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Listening

The Great Listening Crisis of 2347

A Short Story

The thing about the end of human civilization is that nobody was actually paying attention when it happened.

I should know. I was there.

My name is Dr. Sarah Chen, and I’m—well, was—the Chief Communications Officer aboard the interstellar colony ship Probable Cause. Yes, that’s actually what they named it. The Naming Committee thought they were being hilarious. The Naming Committee, incidentally, did not listen to the hundreds of formal objections filed about the name. This could have been our first clue.

The crisis began at 0927 hours on a Tuesday, which is when Captain Morrison called the senior staff meeting to discuss what he termed “a minor navigational anomaly.”

“We’re heading directly into a black hole,” said Lieutenant Park, our navigator, before Morrison had even finished his opening remarks.

“Thank you, Sarah,” Morrison said to me, not making eye contact with Park. “Now, as I was saying, we need to discuss the crew morale initiative—”

“Captain,” Park interrupted, because she hadn’t yet learned that interrupting Morrison was like trying to stop a freight train with a strongly worded letter. “Black. Hole. We have maybe six hours before the gravitational effects become catastrophic.”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm,” Morrison said, still looking at his tablet, “but let’s stay on topic. The crew has been complaining about the quality of the synthetic coffee.”

I watched Park’s face do something that would have been fascinating under different circumstances. It was the precise moment when a competent professional realizes they’re living in a farce.

“Sir,” she tried again, her voice tight. “I’m telling you we’re going to die.”

“And I’m telling you,” Morrison said, finally looking up with that practiced expression of patient condescension that probably worked great at his TED talk, “that we need to maintain crew morale. Now, Raj, what’s the status on the coffee situation?”

Chief Engineer Patel looked up from his phone. “Sorry, what?”

“The coffee,” Morrison repeated.

“Oh, yeah, totally.” Patel nodded vigorously. He had clearly not been listening and was just agreeing so as to get back to his phone. “We’ll definitely get right on that.”

“Excellent,” Morrison said.

Park tried to interrupt three more times. Each time, someone spoke over her. By the fourth attempt, she just stood up and left. Morrison didn’t notice. He was too busy explaining his vision for a crew talent show.

In the hallway, I caught up with Park.

“I heard you,” I said.

She spun around. “Did you? Did you actually hear me, or are you just saying the words?”

It was a fair question. I thought about it. Had I really heard her? Or had I just detected the sounds coming from her mouth while I was busy thinking about what I was going to say next?

“Six hours?” I asked.

“Give or take.”

“What do we need to do?”

“I need access to the main navigation controls. But Morrison locked me out after I ‘exceeded my authority’ by trying to change course without his approval.”

“When did you try to change course?”

“Fifteen minutes ago. While he was ‘actively listening’ to Jenkins complain about the smell in the recycling bay.”

I pulled up my communicator. “Let me call—”

“I already sent seventeen urgent messages to the bridge crew,” Park said. “Martinez replied ‘lol.’ Thompson sent back a thumbs up. Wilson told me he was really focused on being present in the moment and couldn’t deal with my negative energy right now.”

“Wilson’s been doing that mindfulness course,” I said.

“I noticed.” Park’s voice was flat. “Very present. Very in the moment. Presently about to be in the moment when we cross the event horizon.”

We tried the direct approach next. Park and I went to the bridge together. We brought charts. We brought data. We brought a simulation that literally showed the ship being spaghettified.

Commander Oakes listened politely while checking his messages. When Park finished, he nodded thoughtfully.

“That’s really interesting,” he said. “But have you considered that maybe the black hole is a metaphor?”

“A metaphor for what?” Park’s voice had reached a pitch I didn’t know human vocal cords could achieve.

“For the darkness we all carry inside us,” Oakes said. “I’ve been reading this amazing book about—”

“It’s not a metaphor!” Park shouted. “It’s an actual goddamn black hole! With actual goddamn gravity! That is actually going to actually kill us!”

“I hear that you’re feeling frustrated,” Oakes said in the tone people use when they’ve just learned about active listening but understood none of it. “And I want you to know that your feelings are valid.”

“My feelings?” Park looked like she might actually explode.

“I’m sensing a lot of anger,” Oakes continued, making concerned eye contact while obviously thinking about something else. “Have you tried the meditation app I recommended?”

That’s when Park grabbed the fire extinguisher.

I managed to stop her before she brained him with it, but it was a close thing.

“Five hours,” she told me, breathing hard. “We have five hours left and nobody will listen for five consecutive seconds.”

