Random Thoughts 2022

Stephanie Meyer published a book called ‘Midnight Sun’. It is a retelling of her famous Twilight novel from the perspective of the male love interest, a vampire named Edward. In 2009, when the Twilight series was all the rage, I was fourteen years old. I was enamoured, to be honest. My parents forbade me from reading vampire romance so reading in the dark, in secret, made it all the more glorious. Oh I savoured every word. Anyway. All this is to say that hearing about Midnight Sun sparked some curiousity so I read some reviews and watched some ‘booktubers’ talking about it and have come to the conclusion that my 27 year old self really doesn’t have the time to read about the inner thinkings of a hundred and something year old vampire who decides, with the gift of immortality, to spend time in a highschool with sixteen year olds, and falls in love with one of them. I mean. I am 27. If I was immortal, highschool would be the last place I would spend my time, my goodness.

I realised this week, when my 2 year old had his first ever tummy bug, that I have to put my own tummy bug on hold in order to deal with his. I had to still rush up and down stairs, cleaning out vomit from sheets and floors and buckets, disinfecting everything. I had to make sure he was hydrated, and lie next to him ready with the bucket at his slightest stir. It’s amazing how the human body works. One minute I was so exhausted I couldn’t get off the sofa, and the next I was hurtling across the room to catch my child, who was shivering and hot and had vomit in his hair. Lovely.

There is also a ‘petrol shortage’ in the UK. I think it’s just a combination of panic-buying and a shortage of lorry drivers due to Brexit. Funny that, isn’t it. Leavers were worried ‘foreigners’ were taking all their jobs… now not enough ‘foreigners’ are taking the jobs. Funny funny irony. Thankfully we do not use our car much, so we are alright. But I have heard tales of ambulances not being able to fuel up due to the ‘shortage’ and have seen plenty of memes about ‘loo roll wankers’ being the same douchebags who are filling up plastic water bottles with petrol because this is apparently the end of times and what do we need most in an apocalypse? Petrol. Oh. Humanity.

I spend a lot of time thinking but my thoughts are to-do lists.

2026: Why I am publishing this list of 2022 thoughts now, I have no idea. I came across it in my drafts folder and sentiments sure have changed in 4 years. My 2 year old is now almost 7, and I have a nearly 5 year old, and my thoughts are occupied by far more complex things! But why not publish this, why ever not.

He

It wasn’t the sort of day that required her to do anything, so she lazed about drinking cups of black coffee with lemon-slice shaped ice floating at the top. She picked up a book and flicked listlessly through the pages. She read a sentence about microbes and then another about tapeworm, and she frowned, shutting the book and looking at the front cover. A magnified rendered image of a virus splattered glossily over the front flap, glaring at her menacingly.

When her heart started beating fast she marked it up to her fourth cup of strong black coffee, and made her mind up to stop drinking it. The sun filtered through her window, cutting through the thin white curtains that billowed lazily in the cooling breeze that sailed down the mountains and created a crosswind through the house. Beautiful, beautiful house, she thought, glancing over her shoulder. Scenic photographs of the surrounding lanscape, enlarged and framed, hung on nearly every inch of the cream walls. In between hung little relics of a life well-travelled. Hand-woven rug, coarse yet soft under her calloused feet. The doorframes were painted green, and the window frames white against the dull cream on the walls but you couldn’t notice that because the photography – his photography, hugged every corner of the house and encroached the space.

Encroached? Shrouded?

Embraced.

His presence was everywhere. She breathed and his smell lingered yet. A perfume of warm smells. Tobacco – she took a deep breath. Coffee. Of course coffee. Lemon? No, grass. Freshly mown grass. A little tobacco maybe, a husky sort of smell, and wood. The wood was everywhere though. Hand-carved oak table, carved maple figurines on the mantlepiece, and the mantle itself he had cut and sanded. He loved the smell of pine, he told her, it made him feel at home.

She didn’t feel anything anymore. She could touch what he touched. Without grief or fear of plague. She could sleep on his pillow, and wear his clothes. She wanted to be reminded, now. After so long, she wanted to remember.

When she pushed the curtains away from the window, and the mountain cascaded downwards before her before rising up towards the sunset, she breathed and it was his scent the wind carried. She let it fill her lungs, caress her hair gently around her face. The pines in the valley hugged the foot of the mountain and the lombardy poplars on the slope were silhouettes to the sunset, with the sunrises casting a glorious glow about them. They became alive. Full of character. The sky was vibrant with life. Clouds scudding across the horizon and as the day crept towards night, they began to take on the magnificent hue of the retreating sun, reflecting it back onto earth.

