“Wuthering Heights”

I staunchly defended this Emerald Fennell’s right to create an ‘interpretation’ of a lauded classic, for many weeks before I actually sat down to watch “Wuthering Heights” as it is so named.

I said, people must be allowed the freedom of expression to express their creativity on a piece of literature such as this!

Mind you, I am a purist. I love Emily Bronte’s dark and insane work. It spoke to me at ten years old in one particular way, and then over the years as my ever-growing brain revisited it, it spoke to me differently each time. The older I get, the more weary I feel towards it, but it still has its inexplicable pull.

As younger me put it:

I finished a re-read of Jane Eyre last month and yesterday I turned the last page on that chaotic nightmare that is Wuthering Heights. It’s my fourth time reading it and I tell you, it’s emotionally unhinged. It tells me a different story each time I read it. This time, it spoke of futile hope when love and kindness are not given freely. Also that people ought to socialise with people other than their own families sometimes lest they all marry each other for want of better things to do.

So I watched this controversial “Wuthering Heights”. I was prepared to put aside all judgement and criticism and just attempt to enjoy it for what it was but I fear.. I … could not!

Oh I could not. Oh how disgusted I felt! How stunned and how witheringly irritated. I felt as though it had been stripped bare of all of Bronte’s painstaking intricacy, only leaving the haunting imagery of a weak sexual fever dream of what a fifteen year old, over twenty years ago, would have imagined it to be, not having understood it at all.

We have a tortured love story, consummated towards the end, but never satisfied with an everlasting union, and a set decked for conquest. Adorned for gaudy exuberance. Attired for extravagance. We are shown so much visually, but are told so little. I see feeble attempts at deeper analytical exploration, but it all falls so terribly flat. We have the brilliance of a woman who lived a short life over 150 years ago stripped to bare, primal essentials, and dressed in modern-day fluff.

Oh, it was awful. I tried to detach from Wuthering Heights to watch it as it was meant to be, an entertaining piece of pulp, but I could not. I found it lacking substance. Empty like a vanity cake. Decorated so vibrantly, nothing inside. A rotten core. No core at all. Where is that rich, decadent yolk? We just have a cracked shell.

The film did fantastically well, of course, so I expect the makers got what they desired from it, and that is all that matters, isn’t it. I do wish they had named it anything other than ‘Wuthering Heights’ – because they could have made it any story at all. They didn’t need to say it was what it wasn’t.

Random Thoughts 2022

Stephanie Meyer published a book called ‘Midnight Sun’. It is a retelling of her famous Twilight novel from the perspective of the male love interest, a vampire named Edward. In 2009, when the Twilight series was all the rage, I was fourteen years old. I was enamoured, to be honest. My parents forbade me from reading vampire romance so reading in the dark, in secret, made it all the more glorious. Oh I savoured every word. Anyway. All this is to say that hearing about Midnight Sun sparked some curiousity so I read some reviews and watched some ‘booktubers’ talking about it and have come to the conclusion that my 27 year old self really doesn’t have the time to read about the inner thinkings of a hundred and something year old vampire who decides, with the gift of immortality, to spend time in a highschool with sixteen year olds, and falls in love with one of them. I mean. I am 27. If I was immortal, highschool would be the last place I would spend my time, my goodness.

I realised this week, when my 2 year old had his first ever tummy bug, that I have to put my own tummy bug on hold in order to deal with his. I had to still rush up and down stairs, cleaning out vomit from sheets and floors and buckets, disinfecting everything. I had to make sure he was hydrated, and lie next to him ready with the bucket at his slightest stir. It’s amazing how the human body works. One minute I was so exhausted I couldn’t get off the sofa, and the next I was hurtling across the room to catch my child, who was shivering and hot and had vomit in his hair. Lovely.

