words or pictures? pictures of words? pictures represent. words describe, name. i suppose that’s the main difference. words are as easily distorted as pictures, though, so i disagree with the main point. i dont think… i mean, some things must be experienced to be understood. and some things are too big for words to describe, to name. “you’ll see it when you believe it.” “how can i show you, till you’ve been where i have?” it’s the difference between tasting something, and having a taste described to you. words fail. pictures fail. 66 books would still not make you comprehend, nothing can *make* you understand. not till you decide to become. “to understand is to become.” and perhaps, then, to become is to understand.

representations… what of creation? it sings, and i sing with it… i suppose some would be tempted to sing *to* it. an important distinction to make, i will agree. 

don’t revere the thing itself, but the One it’s trying to tell you about. 

or not run, just drift. but that’s even worse. indifference i can’t fight. fear i can.
you can’t *make* anyone care.

 

“i care for nobody, no not I… if nobody cares for me.”

if only.

“if i were a boy, i think i could understand…”

what are you waiting for? i’m right here. always. 

“you don’t understand…” 

 

“you’re here!”
“….” (you care?? …oh.) 

you’ll never do what i expect, will you?

well. apart from that.  heh, and that. sigh. *shakes head*

 

“so let go, let go, just get in, well what you waiting for? it’s alright; there’s beauty in the breakdown.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe4Ic7fHWf8&ob=av2e

wow. first time i’ve danced like that. favourite song now 🙂 completely connected to the music, completely connected to the other person. just wow. nice.
i can lead musicality 🙂 

heh. spend a year trying to work myself into a clique, make friends. meet a couple of new people and within a day we decide we’re friends. 
sometimes people just click.
working yourself in does work too, though. it worked for Them, im still included in the old gang, even if it takes me a while to get used to… being Lails/Dolphin again. i cant explain it. i notice that i’m more background too, that’s my role there. so different. i’ve changed. i wonder…
smile. i remeber that. and writing poems that go with gifts. i’m glad it was kept.
it’s nice to be remebmered.

i always was an eccentric child.

so exhausted.  

it feels like i’m running out of it.

 

Malfoy and i had a convo aages ago about intrinsic happiness vs. surface/superficial happy. i haven’t been intrinsically happy in a very long time. i can’t remember how long. 

it’s getting to me again. i have only 3 friends here. one of them leaving. the new people i’ve made friends with through this year i’ve lost again. i think i have a connection, and then they disappear. no texts back. no facebook msgs back. no reason to hang out. and i know that all i need to do is make new friends, is talk to more people, be friendly… but that requires acting happy, and i’m running out of energy to keep pretending. i’m not naturally an extrovert. and when i’m already down, it takes so much out of me. i can hardly find the energy to visit people i’m already friends with, let alone people i have to put effort into. and risk.

i’m sorry. i didn’t want to be a downer. that’s how i’m starting to feel that i am. i needed that cry, i felt better after it, but i would have felt even better if i’d let myself cry on someone. i’m trying not to be clingy, that’s all. i don’t know if that’s a thing i’m allowed to be, right now. am i allowed to ask for attention? i shouldn’t need it. but maybe i do, and it’s a thing i am allowed to ask for, because humans are social animals, we do actually need love.

what makes me feel better. dancing. horses. sleep. sugar. showers. and hugs. but the last one i should leave out, cos it’s not something i can go and do. it’s something that happens when i’m lucky, and i don’t gamble. 

 

 

if you left me, my world would fall apart. if i left you… yes, you would notice i’d disappeared.  but you don’t *need* me as much as i need you. (hey, it’s an improvement on the “you wouldn’t even notice” that i feel about most people.) or maybe you do, i just refuse to believe it right now… disbelief, my main defense mechanism. that and denial.

“Is He safe?” “No! But He’s good.” He loves you. that’s *One* that you believe. you should learn how to believe some other people, too. usually i do. it scares me that i don’t right now. like i can’t believe what i know.

“this is the one thing that i know…”

horses. escapism? it’s just nice being out there. 

i’m being irrational again too, but feelings aren’t rational. 

