there’s too much, yet not enough, to remember, to write, to think.

hiih, how’d she remember my name? very cool 🙂 me like friendly people.
and foot massages!!! very much appreciated. obviously havent been dancing enough. (or walking on stones and grass barefoot O_o) yay for blisters in weird places.
on a tangent, it is really about body language. even being quiet and smiling works. to some extent. speaking with body language, learning to read it, recognizing that people notice it subconsciously if not consciously. yeap. they’re right.

lol.
“Look, he finally found someone his height! …they look good dancing together.” -teacher fr Auckland, to a friend of mine, about me and Vanroe.
and he said i was good!!!! so did he, actually 😀 on principle i ignore when intermediates or beginners tell me, but if an advanced compliments my dancing im very happy 😀 so. i haz happy! lol.

settle back and wait for the lead, dont anticipate. connect earlier. keep connection btwn both right and left. concentrate on only my lats should be taught, dont completely tense everything. fluid. in control, but not frozen/locked. Heavier follow though, mine’s a bit light. my posture is good! (hah, mum! :D)
filled a whole page just with tips of basics i need to work on. at least i know some stuff i can practice when dancing with beginners. dont need advanced dancers to improve, but it does help, there are bad habits i’ve developed to compensate for bad leads. must let the guy spin me instead of pushing off.

lol! …”Relax, i’m not gonna grill you.”
weird how i started more nervous there than in any competition, in comps im usually just excited. lol. it was very very cool. i had fun. he had fun 🙂 i learnt a lot 😀 *is still on a high* amazing. we need people in dunedin who can teach technique. and i need a dance partner grr lol.
Ben noticed the difference from day 1 to day 2! and Sally noticed the change in footwork. wow, footwork in ceroc, none of my family would believe it lol. they’ve never seen good ceroc dancers though.

hmm, im still waay more comfortable asking for a dance than initiating conversation. huh, and i dint sign up for any of the social stuff but all of th dance stuff. lol psychology. the reason i didnt do market/centre of NZ stuff was actually cos it was morning, but i suppose if it’d been dancing i would have done it.

Wellington… soon. hopefully. Auckland? one day to aussie.

quotes, plus (in brackets) my thoughts on them, from Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy.
“Now, rightly or wrongly, Levin could not but remain. He had to find out what sort of a man it was that she loved. There are people who when they meet a rival, no matter in what, at once shut their eyes to everything good in him and see only the bad. There are others who on the contrary try to discern in a lucky rival the qualities which have enabled him to succeed, and with aching hearts seek only the good in him.”
(i think i’m always tempted to be the first option, but try to make myself be the second option.)

“perhaps it is because i am glad of what i get, and don’t grieve about what i haven’t.”
(this is a good philosophy. if only i could live by it. thanks anyway, Levin.)

every time they met, Kitty’s eyes said: “Who are you? What are you? Surely you are the delightful creature i imagine you to be? But for heaven’s sake’ – her look added – ‘do not think that i shall force myself on you. I simply admire you.”
“i too love you, and you are very, very sweet. i should love you still more if i had the time,” the stranger’s look replied.
(this is… i can relate to both. there’s people i look up to and want to know better and i try to be friendly, but i won’t take anything they’re not willing to give. from the other’s view, there’s people who think the world of me but i’m too busy living life to give them as much attention as i know they’d like.)

“you see a thing may be looked at tragically and turned into a torment, or looked at quite simply, and even gaily. perhaps you are inclined to take things too tragically.”
(you smile and look at the irony instead of the tragedy. it isnt easy, but it’s… a happier way of living. i’m not very good at it.)

he could not now tell where she ended and he began. He understood this by a tormenting sensation of cleavage which he experienced at that moment. for an instant he was offended, but immediately knew he could not be offended with her because she was himself. for a moment he felt like a man who, receiving a blow from behind, angrily and revengefully turns round to find his assailant and realizes that he has accidentally knocked himself, that there is no one to be angry with and that he must endure and try to still the pain.  his natural feelings prompted him to justify himself and prove that she was in the wrong; but to prove her in the wrong would mean irritating her still more, and widening the breach which was the cause of all the trouble. one impulse, an habitual one, drew him to shift the blame from himself and lay it upon her; but another, and more powerful one, drew him to smooth over the breach as quickly as possible and not allow it to widen.
like a man half asleep and oppressed with pain, he wanted to tear off the aching part and cast it from him, but found in waking that the aching part was – himself. all he could do was to try to soothe the ache and endure it, and this he did.
(its a good definition of love. you hurt someone you love, you hurt yourself as well. it hurts me to know that i hurt you.)

