cant cry by myself anymore, but can cry on, well, anyone who hugs me at the right moment, i suspect. needed that. was fine after it.

new people are fun but it drains me, trying. im not used to it anymore. need to just relax.

rundown.

also, you get to huggy-stage within two days, then never see them again. my mind is not okay with this.

i wasnt expecting that. 

why do i miss people i’ve just met? how do you miss what you never had? i would have liked to get to know them better… make friends. sometimes it’s so easy. sometimes it’s impossible. and then sometimes i get scared and try too hard, that never works.

 

 

 

but i got hugs today! from everyone! from people i didnt expect! and may be able to go to someones house to practice dancing! and i was missed! i was missed, by people whose names i dont even know!

i will be okay. see, there are these people. they don’t hate me!

 

twas hilarious. mention Dr Who. all the boys in front of us turn around and go deeeeeeeerrpp. then get nervous about butting into our convo. shrugs, go from that to Big Bang Theory. then to something i cant remember, then to MLPFIM. guy in front turns around and with this almost heartbroken expression says “why are you talking about ALL the awesome things!!!!” 
i dont think they got it that we meant it when we said they were welcome to join in too.

these people are cool.

“i like her! you should keep her!”
uhhh… yes??
lol. just, lol.

 

“have you been doing that again?!” LOL.

it’s nice not to be hated.

 

it’s nice being able to joke around.

 

could be home. Yes. Home. my people.

 

i am content.

 

and y’know what? screw any and all of you that dont think i’m a Christian.
Today i praise God for:
friends.
acceptance.
hugs.
pretty shiny things.
people to run with.
people safe to cry on.

“cause what i get from my reflection, isnt what i thought i’d see”

 (June3)

a random girl said to me once, “and you really don’t mind? if i were you i’d be wanting to kill things by now.”

i’ve realized recently that its not that i can forgive easily. it just takes a lot to make me hurt enough to be angry. and when that happens… i really really struggle with letting go.

i’d like to learn how though. i want to. its just hard.

so much easier to not let myself  be hurt/angry that much.

 

 

 

edit jun 24: i finally forgave. went up this weekend. danced. was happytired. talked. laughed. hugged. was okay. we danced to my song. was good. havnet laughed so much dancing in ages. best dance in a long time. like. made peace. demons have been turfed out. “i still wish you the best.”

if i’m running away from you, i’m waiting to see if you think i’m worth chasing.
if i’ve backed off, i’m waiting to see if you’ll miss me.
if i’m being obnoxiously annoying, i’m testing to see how much of me you can take.

yeah, i test my friends a lot. that way, i know i’m worth it to them. and that makes them worth it, for me.
see, i’d die for you. i’d “fight for you, and burn the sky at night for you.” but if you can’t put up with me being, well, – to a certain extent – me, i mean if i know i can’t relax around you, then maybe that’s not worth it. 

sometimes, when you give up on someone, it’s not because you don’t care anymore, but because you realize they don’t.

 

 

“like i’m something worth holding onto…”

“Seasons Of Love”
“The seasons have changed, and so have we”
“time may change me, but i can’t change time” 
“there was a time… it all went wrong.”
“and if you would only listen, you might just realize what you’re missin’….”
“and what hurts the most, is being so close… and having so much to say, and seeing you walk away”
“Speak no feeling, no i don’t believe you. you don’t care a bit.” 

 

 

 

gonna be very, very up- and- down from here.

rollercoaster.

 

“bittersweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong…”

 

 

http://questionablecontent.net./view.php?comic=1110

cant sleep. cant eat.

“sit down, it’s just a talk.”

i’m deliberately losing a friend.

well. depending how you define ‘friend’.

it’s not like that.

I’M not like that.

the thing is, this has the potential for breaking me more than i’ve ever yet been…    heart. mind. and soul.

i’m terrified, and already broken at the thought.

hello, grown-up Kitty. you should come out more often. maybe i’d get used to you.

it’s not brave. it’s just, stretched to breaking point.

break it completely, or heal it. your choice.

my trust, once fully gone, is almost impossible to get back.

in truth? i don’t think you want it enough to fight for it.

i guess it might be goodbye after all.

 

i hope it’s not bitter. i promised, it doesn’t have to be a bitter end.

but sometimes, people make it so.
but please… never let it be me, that makes it bitter. 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=016Lk_5uCUo

brittle. break. 

 

“you’ll never find the words, darlin, believe me…”

 

protect? you? me? both?

 

i won’t become that… 

 

cant say i wasnt expecting that.

 

heart hurts.

 

 

heh. not long ago it was “i feel like i could wrestle a bear or something!”

 

it is fear, o little hunter, it is Fear.

