Neurotic Euphoria

: ianlyzu; February 9th, 2016

I love firsts. I love firsts especially when I'm suprised that they happen.

This is going to be part of the too much info category... just a warning.

Brent and I went with some friends to a cabin this weekend. Each room was a master, full bathroom attached. We've been away multiple times, staying together, but somehow, this time, I was in a position where I needed to poop but he was in the room connected to the bathroom and I knew I wouldn't be able to escape him hearing me. Even at my house, the bathroom is down the hall enough that you can't hear if you're in the bedroom or the living room.

So, I tell him I have to poop and not to listen. I close the door and he laughs at me, asking why I'm closing the door. Then he talks to me through the door the whole time, laughing at me and saying things like, "I heard that" or "Whew!". I was laughing with him. The poop was stuck. I was in there forever and when I finally got out, he continued to talk with me about it. I ended up telling him (in a child's voice because I can't keep a straight face) that I was constipated because of meds I'm on and had a bunch of rabbit poops. We end up having this in depth discussion full of laughter about poo.

But wait, there's more.

So, the next day (cause I'm clockwork), I go into the bathroom and go to close the door and he redrums me, sticking his head in the door as I'm sitting down and starts talking about why it's a big deal if he's in there with me. I shew him out. "KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE" I yelled and he laughed at me again.

I realize this is silly. And maybe a little disgusting.
But.
It was a first. It was honest. It was something that somehow made me feel that much closer to him. Weird, I know.
Now you guys know, too. ;)

...look, i said i'd write. i didn't say it'd be deep and thoughtful.

Pain

: ianlyzu; February 2nd, 2016

Pain is an interesting thing. I've been in pain since 94 and, most days, I can ignore it. I know my back will hurt daily, sometimes more than others and if I do something stupid (like ride a roller coaster) I'm gonna hurt more. But, I've learned to deal with it. It's just me. Even my headaches, which I always have (I just rate them on how bad they are as to if they get my attention or not) are "normal".

But, when new pain starts, it's kinda insane how much it takes out of me. With my back acting up and affecting my sciatic nerve and making my knee almost unusable, I don't know how to function. Not only does it make it so that I can't sleep, sit or drive comfortably (or at all), but I'm completely overcompensating and that's thrown off my shoulders, neck, mid back and my whole left side, especially my hip and my calf, both of which are working overtime to protect my right knee.

More than that, I've noticed that my concentration is shot. My emotions are more pronounced. My tolerance for everything (even temperature) has decreased.

I always thought that I have a huge tolerance for pain, but the reality is, I have tolerance for pain I'm use to, but new pain makes me a complete baby. I am very VERY aware of when the pain decreases and I'm grateful for those moments. The pain actually scares me. Enough that I've made the chiropractor appointments (which I have to pay out of pocket due to my deductible), had massages and had xrays done *just in case*.

Pain is truly interesting.

decision made

: ianlyzu; January 24th, 2013

so, today, i go to k's house, set on spending the day... when i arrive, he says, "i've been thinking all night. i have one demand, and i know that'll probably be too many, but i'm hoping you'll still say yes. get rid of t and your fuck buddy this week. i want 6 months to rekindle and see if we're gonna be lifemates. i don't want you leaving me after a few months. i want to know. i want you to know. you say you love me, i want to see it."

well, he was right. that one demand was too much. with everything everyone has told me lately, with all the thinking i've done, with the hurt i've had in the past and the general unwillingness to go backwards, i told him that while i didn't take any of this lightly, every time i've hashed it out, the result was the same, that i no longer belonged there with him. so he told me i should go.

so i did.

it's SO much easier to get walked out on than to be the one to walk out. whoda thunk?

i talked to t today and told him what happened. he was sad for me. sad that i lost someone i loved. sad that k missed out on being with me because of "selfishness" and "a belief he owned" me. sad that it came to this. but happy that he got to be with me and i wasn't saying goodbye to him.