There is also a ‘petrol shortage’ in the UK. I think it’s just a combination of panic-buying and a shortage of lorry drivers due to Brexit. Funny that, isn’t it. Leavers were worried ‘foreigners’ were taking all their jobs… now not enough ‘foreigners’ are taking the jobs. Funny funny irony. Thankfully we do not use our car much, so we are alright. But I have heard tales of ambulances not being able to fuel up due to the ‘shortage’ and have seen plenty of memes about ‘loo roll wankers’ being the same douchebags who are filling up plastic water bottles with petrol because this is apparently the end of times and what do we need most in an apocalypse? Petrol. Oh. Humanity.

I spend a lot of time thinking but my thoughts are to-do lists.

2026: Why I am publishing this list of 2022 thoughts now, I have no idea. I came across it in my drafts folder and sentiments sure have changed in 4 years. My 2 year old is now almost 7, and I have a nearly 5 year old, and my thoughts are occupied by far more complex things! But why not publish this, why ever not.

[26] Unrequited

Gale force winds tore at bare branches. Dead and withered leaves flew past, circled the ground, were wrenched here and there until they crumbled under the pressure of the storm or blew themselves into a rut from which they could not escape. Heavy clouds scudded speedily across the sky, grey and gloomy, bright here and dark there. Wild geese soared against the tempest in their hundreds under the clouds. It was a mighty sight for the sorest eyes. 

It was under such blustery circumstances that she found herself being introduced to Thomas Norton, the doctor from South Bridge, a very distinguished young man. 

‘Oh,’ he began eagerly, but she interrupted him, putting her hand out to him, saying curtly, ‘Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Dr Norton’.

His lips parted, such a slight movement, his voice cracked, eyebrows lifted.

‘But, L-‘ he began, and again she interrupted, ‘I did not know you were from South Bridge. My family lives there also. I have just taken the train from there this very morning. How long has it been since you left the dear place?’

Tom glanced quickly at their mutual acquaintance. Clearing his throat, he took her hand and smiled warmly. She saw him swallow, felt how hard his hand squeezed hers, and oh, the way his chin moved – all these mannerisms she recognised so very well from their childhood, adolescence, early adulthood together, all these mannerisms she knew with such familiarity, and which tore at her heartstrings. Still, she held firm under his discomfort. 

‘Two years,’ came his reply. His voice cracked a little

‘Oh, that’s a while, Doctor.’

‘Indeed it is,’ he murmured. 

‘Have you any plans to return?’ she inquired, knowing full well his answer.

‘Not at present,’ and his eyes smarted at her, ‘I have – I have other plans here at present.’

‘Yes!’ gasped Lady Locke, clapping her hands, ‘Why yes! Doctor Norton is to be married soon, Laura, to the wonderful Miss Rosalind Winters. You made her acquaintance yesterday, she came for tea with her cousins.’

‘Oh how lovely,’ said Laura, simply. She smiled, her fullest, brightest smile at him. Her eyes danced, her dimples flitted in and out of her cheeks, ‘congratulations, Doctor Norton, I wish you’ she paused, her eyes meeting his, wordless exchange running between them like a current of fire, ‘all the happiness in the world.’ The last came out as a breathless whisper. 

‘Thank you, very much, Miss Smith,’ was his reply. 

When the two ladies carried on their way, skirts tugged this way and that by the wind, shawls flapping behind them, he stood for a few moments as the world darkened around him. He looked at the sky. The birds soaring above, the wind was almost visible. It whipped around him, almost carrying him off with the strength of it.

Cairo Winter by John Atkinson Grimshaw

[18] A Mile a Day

Remember that guy who said he would walk five hundred miles, and then five hundred more, just to be the guy who walked a thousand miles to fall at her door? Talk about unrealistic love.

Which young person dreamed up a grand romance only to crash down onto the ebony rocks of a fearsome shore when they were confronted with the harsh realisation that it wasn’t true, that it never would be?

He rolled his eyes at this. Here she goes again. Soon she would lament that he had not given her a handwritten card for their anniversary. He braced himself, and there it came. There it was. A small sharp sentence covered in thorns, aimed expertly at him, and thrown with exceptional accuracy. Why, she was a master at this trick. It hit its target alright, and it was laced with poison, for he immediately tasted something sour in his mouth, and a little ghoul settled itself around his heart and squeezed it maliciously.