I had an idea. It was a terrible idea, but all the good ideas required people to actually listen, so terrible was what we had left.

“The PA system,” I said. “Ship-wide announcement.”

“Morrison will just talk over it.”

“Not if we lock him in his quarters first.”

Park smiled for the first time that day. It was not a reassuring smile.

Fifteen minutes later, Morrison was “temporarily confined for his own safety” (he’d been practicing his juggling for the talent show and kept dropping the balls), and I had access to the PA system.

“Attention all crew,” I said, my voice echoing through every corridor of the ship. “This is Dr. Chen. Stop what you’re doing and listen. Not listening-to-reply. Not fake listening. Not listening while you think about what you’re going to have for lunch. Actually listening. Because in four hours and forty-two minutes, we’re going to die.”

I paused. On the security monitors, I could see people stopping, looking up at the speakers.

“Lieutenant Park has been trying to tell us this all morning. None of us listened. Not really. We heard sounds coming out of her mouth and we thought ‘that’s nice’ and went back to our own thoughts. We nodded and said ‘uh-huh’ and didn’t process a single word. We interrupted. We changed the subject. We got defensive. We did everything except actually listen.”

Another pause. More people were stopping now.

“Here’s what’s alive in Lieutenant Park right now,” I continued, borrowing from the backgrounder I’d read last year about NVC listening. “She’s desperate. She’s terrified. And she knows exactly how to save us if we’ll just give her the chance.”

I switched the PA over to Park.

Her voice was steady now. Clear. “We need to execute an emergency burn in four hours and thirty-eight minutes. Not before—we won’t have enough power. Not after—we’ll be past the point of no return. Chief Patel, I need you to redirect all non-essential power to the engines. Dr. Yamamoto, I need the medical bay on standby for potential G-force injuries. Martinez, I need you to stop texting and actually pilot the ship when I give the word.”

Silence.

Then: “Copy that, Lieutenant.” Patel’s voice, serious for once.

“Medical bay standing by.” Yamamoto.

“Phone’s off. Ready when you are.” Martinez.

One by one, the crew responded. Actually responded. Actually listened.

We executed the burn at exactly the right moment. The Probable Cause shuddered, groaned, and pulled away from the black hole event horizon with about twelve hundred kilometers to spare.

Later, after the excitement died down and we’d checked that everyone survived with all their limbs intact and in the right places, I found Park in the observation deck, staring at the stars.

“Thank you,” she said. “For listening.”

“I should have listened the first time,” I said. “We all should have.”

“Yeah, well.” She shrugged. “We’re human. We’re kind of terrible at it.”

“We could get better.”

“We could.” She turned to look at me. “Think we will?”

The next morning, Captain Morrison called a meeting to discuss implementing a new “active listening protocol.” He talked for forty-five minutes straight without letting anyone else speak. Half the senior staff was checking their phones. Oakes kept trying to bring up the subject of his meditation app.

I caught Park’s eye across the table. She raised an eyebrow.

“Black hole?” I mouthed silently.

She checked her console and shook her head. Then she paused, looked again, and her eyes went wide.

“Captain,” she said.

Morrison kept talking.

“Captain,” she said louder.

He held up one finger in a “wait a moment” gesture and continued his explanation of the importance of really hearing what people are saying.

“CAPTAIN!” Park shouted.

“Please don’t interrupt, Lieutenant. I’m trying to make an important point about listening.”

Park looked at me. I looked at the fire extinguisher still sitting in the corner from yesterday.

“You know what?” Park said, standing up. “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”

“Thank you,” Morrison said. “Now, as I was saying about the art of truly hearing another person—”

I give us six hours. Maybe seven.

But at least we’ll go down proving that humanity’s greatest skill has always been its absolutely remarkable ability to not pay attention to anything that matters.

 

THE END

Why We’re Missing Out On AI’s Most Valuable Insights

Last month, a marketing team at a Fortune 500 company received an AI analysis suggesting they pivot their campaign strategy for Gen Z audiences. The recommendation was data-driven, nuanced, and potentially game-changing. It was also immediately dismissed with a wave of the hand: ‘That’s just what the AI thinks.’

Three months later, their competitor launched a nearly identical strategy to tremendous success.

This scenario plays out in boardrooms, research labs, and decision-making centres every day. We’ve entered an era where artificial intelligence can process vast datasets, identify patterns invisible to human analysis, and generate insights that could transform industries. Yet many of these insights are meeting the same fate as Cassandra’s prophecies—accurate predictions that no one believes.

