“who am i, that i should company with something so divine?”

communicate, hun. it’s key.

talking instead of writing=good for fuffle.

falling slowly, eyes that know me, and i *cant* react.

 love is a verb, love is a doing word, fearless on my breath.

Agape.

“truth is, everybody gonna hurt you. you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

and that marks the first day i haven’t wanted to cry just from being in chch. my home will be okay.

time heals. time with people heals faster.

❤

see, i’m good at putting emotion on hold to deal with later. so good that sometimes i dont realize i’m doing it. quakes in themselves, the shaking, doesnt bother me (sorta surprised me when a few of my friends up and left cos they couldnt deal with quakes/aftershocks). seeing my city brought to its knees shatters me. watching the news. i didn’t go to the memorial yesterday because i don’t particularly like crying in public, but this morning i took a couple hours just to go through old news articles, youtube vids, articles about Japan, and just take the time to grieve over it all, cos thats something i haven’t done. even though every day since the quake just being in chch and thinking about it makes me want to cry, i’ve been too busy looking after friends, working, sorting out life, volunteering handing out toilets/shovelling silt. i’m a practical person. i’ll go volunteer with farmers army soon as i’ve written this… i just decided it was about time to take some time to process.

 want to dedicate this song to the USAR people, and also to the people in Japan risking their lives to try and save or recover all they can. what’s happening over there also breaks my heart, not just because i know people there, but because what they are going through is so much worse.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R26mJv2zZhI

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out
Never knowing you weren’t going to be coming down alive
But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing, only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go, the life that you know, just to bring it down alive
And you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

(Again today, we take into our hearts and minds those who perished on this site one year ago, and also those who came to toil in the rubble to bring order out of chaos, to help us make sense of our despair)

Wanna hold my wife when I get home
Wanna tell the kids they’ll never know how much I love to see them smile
Wanna make a change or two right now
Wanna live a life like you somehow
Wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day

(The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here)

also, this makes me smile. it doesn’t show very often, but i love my country and i am fiercely, quietly proud of her.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/christchurch-earthquake/what-you-need-to-know/4786594/Final-tour-of-duty-for-Farmy-Army

in other news: growing up and stronger is a crap theory.  i tend to get more issues and more insecurities the more life i live. 

“if you can rise above all my demons, if you can carry all my scars…”

“don’t you forget about me; i’ll be alone, dancing, you know it.”

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s hand

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

good to know you’re still being ironic.

“same old story, not much to say…”

still on edge a bit. i know all mine are safe. i’m just taking care to get along with everyone right now, try not to leave on bad terms etc.  at least i sleep through aftershocks? 

“Remember,
spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent. Remember, to say, “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”

“it is Fear, o little hunter, it is Fear.”

*headdesk* told you it was all about communication. when will you learn?

it *has* changed. told you. one day i’ll learn. what now though? let go and drift away?  see, i’m no good at being half anything. either there or not. but what happened, why…

you need to start remembering good happenings. and stop beating yourself up.

y’know what’s really funny? going through old emails. it’s kindof hilarious.  though sometimes it makes me sad for what i’ve lost as well.
“see, this is why i hate change. it changes things.” 

hmmm.

“there’s distance in the air, and i cannot make it leave…” i hate losing touch. how do i get back to being friends? and i’m not talking about just you, i’m talking about everyone. here. there. across the water. but “the only way to have a friend is to be a friend.”  i do what i can. i take what i’m given. thats all you can do, really. don’t expect anything from anyone, just because you would give it doesnt mean other people would… people are different, have different priorities, wants, needs. it doesn’t mean they care or appreciate you any less.

i am worth being talked to. (and so are you, ma’am.)

easy test. who misses you? who doesn’t? how do they react when they see you again? i couldnt tell in America, cos online and in person was just… different.

actually i guess i’ve stopped talking a bit here… writing works, sortof. also not many people to talk to.

christchurch is home, yes. but… right now has no close good friends in it. normally there would be up to three, but they’re gone for awhile, and in dunners normally there’d be over double that.

that question’s still bothering me a little, just because i dont know the answer. i know i’m not happy with being by myself… but maybe i wouldnt be internally happy even if people were here. i like a quiet house… i dont know. and maybe i just need a good cry, or some way of letting it all out.

