily quoting it all day. IT'S REX MANNING DAY. Man, I LOVE that movie.
Whatever happens, I will well and truly be okay.