Road trips are fun. Lets do that again sometime. Having a car in chch was fun. Thanks Lauren! And thanks Tom for sundae. Mm chocolate. Catching up with people was fun. Wedding was the funnest I have ever been to in my life! I got to blow bubbles, how much better could it get?! being flowergirl was fun. So cool. Yayness. I have bruises on my arms, thanks Naomi. *misses you!*

wedding made the paper. Beyond cool!!!! and when Nina got married, the earth shook. Tehe. They liked their wedding present too bahahaha.

 

Quake was scary, double water bed in the story right above me, couldnt hide under my bunk cos there was glass falling breaking there, but hid under the top bunk. house is fine. two glass ornaments fell and didnt break, two fell and did lol.

Soo lucky(/blessed seeing as i dont believe in luck) it wasnt in daytime, ppl at work etc, would have been hundreds killed.

Bahaha aftershocks are fun. 

Next check box… not writing here! Tehe.

 

Back to real life now?! Lectures?!! What is this??! lol.

 

trust me, i’m not who you think,

i think i’m worse, but i won’t let me sink.

Bitter day, will you carve me some clay?

my tormentor said she’d come to play

Havoc with my mind, but you’ll find

i’m still undefined.

 

 

-sink or swim?

thanks, but i’ll live in the Light.

 

 

Jars of Clay lyrics – “He”.

Don’t try to reach me, I’m already dead
The pain when it grips me, for things that I’ve done

Well I try to make you proud, but for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
the Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

Chorus:

Fearful tears are running down
The pain you’ve laid don’t speak a sound
Don’t take my heart away from me
And they think I fell down, again

Daddy, don’t you love me?
Then why do you hit me?
Momma don’t you love me
Then why do you hurt me?
Well I try to make you proud, but for crying out loud
Just give me a chance to hide away
the Exhaustion takes over, will this someday be over?

[Chorus]

A teardrop falls from up in the heavens
Drowning the sorrow of angels on high
For the least of the helpless, the hopeless, the loveless
Your Jesus, His children, He holds in His eyes

He loves you
He sees you
He knows you
protects you
He needs you
He holds you

 

 

HE LOVES YOU.

 

 

wont show you im trying. you wont believe me. God knows. thats all that matters. given up trying to make you happy. then why do i still bleed? just leave me be. i’ll try for me, i’ll try for them, i can change. i wont come home. its not my home anymore. NO. this is mine, here, for now. i’m not letting go of it. i’m more stubborn than you, my teeth and claws are sharper than yours.

NO!

it’s either here or Auckland. not christchurch. not in that house. not this summer. there must be some escape… please. no.

need helps again lol.

Friends? (5/1/09)

I was blind to the fade, it was gradually gone
That gold connection once was strong
It seemed so long that time stood still
I thought that it would bend to will
So slow, the tie began to rust -
I knew that we were none but dust.
Strangers now we are, and yet
Try as I might, I can’t forget
I won’t pretend I do not care
About the distance to cross that dare.

About the distance to cross that dare,
I won’t pretend I do not care.
Try as I might, I can’t forget;
Strangers now we are, and yet
I knew that we were none but dust
So slow the tie began to rust,
I thought that it would bend to will -
It seemed so long that time stood still.
That gold connection once was strong,
I was blind to the fade, it was gradually gone.



Flights Of Fancy

Through her smile are windows sad,
Turned softly down and silence clad
One dark clear eye her ocean fills,
And gently awed she turns to still.
Logic faded, ceased its call,
Swiftly she’d begun to fall
For words and time and playful looks,
For masquerades of wit-sharp hooks –
I know to you, it’s just a game
But read her now, she’s not the same.

But read her, now she’s not the same;
I know, to you it’s just a game.
For masquerades of wit-sharp hooks,
For words and time and playful looks,
Swiftly she’d begun to fall -
Logic faded, ceased its call.
And gently awed, she turns to still,
One dark, clear eye her ocean fills -
Turned softly down and silence clad,
Through her smile are windows sad.

 

ALONE
I am alone in the
darkness
Can you hear me now?
Are you the same
Or are you different somehow
Can You reach me?

Can I be sure that you won’t hurt me
If I let you in?
Are you the same
Or are you different somehow
Can I trust you?
If I gave you my
heart
If I gave you my soul
Would you take me apart
Would you make me whole?
CHORUS:
Do you know my name
When the tears fall are you there to feel the pain
Can you reach me here
Can you give me what I’m looking for
Can you take away the fear
Can I trust you?

They say that you
could come and meet me
Are you really there
Are you the same or are you different somehow
Can you love me?

If I gave you my
heart
If I gave you my soul
Would you take me apart
Would you make me whole?

OPEN
V1
See you waiting through my window pane
Anticipating all my fears again
Been so long since I unlocked the door
Painful memories I cannot ignore
Where do I begin
Can I let you in

CH
Open up the door
Step inside the hall
And welcome to the place that I call home
I’ve been scared to show
Let anybody know,
What’s been going on inside for oh so long

V2
Standing in my living room you see
Deep into the very heart of me
Sacrifice my fear to have you close
This is where I know I need you most
Where do I begin
It’s time to let you in

BR
And now you’re here,
And I know it’s all I needed
And I’d like you to stay
It’s a brand new day

INTO THE LIGHT
So she ran to hide
She ran deep inside herself
Built a wall around her
That no one could get by

(V2)
The loneliness consumed her
She could not let them near
The thought of trusting anyone
Filled her head with fear
Behind the bars that held her
She made a silent prayer
Is anybody out there
Does anybody care?