 

i know that how i feel about myself should not rely on what other people think of me. my self-worth should not depend on what i think  others think i am worth. it’s not fair on you, for me to depend on you that much. 

i don’t know how to be happy just in me. not right now, anyway. just for now.

i would miss you a lot more than you would miss me. that applies to everyone right now, just because i have so few people. three here i can count on to care. to be there. to cry on. to not let me drift away. i have fewer people than usual right now, which means they mean more to me than usual.

 

 

 

my family and i are getting along a lot better. it doesn’t make me much happier.

 

 

i’m getting fragile again. the slightest compliment from the right person can make me fly (but it’s still superficial happy). the slightest negative compliment from anyone can make me crash. 

 

Turtle. shell’s brittle.

high hopes. low expectations. one day i’ll learn.

 

“You might think I’m losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics…
’cause I don’t want you to know where I am
’cause then you’ll see my heart
In the saddest state it’s ever been…”

“dunno whether or not, how sad i just got, is of my own volition or if i’m just missing the sun.”

“i’m a little more than useless.”

maybe i just need sleep. maybe it’s just the endorphins draining away, leaving me empty. maybe i just need to cut down on doing too much. time out. 

sometimes when i am dropping i will have to deal with myself by myself. and that’s just something i have to do. and i know i can do that. i am capable of taking care of myself. even if i don’t think i am.

“sometimes we just have to do our best, and bear the pain of that alone.”

and sometimes we don’t have to bear it alone, but we’re just too cowardly, or too uncertain of ourselves, or just don’t want to be a bother, to ask. even though i know you’d do anything for me, like i’d do anything for you.

i need to learn how to just talk. *before* the glass shatters.

 

“If you can rise above all my demons, if you can carry all my scars… if you can make a whole from these pieces, you’ve got me.”

want to cry.      not what you were expecting? i’m not who you think. “you’ll never believe…” i’ve lost you in that sense, too.
high hopes. low expectations. one day i’ll get there, girl.

So. when i think about *you*, i feel sad. when i think about you, i want to rip your spleen out and shove it down your throat. it’s okay. well, it’s not, but what i’m saying is, it’ll go away eventually.  when i think about you, i feel… surprisingly little. is patience a feeling? one day i’ll get to you. when i think about -you-, i want to laugh. or at least smirk. when i think about ‘You’, (tehe!) i feel safe. and when i think about you, i smile. 

we’ll leave it with you. just as well the only ppl that read this are the ones that make me smile, eh?

that’s all for now, love.

Home.

somewhere i have friends.

somewhere i get hugs.

somewhere i feel comfortable.

somewhere i *belong*.

today most of last night’s people leave chch, but it won’t be long till the next comp. 
I’M SO PROUD OF YOU HEHEE SEE YOU IN ADV B!!! lol in 6 months i’m so screwed!! 
knew i wouldnt get anywhere in dwas, not with the people i was up against!! but me and Ella got through to BOTS and it all went so well! and it’s just really nice seeing all my friends again. and seeing how good everyone’s gotten!!!!!!!

so happy. well done you all!!!

kay, dropping now. happy got good dances with good people.

 

new thing to add to my list of moments-to-live-for:

getting up into a Scarf perfectly. and the crowd’s reaction. 

 

that was a good competition. thanks to all those that put all the effort into organising it – wow. just wow. and thanks to all the out-of-towners not put off by earthquake damaged city!!! so muchly appreciated. it’s always good to have new people.

LOVE.

“what if i bleed? what if i break? and i find that i can’t take…”

still d/c. everyone’s at uni, i’m at work. there’s actually not that much time.

is this really my life now? i like everything apart from not having close friends. and time. you have so much time as a student. how come i didn’t realize this?

can you feel me distancing you? or does it not make a difference to your life?

you dont really want to know how i feel and why. does that mean you don’t care? you’re happy believing a lie that you know to be a lie.

sometimes i’ll let you hurt me. sometimes i… can’t. i wish i could explain why this time i can’t. 

i’m not allowed to tell. this much i will say: love and like and trust are so very different things.

everyone wants the forbidden.

Rebel.

