Things salvaged from last night's conversation:
1. Needs in a relationship must be voiced clearly if they are not being met. "When are you getting a car?" is not the same as "I have a need that you have a car." If one is particularly picky about language and communication, one should understand this. I have to know the difference between a desire and a true need if I am to make decisions that best serve the relationship. While Dixie and I were processing this morning, she said that in ShadowWork, when someone does not clearly voice a need but expects it to be fulfilled, it's called "wishful thinking." Wishful thinking does not lend itself well to clear communication.
2. Relationships require compromise and frequent conflict management. Arguments happen-- to expect them not to is unrealistic. It's how you respond to them, and whether or not you can resolve to find a solution that matters. To refuse to do that means that the relationship is doomed.
On a slightly more petty note, I was told that I "stormed out" on Sunday night. And to that end, I have this to say: I went to Dixie, who gave me advice, and that was to remove myself from the situation until I could get clear, because the grief I felt at sleeping next to someone who was not committed to the relationship was tying me in knots. And so I did just that-- Ariel and I each took two trips to the car in full view of the D&D session going on at the time, arms loaded with everything from clothes to beads to a sloshing fishbowl, and Skyler didn't even ask what was going on. In fact, he called me 10 minutes later, after a mutual friend had said that they'd finished that particular battle. If that's not a clear enough indication that D&D > your relationship, I don't know what else could be. I can't imagine not being able to say, "hey guys-- hold on a minute, there's something going on with my girlfriend. Let me talk to her and I'll be right back." But you know, maybe I have out-of-whack priorities or something. In any case, I hardly think that a total of four trips back and forth with no acknowledgment while he played D&D counts as "storming off." It does, however, serve to highlight for me why I made the right choice in choosing to not wait for him to decide if our relationship was worth working on further.
I apologize in advance, guys. This is going to be the all-breakup-processing channel for awhile. I'm going to keep most of it filtered to my nearest and dearest, but I can't thank you guys enough for your support. 'Cause this sucks. It was so abrupt. This time last week, we were sharing a bed, and it has not yet sunk in that I don't have a Skyler to go home to anymore. That tomorrow, I turn over my key. I feel honestly gobsmacked. But I've got really good friends and really good arms to hold me, and I've got bellydance to keep my body strong. I keep thinking back to class on Monday, where we held our posture with our arms strong and our chests open. Carolena Nericcio, founder of Fat Chance Bellydance and one of the matriarchs of tribal style, says that we have to have this posture, this strong, powerful woman posture, to allow the Goddesses to come in and lift us up as we dance. This is the image that is sticking with me today. Shoulders back. Chin up. Heart out.
2. Relationships require compromise and frequent conflict management. Arguments happen-- to expect them not to is unrealistic. It's how you respond to them, and whether or not you can resolve to find a solution that matters. To refuse to do that means that the relationship is doomed.
On a slightly more petty note, I was told that I "stormed out" on Sunday night. And to that end, I have this to say: I went to Dixie, who gave me advice, and that was to remove myself from the situation until I could get clear, because the grief I felt at sleeping next to someone who was not committed to the relationship was tying me in knots. And so I did just that-- Ariel and I each took two trips to the car in full view of the D&D session going on at the time, arms loaded with everything from clothes to beads to a sloshing fishbowl, and Skyler didn't even ask what was going on. In fact, he called me 10 minutes later, after a mutual friend had said that they'd finished that particular battle. If that's not a clear enough indication that D&D > your relationship, I don't know what else could be. I can't imagine not being able to say, "hey guys-- hold on a minute, there's something going on with my girlfriend. Let me talk to her and I'll be right back." But you know, maybe I have out-of-whack priorities or something. In any case, I hardly think that a total of four trips back and forth with no acknowledgment while he played D&D counts as "storming off." It does, however, serve to highlight for me why I made the right choice in choosing to not wait for him to decide if our relationship was worth working on further.
I apologize in advance, guys. This is going to be the all-breakup-processing channel for awhile. I'm going to keep most of it filtered to my nearest and dearest, but I can't thank you guys enough for your support. 'Cause this sucks. It was so abrupt. This time last week, we were sharing a bed, and it has not yet sunk in that I don't have a Skyler to go home to anymore. That tomorrow, I turn over my key. I feel honestly gobsmacked. But I've got really good friends and really good arms to hold me, and I've got bellydance to keep my body strong. I keep thinking back to class on Monday, where we held our posture with our arms strong and our chests open. Carolena Nericcio, founder of Fat Chance Bellydance and one of the matriarchs of tribal style, says that we have to have this posture, this strong, powerful woman posture, to allow the Goddesses to come in and lift us up as we dance. This is the image that is sticking with me today. Shoulders back. Chin up. Heart out.