He threw his fair share of thorns, too, he supposed. He laced them with poison also. Sometimes the green poison of jealousy. Sometimes the fiery poison of fury. Sometimes it was just plain old hurt.

The hurt we give. Without thinking, mostly. Not realising it escalates into something larger. Like a giant saucer hanging ominously over the earth, it feels too late to take the thorns back because they build up into something elephantine. A literal elephant in the room.

And you pick at it and pick at it each day and it’s like a fungi, exploding into something else.

One day he wasn’t tired though. He stood by the window one morning. It was exceptionally cloudy, but exceptionally beautiful, because the sunlight fought majestically that day for its glorious life, and lit up the world in a hazy, wintry light, shining through the thin shroud of cloud, and giving life to the dead wintry earth below.

And he realised something, when he saw her step out into the back garden with her basket of freshly washed clothes piled high, to hang in the frigid air and become cold and crisp. Her clothes and his. She began pegging the laundry onto the washing line. Her blouse, his trousers, his shirt, a pair of thick white socks he got for her last winter because two of her toes refused to circulate blood in the cold and became numb. Hers and his. She glanced up at the window, saw him, smiled. He smiled back.

And he realised that the thorns were a prerequisite to the bed of rosebushes they had built together.

Winter Morning at the Brook by Walter Launt Palmer

[16] A Tin of Beans from the Corner Shop

Her mother asked her to go to the shop on the corner of the street to buy a tin of beans. She put her shoes on first before taking the change offered to her and stepping out of the front door. The sun shone beautifully that morning. It was all she could do to stop herself soaring into the sky above. The deepest, cleanest blue it had been for weeks. She walked down the road, turned left where a pile of children sat on each others backs trying to see which one would topple the child pyramid.

‘Oi, Myra, come join us!’ one of them yelled. She couldn’t tell who it was because his voice was muffled. She turned up her nose and put the change in her pocket, walking faster.

‘Hoity toity!’ another child yelled, and the child-pyramid wobbled and the children came tumbling down.

‘You won’t get away with this, Myra!!!’ the first child screamed at her, as the children scrambled around trying to rebuild their human pyramid.

She smiled to herself, thinking of the prize that awaited her.

Pushing open the door of the corner shop, she called, ‘Hullo, Mrs Lubna!’

Mrs Lubna stood up a little too quickly, wobbling and adjusting her glasses. Her cap was askew and there was a basket of eggs on her arm which she had been arranging neatly in little brown egg boxes.

‘Myra, you gave me such a fright!’ she scolded, bending down again, and ‘My back!’ she grumbled.

Myra picked out a tin of beans and put it on the counter, counting out her change.

‘Seventy pence, is it, Mrs Lubna?’

‘That’ll be right.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Good bye, love.’

Eighteenth of January

Every year on the 18th of January I post about my marriage anniversary. This year I forgot. I can’t remember what I was doing. Rushing about like a headless chicken, probably. My husband worked late, I recall. It was our Big Ten. A decade of marriage.

I am not soppy or sappy. A pragmatist, I think. I enjoy romance but not too much of it, and romantic gestures make me want to laugh. I think proposals are silly and believe public proclamations of love to be suspicious. I like romance to be intimate and personal. Only for those involved.

My husband thinks I want him to be Mr Darcy, and after re-reading Pride and Prejudice this year I decided that I very much do not want him to be Mr Darcy. I am perfectly happy with his flaws, thank you, and prefer them over the perfection of storybook heroes. Not that Mr Darcy is portrayed to be perfect by any means.

I am content with our differing tastes in films and books. I am happy that he enjoys laughing at things I shudder at. I can lie next to him reading Wuthering Heights while he chuckles himself silly over an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, both of us in our separate worlds, but happy in each other’s company. I don’t even mind him doing irritating things like mixing coffee with chicory – and I came to the conclusion that although he drives me insanely mad, I enjoy having him around to be mad at.

I think that is what it boils down to really.