…these collisions were often caused by each not realizing what was important to the other…
(communication is key here. i keep telling people this. openness and honesty of emotions, thoughts, doubts, fears… don’t hide anything. it’s difficult to say things deliberately sometimes, but it’ll only get worse if you don’t.)

Your destiny is never tied to those who can walk away.

I’ve
been reading waay too much fanfiction. But I understand, I mean I
*get* her characters though. Or maybe they get me.

‘“ you’re
just not very good at letting go.” Which was a stupid thing to say,
because why were you supposed to be good at letting go of people you
cared about? Why didn’t people hang on as hard as they could, prove
they weren’t letting go, make the other person care? “I don’t
*want* to let go,” he snarled. “I don’t understand the concept.”’

You can’t *make*
someone care though. It has to be their choice. You can’t make
anyone love you because we all have free will, and it’s even more
impossible to make someone fall in love with you – all you can do
is offer your love and hope they give theirs back. If they don’t,
well, that’s their choice. And, if they gave it or seemed to give
it and then decided they shouldn’t have, couldn’t give it, well, if
some connection’s died, the most logical thing to do is let go of
it. There’s few things more pathetic than a mother cat dragging her
dead baby kitten around with her all the time. Its dead. Let go of
it.

“Let go of
longing after him. It hurts less, that way.” -Burrich, from Robin
Hobb.

“Don’t look back.” -Anakin Skywalker’s mum.

Also, define
‘care’. In the Agape sense of love, it’s wanting the best for
the other person. Eros wants the other person, and is all very well
as long as it doesn’t get in the way of Agape. And as long as it
doesn’t rule your life, there’s no sense in pining for something
you can’t have.
“Love
people more. Need them less.” – C.S. Lewis

i guess i still refuse to let go of friendships though. i can still stand by people, believe in them, do what i can for them. even if it’s from the background.

hmm. This is sorta related too. Another reason and way of letting go… or
just pressing on, looking forwards not back, just acknowledging hurt
but that it won’t stop you. I mean – its hard to explain. I can’t
always pretend to be happy, sometimes you need to cry. “we do not
grieve like those who have no hope. Yet we grieve with all our
might.” you can either be overwhelmed with sorrow or you can face
it, like facing into a strong wind, acknowledging that it hurts, but
also knowing you will go on. God-given strength is also useful.

“So was it all – the war and the
spying business – was it all about… that?”

“Certainly not,” Snape barked.

“Oh,” said Harry, who’d been
tentatively thinking that really was a bit romantic, after all.

“It may have started out like that,”
Snape admitted grudgingly, as if he ever did anything any other way. “But what is a feeling
worth if it shuts out all other feeling? Not living life as fully as I could would be an insult to-“ He
swallowed the name. “If a life is lived in memory of one feeling –
it would have made it a smaller life, and me a smaller person, not to
do other things with that life. I
fought the war for many reasons, Mr Potter, including the fact I have
felt both respect and affection for several
people. Never you, I might add.”

“2am
and i’m still awake writing this song, if i get it all down on paper
it’s no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to…
and i feel like i’m naked in front of the crowd, cos these words are
my diary screamin out loud, and i know that you’ll use them however
you want to…
you can tell he’s been down for awhile, but, dear
God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles…”

New years resolution: to not look back
and want my past back.

what? I’ve always failed to keep my new
years resolutions. I know that as soon as it becomes the new year
i’ll already have failed this one. That’s the whole point.

“January 1 I gotta lota things on my
mind” -Jars of Clay, I’m just a dead man

Even Angels Fall

Dies another year.

the next is near.

what’s there to
share?

no words compare.

You’d give your life
to live that dare,

I would never wish
to bear.

Alone I’ll cry,

so alone I’ll die,

standing on a
mountain top

is too far to fly
the bloodless drop.

I wish you could
see,

but you’ll never be
free,

pace behind your
tight shut eyes,

strangle in the
tangled wires,

I rage against your
recklessness,

grieving for your
bitterness.

The corners of my
mind

you seek and find,

I dont know how just
wanted why,

i’ll never want to
say goodbye

but I know it’s what
I need,

to bleed my soul and
pull up weeds.

This is just bits of thoughts etc from
since last time I blogged – I know its been awhile. Most recent
first.

Flying? Falling? Sinking? Floating?
…surreal. Rollercoaster.

I’ve learnt more this past 6 months
about people than in 2 yrs of psych courses in uni.

“but you won’t get to see the tears I
cry”

… but why would you want to??

It’s all about balance.

Openness, or the appearance of it?

Strength.

Hide…. why? From potential hurt?

