krismaez

krismaez @ 2026-06-12T11:37:00

2026-06-12T18:37:11Z

Mom

My mom passed away...June 1. 2026 around 7pm....Dementia is the worst, and it took it's toll on her, but worse is t hat she was abused, and neglected at teh recent nursing home, yorkshire...infected bedsores were the demons that wrought her body, and she was taken too soon. i am struggling with this alot... I knew the passing was inevitable, but she suffered, AND she should have died in peace, with some dignity...my goal is to be her voice, my heart, head, and voice will be heard in volumes that no one can contain...So much to deal with....and it's not near over...but i will be strong, tears come and go, my heart breaks, and i let it...i piece it together, and go forward....words are not enough right now, but i needed to write...

12.2.23 — call re; donna

2024-01-01T16:23:13Z

Phone rang at 4 am my time which is unusually early, thought it was just an early morning phone call for work, not realizing it was saturday or thinking it was saturday, and thinking what jerk is calling this early. was in such a daze, and literally fell back asleep, never thought in a million years, the news that would befall my ears. hour or two later, hubby got up to go to the bathroom,and said, call your sister, it's 911...i make my phone calls, getting my nephew Kyle, who then tells me that Donna died...WHAT? tears well up in my eyes, as i absorb the news...how can this be? she was just here, sitting on my couch,

he tells me the events, and the tears fall down my cheeks, as i am realizing a world without my oldest sister. She had literally just been at my house 2 months prior, we went to vegas, we went to disneyland, we went to her fav restarurant, El Sur from one of her reality shows. I had a great time with my sister, even with the disagreements that we did have, it was a great time.

this has been hard for me. I usually can write,and tell my feelings, and somehow this feels like she is going to call me, and say, you cam to MA and didnt come see me? or she is going to call and say, what the heck, you dont call me back? Its crazy, for me, how much and how hard this has been to process.

Donna, in case i didnt tell yo enough, i love you, and thank you. thank you for being my oldest sister, thank you for leaning over the crib, and taking care of me. Thank you for naming your daughter after me. Thank you for all the times you answered the phone. Thank you for all the conversations. thank you for the laughter, the tears, and even the times you were mad at me. Thank you just for being my sister. I love you more than words can ever say

My Journey

2023-12-19T04:10:40Z

So today i am writing...i am working on Nano wri Mo, a writing challenge. I am starting school in a week. working on thoughts of my life next year...I know i want to be happy, and what i am doing isnt doing it. i love working for disney and i love going to school...It's time for me to dedicate time to me ;)

Thoughts

2023-03-12T04:14:11Z

I realized today as I was driving to work that you and I are both march babies, and you my dear crossed my mind today. Christina, I miss you. There is some family drama going on, and I guarantee you would be on my side, however, no one is talking to me and I'm not reaching out to them because they are being stupid. I refuse, it's dumb. Why do I get ostracized before you know the facts...so instead I am an orphan again just like that, and you had no problem throwing me out with the dirty dishwater....im hurt, and I'm mad, and maybe I'm wrong, but I'm tired of getting hurt, it's not fair. I do so much, and I bend over backward, and I don't say anything, and when I do, I bite my tongue, because I don't want an argument, it's only been the last few years that I'm starting to speak up for myself. I need you, I need you to tell me what to do, what to say, I need to argue with you if I'm right or wrong, and then I cower and do what I know is right...I miss you sooooo much, I cant believe you left us...I know why, and I don't blame you, I just wish I had known, I feel so bad...I love you so much... I am so grateful for every minute we spent together, and I'm blessed I was chosen...thank you for being my other half, my beautiful heart, you are one of a kind, I know cuz I'm the other one...love you, sweetie, until we meet again

Albuquerque...Dad, and ...