Image Credit

Brain Rules

This year I promised last year’s me that I would read 30 books (5 books more than my 25 book challenge last year!). I completed 26 books last year so I thought I would up my challenge a little bit. Just a small margin, haha!

One condition with these books, though, is that they have to be less fictional. My TBR (to-be-read) pile increasingly contains non fiction books about parenting, child brain development and other things I found an interest in but never pursued (such as the strange story of Typhoid Mary!), and I thought this year I really ought to buckle down and really the read things I have saved for later.

So it’s the end of January and I have completed one book so far. It’s called ‘Brain Rules for Baby’ by John Medina.

It was a wonderful book, full of scientific research about the best practices to follow in order to raise happy, healthy and most importantly, emotionally regulated children.

John Medina (who is a father of two) never writes in a way that makes you feel bad for not doing something. His tone is cheery, upbeat and optimistic. There is always something you can do, as long as you do it! Big or small.

One of the biggest things I took away from this book was the need for children to play, and to have a social circle. I won’t go into anymore detail as I am currently with my children (they are having breakfast and I am typing this out quickly while they make a colossal mess everywhere!) – but I loved reading this book. I learnt a great deal, and I am going to be using it as a reference point over the years to come. It made me feel energised and full of ideas for play and connectivity as my children grow.

I’ll Give You the Sun

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First, before I delve into anything, I just want to say that if you are wearing shorts and have bare legs and live in a cold-ish country, don’t put your metal laptop on your lap. I just did that and the cold metal felt like searing heat on my poor legs.

Anyway. When I was 19 and still rather green, I read this wonderful book called ‘The Sky is Everywhere‘ by this vivacious YA writer named Jandy Nelson. I honestly thought the sky soared out of her pen. I was captivated and mesmerised and just head over heels in love with how this woman wrote.

Which is why, three years ago, I saw one of her books at a charity shop and picked it up immediately, nestled it under my coat to protect it from the rain, and placed it lovingly in my bookshelf where it sat through a new job, pregnancy, new motherhood … to now.

It’s called ‘I’ll Give You the Sun’ and I am writing about it because I have realised that I am just plain old, folks.

Jandy Nelson writes like there are fireworks in her fingers. Her brain has ethereal, colourful wings. Her mind is ridiculously fantastic. She writes so wonderfully, and her magic still made me hooked on her story, but I couldn’t help thinking how contrived it all was.

Let me make myself clear. I’ll Give You the Sun is a YA novel about grief, love and growth. It centres around a pair of twins, boy and girl, who used to be inseparable until a tragedy befalls them, and deals with how each twin navigates this tragedy, how it affects them individually and their relationship with each other, as well as how they view the outside world. The boy is gay, so there is some LGBTQ romance in there too. There is a lot of talk about soulmates and artistic genius and, told from the point of view of 14 and 16 year olds, every emotion is heightened and you can FEEL the hormones just leaping out of the page…

It is a beautiful story, but my 25 year old self is not my 19 year old self. I honestly felt like it was just a tad too wishy washy and dreamy for me. I scoffed at times, while reading some of the romantic exchanges. Like, how can you fall in love and be SOULMATES after having had just one conversation?

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Like, a LOT of the feelings of love being described made me grin. I was 16 once. I was ‘in love’. It’s all just screaming lust. Not that lust cannot lead to love, of course, but adult me shared a grin with adult inner-me. 19 year old me would roll her eyes and say I was just cynical. I am not.

But this story is not just about romance. It deals with so much more and deals with it so well, that even cynical old 25 year old me felt some emotions and was hooked till the very last page. So, if you like contrived soul-matey very lucky teenage ‘true love’, grief, happiness, art, vivacious writing and lots of metaphors, then this book is for you.

origin

There.

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Here are a few more quotes.

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I love this one. This one is often true for me.

Purple, Orange and Black

Books and films, in essence, are thoughts. Other people’s thoughts, that you think when you read them. You may take them as an opinion and inherently disagree, but these are still thoughts and ideas, and they add to your trove of thoughts and ideas and influence you. That is all there is to say about that.

