[2]

My son was sick in his bed last night. I heard him scream ‘Mamaaaa’ in my dream, and I got out of bed while still somewhat asleep, stumbling to his room, groggy and feeling my way in the semi-gloom because my eyes couldn’t adjust to reality yet.

I found him on his bunk cupping his hands to his chest, telling me he had caught as much of it as he could but he was sorry it was on the bed. It’s okay, I mumbled, helping him down and ushering him into the shower. I stripped the bed while he stood forlornly under the warm stream of water, and then a wave of nausea overtook me and I had to sit down with my head between my legs for fear I would pass out.

My brain and body had reacted to my child’s need before I was fully awake, and now I was catching up to myself.

I got him cleaned up. I shoved his bedclothes and pyjamas into the washing machine, scrubbed his mattress, brushed his teeth and put him into my bed where we curled up together, his arm around me and his little fingers holding onto my cheek just as they did when he was one, two, three, four five.. his six year old fingers a lot longer, a lot stronger, caressing my cheek, and I looked at him and knew he felt the utmost safety and comfort as his eyes drooped closed.

And that, my friends, is a small mercy, in a time of Great Chaos and Disturbance.

Breakfast in Bed by Mary Cassatt – 1897

A Moment of Clarity

There is a thing that happens when you step out into the night. You are like an animal. Your ears prick and your senses heighten and you pause, while the silence envelops you. You’re alone and there is nobody else around.

It’s a little moment. A reckoning with the world and your place in it.

You’re on your way out to put the bin bags in the bins. You’re rushing because your feet are bare, the grass is wet underfoot and you’re squeamish because you know the slugs come out at night. But something stops you, and so you stop, look up, and the vastness of the sky is beaming down at you with a million twinkling lights.

Or you’re stepping outside your house in that desert of a country, and the oppressive heat is bearing its heavy weight upon you, but then a breeze caresses your cheek. And there is that pause. The vastness of the world and the quiet humming and you. In it. For that moment. Senses heightened, a glimpse into the higher meaning of everything.

And then the laughter from inside spills out, a child calls, a door unlocks, and you’re snapped back into reality and you’re carrying on with your task as though nothing happened.

Do you know that moment?

Why.

Folks I can’t write.

I have sat and racked my brains and cannot come up with words to put on paper to match what is in my heart.

And I can’t stop seeing images of brutally murdered, starved, shot, mutilated children. I can’t stop feeling sickened every single day that these killings are being justified because ‘hamas’ or ‘hostages’.

So twenty hostages justifies these horrific mind games the IDF are currently playing on Palestinians in Gaza (and the West Bank!?). Killing over 100,000 people (and yes even more than that. Whoever believes the bullshit 40,000 dead that the media has been spouting for two years is tripping and utterly ignorant. It’s well over 100,000 dead, closer to 500,000 – studies have proved this – there are hundreds and thousands of people buried under rubble who are unaccounted for. It’s a GENOCIDE.)

Babies lying on hospital floors with intestines spilling out, clearly dead, while other babies stagger around with blood on their faces and nappies looking for comfort that adults are too injured and distressed to give.

Snipers aiming to shoot babies every day – making it a sport, so doctors are seeing tens of babies shot in the head one day, and then dozens of babies shot in the leg another day, followed by a third day where it seems they played the target game of ‘shoot em all in the stomach’ – so all the injuries appear in a pattern.

Settlers ripping people from their homes illegally but with no accountability from their evil government or the international community. Settlers blocking aid to Gaza by using their own children as human shields to block the roads so aid cannot enter. ISRAEL blocking aid but then blaming the UN, when everyone knows ISRAEL alone is responsible for who goes into or out of Gaza, because they, as the occupying force, have full control of its borders.

Yet somehow this is justified because Hamas needs to ‘release the hostages’?!

There’s more. There is more. They are starving, but the Ben Shapiros and Konstantin Kisins of this world say that is okay because INTELLECTUALLY, WHAT WOULD YOUR COUNTRY DO IF IT WAS ATTACKED LIKE ISRAEL WAS ON OCTOBER 7TH?!