2023-03-12T04:07:31Z

So, we flew to Albuquerque, Rodney and me for Jr's memorial. WE got there Friday night, and went to Frontier to get our Chili Stew, before we checked in to the hotel. The next morning we met Jonathan, had some breakfast at Little Anitas, and walked around Old Town. Headed back to the hotel for a blink, and then had to get Ready. As usual, running late, hitting traffic, but our family nice, waited for us...Got to the hall, and saw all of Rodney's cousins, and his brother Jonathan, and his Brother Mike, it was a nice family reunion of sorts, even it had to be to say goodbye to his father.

We moved to the front row, and sat as we represent the family. Jonathan sat in the aisle, rodney followed, me and then Mike. The brother started, and the tears started. It was hard to realize at this moment hearing his name, hearing the memories, it was really goodbye. DOnt get me wrong, i know about Paradise, i know about the resurrection hope, but it doesnt take away the sting of death. It doesnt take away the pain of losing someone. Jr was a good person. He was always sharing spiritual knowledge, rarely cross. always had a joke to share, usually smiling, was very fond of his toast and coffee in the morning, with his paper, and of course his examing the scriptures daily. He always had silly things he played with the kids, and then moved on that to his great grandkids. He went to bed by 8:30, and if not, he get grumpy. Howeve,r if he heard the wine opening, all of a sudden he appeard with wine glass in hand, ready to sit and sip.

Jr, you will be missed. I am sorry that we didnt get to see you before. We did try, but you were getting better, and supposed to come to LA. I know Rodney is bitter about it, but we place our hope in Jehovah, and there it is. We will see you soon, your girls love you and miss you..I dont know how to bring them back to Jehovah. It's just me and Rodney now that they see as examples, you were the only other pillar they looked up to. I am working hard to get back to good routines, and i hope to make you proud and mom of course...We miss you both terribly, and the new system will be amazing.

Until we meet again Jr...thank you for all that you gave me, my girls, and thank you the most for my husband Rodney, who may not always be the easiest, but who is a good man, and who was taught the truth, and thank you for being a shining example that i could look to. You always had a bible close by, and knowledge to share. Love you JR.....

Joe Maez, DAD

2022-12-18T00:05:13Z

Dad, the last monarch in our family has since passed away, i believe as of today it's been a week. I dont handle loss well, and this one frankly has me sad, and a little lost. He was doing better, and then was sick and then better however we know that he missed his Hunny, Mom. We had tried to go see him but was told that he was coming to CA, my regret now is that we should have just gone and seen him. We will live with that regret forever, the only thing postive is that we got to facetime him often seeing his face, and tell him we loved him, and thought of him. I feel the worst for my husband and my kids. this is thier legacy, thier lifeline, and nothing can change what we have to deal with. The only positive is that as we rely on Jehovah, we know we will see him again though heartbreak is still here. I hve had enough heartbreak to last a lifetime. He was a funny kind man, always ready for you with a joke, and always had a scripture to share. He loved with all he was, and was barely cross. He spent time with his family, and loved unconditionally. His grandchildren were the sparkle in his eyes, and he was so proud of all his children including his extended children (us inlaws). I am going to miss his funny humor, and see him in the kitchen waiting for his glass of wine. I will miss him laughing before the punch line, and scraping off the stuff he didnt like on his plate. I will miss the toast crumbs in the butter, and the newspaper left on the counter in the kitchen. I will hold on to the memories we have shared over the years, and all of his kindness and love. Dad, thanks for all you did for me, and for our family. You were my "dad", w hen i needed one, and the best grandpa Jr to my girls. They love and miss you more than you will ever know. i will hug them tight, and help remember kindess as you shared. Love you Dad...until we meet again