i'm happy too.
i think everyone's right. in the long run, i think i will get everything i want, and for now, he's definately what i need. and i think he'll remain something that i need. a challenge if nothing else. i'm hoping my gut was right when i went with it, cause, this decision making shit sucks. but, when i talked to t on the phone, i was smiling. when his color popped up on my phone signaling his text, i smiled. when k's color showed a text (that he wanted something specific back) i took a deep breath and rolled and closed my eyes. i guess, subconciously, my body knows better than my brain does. or my heart. or something.

anyway.

we'll see where this leads. the good part is, i can focus again. i can stop panicking. i can just enjoy t and the moment and be with him. plan with him and not worry.

i'll keep ya posted...

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wow. who knew?

: ianlyzu; October 8th, 2012

so, i started looking over past entries i made on here. went back two years. how long have i been miserable???? was there a time when i WASN'T miserable? not that there haven't been times when i had happy things or when i wasn't myself, but i've been unhappy and bitchy for as far back as i read. i stopped reading, finally, because i was depressing myself with how long i've been a mess.

guess that makes right now that much more impressive. i still have crap going on, obviously, but my posts and my attitude are SO different for the first time in literally, years.

wow.

i've got to commit to ensuring that i remain like this, even after work starts to stress me out. even if finances go wonky. cause, i've always thought i was cheery and, yea, not so much. i may put that off, but, apparently, haven't felt that way for quite some time. bottom line, i feel that way now. that's what matters. present and future.

learn from your mistakes, right?

the one?

: ianlyzu; October 7th, 2012

it just keeps getting better. HE keeps getting better. he's genuine. honest. real. funny. sweet. thoughtful. happy. understanding. caring. sick and twisted. and makes me feel so alive and wanted. he's awesome to be around and we have an amazing time together. we're sexually compatible and i light up when i see him or hear from him or see his color light up on my phone when he texts.

he told his mother about me the other day. last night, he told the rest of his family about me. big deal for him because he keeps his personal/dating life from them at all costs. they asked him last night if i was "the one". i'm pretty sure i am. pretty sure he is.

i'm not sure how this is possible. i still expect to wake. instead, he just keeps impressing me. keeps surprising me. it's an amazing feeling! can't wait to see where the journey leads me.

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oh yea...

: ianlyzu; May 28th, 2012

oooooh, how i like this process. it's fun. the getting to know someone. the first touches. first kisses. first... yea.

and then there's my marine boy toy that just makes things THAT much better. will we ever be anything more? prob not, but i'm okay with that. damn he's pretty. and a GREAT lay. mmmmmm. and i love how he calls me darlin. just wish i could see him more. but, i'll take what i can get. :)

but as for dating, it's a fun thing.

and with the addition of the new ceiling fan in my bedroom, not only does it make sex better cause you're not sweating your ass off, but i've gotten two nights in a row of wonderful night's sleep. yey!

anyway... now all i need is a job (a carreer job) and i'm all set. back to ME.

my girlfriend is taking me out on the first boat trip of the season saturday. as you know, there is no happier kori than the one that is on the water w/o a care. so, yea. very happy about that! it's not supposed to be 90 like it's been, but as long as it's not storming, which i've gotten caught in multiple times, it's all good.

happy memorial day, all. hope you're enjoying it. i have!

updates

: ianlyzu; April 24th, 2012

so, i found a house to rent. it's the size of my current kitchen. where am i going to put everything? storage. but, i have a place and the owner told me i can do what i want with it, including, put up a fence for the dogs. yey! i'll make it my own, i just don't know how yet.

court was today. dui downgraded to a reckless driving, class b misdemenor to be expunged in 6 months. why don't i feel good about it? oh, because i wasn't drunk or under the influence, so if i lose my job over it, i'll be ...pissed? upset? depressed? whatever other adjective we want to put in?