“..what are you waitin for? take a bite…” “cos just one night couldn’t be so wrong…” “my world’s on fire, how bout yours?” “Red, i feel my soul on fire” “Red gold and green; every day is like survival” “…i’m gonna make it,” “hold on, it gets better than you know.” “i’m coming home, and my kingdom awaits, they’ve forgiven my mistakes.”

singing at work yesterday with the random beside me was fun. even though my voice is
“crooked cracked and wrong, i don’t know how they get along, me, i just internalize.”

thats about it then. have a short poem i like but didnt write.. gotta have it saved somewhere, right?

The Way We Were
“Once upon a time, when we were friends, 
I gave you my heart, the story ends.” 

i love you and miss you all, no matter the distance between us. take care.

❤

i’m pretty sure it’s only just started to sink in for me. the past couple of days, every time i watch the news/read the paper, i want to cry. in grief for my people, my city, those that have lost so much; those that lost everything, those that gave their lives to save others… and i’ve never been able to summon up any emotion for people i don’t know before, countries you see on tv hit by hurricanes, tsunamis… but this is different, these are *my* people, this is *my* city, i know of at least three people that have died. it’s my *home*, and i didn’t realize it would effect me so much. i haven’t done anything to help today, so i’ve been feeling a bit down… sometimes i just need to *do* something. i know i need a job and i need to work and if i don’t take this job, i don’t know when the next will come up… but somehow, going out to dig the streets, or whatever is needed, seems more important than a paid job right now. i think half my pay for the next couple weeks is going straight to Red Cross.  it’s just a weird transition between ‘life revolving round earthquake damage’ and ‘life that seems normal’… while there’s so many people in my city living in third-world conditions. it’s heartbreaking, especially after last year’s quake and to have to go through something much worse.

and at the same time, it brings tears to my eyes to see everyone doing all they can. all the little handpainted signs out saying “stay strong, Canterbury” …”free water” wherever someone has a well of water that’s safe …”slow down” painted on bits of cardboard, by the locals, where there’s holes in the road that Citycare, Fulton Hogan etc just havent got the time or roadcones to mark yet. all the farmers bringing tractors into the city to help clear silt. all the factories and farms and local businesses giving away food. and, of course, what always makes me smile; the volunteer army of over a thousand students. it’s just what we do here, we all pitch in. it’s funny, how non-patriotic us Kiwis are usually, but when something like this happens… we look after our own, we take care of each other. “in the bonds of love we meet”, lol. i’ll never forget this feeling of togetherness, of one-ness. En Familj; Vi är en, and i am immensely proud to be able to say i’m part of this amazing city, these amazing people. we’ve got each other, we’ll be okay. we are “Struck down, but not destroyed.” and there are no words to describe how grateful i am that my friends and family are alive.

i wonder how long ‘see ya’ will be replaced with ‘stay safe’ for. heh, if i die i can’t remember who i promised my laptop to, but we’ve just decided that Naomi gets my bed and Chloe gets my violin.

i love you all; stay safe.

Feb 23. 2011. My Home. My People.

there’s so much. What do you do?

This time was way scarier than the 7.1 quake – I rolled over and went back to sleep after that one. But this time I was thinking (after the initial God-please-dont-let-roof-fall-on-us), hangon, it’s midday there’s ppl in town, I remember I underestimated the damage from the 7.1, there’s gonna be casualties this time. I guessed slightly over six but closer to chch, and had no joy about getting that right. It freaked me out watching the news come in, and not being able to get hold of my friends… some of who I knew worked in town. Everyone figured that a quake would hit the old buildings in town the worst, but no one expected a shallow quake so close to home. And this place was just starting to feel like home again… just yesterday I walked back into campus and had the random “i’m home!” excitement. It freaked me out not hearing from anyone at uni… just held on to the hope that they couldnt text back. The first text I got was from my mum soon as it stopped shaking, so I didnt worry about her, and I figured dad would be okay – his work was fine after the first quake… called him anyway just to check in, though I know quakes dont bother him emotionally. Some people find them scary, others exciting. Me, it depends how big the quake is.

I think I managed to stay calm pretty well throughout the quake, had an Ella panicking, she doesnt like quakes lol the clawmarks in my shoulder can attest to that. My thought process went something like ‘ok this is a big one, get under bed… okay, cant get under bed, and Ella wont let me move anyway, i’ll just stay here and pray the roof doesnt collapse’ lol. Then I got worried about my friends at uni and Nina who works 7 floors up in town, when a few hours later I finally got a text back from her I let go and had a meltdown. I may have cried on Ella’s shoulder in relief just a bit :P. We worked well together, she had a meltdown on me then calmed down in time for me to have a meltdown on her lol. *so* glad all my people are okay.