Intellectually?

Intellectually, I would have the moral compass to see that debating supposed ‘facts’ while defending killing in cold blood is reprehensible. I certainly would not defend it and cloak my empty baseless sentences in meaningless justification.

And then the lovely people of the UK and US and elsewhere in their comfortable homes with trays of food on their fat bellies can sit there and stand with israel because their whiteness and colonial mindset is threatened.

They believed the lies about Iraq and Iran, and they are willingly swallowing the barbed lies about Palestine.

Oh I feel so angry.

But if we say anything we are antisemitic.

So no I have had no power or desire to write feathery meaningless short stories when I am watching the world become drenched in blood and watching people openly supporting it and justifying it. I cannot right now. My mind feels weak and furious and helpless.

Am I doing bloganuary? I just logged in to check my blog before kids’ bedtime..

Daily writing prompt
Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

Oh dear. Ugh. I hate this one. But I’ll answer it anyway. The past, probably. Cringefest in my brain, all the embarrassing things I said and did. And the dumb things I chose to do. And the downright idiotic psychopathic people my lonely lost self chose to associate with. Starved of affection? Validation? God knows. Couldn’t smell the real deal when it was shoved in my face, so chased after something bogus, and harmful. Eurgh. It reeks.

I don’t think about that a lot anymore though. It rears its ugly head every so often but I soon snuff it out.

I am scared of the future. Always have been. I feel somehow I don’t deserve it. Like it’s too good for me. Or the good in it is too high for me to reach. Like I am not worthy. But when I question it I don’t understand what I have ever done to be unworthy?

Hmm, maybe making a stupid choice at 16? I was told often enough it ruined my life and made me the most evil villain to ever exist.

But the rational almost 30-year old me knows this cannot be true.

Then I try to psychoanalyse it and it presents itself clear as day but I am terrified to take it and let it speak to me.

It says ‘you never felt you deserved good things as a child.’

Now, THERE is some unpacking for me to do. Do it I must, before my kids get older, and think they too don’t deserve good things in life, so don’t go chasing better.

28. Man Hands

Hard-working hands. Work-worn hands. My language teacher when I was 12 used to have what I thought were very manly hands. I used to look at them and hope to God my hands would never turn out like that. My father used to say I had inherited his hands – he still says this lol – and that used to fill me with horror because I did not want MAN hands. I wanted dainty pretty hands with slender fingers like my mother and sister.

I don’t know why I was obsessed with hands. I’m nearly thirty now, not ten years younger than my language teacher was back when I was 12, and when I look at my hands I don’t dislike what I see. They’re worn, veiny, a little bit dry. I bite my nails. Never been able to shake that annoying habit. But I like them. I don’t see ‘man’ hands. I see my father’s hands, yes, and I see my father’s hands in my son’s hands – little and dimpled as they are – similarity in features does not mean a clone copy. I see my ancestry in them. I see years of toil in them. I don’t mind them.

Over the past year I have managed to lose 17kg of weight. Weight I had packed on over two difficult pregnancies and c-section deliveries. Also lockdown. Also general life. Last November I had HAD ENOUGH and decided to get rid of the extra bulk once and for all. I was sick of my clothes not fitting me and dared not buy any in a larger size because that would just be admitting defeat. My knees were starting to hurt (yes, at 28!!!) and I found it hard to run after my kids for so long. I needed to get healthy and strong, for my kids at least.

So for a year I toiled, folks. I lifted heavy weights five times a week and reduced my calorie intake whilst keeping my protein higher than it has ever been in my entire life. I am not still where I would like to be but last month at my sister’s wedding, and my brother in law’s wedding before that, for the first time in my life, I wore a dress that was figure hugging and I felt great. I felt really really good. I’ve never felt that good in clothes ever. Now I knew how all my ‘slim’ friends feel when they wear whatever the heck they want to wear with confidence. I worked really hard, and that is where the confidence came from. Not the weight loss.