(CH)
You can come into the light
And leave the darkness in the night
With each step He’ll break the chains
And set you free and heal the pain
You will learn to trust the hand
That leads you to the promised land
There are some who watch you grow
Who really care, who want to know

(V3)
It’s painful to remember
Things you’ve tried to leave behind
To believe it could be different
When the past was so unkind
And it’s hard to learn to trust
When hurt is all you’ve ever known
But believe me when I say that
You don’t have to walk alone

quotes from Anna Karenina:
“No, I shall not give in to that again! Let me be bad, but at any rate not false, not a humbug! It would not have happened if I were not bad. So let me be what I am, but not pretend.
“I can’t live except by my own heart, but you live by principles. I have loved you quite simply, but you, I expect, only in order to save me, to teach me.”

She did not renounce all she had learnt, but realized that she had deceived herself when thinking that she could be what she wished to be. It was as if she had recovered consciousness; she felt the difficulty of remaining without hypocrisy or boastfulness on the level to which she had wished to rise. 

Let me never even give off a hint of that false love, that I’m-doing-this-to-get-brownie-points-not-because-i-actually-care. i know a few who have admitted to buying into the “i have to do this to get brownie points” mentality. My challenge is this: why do you do good? to gain favour with humans? humans’ favour is meaningless. to gain favour with God? you can’t, He already loves you.

a servant heart is difficult to grow without falling into the brownie-points system. but it’s not that difficult to pause and check your motives.

another pet peeve – “and he was saved!” …people being “saved” isn’t the point, it isnt even our job, that’s God’s job. our job is to make Disciples. and that’s far harder. it’s one thing to become a ‘Christian’, it’s quite another to stay one. the journey is long and difficult.

“Teardrop on the fire, fearless on my breath”

 

“i’ve got it back now that it’s march.”

“i forgot to mention you are beautiful, how you give it all and you take it back”

  “i was angry with my friend, i told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe, i told it not, my wrath did grow. and I watered it with fears.”

my latest poem – please rate, better or worse than the previous two?

We All Fall Down
What’s for real and who is true?
Velvet eyes still shred me blue,
my trust has yet to find a place
on earth to settle, not to waste.
Take or leave, do what you will;
I’m mine to give, there’s time to kill
I know now all that’s good must end
with something new around the bend
I’ll never learn how not to care,
and incompletely share this tear-
In words, perhaps, in lightened sounds
to euphamize the choking nouns.

 

 

 

 

fave song for the day:

Don’t know what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, “You’ll be all right. What’s on your mind?”
But the water’s shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I’m sure back home they’d love to see it
But they don’t know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it

Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I’m not too sure
Cause sometimes I miss knowing someone’s there for me and feeling free
Free to stand beside the ocean in moonlight
And light myself a smoke beneath the dark Atlantic sky

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I’m sure back home they’d love to see it
But they don’t know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line
Tearing lives apart and breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time
And the eyes get red in the back of your head, this place will make you blind
Put it all behind me and I’ll be just fine

Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky
Sometimes I wish that it would rain here
And wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes
There’s nothing real for them to see here

Another starry night in Californ-i-a
I’m sure back home they’d love to see it
But they don’t know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

you have to tell me which of these two poems is better and why.

Surface
Tension (10 Jan)

Underneath
a sea of dreams
Weave a wave of seething gleams
Pleading through the
guilty eyes,
Burning in the midnight pyres.
Masks are habits formed
from years
Of smiling over hidden tears;
Huddled fearful when alone,

Company makes the act her throne,
A masquerade that no one guesses

Hide the clues that she confesses
Lead a life both wild and reckless,

Logicless and stubbornly senseless.

Acting

I
built a dam today
Where many have been built with clay
And sticks and
stones,
To hold my bones
As fast and firm as sun-baked mud.
Though
pain built up within my blood,
My face would mirror the sun,

Until it set, and then did run
My fragile whitewashed walls.

Unnoticed they began their fall,
Pent-up tears now broken loose –
In
darkness no one saw their hues.
They hissed in anger, writhed in
pain,
Tossing back a jagged mane,
Pounded down a drowning soul;
The
bitter chaos takes its toll,
To let all go and dive in deep,
Then
settle, churning, into sleep.
Tomorrow i’ll build my dam again,
Carve
lying smiles on its’ plane.

but  i have to share it somewhere. 
I went to a gay party last night, brought a drunk girl home at 4am, she slept in my bed, i made
her do the walk of shame at 10am, i made it on time to church at 10:30am
with my new flatmate. XD
it makes such a good story!
“Politicians  use the truth to tell lies. Poets use lies to tell the truth.”
…does this make me a good politician?? i really hope not.

“Sunday all of my demons rest.”

wonder when night church starts. went to the first Student Life thing of the year tonight. was cool to see people i hadnt in awhile 🙂 tis nice to be remembered. me like. sometimes i dont realize how much i’ve missed someone until i see them.

its strange to think how much i’ve changed. a little more in some ways, a little less in others. hmm. i’ll get there in the End. “The race is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself.”

so nice and warm today. maybe Dunedin weather’s not so bad after all. dancing tomorrow on concrete! yay 🙂 …gotta do course approval first. drop marine minor.. real annoyed about that. sigh. oh well… sure i’ll live. fun times. also must find a job. also must find a home for a semi-tame stray. hmmmm.
maybe i’ll start charging for my paintings… sorta like the idea of working from home… hardly earn me much but hey. *shrugs*
paint. write. dance. ohh, i want a truck license. class 5 is it? then i can drive one of those big huuge things and tell people i’m compensating. 

darn, shoulda just given unimpressed look, said “small.”, and turned around again. tehe poor girl was in shock.

another unrelated topic, this world is small.