It’s been awhile.  Seems I say that every time I get on here now.  I am so happy with this new format.  It is so much more user friendly for my tablet.

I’m sitting in that old familiar place.  You know, the one in front of my bedroom window.  I am not the same person I was a year ago.  Two years ago.  Has it been that long?  Although none of us are.  We all change each minute of every day, in some way, into a different person.  Some of us more than others.  My moods change easily.  I am learning what I need for sustenance.  These themes reappear over and over in my writing.

It is an amazing Fall day.  That sweet friend, the breeze, reminds me.  “Suzanne this is where your heart is.  Don’t forget me.” I’m giving myself this time to sit down and write.  It feels lovely.  I forget things easily.  Like how important it is to do the things that fill my heart.  How valid it is to listen to my inner guide.  And how utterly important it is to follow.

I have much to do today, but I am getting better about not letting it overwhelm me.  About not worrying that I won’t get it done.  I am noticing how much these reactions were present and created my suffering.  I am living in the moment more without (or with minimal) guilt or judgement for spending my hours in the way that feels right.

I have condemned myself heavily over these past few years.  I wrote about it often.  The voice of shame and guilt.  She would tell me I was bad for not spending many hours a day in the typical American fashion of earning dollars.  She would tell me that is what I should be doing.  That was respectable.  That was contributing. Doing otherwise was a lazy way.  Irresponsible.  Not giving to the world.  Not changing the world.  That I was putting way too much focus on myself and not others.

I am still exploring all of these things but I have decided the only one who really knows what I should be giving to the world is me.  The only one who can direct my actions, the way I spend my time, what I think, is me.  I am practicing much more compassion towards myself.  I am staying more open.  Controlling less.  Trusting more.  The Universe.  Other people.  I am beginning to understand how to make money to support myself and my son.  I am staying open to believing there are so many ways to make it, and working 40 hours or more a week is not the only way.  Is not my way.   I am getting better about listening to my body.  Feeding it.  Now it is saying, “I need to move.”  So that means, getting dressed and going to the field to do Tai Chi.  I am understanding more when the need is social sustenance.  And not judging it.  I don’t judge when I need movement or food, but I had been judging needing social sustenance.  Thinking I “should” be fine just being by myself.  Now  I am beginning to see, it is no different than food, water, exercise, or sleep.   Solitude is necessary as well.  It is a time I can let insights blossom and bloom.  Let my fears seep out and be heard, felt, and cared for.  A time for writing, crying, and loving myself.

I am very complex and multifaceted.  I am learning to let it all flow through me and around me.  I am no longer trying to become someone.  I have worked hard to become that person.  I will still continue to grow, learn, and develop ~ always.  I worked hard to present myself as beautiful, classy, graceful, peaceful.  Now I get feedback on all of these things, so I can relax a bit.  I have become who I set out to be. It still takes practice.  I am trusting the process.  Controlling less.  Sitting on my cushion more.

Time to move on with the morning now.  Get dressed.   Take my compost out to the field, do Qigong and Tai Chi, deliver the compost to my neighbor’s compost pile.   Clean my house.  So much to do.  I still put too much on my schedule some days.  I have a friend to visit later. Office work to do.  I had made a commitment yesterday to read/study for two hours every day. (That one is one of the hardest to make myself do.)  A new yoga class to prepare for an teach, which I am very excited about. Transitions are getting much easier so that is wonderful and a huge relief.

So, on to making the transition to getting out on this beautiful morning.

Onward and outward.

Peace to you.

Suzanne

P.S.  Please leave me a comment to reconnect.  I miss my blogging family.  Sorry I have been ignoring you.