“all you really need to know is where you belong.”

“i don’t belong here.”

“I’m feeling stressed yeah i got no paid work to do… i been having bad dreams i been thinkin bitter things… this is one thing i must own, it’s a bed of my own making this i know, i got something on my mind it just takes a little time; i want thirty seconds with you. i don’t need a lot of time, and i’m thinking i’ll be just fine – if i get thirty seconds with you.”

“I was hoping that maybe it’s been long enough,” she began. “I wanted – I’d like very much to be friends.”
Malfoy hesitated. “Maybe,” he said. “You might decide you don’t want to be. I’m not very nice.”
Katie made a little face, as if she was pleased but confused. “Well – I’d like to try.”
“All right, then,” Malfoy said, and chucked a file at her head. Katie only barely managed to catch it and not sustain a concussion. “Go file that in the archives, Bell,” he said cheerfully, returning to his stack. “Do try not to lose this one, sometimes I think archives are secretly run by a flock of rather unintelligent ducks. They don’t hand out awards at the ceremonies for incompetence, you know.”
“Er,” said Katie.
Malfoy lifted his eyebrows at her with an extremely pureblood expression. “Sometime today would be ideal, Bell,” he told her coolly, and then grinned. “I told you I wasn’t very nice.”
“Well,” Katie said, still looking shocked but smiling faintly back. “All right. I’ll go file this away.”

“I’m no angel, i’m not even nice – but i won’t be cold as ice.”

belonging and home. dunedin is. christchurch? comfortableness. with myself with others. with some people sometimes i has it, but there’s not many i can speak completely freely with. withdraw back into my shell… “hole time”, she’d call it. is it worth chasing? but is it worth not chasing, and losing by drifting default anyway? but maybe, just maybe, if i don’t chase a friendship… there’s always a chance that they’ll reach out to me instead. it all depends on the other person, and there’s no predicting with that. “i just don’t know what to do, and i don’t want to lose you.” no one knows what i’ll get out of it if i chase any more than if i don’t chase. if i don’t, i guess i find out if i’m easy to forget. 

it’s weird coming back as opposed to going to a completely new place… never certain where i fit. if i fit anymore. if i ever did. is it worth trying to be one? “you know that i’d do anything for you.”

edit: today has been a lot lot better. nice to have people i feel free to relax with, no stress or worry about anything, it doesn’t matter, and if it does i trust you to love me anyway. “if you can’t relax with your friends, who can you relax with?” nice just to have someone to curl up against and half sleep. i guess it’s just time that does it. time and trust and mutual love. 

 

“i won’t be going home, i’m supposed to be right here… i’m visiting this winter sun, i don’t need much from anyone. though i only got one week, i never read no book or learned to speak the language of my fellow man… doesn’t take much more to keep me here, to remove all doubt, to remove the fear, i think that i might just belong right here… mellowed out the day before, watched the sunset slept at four, i’m so glad we disappeared, from just three hours south away from here.”

 

tired, but this time it’s a happy tired. i will be okay.

*will be the death of me.*

 

what’s with me and just somehow walking myself into the most awkward situation possible?  “i’ve got to run a little faster, or a miniature disaster…” random panic flee mode right now, but that won’t solve me being… well. y’know. me.  

going crazy here.

am i forgiven? for what it’s worth, i am sorry.

i can change. that’s my point. 

headache. adrenalin starting to wear off leaving me dead tired.

 

this song is good right now

 

KT Tunstall – Miniature Disasters

I don’t want to be second best 
Don’t want to stand in line 
Don’t want to fall behind 
Don’t want to get caught out 
Don’t want to do without 
And the lesson I must learn 
Is that I’ve got to wait my turn 

Looks like I got to be hot and cold 
I got to be taught and told 
Got to be good as gold 
But perfectly honestly
I think it would be good for me 
Coz it’s a hindrance to my health 
I’m a stranger to myself 

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes 
Bring me to my knees 
Well I must be my own master 
Or a miniature disaster will be 
It will be the death of me 

I don’t have to raise my voice 
Don’t have to be underhand 
Just got to understand 
That it’s gonna be up and down 
It’s gonna be lost and found 
And I can’t take to the sky 
Before I like it on the ground 

And i need to be patient 
And i need to be brave 
Need to discover 
How i need to behave 
And I’ll find out the answers 
When i know what to ask 
But i speak a different language 
And everybody’s speaking too fast 