Gonna go help out at one of the welfare centres today.. feels better than sitting doing nothing. I did like being able to run down to my old school (just down the road from Ella’s) to burn some adrenalin and check things were still okay there and check for Schink that her mum was safe, that made me feel better.

24/02 Love Poured Out

it’s the most indescribable feeling, knowing that the whole city, the whole country, is coming together, taking care of each other. I almost felt guilty for thoroughly enjoying volunteering yesterday, it was kinda fun, and also just amazing in this way that almost makes me cry, to see all the people who come in with baking, water, one of the KFC managers opened up just to donate crates of KFC to the welfare centre, people opening up their homes to anyone who needs shelter, donating tents… It’s, beautiful is the closest word to it. i’ve never felt so proud of my city, or so.. like you’re part of something good. And it’s just nice to know I have good friends, I mean, right now i’m at a friend’s out in Rolleston because aftershocks aren’t felt this far out, people in Dunedin offering their beds up for anyone wanting to get away, and I have friends all over the *world* praying for us. Its kinda touching.

I guess i’m just incredibly grateful that i’m so lucky. My family is alive and safe, I have amazing friends who are still alive, and I have an incredibly resilliant city full of people that will do all they can for people they’ve never even met before. i love you, Christchurch.

as long as we are alive, life goes on.

“so there you go, you’re gone for good.”

“what you say, mm that you only meant well? well, of course you did. mm what you say, that it’s all for the best? of course it is. mm what you say, that it’s just what we need? you decided this. mm what you say, what did she say… ransom notes keep falling out your mouth, lip sweet-talk newspaper word cutouts, speak no feeling – no, i don’t believe you, you don’t care a bit.”

“I’m just a puppet that you can employ, but i know better than you… so Leon, Leon, I need somebody just to lean on, lean on, but dont expect me to jump and follow you…”

“just a boy on a string. but you don’t really mind, you’re just wasting time…”

“lean on me”

“it’s not hard to say, “love isn’t easy”, then walk away. i want you to know, i love you forever, every single day.”

okay enough with the random song lyrics; here’s something i wrote in the car on the way back from Dunedin. stopped driving to scribble thoughts and this is what came out…

four years is a long time. heh, that’s only my second time crying for the loss of a *place*. i love you, Dunedin.

tip: crying while driving is not a good idea. can’t see properly, and ruins the concentration.

“we all leave and let go, there is nothing to hold us; all your sorrow, maybe tomorrow, will fade away in the end”

so i’ve left Dunedin. my heart hurts.

it’s not a bitter goodbye though, like it has been for the last few ppl i’ve cried to leave. it’s sad, but not bitter, not even bittersweet, which is a good difference.

‘i get attached too easily’ – so think four years’ worth of attachment, even if i usually attach to people not place… those were some of the best days of my life. i don’t believe in endings, not really, but my days as a student are over. and i miss everyone. i’m moving on, but i can’t let go. i don’t want to; i don’t want to forget.

i’ve got a dream diary somewhere, but for my own reasons i wanted to record this here; a dream i had a few weeks ago. 

We were on a beach, huge waves rolling in to lap at my feet, and i was happy running along the sand. then i was walking with a friend up a path away from the sea; this path had obstacles, like a hole in a wall we had to climb through, that slowed me down but didn’t seem to effect her. I fell behind, and soon lost sight of her. as i was running along the path, trying to catch up, i came to a fork in the road, with people standing talking. i asked them if they had seen her, and they told me which way she went, but also that she’d already got there and i was too late. i thanked them and ran as fast as i could down the path they’d pointed to. then i was standing at the gates of Heaven being asked questions that i shall not relate here. Over the fence i could see people running round laughing playing basketball, watching a huge tv screen, and all sorts of strange sentient creatures, one of which i’m pretty sure looked like a butterfly big enough to ride. The lady questioning me also measured my height and asked me where i thought i came up to on the scale… i couldn’t figure out whether lower was better or worse, so put somewhere in the middle. She had a box with my name on it, and the box had clean white slates in it. i remember wishing i could just take a slate and go back to the beach. my last memory of the dream was me looking down at the flowers she’d given me, pulling a face, and thinking “but that’s no fun.” then i woke – i guess even my subconscious mind couldn’t figure out whether or not i got in, so it just woke me up instead lol. 

“there’s still time to change the road you’re on… oh, and it makes me wonder…”

it’s not too late for me, i guess.

http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=640

i was a good girl today. i gave myself chocolate when i got home as a reward… no one else would have noticed.