Two types of open. Open as in friendly.
Freely me. Or open as in no secrets. Nothing about me hidden, i’m not
OCC but I don’t hide my emotions either.

People who sit in the corner and just
watch the party happening are sometimes more open than loud friendly
people. The happiness is a mask. The corner people, if you sit down
next to them and know what to ask them, are usually more open. The
people that hide behind books… I used to be one. Sometimes i’d be
open, if I was feeling insecure or feeling like a laugh i’d sit quiet
for a bit or dance around and talk in riddles for a bit, just to test
if they really cared enough to put effort into it. My happy mask is
because people like happy, fun people.

I need to remember not to corrupt the
innocent. Sorry flatties!!

mother told me over and over that
communication is the most important, but I only this year began to
realize the hows and whys of it. You can’t have any kind of
relationship without good communication.

“if i’d never loved I never would
have cried”- I am a Rock, Simon and Garfunkel

“and thus the burden of his song
forever was to be – I care for nobody, no not I, if nobody cares
for me.” -The Miller.

“There was a time… it all went
wrong…” -Fantine, Les Miserables

“Even though it all went wrong i’ll
stand before the Lord of Song” -Leonard Cohen, Hallelujah

“to his own master he stands or
falls. And He is able to make him stand.” -Romans something in the
Bible.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Because my teeth and claws are sharper
than yours.

Red red rage burns through my veins,

Makes me forget…

red red rage, why can’t it go away

it’s tearing apart

my blue blue heart

You never know how much something
matters to you, until it’s gone. It’s kindof scary, the things you
realize about yourself. It makes me wonder… how much, and what
exactly, will I regret? When my grandparents are gone? When I leave
Dunedin? When… but I don’t want to think about that, but I can’t
stop myself.

“i’m hunger. I’m thirst. Where I
bite, I hold till I die, and even after death they must cut out my
mouthful and bury it with me. I can lie a hundred nights on the ice
and not freeze. I can drink a river of blood and not burst.”
-werewolf, Prince Caspian.

“blood and tears, they were here
first.” -Imogen Heap.

“shut up, i’m trying to repress
here.” -Maya’s Draco.

“but i’m so *angry*!”
“you’re
a woman, you can hold onto it forever.” -the Simpsons.

You make me
laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that’s both I’ll have to buy
-Miley Cirus

“and it’s not so bad, it’s not so
bad.”

Thankyou. -Dido

“the light does its dance and then
slips away” -Edwin Derricut

“ask, and it shall be given to you.”
-Jesus.

Huh. Eclectic mix alright.

“i did my best, it wasn’t much; I
couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch, i’ve told the truth, I didn’t
come to fool you; and even though it all went wrong i’ll stand before
the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“and he was saved.”

why do they say it like it’s the end, like, mission
accomplished? It’s not mission accomplished. It’s the start of a
whole new mission. One that is often harder than the first mission.

“it’s harder to live for Christ than to die for
Him.”

I liked the end of Garden State bec even though it
was abrupt, it left it open, it made you realize that life’s not
happy ever after, it’s dealing with a bunch of crap.

Life. It’s one thing after another. She said He said
one step at a time.

Science tells you what and
how, but doesn’t tell you why, it doesn’t give a reason for life. And
how can you live with purpose without knowing why you exist?

it’s forever.

hold onto this. let go of that.

i’ve never completely let go of anything.

don’t be a doormat? why not? it’s what i’m used to.

don’t let me think, and i’ll be fine.

control your emotions, or they control you.

just because i don’t show you my feelings doesnt mean i don’t have any.

“what i get from my reflection isn’t what i thought i’d see”

Remedy – Little Boots.

i can see you stalking like a predator
i’ve been here before
Temptation calls like Adam to the apple
but i will not be caught
‘cos i read those velvet eyes
and all i see is lies

no more poison
killing my emotion
i will not be frozen
dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh
stop stop preying
‘cos i’m not playing
i’m not frozen
dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

move, why you watching me?
Dance with the enemy
i’ve got a remedy
oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you’re watching me
dance with the enemy
here is my remedy
oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

spin me faster like a kaleidoscope
all i’ve got’s the floor
yeah, you can try but i’ve found the antidote
music is the cure
so you can try to paralyze
but i know best this time

no more poison
killing my emotion
i will not be frozen
dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh
stop stop preying
‘cos i’m not playing
i’m not frozen
dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

move, why you watching me?
Dance with the enemy
i’ve got a remedy
oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Move while you’re watching me
dance with the enemy
here is my remedy
oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

and when the music fades away
i know i’ll be okay
contagious rhythm in my brain
let it play

no more poison

killing my emotion

i will not be frozen

dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

stop stop preying

‘cos i’m not playing

i’m not frozen

dancing is my remedy, remedy, oh

move, why you watching me?