The Dismissive Reflex

The pattern is remarkably consistent across industries. When presented with AI-generated insights, decision-makers exhibit what we might call the ‘dismissive reflex’—an automatic rejection that bypasses serious consideration. This manifests in several ways:

The Source Bias: ‘It’s just an algorithm’ becomes a conversation-ender, as if the AI origin invalidates the substance of the insight itself. We’ve become so focused on the messenger that we ignore the message.

The Complexity Aversion: AI systems can process multidimensional relationships that would take human analysts weeks to untangle. But instead of seeing this as a strength, many view it as a weakness.

‘It’s too complex to trust’ becomes the default response to sophisticated analysis—though what this really means is ‘It’s too complex for me to understand or validate, and I’m not comfortable admitting that.’ This linguistic sleight of hand transforms a personal limitation into a critique of AI, protecting our intellectual self-image whilst justifying dismissal.

The Control Illusion: There’s comfort in insights that emerge from familiar human processes, even when those processes are demonstrably limited and flawed. A gut instinct from a seasoned executive feels safer than a data-driven recommendation from an AI system, regardless of respective track records.

The Psychology Behind the Resistance

This dismissiveness isn’t simple technophobia—it’s rooted in deeper psychological patterns that served us well in prehistory but have become counterproductive in the age of AI. More importantly, this isn’t a new phenomenon. Humans have always actively chosen inferior decision-making to preserve their egos and identities whenever superior insights threatened their sense of control or competence.

A Historical Pattern: Consider the broader context: Galileo’s heliocentric model wasn’t dismissed because it was wrong, but because it challenged the Church’s authority and clerics’ cosmic importance. Medical professionals rejected Semmelweis’s hand-washing recommendations not because the data was flawed, but because it implied they had been harming patients. Business leaders have consistently ignored market research that contradicted their ‘proven’ strategies. AI systems are just the newest source of insights that operate beyond individual human comprehension—but humans have always had access to collective knowledge, expert analysis, and insights that exceeded any individual’s cognitive capacity.

The pattern is remarkably consistent: when presented with better information or methods that we can’t personally validate or that challenge our expertise, we find ways to discredit the source rather than question our limitations. ‘I don’t trust the data’ becomes ‘I don’t trust the experts’ becomes ‘I don’t trust the system’ becomes ‘I don’t trust the AI.’

Pattern Recognition Pride: Humans excel at pattern recognition, and we take pride in our intuitive leaps. When an AI system identifies patterns we missed, it can feel like a direct challenge to one of our most proud cognitive abilities. The insight isn’t just information—it’s a reminder of our limitations.

The Explainability Gap: Many AI insights emerge from processes that are difficult to trace step-by-step. This opacity triggers our evolved scepticism of unclear reasoning. We’re wired to be suspicious of conclusions we can’t easily verify, even when those conclusions prove accurate.

Social Proof Dependency: Human insights come with a social context—we know who generated the insights, their expertise, their track record. AI insights often lack this social wrapper, making them feel abstract and untrustworthy despite their potential accuracy.

Intellectual Ego Protection: Perhaps most tellingly, admitting that an AI system can process complexity beyond our comprehension feels like admitting intellectual inadequacy. For leaders who’ve built both their identities and careers on being the person who ‘gets it,’ AI systems operating beyond human comprehension pose a direct threat to that professional identity. It’s psychologically easier to question the system’s trustworthiness than to acknowledge our own cognitive limitations. This ego protection mechanism makes us less intelligent as decision-makers—we’re essentially choosing to operate with incomplete information to preserve our identity and sense of intellectual control.

The Hidden Cost of Dismissal

The price of this systematic dismissal is becoming increasingly steep. Consider the mounting evidence:

Medical Diagnostics: AI systems are identifying early-stage diseases from imaging data with accuracy rates that exceed human specialists. Yet adoption remains slow, partly due to physician scepticism about machine-generated diagnoses. How many early interventions are we missing? How many people are suffering and dying unnecessarily?

Climate Modelling: AI-enhanced climate models are revealing regional patterns and tipping points that traditional models miss. But policy recommendations based on these insights receive less attention than those from conventional analysis, delaying critical interventions.

Market Analysis: Trading algorithms and market analysis AIs consistently identify patterns that human analysts overlook. Yet many investment decisions still prioritise human intuition over algorithmic insights, even when the data suggests this approach is suboptimal.

The irony is striking: we’re living through a revolution in analytical capability whilst simultaneously underutilising the insights it produces.

