krismaez

Mom

My mom passed away...June 1. 2026 around 7pm....Dementia is the worst, and it took it's toll on her, but worse is t hat she was abused, and neglected at teh recent nursing home, yorkshire...infected bedsores were the demons that wrought her body, and she was taken too soon. i am struggling with this alot... I knew the passing was inevitable, but she suffered, AND she should have died in peace, with some dignity...my goal is to be her voice, my heart, head, and voice will be heard in volumes that no one can contain...So much to deal with....and it's not near over...but i will be strong, tears come and go, my heart breaks, and i let it...i piece it together, and go forward....words are not enough right now, but i needed to write...

krismaez

Phone rang at 4 am my time which is unusually early, thought it was just an early morning phone call for work, not realizing it was saturday or thinking it was saturday, and thinking what jerk is calling this early.  was in such a daze, and literally fell back asleep, never  thought in a million years, the news that would befall my ears.  hour or two later, hubby got up to go to the bathroom,and said, call your sister, it's 911...i make my phone calls, getting my nephew Kyle, who then tells me that Donna died...WHAT? tears well up in my eyes, as i absorb the news...how can this be? she was just here, sitting on my couch, 

he tells me the events, and the tears fall down my cheeks, as i am realizing a world without my oldest sister. She had literally just been at my house 2 months prior, we went to vegas, we went to disneyland, we went to her fav restarurant, El Sur from one of her reality shows. I had a great time with my sister, even with the disagreements that we did have, it was a great time. 

this has been hard for me. I usually can write,and tell my feelings, and somehow this feels like she is going to call me, and say, you cam to MA and didnt come see me? or she is going to call and say, what the heck, you dont call me back? Its crazy, for me, how much and how hard this has been to process.

krismaez

So today i am writing...i am working on Nano wri Mo, a writing challenge.  I am starting school in a week.  working on thoughts of my life next year...I know i want to be happy, and what i am doing isnt doing it. i love working for disney and i love going to school...It's time for me to dedicate time to me ;)

krismaez

I realized today as I was driving to work that you and I are both march babies, and you my dear crossed my mind today. Christina, I miss you. There is some family drama going on, and I guarantee you would be on my side, however, no one is talking to me and I'm not reaching out to them because they are being stupid.  I refuse, it's dumb.  Why do I get ostracized before you know the facts...so instead I am an orphan again just like that, and you had no problem throwing me out with the dirty dishwater....im hurt, and I'm mad, and maybe I'm wrong, but I'm tired of getting hurt, it's not fair.  I do so much, and I bend over backward, and I don't say anything, and when I do, I bite my tongue, because I don't want an argument, it's only been the last few years that I'm starting to speak up for myself. I need you, I need  you to tell me what to do, what to say, I need to argue with you if I'm right or wrong, and then I cower and do what I know is right...I miss you sooooo much, I cant believe you left us...I know why, and I don't blame you, I just wish I had known, I feel so bad...I love you so much... I am so grateful for every minute we spent together, and I'm blessed I was chosen...thank you for being my other half, my beautiful heart, you are one of a kind, I know cuz I'm the other one...love you, sweetie, until we meet again

krismaez

So, we flew to Albuquerque, Rodney and me for Jr's memorial.  WE got there Friday night, and went to Frontier to get our Chili Stew, before we checked in to the hotel. The next morning we met Jonathan, had some breakfast at Little Anitas, and walked around Old Town.  Headed back to the hotel for a blink, and then had to get Ready.  As usual, running late, hitting traffic, but our family nice, waited for us...Got to the hall, and saw all of Rodney's cousins, and his brother Jonathan, and his Brother Mike, it was a nice family reunion of sorts, even it had to be to say goodbye to his father.  

krismaez

Dad, the last monarch in our family has since passed away, i believe as of today it's been a week.  I dont handle loss well, and this one frankly has me sad, and a little lost.  He was doing better, and then was sick and then better however we know that he missed his Hunny, Mom.  We had tried to go see him but was told that he was coming to CA, my regret now is that we should have just gone and seen him.  We will live with that regret forever, the only thing postive is that we got to facetime him often seeing his face, and tell him we loved him, and thought of him.  I feel the worst for my husband and my kids. this is thier legacy, thier lifeline, and nothing can change what we have to deal with.  The only positive is that as we rely on Jehovah, we know we will see him again though heartbreak is still here.  I hve had enough heartbreak to last a lifetime. He was a funny kind man, always ready for you with a joke, and always had a scripture to share.  He loved with all he was, and was barely cross. He spent time with his family, and loved unconditionally.  His grandchildren were the sparkle in his eyes, and he was so proud of all his children including his extended children (us inlaws).   I am going to miss his funny humor, and see him in the kitchen waiting for his glass of wine.  I will miss him laughing before the punch line, and scraping off the stuff he didnt like on his plate.  I will miss the toast crumbs in the butter, and the newspaper left on the counter in the kitchen.  I will hold on to the memories we have shared over the years, and all of his kindness and love. Dad, thanks for all you did for me, and for our family. You were my "dad", w hen i needed one, and the best grandpa Jr to my girls.  They love and miss you more than you will ever know.  i will hug them tight, and help remember kindess as you shared.  Love you Dad...until we meet again

