understanding

When we are born, it’s all about us; our needs, our comfort, our sleep. Human babies have needs and they usually have their needs met by screaming their heads off, when they’re not met. Most people know this and I have mentioned it in past posts.

As we grow, one of the various roles of our parents is to teach us empathy. Empathy is defined as the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions. I have taken the time to include the definition because many people behave as if they have no idea what this word is, what it means or how it is shown…. But I digress.

As we get older, we should learn that our own individual wants and needs are not all that matters in the world. We are not the center of the universe and all does not revolve around us. This is how you can learn to show love for you parents and family, and feel sadness for their ills and misfortunes. This, in turn, leads you to be able to comfort those around you. These emotions can then extend to people outside your social and familial circle, allowing you to feel the pain of strangers in your own city, your own country and even abroad.

These feelings of empathy can lead one to charity work, wanting to help the disabled, the less fortunate, the sick and the destitute. It could lead to participation in professions that aid others; doctors, nurses, teachers.

Empathy can lead other to give money out of their pocket, or food out of their kitchen, because sometimes money and food can run out just days before the next pay day. And rather than let another go hungry, people will give of themselves. Empathy allows you to identify with the misfortune of others, whether physical, mental, emotional or financial, because you understand that just a single flip of the cosmic coin and you might find yourself in the same position.

Unfortunately, empathy in our society is on the decline, a sharp and fast decline. It is rapidly being replaced by entitlement. Entitlement has a couple of definitions, but the one that I am focusing on is, the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment. There is a growing number of people in our society, who identifies with this definition. It is deeply associated with instant gratification. As children, we have no real sense of time. A child asks for a treat and mom says, in 20 minutes. Two minutes pass, and the child asks for it again. The child is reminded that 20 minutes hasn’t passed and they need to wait. Five more minutes pass and the child asks again. Having no sense of time, they don’t understand having to wait. The patience of waiting comes over time with proper instruction.

The problem is that teenagers and adults that are well past this stage of development, exhibit the same behavior. Not because they have no sense of time, but because they want what they want, when they want it and feel that they should not have to wait for anything, just because they’re them. They think that they are better or special. They think that their plights, problems and desires come ahead of everyone else’s. This sense of entitlement leads to a complete and total lack of empathy. They don’t know what it’s like to be sick without insurance, so the idea of needing public assistance for medical care is ludicrous. It’s costing them. They have never been disabled or associated with anyone with disabilities, so they don’t care for programs to help them. They’ve never been persecuted because of their race, sex or age, so they go so far as to believe that these things never happen, just because it has never happened to them.

Apathy is the bedfellow of entitlement and it is eating away at the conscience of society. It is a bigger problem than racism, classism, sexism, terrorism and money in the political system. It is a bigger problem, because if people don’t give a damn about other people, they are liable to do anything to them without remorse. We see it all the time. A kid gets drunk, gets in a car and runs over people on the side of the road, killing them. He gets house arrest and even after a light sentence, he breaks his probation and tries to flee the country. His life is more important than the lives he took. A police officer pepper sprays peaceful protesters and ends up suing for emotional trauma. The supposed Democratic Party sabotages the campaign of one of their own; one who cared for the rights of all people, rich, working and poor, in favor of someone who has the interests of those who already have enough over those who barely have anything.

Empathy has always been a rather ethereal, wispy concept, sometimes slipping right through the fingers, but from time to time in the history of our country, we, as a society, have been able to grip it firmly and lift each other up; but it was never easy. It took hard work and sacrifice, pain and death. But now, empathy can’t even be seen floating on the winds. More often than not, we are every man for themselves and to hell with the rest.

So…

What can we do?

Well, we could just be better, but that takes effort that the apathetic and entitled don’t want to exert. So, it’s up to us who give a damn, to be mindful and vigilant and take every opportunity to inspire a change in our world; one conversation, one phone call, one post; one vote at a time. Taking these strides may change things from the smallest interaction between you and a co-worker to the world stage which governs our society. Close your eyes and for once, picture yourself in someone else’s shoes. Train yourself, as we should train our children; like we used to train our children, to be patient, understanding and kind. Bullying children turn into bullying adults; but adults can choose to be better, they just have to want it be better.