I see you.

The earth was alive in this place. She felt its blood running through her veins.

She saw what he saw, now. His thoughts were hers.

The Girl on the Hill by Alan Lakin

This was Day Three of my Short Story Challenge. The why of which is outlined here, and the challenge of which is outlined here.

O’Henry, also known as William Sydney Porter, said of the short story writing process: “Write stories that please yourself. There is no Rule 2.” That is what I shall do.

Witness

I was witness to its inception. I saw how they built a world around themselves, some would call it a life, and I was there for its ultimate, inevitable demise.

I stood there, moulded a century ago by able, hopeful hands, built brick by brick to stand in all my magnificent glory upon the golden hill. My rooms are filled with ghosts and my walls echo with decades of laughter, haunted by nights of weeping, refreshed by the fresh paint of newcomers to this world.

Oh, I was wearily there, my sight sleepy now to the infinite cycles of the sun and the moon as they chased each other across the ever changing sky. An old crone lived within my walls, her bitter outlook had all but driven everyone away. I could turn my attention from her, just exist, as the sad darkness bloomed within me. The landscape around me, filled with glorious frondescence, turned desolate with neglect. My eyes were rheumy and tired when she arrived on the scene. She arrived first of course, bright eyed hopeful child. Brilliance shone from every crevice of her, rosy-cheeked human. Intelligence radiated from her stare. Oh she was known for her stare. She gave him that stare when she first laid eyes on him. She had him, then. I have not seen such ensnarement in all my ancient time here on this hill. Always an excuse to be near her, to help her out of a rut or a scrape. She accepted it without question, of course. She was one of those. Those little fireflies in a night of humanity, one can’t help but stare, follow, attempt to catch one and be a part of the fleeting joy that seems to buzz through them and leave traces of itself sparkling wherever they step foot. Only to realise they have caught something black and sticky, and they rush to wipe their hands.

When she came to live within my walls, I felt it. I felt the hum of life start in my very foundations, a slow and gentle rhythm that made me sit up, after many years, and open my eyes and really see the sunrise for what it was. She dug up my front garden and ploughed her way through the acres that lay sprawled around me, and within a few years I was adorned with blooms and scents that brought a smile to my countenance – if a house can smile. The old crone did not look so old anymore, her frown lines softened, I often heard a strange hacking sort of laugh, disused for years, echo within me. Once she stood at the bottom of the garden amid the roses and the sunset lit her snowy hair on fire – I caught a glimpse of her youthful ethereal beauty then. She had, I realised, not always been bitter.

I saw our young heroine fall in love. With he who had been ensnared. I saw how his smile captured her laugh in a net, I saw how he lent his strength to her zeal for life, I saw the potential of their power, together. Their first years together – some would call them turbulent. She spent a lot of her time digging the earth around me. Soon I began to hear gentler sounds, little feet pattering on wooden floors, windows flung open then anxiously sealed shut. Only to be flung open again, ‘smell the spring!’ would be her cry, and they would smell the spring. Her and the little one. For it began to only be her and the little one. The old crone had long since been carried away in a black coffin, and he who had been ensnared appeared to have lost his tongue for I no longer heard his voice. When winter threw her cold arms around me, and draped me with her soft ermine cloak, and turned the landscape into a dreary wasteland, sometimes soothing us with a covering of white to lend magic to her deathly shroud, I began to wonder at his silence. I turned my thoughts inwards and began to search for him. Footsteps, his calm assertive tones, the assured way in which he threw logs into the fireplace. I heard nothing. She dug her way through the winter, turning the earth, planting seeds, and I eagerly awaited her blooms come spring.

The blooms bloomed when the earth turned herself towards the sun that spring. First came the soft green buds, then an explosion of vibrant, gaudy colours. Too many to count. They filled every cranny and spilled out of the garden into the acreage beyond. So many of them, I was suffocated by their smell. Sweet, sickly, masking the scent of something else beneath the surface of the land. A stench I had been smelling for years, but I had been dismissive of it, so bright did she radiate.

This was Day One of my Short Story Challenge. The why of which is outlined here, and the challenge of which is outlined here.

O’Henry, also known as William Sydney Porter, said of the short story writing process: “Write stories that please yourself. There is no Rule 2.” That is what I shall do.

[24] Ghost Train

A man waits at a lonely train station. He looks at his knees.

The tunnel gapes a giant black hole to his right. Empty, full of ghosts. The rat colonies coexist with the ghouls, perhaps because they cannot see them.