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes 
Bring me to my knees 

Well I must be my own master 
I’ve got to run a little faster 
I need to know I’ll last, if a little 
Miniature disaster hits me – 
It could be the death of me 

it’s… strange. i have two extremes: ‘completely over-the-top shameless’ (which is the only state most people see), and ‘so ashamed of myself my stomach goes sick and i want to hide in a corner under a blanket and not look at anyone’.

it’s difficult to get the middle ground. and of course people only see me when i’m acting shameless, because when i’m not in that frame of mind, i’m hiding from people because i’m ashamed of myself. hot or cold, on or off, i don’t often feel things by halves. “I feel like a monster, waoh, put on your brake lights”

been scaring myself a lot lately. gotta tone it down. think before you act. quit with the attention seeking – bad behaviour! heh. the worst part is, when i’m in shameless mode i don’t take note of what others say/think/feel, i mean, anything they say just doesn’t sink in, so, i can act quite inconsiderate; unintentionally, thoughtlessly, only looking back that i realize, but still. need a safeword for me almost. surrealness much… I’m not Me.  probably i also just need to come back down to earth. figure out what’s important and what i really want from life, then start acting like i actually want it, like, work towards a goal type mentality. focus and a goal is what i need. instead of just flitting all over the place, never putting real roots down. i’m back to being lost. no, not being – feeling. i feel lost. 
Friends. friends are important. i don’t want to lose any. that is one thing i am certain of, one thing i am most afraid of. so. i should take care. quit with the paranoia – i tend to go from extreme to extreme with that too – but just, sortof, be mindful.

 

so tired, but too many thoughts buzzing round. “I’m not a hopeless case.”

is it enough?

hot or cold, everything or nothing, i don’t do lukewarm very well.

“I am a rock, i am an island.” nah, Turtle. Shells.

hmmm well now i know. i wonder who else does?

 

 

cant get to sleep. work early tomoro. sigh.

stomach feels weird.

hey, that hasn’t happened in awhile! …meh, makes sense.

 

i should also probably stop doing things to deliberately try to creep people out, when i’m happy i tend to forget that sometimes it works. oops.

darn, was it “cute in a creepy kind of way” or “creepy in a cute kind of way”? i cant even remember who said it of me.

 

withdraw, maybe, but “i won’t give in, i won’t back down”

 

i can’t figure out if i’m being sensible or being a coward. probably neither.  Sorry.

 

*snicker* life. LOL.

 

“can’t we just all be friends?”

it makes as much sense as “and the love kick-starts again” kinda cool what the placement of a dash can do.

well they been rattling round my head for aages so thought i’d post them… they good songs, i like dancing to them. smile. dancing. i’ve missed you.

 

You want me to come over I got an excuse
Might be holding your hand, but im holding it loose
Go to talk then we choke its like our necks in a noose
Avoid the obvious we should be facing the truth

Start to think it could be fizzling out
Kinda shocked because I never really had any doubts
Look into your eyes imagine life with out ya

And the love kick starts again
Starts again

And the Love kick starts again
Starts again

Its the same old you the same old me
You get bored and I get cold feet
Get high get wandering eyes
Forget ive never ever had it so sweet
I realise what I got when Im out of town
Cause deep down youre my girl in a golden crown
My princess and I dont wanna let you down
No I Dont wanna let you down down down down
courtesy OriginaLyric.Info
You want me to come over I got an excuse
Might be holding your hand but im holding it loose
Go to talk then we choke its like our necks in a noose
Avoid the obvious we should be facing the truth

Start to think it could be fizzling out
Kinda shocked because I never really had any doubts
Look into your eyes imagine life with out ya

kick starts again

Start to think it could be fizzling out
Kinda shocked because I never really had any doubts
Look into your eyes imagine life with out ya
Imagine life with out ya
Imagine life with out ya
Imagine life with out ya

And the love kick starts again
Starts again

And the love kick starts again
Starts again

kick kick starts

Its the same old you the same old me
You get bored and I get cold feet
Get high get wandering eyes
Forget ive never ever had it so sweet
I realise what I got when Im out of town
Cause deep down youre my girl in a golden crown
My princess and I dont wanna let you down

kick kick starts

Start to think it could be fizzling out
Kinda shocked because I never really had any doubts
Look into your eyes imagine life with out ya

And the love kick starts again

(Example, Kickstarts)

 

 

I saw you talking on the phone,
And know that you were not alone.
But you stealing my heart away,
Yeah you’re stealing my heart away.