Gone too soon but never forgotten

2022-02-01T23:37:02Z

So, this saturday, my Aunt Ann passed away. It must be said that in my life mostly she felt more like my other mom, than my aunt. She had five kids of her own, but growing up i remembered either being at their house or them at our house. We spent every holiday together, and vacations were usually spent at their house. I remember swimming in the pool, and spending the night in the treehouse with my cousin. I remember staying up late, and having breakfast at the table in the morning. I remember helping clean the house with my cousins, and i remember being able to play, watch movies, goof off, and plan one of our infamous shows we always gave ending with "Aww Shudap your face". What i remember most is my Aunt always smiling. She always busy, whether she was working, or shuttling a kid to pratice, getting groceries, making dinner, or just being mom, she always had a smile on her face. No matter what she was doing, or how crazy her life seemed, she always made time for us kids. I remember many intimate conversations in the car, and her making me feel wanted, feel safe, and listened to. I remember her laughing as we played in the snow. She was one of the kindest souls i ever knew, and someone i can say i always looked up to and admired. I know that we all grew up, and somehow life took us all in directions, but you will always be my Aunt Ann, and im so grateful every day for you in my life. From the bottom of my heart, I love you, and i will miss you. So, Until we meet again.....Keep smiling!

2021

2021-12-22T21:18:48Z

As we approach the new year, i cant say that i am not a little happy to see 2021 leave. It left us with a hole as we buried my mother in law, and now i am having to relive my own fathers death. During the transition of my moms supportive care, they misplaced my fathers urn, AND in that, threw it away. I am more than mortified, im heartbroke. material things i can replace like Tv's, dresser, clothes. I can replace a social security card, an ID, medical cards, BUT my dad, i cant replace. i cant re burn him, i have to make a make shift funeral, burn some things that belonged to him, and refill an urn AND pretend it's my dad. My mother has demential, and alzheimers, and the only thing she keeps real is my fathers urn, AND NOW i have to find a way to replace this. The funeral home is replacing it, which is more kindness than i can imagine considering it's marble and engraved, this cost around $500...but to relive this, to bring it all back up again, is more painful than i can express.....i cant imagine how someone is heartless, not empathetic, how you dont think.....so yea 2021, has been a rough year to say the least.

LIFE IS JUST TOO SHORT

2021-09-08T05:18:19Z

So, in two months, friends, acquaintances, have taken their lives. I was not incredibly close to either, BUT i had my moments, and perhaps as i type this i feel like i should have made more of a difference, talked about the more important things, but you know meeting people, not being the most popular person, talking about stuff that sometimes isn't popular.....i dont know...So Patricia, hit me harder than i expected because she's a sister...(Jehovah's witness), and to hear how she passed, drug overdose, took me by surprise, i knew talking to her she had a lot of "demons", a lot she dealt with, and she was sooo sad, BUT she was strong at the same time, and came across like some amazing force, if only she knw that force could have been used, and how incredible she was to some....and now Amy, our friend Chris's wife...i worked with Amy when we started Monster color, we hung out at thier house, having bbq's and drinking beers...she wasnt my bestie, but i never knew she struggled with depression, she always seemed like she had her life together, she was pretty, still thin at 50, while i struggle to lose weight, and get my health in the best shape...craziness i tell you

28 years later

2021-04-21T01:39:28Z

Mom, how has it been 28 years later?.....i feel like i met you yesterday. i still feel like a little girl....so many memories, so much lost...im grateful for the time we had, more than you will ever know....it meant the world to me...to see you, to hug you, to hear you, to love you....and forever you are part of me.....Meeting you was the highlight of my life, or at least one of them....i got married, had kids, got baptized, and all wonderful highlights, but in my chain of memories attached to my heart, meeting you definetly one of my tops.....you are part of me every day, in every thing i do, i say, how i smile, how i breathe, you live in me in so many things, and how i miss you....i cant even say how much i miss you... with my girls grown, and my grandkids, there is so much i need you for, so many times, i want to talk to you, so many times i feel overwhelmed....i think of you, hope that you are proud of me...hope that you smile when you see me....im a grown adult in a little girls body, that needs her mommy.....I love you more than words can ever say, and until we meet again, i will strive to make you proud...we will meet agian, and when we do, i will hug you so tight, we will laugh and cry, and forget how to breathe...life isnt the same without you, but you left me some sisters, that have blessed me, ups and downs, and im sure you would be here making us all work it out, BUT, our common thread is you mommy, and i will make you proud, every day, every minute.....i love you SOOOOOO much, cant wait to hug you.....