When the trains rush by, the air scatters these creatures, and they grumble, and you can hear them but for the screaming as the train shrieks past. Sometimes they peer in through the windows, and you think it’s a ghostly image from an old poster, but it really is Old Man Riley from 1923 who broke his leg fixing the power lines and never made it back out to fresh air.

The station is empty tonight. A light sizzles and crackles by the escape stairs. The ‘Way Out’ sign is flickering, and the man glances furtively at it. The digital time board above his head states in its calm and technical way that the next train is on time, due in 3 minutes. He hears the familiar rushing sound through the tunnel, and cranes his neck to see what he can see. A gust of forceful wind blows his tie and lifts his hair off his forehead, and he settles back on his bench, looks at his knees again.

Nothing comes out of the tunnel. Yet he carries on looking furtively at his knees, as though avoiding eye contact. Often he shifts, moves his feet backwards, leans sideways, glances up, terrified, before looking down again. Studiously. Intently. His knees telling him the time. His knees carrying the secrets of the world.

When the train does pull into the station, he heaves a sigh of relief. Gets up, and enters through the open carriage doors. Then the train pulls away, and his terrified face peers out of the window at the ghost throngs on the empty platform.

[13] The Past is Always Better

I’ve just finished re-reading Jane Eyre, while simultaneously reading a modern day romance written in such a fashion as the past version of myself would have scoffed at.

I am no longer a judgemental prick, however, and I can appreciate that someone made an effort to publish a book which a lot of people DID like. Even though I might think the quality is cheap and the style of writing needs not one, but several, revisions.

Bronte herself, narrating as Jane, stipulated that the poetry of the ‘reader’s’ time was far beneath that of a time preceding it, as were the fashions, the literature and the conduct of the youth.

I couldn’t help smiling at the idea that through time, we have all had the same disdainful sentiments pertaining to the modern fashions of the times in which we live.

Markus Matthias Kruger.

That bloody phone.

Daily writing prompt
How do you use social media?

Too bloody much, if I am honest.

And too bloody much around my kids, to be honest. I am on my bloody phone in the car, while they’re falling asleep chatting to me… it’s in my damn pocket while I read them bedtime stories.

And what do I bloody even do on it?

Scroll social media, that’s what.

Even though I am supposed to be doing a million other productive things.

Either way, whether it’s scrolling social online dopamine prison or replying to emails or organising one’s life or scheduling the next homeschooling day or arranging an educational trip to the local quarry or searching for local bluebell woods on google maps…. it’s still my damn face stuck in front of a damn phone and it’s what my son is looking at as slumber sweetly rocks him into dreamland.

Kids watch everything you do and their neurones use what they’re exposed to, to make pathways. What sorts of pathways am I enabling in my sweet, sweet innocent children when they see me on my STUPID phone!?

Oh I grate on my own bloody nerves is what I do.

Cannot stand my bloody self!

Have made a decision to NOT use my phone around my kids at all. Leave it upstairs, on loud, so if anybody important rings I’ll be able to hear it. And that’s that.

Stupid bloody phone.

20. Transient

Half the park was lit with the streetlamps that peppered the carpark next to it. They lent their glow to the empty playground.

But if you turned away from the light, you could see blackness spreading like ink from above. The light from behind was swallowed by it. Half a civilised world, half a void of blackness where anything could exist.

Beings don’t prowl under street lights, you see.

They don’t detach themselves from shapeless shadows, they don’t have eyes that gleam through polished modern high-rises. Beings don’t walk among the civilised man. They remain in the forests, hurtling themselves over the plains, their wails carried over moors by frantic winds. They lurk under dark lakes and in the pitch black hell holes of valley caves.

If the swing begins to swing in the dark, the part of it that reaches the light takes form, little girl laughing, but as soon as it swings back into the dark again, she turns into a bewitched child; scraggly hair, bloodcurdling scream, eyes shining devilishly in the darkness.

Beings, you see, do not walk among the well-dressed men and women of this world.

And if they did, they certainly would be ignored, for everybody is distracted from the present, looking over each others’ shoulders, looking into the ‘presents’ of others, flicking, scrolling, swiping. Next best thing.

She

She was a jellyfish, floating under a wave. Bobbing gently with the ebbing current. Her translucent hair swaying silently around her still face, eyes tightly shut, sealed like death merged with life.

She was the calm in a strong wind. The centre of a storm. The silence as the raging destruction hurled life over a precipice and into the unknown. The deep breath, pregnant with dread.

She was the shadows when you slept, the coat behind the door, the woman silently watching as you tried to coax yourself to sleep. She was there, even though you convinced yourself she was just the dressing gown. Everything looks frightening in the dark.