krismaez

So, this saturday, my Aunt Ann passed away.  It must be said that in my life mostly she felt more like my other mom, than my aunt. She had five kids of her own, but growing up i remembered either being at their house or them at our house.  We spent every holiday together, and vacations were usually spent at their house.  I remember swimming in the pool, and spending the night in the treehouse with my cousin.  I remember staying up late, and having breakfast at the table in the morning. I remember helping clean the house with my cousins, and i remember being able to play, watch  movies, goof off, and plan one of our infamous shows we always gave ending with "Aww Shudap your face".  What i remember most is my Aunt always smiling. She always busy, whether she was working, or shuttling a kid to pratice, getting groceries, making dinner, or just being mom, she always had a smile on her face. No matter what she was doing, or how crazy her life seemed, she always made time for us kids. I remember many intimate conversations in the car, and her making me feel wanted, feel safe, and listened to. I remember her laughing as we played in the snow.  She was one of the kindest souls i ever knew, and someone i can say i always looked up to and admired. I know that we all grew up, and somehow life took us all in directions, but you will always be my Aunt Ann, and im so grateful every day for you in my life.   From the bottom of my heart, I love you, and i will miss you. So, Until we meet again.....Keep smiling!

krismaez

As we approach the new year, i cant say that i am not a little happy to see 2021 leave.  It left us with a hole as we buried my mother in law, and now i am having to relive my own fathers death.  During the transition of my moms supportive care, they misplaced my fathers urn, AND in that, threw it away.  I am more than mortified, im heartbroke.  material things i can replace like Tv's, dresser, clothes. I can replace a social security card, an ID, medical cards, BUT my dad, i cant replace.  i cant re burn him, i have to make a make shift funeral, burn some things that belonged to him, and refill an urn AND pretend it's my dad.  My mother has demential, and alzheimers, and the only thing she keeps real is my fathers urn, AND NOW i have to find a way to replace this. The funeral home is replacing it, which is more kindness than i can imagine considering it's marble and engraved, this cost around $500...but to relive this, to bring it all back up again, is more painful than i can express.....i cant imagine how someone is heartless, not empathetic, how you dont think.....so yea 2021, has been a rough year to say the least.

krismaez

So, in two months, friends, acquaintances, have taken their lives.  I was not incredibly close to either, BUT i had my moments, and perhaps as i type this i feel like i should have made more of a difference, talked about the more important things, but you know meeting people, not being the most popular person, talking about stuff that sometimes isn't popular.....i dont know...So Patricia, hit me harder than i expected because she's a sister...(Jehovah's witness), and to hear how she passed, drug overdose, took me by surprise, i knew talking to her she had a lot of "demons", a lot she dealt with, and she was sooo sad, BUT she was strong at the same time, and came across like some amazing force, if only she knw that force could have been used, and how incredible she was to some....and now Amy, our friend Chris's wife...i worked with Amy when we started Monster color, we hung out at thier house, having bbq's and drinking beers...she wasnt my bestie, but i never knew she struggled with depression, she always seemed like she had her life together, she was pretty, still thin at 50, while i struggle to lose weight, and get my health in the best shape...craziness i tell you

krismaez

Mom, how has it been 28 years later?.....i feel like i met you yesterday. i still feel like a little girl....so many memories, so much lost...im grateful for the time we had, more than you will ever know....it meant the world to me...to see you, to hug you, to hear you, to love you....and forever you are part of me.....Meeting you was the highlight of my life, or at least one of them....i got married, had kids, got baptized, and all wonderful highlights, but in my chain of memories attached to my heart, meeting you definetly one of my tops.....you are part of me every day, in every thing i do, i say, how i smile, how i breathe, you live in me in so many things, and how i miss you....i cant even say how much i miss you... with my girls grown, and my grandkids, there is so much i need you for, so many times, i want to talk to you, so many times i feel overwhelmed....i think of you, hope that you are proud of me...hope that you smile when you see me....im a grown adult in a little girls body, that needs her mommy.....I love you more than words can ever say, and until we meet again, i will strive to make you proud...we will meet agian, and when we do, i will hug you so tight, we will laugh and cry, and forget how to breathe...life isnt the same without you, but you left me some sisters, that have blessed me, ups and downs, and im sure you would be here making us all work it out, BUT, our common thread is you mommy, and i will make you proud, every day, every minute.....i love you SOOOOOO much, cant wait to hug you.....