Anyway, my hands are calloused from lifting heavy metal bars at the gym, from holding on to bars and pulling my body up with the strength of my arm muscles, and I look at them, and I am thankful for them. For their strength. For how they serve me. I guess I have come a long way from my frivolous twelve year old self. My ‘man’ hands help me get strong.

The End!

Well, we have officially reached the end of November, and the end of Nano Poblano and of course, Nanowrimo.

When I pasted my entire month’s worth of blogs into a Word document, the total word count came up to 12,567 words. Which to be honest is more than I have written in a month in MANY years. So I am Very Pleased.

It was TOUGH.

It was hard to prioritise time to write a post each day.

I would just sit down, put the number in the title, and then just write. So whatever came out of my fingertips was published immediately with no editing and no re-reading.

My plan is to read over what I have done, do a tonne of editing and planning, and then make it into the Thing it has been in my head for over seventeen years.

Might take me a few more years lol.

Might be next November when I challenge myself again.

But it will happen.

This challenge has taught me one thing: I do have time to write about 500 words a day. They don’t have to be perfect or edited, they just have to be there on paper. It’s better than nothing!

If you did nanowrimo or nano poblano or any other writing challenge this month, how did you fare?

This Land [30]

The long, harsh winter was finally over.

She realised it one crisp day in May, when she felt the warm sun on her bare arms. Her first roses were blooming. Bright, peachy yellow ones. And their sweet lemony scent danced on the breeze and filled her with such joy. Enough to go running barefoot in the gardens, flinging her hair free, the joy of the glorious sun coursing through every vein in her body.

She knew what she would do now.

She knew with all the conviction in the world.

She would go to the train station, and wait on the platform for his train to draw in. She would step forward, and immediately tell him yes.

No, she would hand him a letter.

No, no. That would be silly. She already wrote him a letter. She would just wait for him. And he would know. Why should he not know? He would know!

She raced back indoors, drawing her shawl over her shoulders in the sudden chill that hung around the back door.

‘Letter for you Laura,’ Phyllis called from the drawing room. Phyllis was visiting for the week. She debated whether to go in and get it or not.

‘Who is it from?’ she stood in the doorway, her left foot tapping impatiently on the floor.

‘Well,’ Phyllis peered at the handwriting, ‘it looks like Mary’s handwriting actually. It came through this morning. Ethel collected the letters from the post office.’

‘Oh. Mary!’ Laura darted across the room and snatched the letter from her younger sister’s hand. She ripped it open and hurried out of the drawing room, with Phyllis looking after her as though she had sprouted another head.

‘Why the rush!?’ Phyllis called anxiously, getting out of her chair.

‘I am meeting .. I am going to the train station,’ Laura threw over her shoulder, before taking the stairs two steps at a time. She dropped the envelope on the floor and shook the letter out, reading as she hurried into her room and shut the door behind her.

Dearest Laura,

Your letter was beautiful. I do miss you so. We have settled in nicely by the sea. John’s practice is marvellous. And I am doing so well with so much fresh air to cleanse my lungs. They have accepted my application at the College and I have my first class on the first week of June. It’s only a small class; I shall be teaching the summer students before they move me onto something more permanent. They say it’s a probationary period. I am not at all nervous, I tell you. We are both looking forward to your visit in August. I have the most wonderful room here for you. It looks right over the sea and the window is as tall as I am! Every night when the days are clear I watch the sunset and I think how you would adore this darling little room. You would feel right at home here. And come September, when our number shall increase by one… I feel giddy thinking about it!

Now for the real reason I write to you so hurriedly, Laura. Tom refuses to tell you, so I must do it myself and warn you before he arrives, lest you have the shock of your life. He is engaged to be married, my love. To Rosaline. Remember Rosaline? You got on really well with her at the Winter dance when you came to visit us at Leighton. He is bringing her and her mother back with him for the summer. Says he wants to give them the tour of the town. I expect he wants to show them the old haunts. Rosaline tells me he tells her about your roses and she is keen to see them. I write only to let you know, so you don’t keel over or anything silly like that.