Ida Maez, Mom, Grandma, Auntie, Wife, friend, lost to us January 13 2021

2021-01-21T05:45:24Z

Mom,

You mean more to me than you know... i mean, you were my mom when i married your son, you were the one who encouraged me to find my mom, you encouraged me to study, and go to meetings, you were so much to me, that i hope you knew...

Thank you Mom, for everything, at some point i know we didnt see things eye to eye, but you always loved me, you loved my family, you took care of my kids, and when things were rough, i knew i could count on you...

You showed us strength, you showed us love, and you left this world still strong, i wish i had a moment for us to talk, to share things, but you know ....i know you knew i loved you....you treated me like your duaghter, and i can never say i wasnt part of our family....so many memories we share, OMG we worked together, so much i wish i could say now, and i cant, but know that i love you....always....i never stopped....Mom, you were my mom when i didn't have a mom, you encouraged me to find my mom, you encouraged me to have forgiveness when i couldn't find it, and because of you i was able find forgiveness with both my adopted mom, and birth mom,

it's hard to imagine a world without you, without your smile, without you charging in and making sure we are going to meetings, thank you for everything you gave always.....

most of all, thank you for Rodney, he is the father to our four daughters, and now we been blessed with our 2 grandchildren, one you met, oh the blessings

thank you FOR your love, thank you for your guidance, thank you for so much, i dont even know how to thank you for everything...

My mom thanked you, for bringing me to her, and that was all you, so YOU know life comes full circle, you were my "mom" when i needed one, you brought to my mom, you were my mom always when i needed one, and you still will be "mom"

I know Jehovah will give us the blessing of seeing you again, i will wait patiently, as you hug your children ahead of me, no matter where i stand in that line, know that i wait for you, my arms ache, my heart hurts, for me, for my kids, and for your family, and for your son, my husband Rodney, who im sure never thought this would be part of his story, he will stay tough, he will pretend, he's ok, but i know it hurts,

You are no longer in pain, we will see you again, be ready for a big old hug, AND now i can watch you make all your recipes :) LOVE YOU MOM

2020

2020-07-25T17:47:04Z

So, 2020 in a nutshell sucks, it's like something out of a space novel/ drama. 2020 has started with Covid, so first we all had to start wearing masks, and then we were qurantine, and then we were told to wear masks again, 6 ft distance, and our numbers keep climbing. I have never washed my hands so much, used so much hand sanitizer or worried aobut so much until covid, and i am a clean person. Of course covid has affected so much, businesses, people, lives, etc, and it doesnt look like it is going anywhere soon.

Then, on top of all this, my mom ended up in the hospital which normally not a big deal BUT now she's been diagnosed with dementia which i suspected before my dad died, yet still it takes it's toll on your heart. I wouldnt want anyone to leave this earth not remembering who they are, or who their family is. I am her only family at the moment. Due to Covid, no one can visit, and honestly, i dont know if they could visit, who would. My brother has written us off the page, so the future will be interesting. She's closer to the severe stage, so truly dont know what to exlpect

and if all that wasnt enough, my poor sweet kara is sick. She has 2 different types of cancer. Bone cancer is one, the other is a mammular cancer. The b one cancer is bad, it has rotted away part of her leg, and she has it in her mouth as well. The bone cancer attacked her immune system, and she cant heal. She cant walk, i dont know if it's part of the bone cancer or hip issues, but right now she's been in the house the last 2 days, She cant get up to go to the bathroom, and to be honest i think she jst incontinent. She just go where she is, poor baby. She still eats and drinks, and lights up when you see her, but you can see in her poor eyes, she's tired. so today, at 12:30 , me and my girls will venture off to to do one of the hardest things ever, we will watch her as she takes her last breath. I am dreading this, i know it's the right thing, the humane thing, but a little part of me is scared to think that maybe i should have tried harder. She is beyond repair, so the logic part of me gets it, but my heart hurts so much. i cant beleive i wont see her goofy smile, or hear her bark that rattles the walls, or hear the clickety clack of her nails as she pounces up to the patio door. She has lived a good 12 years, and gotten lots of love, and given us so much. I will miss her tremendously, and trying hard to stay strong for my girls. We as a family unit will be with her, and will grieve our cute little puppy.