i have great friends and support and i can't thank God more for that. i love them. those that are behind me a hundred percent and those that are there for me in spirit or whatever. i am grateful.

but so much going on. i'm overwhelmed. i'm lost. i'm feeling like a loser. i'm not even sure what i'm supposed to do next. i'm robotic at this point. just doing.

house closes on monday, so moving the rest of my stuff this wknd into the new place. i'll stay there sun and will begin to make it mine. kinda excited, kinda depressed. the whole house is the size of my current kitchen. where will i put stuff? will remain in storage, i guess. i signed a one year lease which should raise my credit so i can purchase another home. one i'll be proud of. one i can make "my" home. but until then, this will be good. it's in a nice neighborhood, centralized where i need to be and again, the owner said i can do upgrades and such as needed. so, yey. but, whoa, a hell of a downsize. wasn't expecting quite what i got, ya know?

i'm just trying to make it through. day by day. see what happens. just keep swimming.

i know i'm moving forward, but i still feel like a loser. hate that. hate that i'm not myself. hope i come back soon. i miss me. i'm sure my friends do, too.

anyway, i'm alive. i'm moving forward. i'm doing what i have to do.
i'll take prayers, juju, good wishes, whatever you're willing to give to me, cause i really REALLY feel like i need it.

that's me.
for now.
i'll keep you posted.

different

: ianlyzu; February 21st, 2012

so, lent starts tomorrow. this is the first year i'll be doing it because it means something and not because i'm in a bet with someone else that i can do it. every year, i've taken it seriously, cause, i hate losing bets... but this year feels different. like i'm picking something that isn't just important to me, but to god. in the past, i've given up coke and fast food (usually together cause that's a HUGE deal for me, especially while i'm working and on the road. i'm not sure if that's enough this year.

i had a friend suggest giving up cursing. but honestly? i'm not sure that's possible. and what happens when i fail? i could give up coke again, cause it is a huge sacrifice for me as stupid as that sounds. i could give up alcohol, which would probably be a good idea, but...i'm not sure now's the time to take away that vice. i need the fall back. it's the safest of all the fall backs i've got. i could give up paying bills, but i'm not sure that's going to work in the long run.

any ideas?

think fast, people... what do you think i should give up?

PSA

: ianlyzu; June 15th, 2011

so, i'm trying to find those things that i can do for myself that keep me sane. keep me feeling grounded. things that are MINE. tanning. sitting with my feet in the lake and just listening to the sounds around me. and eating ice cream. (i don't know WHY i'm fat)

that being said, i'd like to encouarge you to try some ben and jerry's flavors.
red velvet cake
carrot cake
late night snack

go nuts.
and.
not ice cream, but orgasmic snack, second only to red grapes and fresh mozzerella, caramel bugles. get em. really. do it. you''ll be happy you did. no, you'll be mad you did cause they're so good you'll find yourself stopping at gas stations to pick up another bag even when you don't need them becuase you'll be craving them. but, it'll be worth it.

treat yourself. take care of you. you're no good to anyone if you're not okay yourself.

that is all.

the graduate of 2011

: ianlyzu; June 10th, 2011

lots of proud here. not that i ever thought she wouldn't graduate, but just because she did and the world is now hers. here are just a few pics. i won't overload ya.

( this is your future!Collapse )

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dasenergi

12 Feb 2016, 08:07

We're very vulnerable in those positions.

ianlyzu

11 Feb 2016, 03:58

I don't know if it's shame... for me, I think it's that it makes me less than attractive. Think about it. It's poo. It smells. It makes awful sounds.

We're so past farting around one another and…

11 Feb 2016, 03:28

Isn't it interesting how we're taught to be shameful of our normal body functions? Or is it something other than shame?

4 Feb 2016, 04:39

It will pass.
But, thank you.

4 Feb 2016, 03:48

I'm sorry you are in constant pain.

ianlyzu

Neurotic Euphoria

when one opens one's heart and mind and looks, it is amazing what can be seen