Transgressions are committed against us on a daily basis; varying in scale and severity. This is no surprise. Humans are flawed; we hurt each other by mistake via miscommunication typically or on purpose, because some people are just so miserable that hurting others is the only way they can feel alive.

As we all know, one of the best and simplest ways to rectify a wrong doing is with an apology. Sometimes a heartfelt and sincere “I’m sorry” can make everything water under the bridge. But there lies the rub. Saying I’m sorry has become a mechanical, knee-jerk response for a lot of people. Some say it for everything and others would rather have teeth removed than to say it; and lastly, there are those who use it as a ‘get out of jail free card’ to get over on their victim, when they don’t mean one word of their apology.

The true definition of sorry is to feel sorrow or regret. And it seems that more and more, people spew this line of contrition, but it’s nothing but empty rhetoric. We get it from loved ones, friends, politicians, and celebrities. They only apologize because they were caught doing, whatever it is they were doing. Had they not been caught, they would never have been compelled to apologize in the first place.

Now that leaves the offended parties in a precarious position. They have to dredge up forgiveness for their transgressors. Well, truthfully, they don’t have to do anything. And many people don’t. Rather than forgive, they will hold on to a grudge, adamantly, vehemently. Some people can hold on to a grudge so strong that they transform from the victim to the perpetrator. By the time this happens the grudge is so far gone, it’s a sure thing that neither party even remembers the subject of the original confrontation.

So where does that leave you? Forgiveness; not to be confused with forgetting. Forgetting is what all transgressors long for; the intentional ones, that is. If they can do their dastardly deeds, and the victim just sucks it up and forgets about it; then they never have to answer for their wrong doing; and they are further enabled by the victim. Forgiveness is a different animal altogether. It tells the perpetrator, this is what you did and this is what it caused; and even though I am deeply hurt, I can absolve you of your wrong doing and we can move on. Most perpetrators want to skip right to the absolution; but the road to absolution must be avoided at all costs, because that road leads to accountability and being accountable for one’s actions, can lead to painful, earth shattering introspection.

Forgiveness can be as elusive as accountability. Some people just can’t forgive or the criterion for their forgiveness is too high. So when a grudge holder meets up with the truly repentant or when a forgiver meets up with a perpetrator of false apologies, it leads to one thing: baggage. Baggage is all the fear, apprehension and bad feelings we collect from life-long human interactions. The baggage of one relationship always affects the next, whether it’s intimate, platonic or familial. And the thing is, there is no bell or whistle that sounds when you acquire a new piece of baggage. You never know what baggage you have acquired until a situation similar to the one that created the baggage rears its head, even if the outcome is drastically different.

Baggage is generated by life changing, perception altering encounters; that can deeply root itself in the human psyche. So what do you do? How do you sort through your own baggage? How do you help someone else sort through theirs? And better still, how do you set it down? Unfortunately, getting rid of baggage is far harder than picking it up. And even worse, the fear that led you to pick up, is the same fear that won’t let you put it down.

So, what’s the solution? The solution is something that we, as humans; that we, as a society; that we, as a planet do not have enough of: patience and love.

Sounds trite? It really isn’t. A show of patience and an expression of love can disarm the most enraging situation, but it takes a measure of understanding for it to work. People should engage in real conversations about their baggage and their fears to garner an understanding.

Person A: Look, this is my issue, and I know that it’s an issue and I’m trying to work through it, so please be tolerant of what I’m going through.

Person B: I hear what you’re saying and I understand that you’re wounded from the past. I can’t say that I’ll never hurt you, but I will try fervently to avoid doing so, and if I do, it will never be intentional.

This exchange establishes that both parties recognize their inadequacies, and therefore, it can mend fences ahead of time and establish a rapport of understanding that two people can build on; but one must take down their protective walls and let deserving others in, and that’s not easy to do. It requires an openness that can be difficult to achieve; but honestly, if love is involved than opening oneself up is more than worth it. The problem is that in order for this to work, it requires a willing donor and a willing recipient, who are also willing to step off of the proverbial field of battle.

Constant fear and shame are a drain on the spirit. They hamper you, they age you and they push others away from you. If you can unclench your fist, relinquish the perpetual battle, and take down your walls, in order to allow someone’s love inside, you may be able to put down the heavy baggage and never pick it up again.

Tag: understanding

Have Baggage, Will Carry