I’m in that place again.  It feels so amazing.  I woke from a full 8 hrs of sleep to a beautiful summer morning.  It has been so hot lately I have felt drained, feeling trapped in my home with windows and doors closed and air on most of the time.  It has been dangerously hot.

This morning I am able to open the windows, hear the birds, feel the breeze.  I feel the way I used to writing on my pallet in front of the open window of my second floor apartment.  I feel that feeling in my chest, what’s it called? Love?  I think that’s it.

That feeling of connecting with nature, of not feeling lonely, of writing.  There is sadness underneath but it is not all encompassing.  The breeze makes me cry for the love she brings.  Feelings of another season, early fall perhaps.  Or another season in my life.  With that thought the tears come.  They have been locked up for awhile and I have been awaiting their return.

I want the simple life but then try to create more more more things to do.  I move forward then back up.  I send texts to connect then back away.   Move forward then back away.  I want a family again.  Mother and father gone.  Sister and brother living hours away.  Sons in the same city but wanting their space.  Me the one to reach out.  A role I have placed myself in.  What would happen if I stepped back?  Would others move forward?  Is he really out there seeking me?  Where are the classy people?  Do I need to move further than a few blocks away. Hours away perhaps.

I realize I have expectations.  For good or bad.  Mostly I think expectations are not good.  My friend said, “Have no expectations.”

My dreams had me responsible for babysitting a previous pre-school student of mine.  Duncan.  I was in contact with his mother by phone.  But I was elsewhere, not home watching him.  I thought maybe Shannon was there with him but felt guilty that I was not there.  When I arrived home, worried he was home alone, I was greeted by a teenager.  He did not need a baby sitter after all.  He was pleasant and I really liked him.

In another dream the contents of a storage unit we had in our apartment had been emptied and all of our items where in a large space inside the complex.  The management had moved our belongings out to make space for the new people moving in.  Although they were moving in next door and not into our space.  There were two teenage boys and a mom.  Sounds familiar.  They came over to the space where my belongings were and I told them what had happened.  The mother did not come over.  I saw  her when I looked out of my front windows.  She was in her yard next door.  She had a nice front lawn that I was a bit jealous of.  I think with a fenced yard.  I had a closed-in front porch that was a little old.   My cats or maybe I had two dogs, had been in her fenced in yard but they got out and I was trying to catch them.  The boys were very nice.  I liked them.  The mother seemed a little stressed and not that happy.  I was kind of excited to have them move in although I was supposed to be moving out soon.  My mom was in the picture at some point.  I’m not sure if she lived with me or was visiting.

I woke up still connected to my dreams.   A good night’s sleep makes all of the difference.  I am so bothered by the fact my eldest son does not get good sleep.  I wonder if he tried all of the things he knows to do and got into a regular routine with good sleep hygiene if that would make a world of difference for him.  It’s so hard being a mother when they no longer what you to be in that role.  Maybe that is the nature of that ever-changing role.  I still want to be a mother.  But I guess that means something different these days.  I’m trying to figure out what that is.  My heart is hurting.  I’m having flashbacks to when they were young.  I had a role.  I didn’t need to wonder about a career and if I was where I needed to be.  I didn’t question it.  Some days I loved it other days it was extremely challenging.  I can’t rewrite it.  Or maybe I could, if I wanted to.

If I could rewrite my past I would remove the pain that dwelled in my husband so he wouldn’t have turned angry as the years went on.  I would have given myself the courage and self esteem to take care of me more.  I would have talked to him about the necessity of getting help instead of trying to change him to fit my mold.  I would have sought for collaboration in parenting instead of thinking I knew what was right or best and trying to have all of the control.

But there was so much love, and still is.  At least I have it for them.  Can I sit back for awhile? Reprogram things so others come to me?  Instead of me feeling like I always need to move towards?  How to live in this world.  What if I could do anything I wanted?  If money were no issue?  I think I can.   But what is it?  I’m hungry.  Is this it?  Am I here, right now, doing what I want?  Yes.

Sometimes, most of the time, I have a strong desire, need, to help others.  Sometimes I need to just focus on myself.  Then I feel a little guilty.  Like I should be contributing in some way.  Like taking care of me is not contributing to the larger good.  Although I know this is not true.  It is contributing to the larger good.  And that makes me feel good.

I often see things in black and white.  Either I spend time on myself or time helping others.  People are good or bad.  Etc.  Case in point, I was trying to make a new friend, he has so many great qualities but did a few things that were dishonest or deceiving so I texted him I didn’t think a friendship would work out as I needed honest people in my life.  Black and white thinking maybe.  Or maybe just my maturation in discernment as to who is best to have in my life, especially when it comes to men.

It is best to end now so I can move onto my meditation, breakfast, exercise, a nature hike, then work on my business.  I keep thinking about hiring a psychic to see if I am on the right track in my life, but I haven’t found the right one yet.  It’s important I feel the person is legit as most charge a lot of money.

I love you!  Bye bye.

Suzanne Norton