So 2020, you suck...you have given more than a person should bear, and i dont like you, i hate you for being cruel, for all that you have dealt this year, and im sure your not done....

Kara, my love, mommy loves you, will always love you! You and your mommy have a deep impression on my heart, my tears will always shed for the pair that gave me so much love..

My Sweet Kara

2020-07-25T17:08:12Z

Its July 25, 2020 at 9:44 AM, and at 12:30 today we will say goodbye to our sweet Kara. We knew her even before she was born, her Mommy Velvet carried her in that sweet belly of hers with her other 9 babies..You came into our lives, and gave us so much joy, and smiles. Your quirkiness, and cute excitedeness, made everyone want to be around you. You always made us smile , and that will always be remembered. My heart is breaking knowing i say goodbye to you, but i know that you are in pain, and i cant imagine how it must feel not being able to get up and play, to not be able to control the urge to go the the bathroom, or just toddle across the room to where your toys are, or you mommy/daddy are. You are going to be so missed my sweet, my hugs and tears are not enough to say how much we are going to miss you. I love your sweet face, your wet kisses. You will share your doggie house with your mommy as the most loving tribute i can give to both mommy and daughter, who so lovingly gave so much to us. I hope you know in your doggy heart how much mommy loved you, and know you will always be part of my heart sweet blonde puppy of mine. Im sorry that you ended up sick , and that so much of your body failed you in the end. But, your steak dinners, chicken stew, and handfed treats, i hope made some of the sweetest memories before the last of your doggy patter. Mommy loves you to the moon and beyond, and im giving you all my hugs, and my own tears as i say goodbye to you today... All my love Sweet Kara

feeling lost

2019-11-27T06:20:13Z

So yea, 2 years since my dad Lloyd died, well he died in sept, so im a little late

ive been trying to reach out to my brother who has nothing to do with me or my mom since my dad died saying we are liars...

so now, im moving mom to independent living, reaching out to fam to see her, to help her befor ehse moves, and instead im told basically that he doesnt need us now that he found his "REAL " sisters..

i mean what the hell

i never closed the door on any of my family — i mean blood doesnt relate to relatonships, memories, Love, omg....so many memoires, how could i throw those away because they arent my "real" family...OMG....

im lost i dont know what to say, how to feel, im sad, im mad, GRRRRR

too much too short

2019-11-21T05:52:17Z

Kyle.. OMG u were in a car accidnet. and OM how they toldm ur mom, walked up to the door, . KYLE please know that ur loved, know that we are here for u i know u lost Christina, i feel like we focused so much on ourselves, ur mom, and maybe we jsut forgot.. KYLE never think ur not loved ur not forogtten....i think we all were so wrappped up , omg one of my first memories, is you and ur cute smile.. omg....u are a part of my life always... know im always here to talk, to vent, to feel open, to love, to laugh, to chat, t cry, to just talk...love you handsome, you r never alone

KYLE

2019-11-10T11:20:29Z

OMG, you amost died..thank god you didnt.. but the injuries, broken ribs, borken collar abones, fractured this, fractured this, OMG the lsit is at my office, KYLE.. i cant watch somene elese kill themselves. i know u hurt, but you cant hurt us more i mean it.... YOU ARE LOVED MORE THAN YOU KNOW... we need you, i need you, my heart sunck... kyle i love you, i know you know i love you.... right?... i love you, more than u know.. KYCLE — get healtyy.. one day at a time.. you are my nephew, i need you, love you KYLE with a "K" :)

Today

2019-08-21T08:14:57Z

So, Today, i live, I breathe, i smile, i laugh.... BUT

my life has not been so easy.... i have LOST so many in between

I have lost my Mom, Diane Arsenault......how i wish we had more time...