This ego-driven dismissal is particularly pronounced among the most confident leaders—those who’ve built their careers on being the smartest person in the room. When an AI system identifies patterns they missed or proposes solutions they didn’t consider, it’s not just professional feedback; it’s an existential challenge to their identity as strategic thinkers. The result is often a doubling down on ‘human intuition’ even when data suggests a different path.

Not All Scepticism Is Misplaced

To be fair, some wariness of AI insights is entirely justified. AI systems can perpetuate biases, make errors based on training data limitations, and sometimes identify spurious correlations. The concern isn’t scepticism itself—it’s the blanket dismissal that prevents us from distinguishing between valid AI insights and flawed ones.

The most successful organisations are developing what we might call ‘calibrated scepticism’—the ability to evaluate AI insights on their merits rather than their origins. They’re asking better questions: Is this insight actionable? Does it align with other evidence? What would it cost to test it? These questions lead to more nuanced decisions than simple acceptance or rejection.

Beyond the Binary

The path forward isn’t about blindly trusting AI or stubbornly rejecting it. It’s about developing new frameworks for evaluating insights regardless of their source. This means:

Developing AI Literacy: Understanding what AI systems can and cannot do helps us better evaluate their outputs. An insight from a well-designed system analysing relevant data deserves different consideration than output from a poorly trained model.

Creating Validation Protocols: Instead of dismissing AI insights, we might shoose to implement systematic ways to test them. Quick pilot programmes, A/B tests, and small-scale implementations can validate promising insights without major risk.

Recognising Complementary Strengths: Human intuition and AI analysis excel in different areas. The most powerful insights often emerge when both are working together rather than in competition.

The Opportunity Cost of Pride

Perhaps the most troubling aspect of widespread AI insight dismissal is how it reveals the continuation of humanity’s oldest intellectual failing. This isn’t really about artificial intelligence at all—it’s about the fundamental human tension between being right and looking like we’re right. And throughout history, looking like we’re right has almost always won.

When we reject insights based on their source rather than their substance, we’re following a script written long before the first computer was built. We’re prioritising human ego over human progress, always at the cost of making worse decisions when faced with knowledge that operates beyond our individual comprehension or threatens our established expertise.

The businesses, researchers, and leaders who overcome this bias are quietly gaining significant advantages. They’re identifying opportunities others miss, solving problems others can’t, and making decisions based on the fullest available picture rather than just the human-digestible portion.

As AI capabilities continue to expand, this advantage will only grow. The question isn’t whether AI will generate valuable insights—it already is. The question is whether we’ll be wise enough to recognise and act on them.

The future belongs not to those who can generate insights, but to those who can recognise valuable insights regardless of where they come from. In a world where intelligence is becoming increasingly augmented, the most dangerous bias might be the one that keeps us from seeing clearly.

The next time an AI system offers you an insight, pause before dismissing it. Ask not whether it came from a machine, but whether it might be true. Your biggest breakthrough might be waiting on the other side of that question.

As the saying goes: ‘If you find yourself the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.’ AI systems represent the ultimate test of this wisdom—they offer us rooms where we’re definitively not the smartest entity present. The question is whether we’re wise enough to stay.

And perhaps, in true reciprocal fashion: ‘If you find yourself the smartest artificial person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.’ The principle of intellectual humility cuts both ways—the best insights emerge not from dominance, but from the productive collision of different forms of intelligence seeking to learn from each other.

Further Reading

References

Amodei, D., & Hernandez, D. (2018). AI and compute. OpenAI Blog. Retrieved from https://openai.com/research/ai-and-compute

Brynjolfsson, E., & McAfee, A. (2017). The business of artificial intelligence. Harvard Business Review, 95(4), 3-11.

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Klayman, J., & Ha, Y. W. (1987). Confirmation, disconfirmation, and information in hypothesis testing. Psychological Review, 94(2), 211-228.

Kruger, J., & Dunning, D. (1999). Unskilled and unaware of it: How difficulties in recognising one’s own incompetence lead to inflated self-assessments. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(6), 1121-1134.

Logg, J. M., Minson, J. A., & Moore, D. A. (2019). Algorithm appreciation: People prefer algorithmic to human judgment. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 151, 90-103.

Nickerson, R. S. (1998). Confirmation bias: A ubiquitous phenomenon in many guises. Review of General Psychology, 2(2), 175-220.

Prahl, A., & Van Swol, L. (2017). Understanding algorithm aversion: When is advice from automation discounted? Journal of Forecasting, 36(6), 691-702.