I was not worried that The Colour Purple would influence me negatively, because if anything, it is the story of strength and perseverance through the roughest of lives. But I remember reading Alice Walker as a child, and Toni Morrison, and I remember feeling terrified and revolted, and wishing that the BOOK, you know, the symbol of happiness and life and adventure, wasn’t so vicious and dark. I kept trying to pick it up again, hoping this time it wouldn’t be as gruesome, but it was, and I felt violated. Of course, I am not blaming the books. The books are wonderful, and helped to highlight to many unfortunate things in the world, and gave a voice to previously unheard voices. But I was only nine, and I wasn’t allowed to read it but I still did, so I only had myself to blame.

And so, when I read The Colour Purple, I was tentative and afraid.  I was worried I would read more terrible things that would leave a nasty taste in my mouth, no matter they were the harsh reality, and still are the harsh reality of so many women around the earth. I don’t want to know that these things can happen, I don’t want to read about them in sordid detail, and hear the literary thoughts of those who inflict them, because these thoughts are the real thoughts that have been thought by real people. People who, if I saw on a day to day basis, I would probably avoid. I would. I think I would. I wouldn’t want to associate with them, because I wouldn’t want to learn what was in such a toxic brain. I wouldn’t want to familiarise myself with those kinds of thoughts. And so, when such thoughts, even when married to GOOD ones, are in my hands, in my living room, on my sofa, I feel violated. I feel obnoxious and worried and disgusted and heartbroken.

I watched the most recent season of Orange is the new Black, and while it was raw and honest and reflective of what is true for so many black people in America, I felt that it was poor. Why do the white people get good endings? Why did the black girl have to be condemned, and the Mexican girl get deported? Life is hopeless if you’re ‘coloured’ in America, this show seems to say. There is no hope for you.

I think that is a shockingly poor message. I think that while reflecting on what really does happen, there should be something to incite some change, too. Some flicker of hope. Something to suggest that there is a way out, that we have to keep fighting, not just give up. Was this show made by white people? This is black, this is white. That is the message I got. And that is how it is.

And reading The Colour Purple, right after watching the last season of Orange is the New Black, opened my eyes wide. Things have only changed in the past hundred or so years in terms of technology and social perception. Things have not changed when it comes to how non-white people are treated in America. But Alice Walker comes out soaring, compared to the makers of OITNB. She screams from the rooftops that all is not lost, that there is hope, that a poor, black woman can overcome her adversaries and succeed. In spite of them, because of them.

 

 

 

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The Thorn Birds

A peado priest falls in love with a little girl.

No, I am joking. He doesn’t. He only ‘falls in love’ with her when she develops a pair of … I can’t think of a dignified name for those things.

No that is too vulgar. Anyway that really isn’t the entirety of the story, but I think it caused sensation when it was published because that is what stood out the most.

That isn’t what this book was about. I read the last sentence today.

And we still do it. Still we do it.

Do what?

Put thorns in our breasts, that’s what.

This book touched me beyond my brain cells. It touched somewhere deep inside my cranium, some would call it a soul. It prodded it and then it simpered like an evil waif, and vanished, leaving me looking down at a new hole. A bit surprised, actually. I didn’t think it would affect me this way.

Somebody once told me that once you have read or seen something, it is a thought in your brain. It belongs to you. You cannot un-think it.

When a writer writes so well that you feel like you are one with the characters, feeling things they feel, even though you have never felt these things… you have bent to the will of the pen. You have never felt those things? Oh, but you have. You’ve felt an echo of them. And now, you know.

I didn’t like all of the characters, but I liked them immensely.

This book didn’t sear me because of its plot, or its characters. Its plot was devastating, to be sure, and its characters deeply twisted and vastly, enormously human. But this book had a soul of its own. It is life, itself.

Sure, it was life from the perspective of one individual brain, but it seethed into being, it spluttered, it gasped, it breathed.

I really wish I didn’t read it, because I can’t un-think it.

But I am glad I did.

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