Curious.

doesn’t matter, end result’s the same.

you’ve changed your tune.

la…. la, la la la la la, la, la la la la la.

you’d rather be lied to than know complicated brain-and-heart hurting truth? i’ll never understand that.

if people are so simple, how come you don’t get the simplest things about me?

trust. i won’t give that to you. sorry.

i wish i could. it would kill me. 

if saying no is good for me to learn, then why do i feel so bad?

bottling is bad, i can’t do it much longer.

we need to talk, i suppose. give you another chance. you’ve had how many now?

bitter, bitter irony. i’ve bottled all the sweet out of it, but at least it’s only harming me, not you, or anyone else.

good feelin’s gone.

 

“if i gave you my heart, if i gave you my soul, would you take me apart? or would you make me whole? can you reach me here? can you give me what i’m looking for, can you take away the fear? can i trust you?“

“What I see others going on and on about, trying to make something like this work, it just is.

I think that might be why. We weren’t looking for it. I don’t believe in looking for love. I think you just find it, where you do. Just be a good person, and keep your feet on the ground. If you have to try, maybe that’s the problem? :)”

then males would actually think of using that word. like, it would actually occur to them that they could, it would help if they did, use it. also, humans would not be *so*. *incredibly*. *stupid*.

that’s unfair though, because most males do. just not recently.

“you ache to fix me.” and i saw that and it redeemed her, i think, because then i knew, and i was familiar with the helpless feeling too. what did he say, “we all want to feel special”? important. cared about. 

 

http://www.sandraandwoo.com/2009/10/08/0101-too-high-a-price/

 

on another note… your choice. 

things tend to matter more when you can’t say them. it doesn’t hurt anymore, though. Time. when i think about it it still tastes bitter sometimes, but it doesn’t burn.

“you spurn my natural emotions… but if i start a commotion, i run the risk of losing you, and that’s worse.”

 

“i’ll find strength in pain, i’ll know my name as it’s called again”
my name was Dolphin. and the thing about dolphins is, they always smile. always. no matter what. 

“i wish my life hadn’t become a blog post that you don’t want to read. when for so long; you were the first person i told.”

 

 

life is strange right now, nothing is stable… and yet, i smile when i think about you. (no, not you! the most recent one, silly.)

 

*soft smile* three days. 

 

confidence is all you need…

XD!!

 

i like it when my parents go away.

m trying.

here, have bits of thought from my diary the past few days…

i learn slowly. but i do learn.

 

“you’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to roll em, know when to walk away, know when to run.”

 

the change is kinda confusing, i better not get used to it.
…maybe i’ll just always be to afraid to believe. “i know”, maybe, but not believe. it’s safer, that way. disbelief, as a defense mechanism.

i found a quote “Beauty embraces us in our sorrows.” maybe thats why i like sunrises, and why i find it harder to hold on and smile (or easier to let go and cry) when i’m watching one, or on the hills, or by the sea, or… you get the point. a beautiful kind of lonely. 

it’s a lot better than the last time i was in this situation.  “all my fears have come to me in dreams…” but not in reality, yet. dreams are weird. “i been having bad dreams, i been thinkin bitter things so early in the morning, when the dream feels real it’s so hard it seems to shake it off, a song might help me”  “all a human wants is attention.”

lol. it’s… different. nice. i’m not used to being looked after, actually feeling cared about.

maybe i can believe.

 

 

 

all these people i know, that dont believe in forever… it breaks my heart. “forever is a long time, would you really want to spend it with me? You would have waited there forever, just to tell me that you’d never leave.”

“its not hard to say, “love isnt easy” then walk away. i want you to know, i love you forever, every single day.”

 

 

 

Jars Of Clay, “Worlds Apart”

…To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you – take my world apart
To need you – I am on my knees
To love you – take my world apart
To need you – broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can’t deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my worlds apart 

 

Newsboys “Where you belong”

When you’re dull from all that glitters,
when your thoughts have a hollow ring,
when you can’t escape from the feeling
you’re getting it wrong…

All your foolproof plans seem foolish,
all your status is status quo,
all your really need to know
is where you belong.

[Chorus]
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in his wonderful face,
And the things of earth
will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace.

I was used to the cold for so long
that I couldn’t feel anything,
And I shivered and stared like a beggar
who won’t lift his hands.
I was numb until he touched me,
I was deaf until he heard,
I was senseless ’til I met the one
who understands.