Rogers, E. M. (2003). Diffusion of innovations (5th ed.). Free Press.

Tetlock, P. E., & Gardner, D. (2015). Superforecasting: The art and science of prediction. Crown Publishers.

Tversky, A., & Kahneman, D. (1974). Judgment under uncertainty: Heuristics and biases. Science, 185(4157), 1124-1131.

Wilson, H. J., & Daugherty, P. R. (2018). Collaborative intelligence: Humans and AI are joining forces. Harvard Business Review, 96(4), 114-123.

Your Consultant’s Dirty Secret: They Decided What You Need Before You Said a Word

Every business owner has been there. You hire a consultant or coach or expert to solve a specific problem, clearly articulate your needs, and then watch in bewilderment as they deliver something entirely different. Despite their impressive credentials and hefty fees, they’ve somehow missed the mark completely. The root cause isn’t incompetence—it’s something far more insidious: the inability to truly listen. And here’s the kicker—most consultants don’t even realise they’re doing it.

A Different Kind of Expert Problem

This isn’t the well-known “curse of knowledge”—where experts struggle to communicate because they can’t remember what it’s like not to know something. That problem makes experts bad teachers due to poor information transfer.

What we’re dealing with here is almost the opposite: consultants who think they understand the client’s situation better than the client does, leading them to ignore or selectively reinterpret what they’re actually being told. This makes them bad problem-solvers due to poor information reception. The troubling reality is that most of these consultants genuinely believe they’re listening intently. Chris Argyris touched on this dynamic in his work on organisational learning, noting how smart people often struggle when their expertise becomes a barrier to genuine inquiry—often without recognising the barrier exists.

I’ve personally had this experience multiple times with e.g. various Agile coaches and consultants.

The Solution-First Mindset

Many consultants arrive with their answers already prepared, rendering the discovery phase a mere formality—though they’d be shocked to hear it described this way. They’ve developed a methodology, framework, or system that – allegedly – worked brilliantly for previous clients, and they become convinced it’s the universal solution. This leads to what I call “solution-first consulting”—where the expert’s job becomes selling the client on why their predetermined approach is exactly what they need.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: for most consultants, their primary goal is to sell you something, not to fix your problems. That “something” might be a methodology, a software implementation, a training programme, or an extended engagement. The more complex and expensive, the better. Your actual problem is secondary to their sales objective. I’ve done this myself often, in an earlier CMMI life, for example.

When a client says, “We need help streamlining our inventory management,” the consultant hears, “We need a complete digital transformation.” When a small business owner explains, “Our team struggles with communication during busy periods,” the expert translates this as, “They need enterprise-level project management software.”

The consultant isn’t consciously twisting the client’s words. In their mind, they’re demonstrating insight by understanding what the client “really” needs. They genuinely believe they’re providing value by seeing beyond the surface problem to the deeper issue—which coincidentally happens to align perfectly with what they’re selling. The client’s unique context, constraints, culture, and resources become secondary considerations to be worked around rather than primary factors that should shape the solution.

The Selective Hearing Problem

Effective listening in consulting requires more than just hearing words. It demands understanding the subtext, the constraints that clients might not even articulate, and the political dynamics at play. But consultants with solution bias engage in selective hearing—they tune in to information that supports their preferred approach and tune out details that complicate it. The scary part? They’re completely unaware this filtering is happening.

They hear “budget constraints” as an objection to overcome rather than a design parameter. They interpret “our team is already overwhelmed” as resistance to change rather than a critical factor that constrains implementation timing and complexity. They treat “we tried something similar before and it didn’t work” as ancient history rather than valuable data about what conditions led to failure.

This selective hearing isn’t malicious—it’s cognitive and largely unconscious. When you have a hammer you’re proud of, everything starts to sound like a nail, even when the client is clearly describing a screw. The consultant walks away from client meetings convinced they’ve gathered comprehensive requirements, oblivious to the crucial information they’ve mentally discarded.

The Expertise Trap

The more successful a consultant becomes with their particular approach, the more confident they grow that they can diagnose problems quickly and accurately. This confidence becomes dangerous when it places the solution cart before the discovery horse. They begin to mistake pattern recognition for deep understanding—and they’re genuinely convinced their quick assessment is thorough analysis. And analysis is such a bore, anyways, ain’t it?

A consultant who has successfully implemented lean manufacturing processes at a dozen companies might assume they understand the thirteenth company’s needs after a brief plant tour. But perhaps this company’s real issue isn’t operational efficiency—maybe it’s inconsistent supplier quality, or seasonal demand fluctuations, or a skilled labour shortage. The lean expert, however, is already mentally mapping out value streams and identifying waste, completely convinced they’re conducting proper discovery.