You’re acting like you’re on your own,
But I saw you standing with a girl (hmmm)
Stop tryin’ to steal my heart away
Stop tryin’ to steal my heart away

I don’t know where we going
I don’t know who we are

I can feel your heartbeat
I can feel your heartbeat (he said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (running through me)
Feel your heartbeat
(She said:)

I can feel your heartbeat (she said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (she said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (running through me)
Your heartbeat, feel your heartbeat

Maybe it’s the way you move,
You got me dreaming like a fool.
That I could steal your heart away,
I could steal your heart away.

No matter what it is you think
I’m not the kind of girl to blink,
And give my heart away
Stop trying to steal my heart away

I don’t know where we going
I don’t know who we are

I can feel your heartbeat (he said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (he said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (running through me)
Your heartbeat
Feel your heartbeat
(She said:)

I can feel your heartbeat (she said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (she said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (running through me)
(Feel your heartbeat)

Stop stealing my heartaway
Stop stealing my heartaway
Stop stealing my heartaway
You’re stealing my heartaway

I don’t know where we’re going
I don’t know who we are
It feels like we are flowing
High above the stars (stars, the stars, the stars, the stars…)

Ooooooo;
Ooooooo

Heartbeat, heart-heartbeat

I can feel it, I can feel it, I can feel it
I can feel it, I can f..

I can feel your heartbeat (he said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (he said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (running through me)
Your heartbeat
Feel your heartbeat
(She said:)

I can feel your heartbeat (she said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (she said to me)
I can feel your heartbeat (running through me)
(Your heartbeat, feel your heartbeat-beat-beat)

Stop stealing my heartaway (Just tell it to me girl)
Stop stealing my heartaway (Ooo) (Give it to me boy)
Stop stealing my heartaway (Just say it to me girl)
You’re stealing my heartaway

Stop stealing my heartaway (I can feel your heartbeat)
Stop stealing my heartaway (I can feel your heartbeat)
Stop stealing my heartaway (I can feel your heartbeat)
Your heartbeat, your heartbeat. 

(Enrique, Heartbeat)

seems i come back to this song every time i move… seems particularly apt now, as i’ve been questioning the concept of “home” and whether i have one for the past few months.

 

“I don’t want to leave here 
I don’t want to stay 
It feels like pinching to me either way 

The place I was wasn’t perfect 
But I had found a way to live 
It wasn’t milk or honey 
But then neither is this

But the places that used to fit me 
Cannot hold the things I”ve learned 
And those roads closed off to me 
While my back was turned”

i miss you so. seems like it’s been forever that you’ve been gone…

 

please come back home.

 

 

not my words but they are true, so i thought i’d copy to share with you.

“The journey home becomes especially difficult towards the end it seems. You are so tired, so worn out, hurting and bleeding from all the walking and climbing and crawling and falling and getting up again and going on. You are battered and bruised and aching, hungry and thirsty and in that condition it is easy to mistake a mirage on the horison for reality. It is easy to believe it’s real because it sounds real and looks real and seems real because you so very much want it to be real. The closer you get to your destination, the more magnificent the mirages seem to get and the bigger the gut wrenching disappointment when you get there and find there is nothing but sand and cold, hard rock.

Human beings can however be extremely resilient. Some of us have learned to use the challenges and the pain and suffering they cause to grow spiritually and as people. We can get up again, grow a new heart and learn to trust again because we know that somewhere, at some time, it will be time to go home … to finally relax in the kind of love we have waited for our entire lives and to finally be able to love the way we have always wanted to love. The longer the journey, the more stupid it seems to want to give up after you have come such a long way. So, we take the lessons learned, try to forgive and forget and we bravely move on, but deep inside there is yet another scar that will take months or maybe years to heal, making it even more difficult to trust again. And you always wonder if he really knows and understands what he did to you, mind, body, heart and soul.”

 

i like the use of the word ‘home’ there… it resonates with me because by my definition of home, i don’t have one. 

define the moment, or let it define you… it all depends on your point of view.

 

also, to quote Casting Crowns – “i’ll take a shack on a rock over a castle in the sand.” out of context and only vaguely related, but you get the point. i like reality. and i was brought up with nice cold hard unchangeable truth. “Born and bred in a briar patch, Brer Fox.” 
and nice shiny happy fits of rage, but thats way off topic lol. 

 

hmm. yess, we all want to be loved. problem is, we want it in different ways, have different definitions of it.