She was surreal reality, dread behind a closed door. She was the exhibit they ignored, because it made them feel uncomfortable. She was the haunting in Connecticut, the dried eyelids in a box. She was the soft breeze that blew out the candles when the windows were closed. She was the buzzing sound of a wasp when there was none to be seen.

She held her breath for as long as she could, and when she surfaced, life flooded into her in the gasps she took of the air which hummed with oxygen. Her eyes flew open, and reflected the vivid blue stretched over her head. The waves crashed on the distant shore, and her muscles ached with the struggle for life. She kicked, hard, and glanced back. Silhouettes stood on the beach, children’s laughter carried off by the wind.

She was alive, not dead. Death hadn’t captured her yet. The current was far from her curled toes, and she pushed her chest forward with strong strokes of her slender, young arms. Back to the shore.

Back.

To life.

‘Darling, you were away for so long!’, Mam said, as she meandered with long, swaying strides towards the blanket which lay slightly rumpled in the hot sand. She bent over and towelled her hair dry.

‘I was drinking the sea,’ she murmured.

‘Do you want a sarnie? Before Chris eats them all. We’ve got egg mayo and tuna.’

‘I nearly died, mam.’

‘Don’t be silly, we were watching you the entire time.’ her mother said, cheerfully, handing her a sandwich out of a fat orange Sainsbury’s bag next to her foldable beach chair.

She took it, a fat rectangle stuffed with filling and molded like a pillow in saran wrap. She looked at the sea, crashing gently on the shore. Swimmers splashed as the sun beamed down beautifully.

I could have died, if I’d wanted to. 

What are you Afraid of?

Do you know what I’m really scared of?

I’m scared of the dark. I am terrified of the sharp shadows when I lie alone in bed. That is why I don’t like to sleep alone. I have never slept alone except that time when my family were all away for four months and I slept in my mother’s room in an empty house.

It took me hours to fall asleep every night because every creak of the house would jolt me awake, and every shadow frightened me. I have always shared a room with my sister, and when I moved out of home I shared with my husband, obviously.

I am scared of being alone. I don’t like loneliness, even though I relish solitude. I am scared my husband will see right through me and then just leave. I don’t tell him this, of course. He will see that I am a flaky fake and he won’t love me anymore.

Maybe.

I’m not a flaky fake. I am very real and solid and very much all here. But he might wake up one day and say,

That’s it, I would like to find a new human to live with thank you very much.’

I wouldn’t be the first person this has ever happened to, certainly. I am scared of that because I love him greatly and he is good for my soul and my heart and my brain.

I’m scared of failure. I am scared I will work my butt off and not get the results I need. Or not work my butt off and not get the results I need.

I am terrified of losing my parents/family. I would be devastated and heartbroken and so guilty because I am a moody git to them and it has something to do with my siblings not pulling their weight and it annoys me so much that I can’t be nice. When I moved out I realised that they are really lazy and don’t clean up and leave it all to my mother who is already doing so much and is half blind.

And that is why our house is messy.

There.

I said it aloud. And I hate that. I don’t want to go home to visit and always clean up. I am sick of them and their selfish ways. If you live there, you need to take care of your home. So I am a moody git. And I really don’t want to be.

Why, I think, can’t they be like normal people.

I am also afraid of fear. Living in fear is gut wrenching and tummy twisting. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

The last thing I am scared of, and it certainly isn’t my least biggest fear, is the loss of my soul.

Soul is very important. It is what makes you moral and kind and real and genuine and unpolluted. People who have rotten souls are generally horrible and don’t have any kind of filter and are cruel to other people and not compassionate. They are desensitised to horror and filth and unacceptable behaviour. People who are exposed too much to that sort of thing will never regain their innocence, unless they work really hard.

Like, for example, I used to swear a great deal. It was always eff this and eff that. It is just harsh and vulgar, and a sign that my soul wasn’t that great. I mean, people can swear all they like and still be kind etc but when I did it, I was really horrible and misguided. That’s just me personally. Now, when somebody swears, I flinch a little. Which might be wimpy and cheesy but it’s true. I don’t like it. It depresses me, all that swearing. It’s petty and childish and really unoriginal. I think originality is warmth.

I think that language is so diverse and there are millions of words out there and swearing might cut it if something terrible happens or whatever but there are so many more creative words to use than the ‘f’ word. So, so many more, to be said by creative minds and to be received by minds hungry for creativity.

For example the other day when my sister was cross with me she called me a ‘bulging toad’. Which was funny and made us laugh and also wasn’t a horrible swearword insulting my mother’s birthing abilities.

Anyway.

What are you afraid of?

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