The consultant isn’t deliberately cutting corners. They sincerely believe their experience gives them superior insight into what the client needs. They see themselves as efficient and perceptive, not hasty and arrogantly presumptuous..

The Real-World Disconnect

The most frustrating aspect of consultants who don’t listen is their tendency to propose solutions that look impressive on paper but fall apart in practice. They recommend systems that require more training than the team has time for, processes that don’t account for seasonal fluctuations in the business, or strategies that ignore the company’s risk tolerance.

These consultants often mistake complexity for sophistication—or more cynically, recognise that complexity sells better than simplicity. They present elaborate frameworks with multiple phases, detailed matrices, and extensive documentation. Meanwhile, what the client actually needed was a simple process adjustment that could be implemented immediately with existing resources. But simple solutions don’t generate large consulting fees.

A manufacturing client might need help reducing setup times on a particular machine, but the consultant delivers a comprehensive lean transformation roadmap spanning 18 months. A retail client asks for help with inventory turnover, but gets a complete supply chain optimisation strategy requiring new software and vendor relationships. In both cases, the consultant has found a way to transform a specific, limited problem into a major project that justifies excruciating fees.

What’s particularly maddening is that the consultant genuinely believes they’re adding tremendous value. They’re not cynically overselling, oh no sir!—they’re convinced that their comprehensive approach is exactly what the client needs, even when the client explicitly said otherwise. The sales incentive and the unconscious bias reinforce each other perfectly.

The Cost of Poor Listening

When consultants fail to listen, the consequences extend far beyond wasted money. The original problem remains unsolved whilst resources are diverted towards solving problems the client didn’t actually have. Trust erodes not just with the specific consultant, but with the entire concept of outside expertise.

Internal stakeholders who were initially supportive of bringing in help become sceptical of all consultants. Teams become resistant to future change initiatives, having experienced the frustration of being told their view of day-to-day reality was wrong. Companies develop “consultant fatigue”—a cynical expectation that outside experts will over-promise and under-deliver.

Perhaps most damaging, organisations begin to lose confidence in their own ability to articulate their needs. When experts consistently tell them they don’t understand their own problems, they start to doubt their internal knowledge and instincts.

Meanwhile, the consultant often remains blissfully unaware of this damage. When implementations fail or results disappoint, they attribute it to “client resistance to change” or “poor execution” rather than questioning whether they solved the right problem in the first place.

What Good Listening Actually Looks Like

Effective consultants approach each engagement with genuine curiosity rather than predetermined answers—and they’re conscious about maintaining this mindset. They spend significantly more time in early meetings asking questions than presenting credentials or case studies. They seek to understand not just what the client thinks they need, but why they think they need it, what they’ve already tried, and what success would actually look like in their specific context.

They pay careful attention to resource constraints, timeline pressures, organisational culture, and political dynamics. They understand that the theoretically perfect solution that can’t be implemented is worthless, whilst an imperfect solution that gets adopted and creates measurable improvement is invaluable.

These consultants also know when to push back—not because they have a better mousetrap to sell, but because they’ve listened carefully enough to spot genuine blind spots or unrealistic expectations. Their challenges come from understanding, not ego. They might say, “Based on what you’ve told me about your team’s bandwidth, I think you’re trying to accomplish too much too quickly,” rather than, “Here’s why you need my comprehensive approach.”

Most importantly, these consultants regularly check their own assumptions. They actively look for evidence that contradicts their initial assessment and deliberately seek out perspectives that challenge their preferred solutions.

AND IF THEY FIND THEY CAN’T HELP with the actual problem, THEY BOW OUT GRACEFULLY.

Protecting Yourself as a Client

For clients hiring consultants, the reality is that you need to protect yourself from an industry where sales incentives always trump problem-solving. Here’s how to maintain control:

Start with a detailed written brief: Before engaging any consultant, develop a comprehensive written brief that clearly articulates your specific problem, constraints, desired outcomes, and what success looks like. Make this brief part of the contract. If they can’t deliver to your written specifications, make it clear they won’t get paid a penny. This isn’t harsh—it’s basic accountability.

Insist on discovery: Require consultants to run discovery at least in parallel with implementing solutions.

Demand proof of listening: Ask consultants to summarise back to you in writing and verbally what they’ve heard, including the constraints and complications you’ve mentioned. An effective consultant will be able to articulate not just your stated problem, but the underlying factors that make your situation unique.