 

“its not hard to say, ‘love isnt easy’ then walk away. i want you to know, i love you forever- every single day.” -The Lads

 

firstly, im pretty sure i’d be able to do most of these moves with some practice. i can already do a Snake mostly, just need to work on staying on my feet. me like! very cool. and niiice musicality. of course.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuiAcE-_khU&feature=related

 

 

and secondly, HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS EXISTED?!!!! must… find… all the rest of her songs!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6Gz_6cCFFw&feature=related

lyricsss…

Pliable

This carnival sometimes
Has sinister intentions
Only a intervention
Can save me now

You have to have balls nowadays
Not to give in to temptation
These regular revelations from you
Show me how

[Chorus]
I’m workin to be pliable
Take me in your hands and mould me
I am yours
That’s undeniable
But I am weak so take me in 
And hold me

All these worldly things 
That I can’t even touch
Everyone else is grabbin them
And enjoyin them so much

To resist them 
Takes more than my might
So through your strength
Oh heal me tonight

I’m workin to be pliable
Take me in your hands and mould me
I am yours
That’s undeniable
But I am weak so take me in 
And hold me

[Music]

I’m workin to be pliable
Take me in your hands and mould me
I am yours
That’s undeniable
But I am weak so take me in 
But I am weak so take me in
And hold me 

 

 

aand… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q00ENuCVpCk&feature=related

Day Is Dimming :
The day is dimming and I’m yearning for you
I won’t be satisfied till I see your face
Every victory, every loss
Every ticket, every cross
You can put them all in place

It seems I’m finding more of why
In these moments
I feel like I’m made to sing of how good you are
The more the years swell by and pass
Each seconds more than last
It’s true by far

That no profound thought or clever rhyme
No soaring grand, melodic line
No theory, philosophy or sign
Can explain it
Can explain

Where you are, I wanna be
It’s your love that has changed me
I’d give the world, and all it’s charms
For a moment in your arms
Better is one day with you
Than a thousand elsewhere *
A thousand elsewhere….

I still remember what it felt like before you
I’m grateful every day for how things have changed
I’ll thank you every way I can
‘Cos my life only began
When I heard you call my name

Now, no praise of man
No great acclaim
No humble looking kind of fane
No power, wealth or worldly gain
Could satisfy me
Could every satisfy

[‘Cos] Where you are, I wanna be
It’s your grace that has raised me
I’d give my whole life to honour you
And whom I live
And whom I move [?]
Better is one day with you
Than a thousand elsewhere 

Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Better is one day in your courts
Than anywhere else oh
Lead me, lead me
Lead me to your self [?]
Lead me to your heart

Where you are, I wanna be
It’s your love that has changed me
I’d give my life, to honour you
And whom I live 
And whom I move [?]
Better is one day with you
Than a thousand elsewhere
A thousand elsewhere….

Lead me to your self [?]
Lead me to your heart
I’ll be found in you
I’ll be found in you
Here is peace
Here is joy
Here is light [life?]
Here is freedom, freedom 

 

 

 

oooh and NEW SONGS!!! SQUEE!! 

cutest song ever!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5C-YHSy3Fw

 

Do do do do do do do do do do

I wear a demeanor made of bright pretty things
What she wears, what she wears, what she wears
Birds singing on my shoulder in harmony it seems
How they sing, how they sing, how they sing

Give me nights of solitude, red wine just a glass or two, reclined in a hammock on a balmy evening
Il pretend that it’s no thing that’s skipping my heart when I think
Of you thinking of me babe I’m crazy over you

Aaah Aaah Aaah
there’s something in the water, something in the water
Aaah Aaah Aaah
There’s something in the water, that makes me love you like –

I’ve got halo’s made of summer, rhythms made of spring
What she wears, what she wears, what she wears
I got crowns of words a woven each one a song to sing
Oh I sing, oh I sing, oh I sing

Give me long days in the sun, preludes to the nights to come preludes of the mornings laying in all lazy give me something fun to do like a life of loving you
Kiss me quick now baby I’m still crazy over you

Aaah Aaah Aaah
there’s something in the water, something in the water
Aaah Aaah Aaah
there’s something in the water that makes me love you like I do

Oooh oooh oooh (x3)

Give me nights of solitude, red wine just a glass or two, give me something fun to do

Aaah Aaah Aaah
there’s something in the water, something in the water
Aaah Aaah Aaah
there’s something in the water that makes me love you like I do

Aaah Aaah Aaah
there’s something in the water, something in the water
Aaah Aaah Aaah
there’s something in the water that makes me love you like I –

Do do do do do do do

 

 

and i think this one’s new tooo…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WONNbS3_hz0&feature=related

 