YEs im so blessed, for the time we had, BUT you know we needed more

i was ur baby, i needed more, i deserved more, but you were stolen from me,

im grateful for every moment, mom, trust me.... BUT being a grown woman,

almost 50, u think i have all the anwers, NOOOO, i need you more than you know,

and your not here.....i miss you, i need you.. i act strong, i play the role, shoot i raised 4 of my own, and i cant complain, they are pretty good kids, pretty sure you would be a proud nana,... i hope i make u proud, i struggle, i put a smile, yea im grumpy and menopausal, but you know im doing what i can... but without you, with all of ive gone through, shoot i second guess me all the time, am i smart enough? was that the best decison? should i have done something different? am i ugly?

i know you had a BIG HEart, and i do too, and i know you LOVED ME... even when we were apart. for the reasons you needed , Mom i miss you, i need you, i wish you were here, to guide me, to tell me, i m ok.. to say that im me, but i guess i know it right?,

so much has happened, we lost you, we lost Nana, We lost Thomas, and then we lost Christina.... OMG>>> how we we lose kids? i didnt understand the volume of what nana said when she said " this isnt right, how do you bury your kid? this isnt natural?

so nana buried you, Linda buried Thomas, Donna buried Christina, and WE all are heartbroken...

thank you for being my mom, thank u for being honest, , and OMG, thank you for the memories we have... i miss you, i can hear you, i feel your hugs, i can see you, i feel the energy, you loved me SOOO much...

so sad you left me... im almost 50 years old, and you know what i need more than aything?.... just you, i needyou to smile . say "honey... i love you.... no matter what you do im so proud of you....

How can i at almsot 50 still cry at the concept of making my mom proud? how is my heart still broken? i lost her, i lost my niece, i lost my nephew, HUGE parts of my life....and i have to pretend im ok... yea...im ok.. i guess

but i miss them.i hear their laughter, i hear their comments.. i imagine my life with them. OMG... crazy...

life is just that...LIFE... so dont blink,.dont cry, dont sleep, cuz it FLASHES by you,

and then your spent wondering,your brain and heart hurt, cuz somehow you should have — or could have. yea you know....i pinch myself every day, I pray and hope,.....but in the end, i have to KNOW that i did it right... and i give it to Jehovah, cuz i cant take it myself./.. im hurt,. sad, broken, a little lost, but if he takes it, i can find my way.....i pray i did it right.....

ME

2019-06-08T08:23:15Z

So, i have never felt like i fit in, i made friends sure, but i always felt like i was hiding a part of me, whether it ws being adopted, or about my sad home life, either way, i hid so much.....i thought i was a good liar until it meant something.... my senor year i met my high school sweetie who is now my husband almost 30 yrs, AND oddly enough if i tried to fib even on the phone he knew... so im not a good liar. but i have spent most of my life hiding, pretending, but sometime b4 i met my love, i found ME, i found my voice, and i realized the only person that counted was me, and my inside voice became vocal. — it was scary , but it was refreshing. too... so now im almost 50 and that inside voice, has bcome so much more outside voice, and whats funny, is i dont care, im old enough and gone throough so much i dare you callenge me, ...life has given me some challenges, and im here...ive heard and seen thingsi wish i could not, but im here,so LIFE< FAITH has beaten you. im still here, and i know those close to me...sing my praises.....