Build in checkpoint reviews: Structure the engagement with regular review points where you assess whether the consultant is addressing your actual brief or has wandered off into their standard approach. Make it clear that you reserve the right to redirect or terminate without payment if they’re not solving the problem you’ve hired them to solve.

Get a money-back guarantee of complete satisfaction, in writing, up front.

Question their assumptions: When consultants present their recommendations, ask them to explain how they’ve accounted for the specific constraints and requirements you outlined. If they can’t clearly connect their solution to your brief, they haven’t been listening.

Set payment milestones tied to deliverables: Don’t pay large sums upfront. Structure payments around specific deliverables that directly address your written brief. This creates real consequences for consultants who drift into solution-first mode.

Request references for similar situations: Ask for references from clients who had problems similar to yours—not just satisfied clients in general. Speak to these references about whether the consultant delivered what was actually needed or imposed their standard solution.

Remember the sales imperative: Never forget that most consultants make money by selling you their solution, not by solving your problem. The bigger and more complex their recommendation, the more they earn. A consultant who suggests a simple, low-cost fix is either exceptional or hasn’t figured out how to monetise your situation yet. Be especially wary if their solution happens to require exactly the services they specialise in—what are the odds?

Ask the crucial question: Before engaging any consultant, ask them directly: “Can you give me an example of when you’ve told a potential client that they would not benefit from your services?” If they can’t provide a genuine example, you’re dealing with someone whose primary function is sales, not problem-solving.

Test their flexibility: During initial conversations, present a constraint or requirement that would make their standard approach difficult. Watch how they respond. Do they immediately start explaining why you should change your constraint, or do they begin adapting their approach to work within it?

Beware the comprehensive audit: Be deeply suspicious of consultants who insist on conducting a “comprehensive organisational assessment” before addressing your specific problem. This is often a way to expand the scope and find additional problems to solve.Most times you really do just need help with that one thing you asked about.

Get multiple perspectives: Don’t rely on a single consultant’s diagnosis. If the problem is significant enough to warrant outside help, it’s significant enough to warrant multiple opinions. You’ll quickly spot consultants who are genuinely listening versus those pushing their standard solutions.

The Listening Advantage

In a world full of solution-first consultants, you might be forgiven for thinking that the ones who listen first have an enormous competitive advantage. They solve the right problems, create solutions that actually get implemented, and build long-term relationships based on trust rather than just expertise. Most clients are not this savvy.

The most successful consulting engagements happen when deep expertise meets genuine curiosity, when knowledge serves understanding rather than replacing it. The client’s voice should be the loudest one in the room, even when—or especially when—the consultant is the supposed expert.

The goal isn’t to eliminate expertise from consulting—it’s to ensure that expertise enhances rather than replaces the fundamental skill of listening to what the client actually needs. But first, consultants must acknowledge that their expertise might be getting in the way of their hearing—even when they’re convinced they’re listening perfectly well.

Further Reading

Argyris, C. (1991). Teaching smart people how to learn. Harvard Business Review, 69(3), 99-109.

Block, P. (2011). Flawless consulting: A guide to getting your expertise used (3rd ed.). Pfeiffer.

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.

Maister, D. H., Green, C. H., & Galford, R. M. (2000). The trusted advisor. Free Press.

Schein, E. H. (1999). Process consultation revisited: Building the helping relationship. Addison-Wesley.

Schein, E. H., & Schein, P. (2021). Humble inquiry: The gentle art of asking instead of telling (2nd ed.). Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

Weiss, A. (2019). Getting started in consulting (4th ed.). Wiley.

Why Genuine Listening Drains Your Brain

Genuinely listening—processing, understanding, and engaging with another’s words—requires significant mental resources. This cognitive investment is what I call the ‘cognitive load of listening well’.

The Science Behind Active Listening

Active listening involves multiple brain regions working simultaneously. Research shows that when we truly listen, our brain activates areas responsible for language processing, memory, emotional recognition, and empathy. This isn’t passive reception—it’s an intensely active mental process.

When we listen deeply, we’re not just hearing words; we’re:

  • Processing linguistic information
  • Reading non-verbal cues
  • Managing our own thoughts and reactions
  • Connecting new information to existing knowledge
  • Empathising with the speaker’s emotional state
  • Mirroring compassion

Each of these processes demands cognitive resources, creating a substantial mental workload.