I’ve got a mind to take you away

To some white sand and a palm tree parade

I’ve got a mind to take you away

I’ve got a mind to go

I’ve got a smile that’s only for you

Exchanged in secret, the way lovers do

I’ve got a smile that’s only for you

Baby, I’ve got a smile

Morning sneaks up on us

Shines on our sheets

Waking me into my favourite dream

My best imagining never imply

That you’d be the darling that ended my night

uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm

I have got the will to love you always

through the chilliest winter

the hot summer haze

I have got the will to love you always

I have got the will to love

 

Honey, I know it won’t always be sweet

Loving a person is not a small feat

Don’t give up on me and I won’t on you

Pack your bags baby ’cause I’m taking you

uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm uhm

 

 

aaand new artist i like, thanks to http://cutycool.over-blog.com/ for inadvertently introducing me to Sara Groves.

inspirational. Rwanda again. like wow.

“i saw what i saw” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdP6PqsbJY

lyrics:

I saw what I saw and I can’t forget it 
I heard what I heard and I can’t go back 
I know what I know and I can’t deny it 

Something on the road
Cut me to the soul 

Your pain has changed me 
Your dream inspires 
Your face a memory 
Your hope a fire 
Your courage asks me what I’m afraid of 
And what I know of love 

We’ve done what we’ve done and we can’t erase it 
We are what we are and it’s more than enough 
We have what we have but it’s no substitution 

Your pain has changed me 
Your dream inspires 
Your face a memory 
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I’m made of
And what I know of love

Something on the road
Cut me to the soul 

I say what I say with no hesitation 
I have what I have and I’m giving it up 
I do what I do with deep conviction 

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me 
Ooohhh…
Your dreams inspire 
Ooohhh…
Your face a memory 
Ooohhh…
Your hope a fire
Ooohhh…

Your pain has changed me 
Your dream inspires 
Your face a memory 
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I am afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of
Your courage asks me what I am afraid of
And what I know of God,
And what I know of God.

and, to fill the cute/sweet quota, Fly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRQr_X-cG4Y&feature=related

Speak in a summer tone 
Pause in the after glow 
Tenderly whisper my name 
Tell me once again why I am your bride 
So I can fly 
So I can fly 

Pause in your busy day 
Look extra long my way 
Wink at me across the room 
Kiss me longer 
Touch my arm when I am by your side 
So I can fly 
So I can fly 

Oh how the little things 
Strengthen my tiny wings 
Help me to take on the world 
When you love me there’s nothing I wouldn’t try 
I might even fly 
I might even fly 
I might even fly

 

and this is… well, almost made me cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me-eSbQzlg0

 

Love Is Still A Worthy Cause

Have you listed all the times you’ve tried 
Do you call on all your alibis 
When somebody asks the question why are you hiding 

did you feel the pull, did you hear the call 
did you take a chance and lose it all 
do you fear there’s no collateral left for trying 

Friend, I know your heart is raw 
But love is still a worthy cause 
Picking up and pressing on 
Oh, love is still a worthy cause 
Like the touch that starts the thaw 
Oh, love is still a worthy cause 
or the word that breaks the pause 
Love

in the midst of passing bravery 
in the face of our own injury 
It’s the constant generosity of grace 

It’s the beauty in the tales we tell 
It’s the pressing on and ending well 
and the joy that comes when we give ourselves away 

Friend, I know your heart is raw 
But love is such a worthy cause 
Picking up and pressing on 
Oh, love is still a worthy cause 
Like the touch that starts the thaw 
Oh, love is still a worthy cause 
or the word that breaks the pause 
Love 

I love because he loved me 
when I had nothing 
I love because you loved me 
when I had nothing 
I love because you loved me 
when I had nothing

Seattle, WCS. why am i looking up times, days, locations? my parents prob wont let me go. if they wouldnt let me dance in aussie, why should they in SEATTLE?! …*whimpers* West Coast Swing!!! with probably really GOOD WCSers too… *miss* i want i want i want! cough, sorry, spoilt brat alert. i suppose i should just be grateful they taking me to my cousin’s wedding though, heh, it is a long way to go… still think they insane for offering me to come, for not much more than a week…

but, but, how could i go all that way and NOT dance??! and all the places i’ll be going so close to, too.. passing through LA. and my sister’s in Denver! and SO close to Vancouver… where will Miles and Tessa be then, i wonder?  …what about Jordan and Tatiana? …what about…

no, dont torture yourself any more! stoppit!

 

http://seattlewcswing.org/

http://dcdancenet.com/index_msie7.shtml  

*headdesk* masochist.

mrowl!!!!

 

…and then i feel bad, cos dancing shouldnt come before friends. *sigh*