Dance with the enemy

i’ve got a remedy

oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

Move while you’re watching me

dance with the enemy

here is my remedy

oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

we never stop learning.
i can’t see, and it scares me.
what you see tells more about your subconcious. what you look at tells what you’re doing about it.
i don’t like who i’ve become. and i can’t see what i am.
“and i can’t see the view from, the eyes You look at me from.”
“you have forgotten me.” – TLK
“just *think*, ok?” -M
sigh. you try, you fail, you beat yourself up, you try again, you fail… but always always pick yourself back up.
*bright grin* i’m too stubborn to give up.
change is… difficult, but not impossible.
remember, we’re given strength. use it.
EPIC FAIL
*flinch*
don’t waste time feeling bad about it. go work on change.
we all do what we can.
just try. not for anyone else but yourself – pleasing others doesn’t work; we gave up on that years ago. with some people, you just can’t win. she makes me feel bad about myself, but she’s right, and it’s cold hard Truth, and i like that.
bahahaha masochist.
nah. just… decide what’s right and stick to it. sometimes i need an eye-opener, i can’t… see clear.

to anyone who reads this and is confused – i’m just starting to realize how spoilt i actually act.

it’s not… “don’t blame the parents, they did the best they could”
maybe MT’s not right – i’m not lucky i’m cute. it’s… not good for me.
humans. we all want what isn’t good for us.

stand for something. or you’ll fall for anything.
“i have few principles, but i keep them!”

ha, i fail.

“if i listen to your lies would you say, i’m a man without conviction; i’m a man who doesn’t know how to sell a contradiction – you come and go, you come and go…” Karma Chameleon.

“so cut below the surface, try hard not to notice
that i could be so foolish, to think that i’m alright.”

sometimes i look at my life and its like, is it really me living that? cos it doesn’t seem very me-ish.
the years become more surreal as i go on.

“REMEMBER…”

“the One Thing that i know; He didn’t die for nothing.”

the thought sometimes makes me curl up in a little ball of wistful misery. and occasionally it makes me want to throw things at the wall in a destructive raging attention-seeking grief, because nothing’s fair, and humans are… *gah*.

i’m your biggest fan, i’ll follow you until you love me…

the thing is, i dont think any one of them realizes how much i miss them.

need-love doesnt make me feel good. well. unless it’s filled of course. lol.
and lets face it, it’s been so many times it has been; i should just be happy with my lot in life.

“everyone says, i’m gettin down too low. everyone says, i just gotta let it go.”

come back into my life; you meant a lot to me then and you still do now.

…and the days danced by…

though blossoms fade and friends must part,
old grow the songs we’ve sung…

said that time may change me, but i can’t change time.

i’d fight for it, and burn the sky at night for it…

all said and done, i stand alone; amongst remains of a life i should not own. Takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me.
this is the one thing, the ONE THING that i know;
He didn’t die for nothing.

meant as an interjection, not as a noun or adjective.

sigh.

no one’s perfect. but maybe on some level i agree. with the concept anyway, even if i still maintain that it takes effort. “love is sacrifice.” not some ‘happily ever after’. that doesn’t exist, not in real life.

maybe they’re not normal. but everyone has their ups and downs. i don’t know. i think it’s worth it.

all in favour say “aye.”

yes, i’ve changed. but i still view it as… sortof like amputation.

“i have few principles but i stick to them”?

well, simplify it down to one – Agape.

i hate to admit it, but mother’s right, i am sorta grateful to her making me continue. at least if or when i take violin back up it’ll be my choice.

it’s nice to know i’m not the only one. but in the long run, how much does it matter? not everyone can be the best at something.
“sometimes i mistake this for a universe that cares.” http://xkcd.com/625/

its strange… even now, whenever i make friends, i look back and think how did that even happen?? how can i do that again? it just… sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. humans are complicated.

yesterday the person in the mirror looked like a complete stranger. maybe i was just looking at her differently. maybe i don’t know her but i think i do. maybe i’m just deceiving myself.

http://xkcd.com/430/ there was something about an airport. i’m not sure if i want to remember; i’m not looking forward to it. i’d like to travel the world sometime. our time is short.
this one time…

“Sunday all of my demons rest.” wahey, it is a sunday.

life is normal today.

i like being picked up and swung in a circle
i like people visiting me from home
i like tips from good dancers
i like showing off
i like singing
i like  friendly people
i like being a “bridge”
i like lectures that finish early
i like sun!
i like staying up late
i like butterflies
i like midnight chats
i like  random texts
i like being me.