With all my ferocious love,

Mary

She finished reading the letter and her legs were frozen in place. A soft knock on the bedroom door, and when she didn’t respond, Phyllis pushed it open and peered around.

Laura’s face was pale.

‘So you know,’ Phyllis’s voice was gentle as she came into the room and took her sister into her arms.

Laura shook herself free, tossing her head.

‘Know what?’ she snapped, folding the letter and putting it away into her drawer.

‘About Tom?’

‘Oh! Yes, of course I know. Why are you being so motherly all of a sudden?’ she said curtly, pulling on her coat.

‘Laura, come now, don’t…’

‘I’m going for a walk, Phyllis. Please. Allow me to get dressed in peace.’

She pushed past her sister, seizing her shawl and wrapping it around her neck. She picked her hat up and stalked out.

Company [15]

Republishing this as part of my NanoWrimo. It fits. It belongs. Is it cheating? Maybe, maybe! But it belongs.

A basket of strawberries, over a slender brown arm, gleaming in the heady sun of July.

A basket of strawberries, and fields rolling away with greenery and promise. Insects buzzing in the thickets nearby, birds chirruping, as a soft breeze swooping through the very tips of the trees, a gentle swooshing sound, bringing a coolness that prickled the tiniest hairs on her skin.

Perhaps now she would turn, and would see a tall, handsome figure walking up the hill towards her. Perhaps he would call on her to wait for him. She would stand, alright, and wait for him, and when he joined her he would whisk her away somewhere. He would have his motorcar waiting, and they would sail into the horizon. Where would they go? She wasn’t entirely sure, but it would be somewhere great. She would look upon his face and a thread of understanding would pass from his eyes to hers. She stood, now, in the long, almost still, summer afternoon, at the crest of the hill, with the scenery rolling away from her, far into the distance, and shadows of clouds drifting lazily across the sunny landscape.

And so, so still, almost like a picture.

‘Hi! Laura! Hiiii!’

She whipped around, her basket almost slipping from her arm. A tall figure, marching up the hill towards her. He was waving his hat madly, certainly not her mysterious handsome stranger. He was handsome, there was no denying that. Handsome, but so… so … familiar. For it was only Tom.

‘Oh. It’s you.’ she said, when he had reached her, and she continued to pick her way across the field. She lifted her skirts a little, the meadow grass rising high above her hem.

‘You say that like you are disappointed,’ he said, there was a small twinkle in his eye, so slight, and it irritated her.

‘Am I not the handsome stranger you so anticipated?’

She looked sharply at him, but there was only amusement in his eyes. Bright, mirthful eyes, as blue as the deep sky all around them.

‘No, not disappointed,’ she said lightly, shifting the basket to her other arm. He glanced inside. Strawberries of all kinds and colours tumbled over each other, small ones, big ones, shaped like tomatoes and hearts, bright red, gentle pink, red tinged with white and green.

‘I’ve come to drag you back for supper.’

‘Much ado about supper,’ she picked a wild strawberry from her basket and popped it into her mouth, ‘I’m not hungry’.

‘My sister sent me after you,’ he said, ‘I’m to bring you home immediately.’

‘Well you needn’t always do as you’re told,’ she scolded, severely, ‘I was rather enjoying my solitude and expecting to have an adventure, until you came along and dis-enthralled the occasion.’

‘Oh, I dis-enthralled the occasion, did I. And what occasion was this, that it commanded you to trail your muddy skirts in solitude through the fields?’

‘Never you mind!’ she snapped.

‘My, but you are sour today.’

She sighed, and then glanced at him. He was looking expectantly at her, and his face was so youthful, so carefree, and his eyes danced just so, in that boyish way of his, that she relented a little.

‘I was longing for an adventure,’ she said, finally, stooping a little to pick a wild stalk from by her feet, ‘and I supposed, when I saw your figure in the distance, that you might be it.’

