Turbulence is instability, unsteadiness or disorder.

yourdictionary.com

Turbulence -state or condition of confusion, movement, or agitation; disorder

thefreedictionary.com

Today I turned in the final rough draft paperwork.  My lawyer is a very cool lady.  We talked, we laughed.  She told me we should be able to file for divorce next week.  A weight was lifted.  Just a little over a month to go before things are final.  A few hours later I received news that really shook me up.  I recently heard Terry Gross, on Fresh Air, say that when one really good thing happens an equally bad thing happens.  She was talking with a comedian about his new show and the fact that he was going through a divorce at the same time.  Remembering this observation seemed to comfort me.  Maybe it’s one of the Universal laws of nature.  The yin/yang of it all.

I am trying to allow myself to feel the feelings, while also telling myself that I don’t have to let life’s events jerk me around.  When the turbulence begins I can be the calm in the eye of the storm.  A steady.  I don’t have to be pulled in all kinds of directions, if I am grounded.

I felt very grounded as I taught my Qigong class this morning. Such a centering practice.  As I look over this post so many “I”s jump out at me.  I am ready (there’s another one :  )  )  to get out of my head, out of being so self centered.  But it has seemed necessary over this past year, to take that time for me.  To get to know myself, and work on healing.  The attention was long overdue.  I am once again in a place of financial strain.  Still trying to find out where I fit in in the big picture.  I really feel called to be the student right now.  To turn off the “you should” be earning more money, etc. voice.  And let intuition, inner knowing, lead the way.  It’s very hard to have so much trust in the process.  It is so not the American way.

There is also extreme turbulence in the art of  raising teenage boys as a single mom.  My next quest is to find the support of others living a similar existence.   As a family who doesn’t go to church, or have extended family close by, we are lacking in a formal support community.  Something that is very much needed.  I will make more of an effort to help our sangha grow into that type of entity, as of right now it’s not very family oriented.

I’m feeling sad, overwhelmed, lonely, and a little incompetent.  But I’m committed to not sliding back into the victimstance space that I sunk into early in my separation.  At my core, I am strong.  Tough.  Loved.  Above ground.  And have a lot to be thankful for.

I know now I don’t have to rush to solve anything.  I don’t have to put out a fire.  I have time.  I don’t have to figure it out by myself. Remaining calm will not mean that nothing will get done. Remaining calm will allow the openness needed to see clearly and progress towards solving the problems that exist.  Wanting things to be other than they are only causes more suffering.  This may be the most difficult one to hang with, as I do wish for a life of ease. But I am committed to not going down with the ship.

On my refrigerator the quote is still posted:

In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity.

Albert Einstein

My mantra for the moment:  Keep the faith.  It will be okay.  The opportunity will reveal itself in due time.  Just hang in there.

P.S.  If you have been here, done that, please leave me a comment of wisdom and support for the accompanying feelings that go along with divorce, difficult times, and/or single parenting.