krismaez @ 2019-05-19T23:33:00

2019-05-20T06:33:41Z

my life a year later

OMG — how is it a year later? i mean ... your presence is in my life, was long b4 that of course. but here we go...my life without you, is sad... i MISS you... funny cuz i know what the bible tells me, i know i will see you, but ....you kept me in check, you made me laugh, you made me cry , and i know you made me mad, but that lasted like a whole 2 secs...you knew how to call me out, you checked me at the door, and now... that door is closed, forever...i miss you more than you know...i feel i lost part of me.... you know.. i am so grateful you came to see me, you spent time here, you were here with me while i went thru my own crap, but you wre here, you held my hand, you gave your heart, your love, your time your patience, OMG.... sweetie, i am so glad, i got that time with you, we shared memories, love, and more than that, a connection that wil never die......Christina, i think of you EVERY day, i mean my name is your name, ...so......i live to make you happy, seriously. and your name, lives, and will always. .. Thank you for you, thank you for letting me part of your life, for making me laugh, smile, cry, and for reminding me that we thoug not perfect ...we still are fam, — LOVE LOVE LOVE you always

a year later

2019-05-18T10:36:21Z

How is it a year later? how am i supposed to be a grown up, and acknowledge a year later you left us... outside,im perfect, living day to day, inside, my heart hurts becuase you arent here...you know that your moomoo, my mom, didnt invison being gone, she thought with her sobriety she would live to see so much, and then she blinked, and well, lifet took a diff path for her, AND you... you had a choice you knew you were sick. sick beyond fixing i guess. AND you made choices. one of them was to see me, , and omg i am so grateful.... i mean we lived, breathed, laughed, cried, sceamed, BUT in the end. you knew i was ur auntie, and i knew u were my namesake, my bestie, some one i could trust, sometimes we liked each other, BUT LOVE always cnqured... i miss u...i am lost...u wre here wehen my dad died...and u guided me...and then u were lost...and then gone, and i didnt know what to do...Christina...i love u i miss u, i need u

krismaez @ 2019-05-14T00:33:00

2019-05-14T07:34:01Z

feelings

im feeling feelings i dont understand... and then i see.. hmm 2 days away from ur 1 yr anniv.. 1 yr reallYY? OMG how did u leave us a year ago? i feel like i heard u a year ago, like we were in vegas, so many memories, laughs, hugs, and now.....i need you, truly... what do i say, how do i act, how do i pretend... you and me i mean were auntie and niece, but you became my bestie, i knew i could be me, and you called me out, and now, where's my anchor.... Christina, i love you SO much, and so much of me is mad at you, for not letting me in, you knew you were sick.;.. and you lived your life, and for that KUDOS, But DAMN girl you were loved, more than you know......and u knew. somehow the decisons, the choices you made......i saw you, amost b4 u took ur last breath. BUT i was ther,e, i hugged you, i kissed you, we spoke, i know u heard me....Little lady you lived life on your terms, and yea i can guess, and i want to be mad at ul BUT you know, it's ur life, and TRULY i dont know how bad it was, BUT you knwo...i was there.. i held ur had.. i combed ur hair, i cried, and i LOVE YOU , yesterday, todyay and forever, .. THANK you my love MISS you always. ...need u more than u know

Just moving on

2019-05-05T09:13:46Z

So, now, it's may 2019...literally a year later after you left us.. Christina...i love you, im mad at you, and i miss you, how is all that possible, you were my anchor...IM so gratefeul for every day we had. every conversation.. you reminded me of so much, so many things....girly your life was short, and WE all need you, we miss you, i was better with you... I LOVE YOU...cant wait to hug and kissy you