He contemplated her for a few moments, and his face was blank, and then he erupted into loud laughter, and she laughed with him, because it was frivolous and silly, and he made it seem so carefree, and it made her happy.

‘Ah, hence the disappointment’, he said, wiping his eyes, ‘come now, Laura, your adventure shall not forsake you, but it is time to go back for supper, else they’ll all be mad, and we shall have a merry time of it.’

Irritation set in again, and made her square her shoulders, ‘need they be so .. so.. rigid!?’

‘They are worried,’ he smiled gently, ‘John isn’t here, so I expect I am your company for the evening, and your mother wanted to make sure that you were available for it, and behaved like the lady that you are.’

‘Lady, indeed!’

‘Well, is the promise of my being company not enough to entice your stubborn spirit?’

Laura threw her head back and laughed heartily, ‘Oh, Tom. Company, really?! You aren’t company anymore. You don’t need me there to entertain you, when all the others are there. You’re simply — why, you’re part of the furniture!’

He regarded her silently, and the laughter vanished from his eyes. She didn’t notice, for her back was to him, as she sailed along ahead of him.

The breeze rustled through the tall meadow grass, the buttercups and wild daises rippling in wonderful waves across the sloping hills, the wind pushing clouds along in the sky, the leaves gently conversing with each other in the distant thicket. A loud motorcar announced itself on the road just beyond the field, whizzing past in a flash of silver and red, and then silence once more. Silence and the earthly sounds of nature, and the two of them, picking their way through the field and on to the road, her ahead, him behind.

Ethereal [10]

I don’t know how to pay attention.

To the moon, to the stars, to the earth spinning in the galaxy.

I don’t know how to slow down and hear the leaves fall.

I sometimes stand still when it is dark, but light. I can hear the call of the humming system that is life. I can hear it in the way the trees rustle together.

I can see it when the clouds, dark and purple, scud themselves over the beaming moon.

I can hear it when humanity is tucked away for the night. In the stillness.

It roars loudly when the machinery shuts off for the night.

It roars and it calls me, you see.

But I am always in a rush, I don’t heed its call.

What would happen if I stopped, and listened? If I turned my eyes upwards. If I let them focus, till the blur became a sharp knife to slice through reality as I know it.

What would I hear? What would I see?

Image Credit

Little Things

When I come home to my mother’s house, it is the simple things that remind me of home.

She doesn’t live in my childhood home anymore. I don’t have my own ‘room’ here; me and the kids sleep in my sister’s room whenever we come and stay. There is a lot of unspoken tension, and lots of standard-family issues, but there are also things that remind me of being little again.

Things that make my senses spark, my tastebuds come alive with the remembrance of something that made them what they are today.

Things like, a steaming bowl of harira, which is like a Moroccan minestrone soup. It has a tomatoey base, with celery, parsley, onions, ginger. Chickpeas and soft pieces of boiled lamb float in the rich soup, and thin vermicelli pasta pieces with some brown lentils make it a complete meal on its own. Of course, in my family, we have to serve it with parisian, which is what Moroccans call ‘french bread’ – something leftover from the French colonisation of the land. Fresh warm crusty french loaf slathered with a generous layer of salted butter to dip into your bowl of tasty soup. Makes my tummy feel like it’s home.

Things like, although my parents don’t get on anymore, the sound of my parents talking from their bedroom. My dad’s voice low, my mum’s soft, up and down in tone, lulling me to sleep. Then in the middle of the night, the sound of my father snoring rumbling through the entire house, all three floors of it. That too, is the sound of comfort.

Or today for lunch when my mother and three year old son sat together having what she calls ‘dipping egg’, but what is more commonly known as a half boiled egg. Tapping the top, dipping buttered ‘soldiers’ into the thick, golden yolk. My son loved his lunch, he has never had ‘dipping egg’ before, for I have never eaten it since I grew out of childhood. I had an egg of my own, and the taste of the warm yolk on buttered brown toast instantly took me back to my childhood kitchen.

Small things.

Small little things you never know you missed until they come back into your life again.

Bowl of fresh harira, food for the soul.