 

i said “Out, Kitty.” instead of “Down, Kitty.” today. i’ve never said that before.

 

“the longer you think, the less you know what to do…”

http://lackadaisycats.com/comic.php?comicid=59
how’s that for low expectations?
some people feel the need to be loved. to be understood. i’m okay without that, as long as i’m accepted. (take me as i am, or not at all.) but it makes me a little sad that the best he’s ever got is tolerance. at the same time though, it’d be kinda nice if i could be happy with just that. the bare minimum.  “when you’re a dog, the smallest dry bone is heaven to you.” 

you’re worth more than just tolerance. you deserve to be accepted, to be loved, even if you’re not understood. “to understand is to become.” 

“try walking in my shoes. i bet you’ll fall over on the first step.”

 

i wonder if i’ll ever fully believe people love me.

song lyrics.

Stop me on the corner
I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go with it?
Don’t you blink you might miss it
See we got a right to just love it or leave it
You find it and keep it
Cause it ain’t every day you get the chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

I never seen it, but I found this love, I wanna feel it
You better believe, I’m gonna treat it
Better than anything I’ve ever had
Cause you’re so damn beautiful, read it
It’s signed and delivered, let’s seal it
we go together like peanuts and paydays and molly and reggae
And everybody needs to get a chance to say

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Everything is like a whiteout, cause we shicka-shicka shine down
Even when, when the light’s out but I can see you glow
Got my head up in the rafters, got me happy ever after
Never felt this way before, ain’t felt this way before

I swear you hit me like a vision
I, I, I wasn’t expecting
But who am I to tell fate where it’s supposed to go?

Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun
Oh, this is how it starts, lightning strikes the heart
It goes off like a gun, brighter than the sun
Oh, it could be the stars, falling from the sky
Shining how we want, brighter than the sun

Brighter than the sun
Brighter than the sun
Brighter than the sun

 

 

If you be my star
I’ll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I’ll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can’t even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

if you be my star
I’ll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by
stardust to remember you by

 

 

am i something worth holding onto?
“you can do better than me, but i can’t do better than you.”

 

 

I join the queue on your answerphone
And all i am – is holding breath
Just pick up i know you’re there
Can’t you hear – i’m not myself

Oh go ahead and lie to me
You could say anything
Small talk will be – just fine
Your voice is everything
We owe it to love
And it all depends on you

So listen up – this sun hasn’t set
I refuse to believe that it’s only me feeling
Just hear me out – i’m not over you yet
It’s love on the line can you handle it

So how do i do normal
The smile i fake – the permanent wave of
Cue cards and fix it kits
Can’t you tell – i’m not myself

I’m a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings – and fingerprints
I don’t – wanna feel – anything
But i do 
And it all comes back to you

So listen up – this sun hasn’t set
(I refuse to believe that it’s only me feeling)
Just hear me out – i’m not over you yet
(It’s love on the line can you handle it?)

So listen up
Look at me straight
Just hear me out
Don’t make me wait
I’m not myself
I can’t take this 
Love’s on the line
Is that your final answer

I join the queue on your answerphone
And all i am – is holding breath
Just pick up i know you’re there……

So listen up – this sun hasn’t set
(I refuse to believe that it’s only me feeling)
Just hear me out – i’m not over you yet
(It’s love on the line can you handle it?)

 

 

i’m learning. open-ness with emotions. cant show them, yet, but i can tell. why can’t we just telepathy? it would be so much easier.

my words fly away, dance through the dawn… i’d ask them to stay, but i’m just content to sit silent with you.

 

 

 

a good friend sent me this not long ago. it’s still true of a larger portion of me than some people believe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suK2j550PJE&feature=related

  

“damned if i do, and damned if i don’t…”

Time Would Fly

confusion and tears
for all of my fears
of black and of white
of darkness and light
are mingled in one,
who’s already won. 

 

 

“this could be para, para, paradise..”  …if you let it.

 

“what if I fall? What if I don’t? What if I never make it Home?
what if I bleed, what if I break, and I find that I can’t take…”  –Citadel.

finding love so hard to take… –Waihi.

anyone who can touch you can hurt you or heal you, anyone who can reach you can love you or leave you…. –i bruise easily.

You would have waited there forever, just to tell me that You’d never ever leave. –never leave.

And someday, love will find me, in the rough, some day love will finally be enough. –in the rough

 all that I need
And this make believe will get me through Another lonely night  –in my head

All I need and all I believe are worlds apart. –wolds apart

Am I too lost to be found? (evanescence)

Am I lost or just less found? on the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way? –C.S. Lewis Song

child, what will we leave behind? –seeds

But if I let myself go, i’m the only one to blame… –Sober

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gB7eAXa1Yss