Finding myself

2019-03-12T06:00:46Z

So, yea, it's March 2019, my anniversary is coming up in 7 days, and this month im 48 years old. Lord knows i think i have aged pretty well, BUT this year started with the shingles, nerve issue from shingles, and high blood pressure... NO LIE, the high blood pressure made me nervous, scared...the chest pain i thought was from being sick, and then bam, yea High bp...my dad larry died from a heart attack, my nana (my moms mom) died of heart disease), and my grandma ellen (my dads mom) died of heart disease), so hmmm oh and yea, i was born with major heart issues, so yea....i want to be around, i want to see my girls grow up, i want to see my grandkids, grow up, i want to see so many things, i am not ready to say goodbye not even close, i have said so many goodbyes, that my heart feels lessened, in one year i lost my adopted dad, and in that same month my dog, my bird, and my cat (UGG), and then come the new year, 2018, my uncle, our good friend Dan, and my niece Christina, i mean and all in like Feb, March and may, it was like no let up, and i wanst working,lost my job after my dad died, i have lost a piece of me, i used to be more sensitive, more happy, and i dont know, just some happiness was taken, i know we live and we die, i get it, but you know it was a lot ALL at once, THEN i finally got a job, and i worked with someone AMAZING, i mean she made you want to smile, to be better, to shrug off the negative, and then she died, i mean it was like this dark cloud was following.......a person can only handle so much, i need to smile, i need happiness, i need to surround myself iwth my family and know that its going to be ok......i feel like some of it's my fault, i havent been to my meetings, i have left what i know makes me better, BUT if im not feeling better, how can i put a smile on my face and pretend....so it's easier to stay way, i know what i know, and i know it's the truth, but my heart hurts, ....this year a little better other than my physcial which i know is attaching me mentally and emtoionally BLAH

2019

2019-01-16T11:00:19Z

So, its 2019, Sandra, i miss you, i miss your windsom, you been gone since NOV omg , wow. already? i feel like you shoudl be coming back from vacation, how funny, right? i took your lemon home, cuz i didnt want anyoen to take, it LOL, and yoru book with prices and notes, i gave to Terre, cuz i didnt want anyone to destory, etc....

I am so grateful that you gave me the liberrty to be me . i love you, and always will, you saw me, th real me, you saw what i could bring, when u left us, lord knows NONE of us knew, but im glad that i saw your walk, you left , you walked away, taking ur daily walk, to me, it was ur daily walk. so to me IM waiting to see u again, that LONg walk....and i will see u agian.. Sandra, thank you for your BIG heart, your patience, and yoru love...

SO glad i met ur brothe rand ur ur dad and i miss u eery day..LOVE YOu

Sandra Towns

2018-11-02T06:26:13Z

Sandra — you were the inspiration that reminded me i was worth something. — That i had a brain, that i was worth something. Years of experience, years of me, giving, and you picked me out.....momths of not having a job, and then Insta like their name, INSTANTLY pick me out....you had a vision, a purpose, and i was part of that....you SAW me.. you saw something bigger....you were my rock, my mentor, my boss, and my friend. i know that my insecurities drove u CRZY i am sure. but you handled it well, and you coralled me to realize that i was there for a purpsoe...i miss your smile, i miss hearing u laugh, i miss you smelling your limoncella soap, i miss you more than you know. SURE i knew u the shortest, BUT you reminded me that i am worth EVERYTING and that my opionions, my talent, and me ARE worth getting up every day...no matter how we felt, or how you felt, you always made us smile or laugh, even though we all know you had a million things going on.. Sandra, you are one in a million, you reminded everyone that we are human, you reminded us to smile, to laugh, to love, and to to forgive, to remember that all of us are human, and to err is human. Sandra, you are the BEST person i have ever met, you had integrity, compassion, humor, love,patience, and forgiveness. i was BLESSED to know you, and i want to thank you for seeing me, sometimes in life, we feel invisible, life circumstances take a turn, and we forget who we are, and wehn i met you, im not sure i knew who i was, BUT you saw me, the REAL me, and you fought for me, Thank you. for seeing ME, Sandra, you are so MISSED every day, sure i knew u the shortest, BUT i know u are the REAL reason im here, THANK you for everything.. words WILL never be enough EVER. i cant comprehend you arent here...i feel alone, my little island GOT way smaller without you. BUT you know what, i am going to do what u would, i will smile, laugh, and take a sniff at that "lemon". Thank you for everyting sandra, you will always be apart of my life.