I realized today that my desire for another is matched by my desire to be desired.  This is a craving of mine.  Now that I have had it, I want more of it.  For someone that I want to want me back.  To want to know all about me.  Who I am. What makes me tick.  To be intrigued and enamored by me. That felt so lovely.  So I work with desire, and I work with patience.

We talked in the sangha this morning of desire and how it is the attachment to that desire which is the problem.  It is the craving, the clinging, around desire that creates suffering.

I had been working with my own cravings during meditation.  After the 30 minutes sitting Beth, the teacher, announced the topic for today would be Desire. Perfect I thought. I love the interconnectedness of all things.  Buddhism is psychology and philosophy.  It touches on the human condition at so many levels. It helps us look at our own thoughts and feelings attached to them.

I raised my hand to say that Desire is two-sided.  On one hand it feels good, while at the same time it creates discomfort.  So back to one of the tenants of the practice…find the Middle Way.  Settle into that sweet spot in the middle, for desire is a natural and normal part of being.  Beth had good advice for working with desire.  She said notice when you feel the craving and clinging that is often associated.  Notice the transition that brings on those side effects. Notice the transition when the clinging subsides.  And how you feel when there is no desire, no wanting, no clinging, no craving. Basically notice.  Be aware.

Greed can also play a role. In unskillful desire one may think attainment of the desired will lead to happiness.  Sometimes attainment of what is desired just leaves one wanting more.  Then more.  An insatiable appetite is present.  So with this mindset there will always be craving.  There will always be suffering.  Never satisfaction.  Never Nirvana.

I want to work towards skillful desire.  This will take some internal dialogue, soul searching, action, and as always, writing.  I know I get a certain pleasure through my desire.  I know it has been primarily unskillful as there is also so much suffering.  So much wanting.  So much attempting to control, and most of this goes on inside my mind.  Is this a form of torture?  I think so.

Beth said, “What is the transition into craving?”  For me the answer is -certain songs, or types of music.  I know this but I go ahead and listen to the music.  I intentionally let myself drop back into that place.  To stir those old feelings up again.  To stir up new desires for the same old thing.  Maybe because they are familiar?  Maybe because I get some pleasure out of it?  There is need for more investigation.

So I will choose a renewed path, putting the focus more on myself, like before, and less on others and things outside of myself.  While not denying feelings and thoughts that arise.  I am making a commitment to not latching on so tightly to those feelings and thoughts.  But to notice them.  To say hello.  To treat them with compassion and let them have their say before moving on.  And to have immense gratitude for all that has come before, for the beauty and the pain, and the lessons they have provided.  To let go.  Over and over and over again.  And acknowledge how difficult that is for me.  And how ultimately love, peace, and happiness are what matter the most to me.  I will make a commitment to having patience with myself on my journey, and to coming back to the remembering that things will work out in wonderful and mysterious ways.  Some things just take a little more time.

Namaste

In the practice of letting go, I am sending this one out with very little editing.  Would love to hear your personal experience working with desire. This can also be a format for a discussion on desire.

Copyright Suzanne Norton 2015