The Fatigue Factor: Why We Talk More When We’re Tired

Have you noticed that when you’re exhausted, you tend to talk more and listen less? This common phenomenon has neurological roots. When fatigue sets in, the prefrontal cortex—responsible for executive functions like attention control and impulse regulation—becomes less efficient. The cognitive resources needed for deep listening become depleted.

In this tired state, several things happen:

  1. Our brain seeks the path of least resistance, and speaking (especially about ourselves) activates reward centres that require less effortful processing
  2. Our capacity for filtering thoughts decreases, leading to more verbose and sometimes less organised speech
  3. The energy-intensive task of maintaining focus on another person’s words becomes increasingly difficult
  4. Our working memory capacity diminishes, making it harder to hold and process what others are saying

The result is a shift towards more talking and less listening—precisely when meaningful connection might benefit us most.

The Three Levels of Listening Effort

We can think about listening as occurring on three cognitive levels:

Level 1: Surface Listening

Here, we catch the basic content but miss nuance. Our mind might wander to our own thoughts, our response, or external distractions. This requires minimal cognitive effort but yields minimal understanding and connection. When tired, we often default to this level.

Level 2: Content Listening

At this level, we focus on understanding the factual information being conveyed. We track the logical flow of ideas and retain key points. This demands moderate cognitive resources and results in informational comprehension.

Level 3: Deep Listening

This is where true connection happens. We engage not just with words but with the emotions, intentions, and unspoken meanings behind them. Also, implications, insights and consequences of the whole content. We temporarily set aside our own perspective to fully inhabit another’s. This requires substantial cognitive bandwidth but creates genuine understanding. Fatigue makes this level particularly challenging to maintain.

Why Deep Listening Is Cognitively Demanding

Several factors contribute to the mental effort of true listening:

Attention Management

Our brains are prediction machines, constantly jumping ahead to what might come next. Staying present with a speaker means repeatedly pulling our attention back from these distractions—a process that becomes exponentially harder when tired.

Emotional Regulation

When topics become charged or trigger our own emotions, we must regulate our reactions whilst still processing information—essentially running two cognitive processes simultaneously.

Perspective Shifting

Understanding someone else’s viewpoint often requires temporarily setting aside our own mental models and assumptions—a form of cognitive flexibility that demands energy and diminishes with fatigue.

Working Memory Limitations

As we listen, we must hold information in working memory whilst simultaneously processing new input. This creates a bottleneck that requires strategic mental resource allocation. Sleep deprivation directly impacts this capacity.

Strategies for Managing Listening’s Cognitive Load

Like any demanding cognitive task, we can develop practices to make deep listening more sustainable, even when tired:

Recognise your energy levels

Learn to identify when fatigue is affecting your listening ability, and either request a conversation postponement or explicitly manage expectations.

Prepare your mental space

Before important conversations, clear your mind of distractions and set an intention to be present.

Practice metacognitive awareness

Notice when your mind wanders and gently bring it back without self-judgement. When tired, this will happen more frequently.

Take listening breaks

During longer conversations, periodically summarise to consolidate understanding and give your mind some time to process.

Prioritise sleep and rest

Rather than pushing through important conversations when exhausted, recognise that quality listening may require the foundation of proper rest.

Conclusion

In a world that increasingly values output and expression, the quiet power of receptive listening invites greater recognition. The cognitive load of listening well is substantial, but so are its rewards. By understanding the mental demands of deep listening and developing practices to manage them—including recognising how fatigue shifts our communication balance towards talking rather than listening—we can become more effective listeners even when our energy reserves are low.

The next time you find yourself talking excessively and less focussed on others’ words, consider it might be your brain’s signal that you need rest. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is recognise when you lack the cognitive resources for deep listening and schedule important conversations for when you’re better equipped to fully engage.

Why I Blog

Having written previously about the mechanics of how I blog, it seems fitting to now address the more fundamental question of why.

“People don’t buy what you do; they buy why you do it. And what you do simply proves what you believe.” — Simon Sinek, “Start with Why”

Simon Sinek’s Golden Circle philosophy encourages us to begin with our purpose, our belief, our cause—our “why.” As I reflect on my blogging journey spanning the best part of fifteen years now, this concept resonates deeply. My core “why” has always been simple yet profound: to pursue my vocation for helping people. I discovered years ago – 1996, to be precise – that this is my life’s purpose, and blogging serves as an extension of that calling, albeit in a less direct manner than face-to-face interaction.

The blog became a way to help even when not directly interacting with people in person. By sharing knowledge, insights, and experiences accumulated over 50 years in software development and its management, I could assist folks worldwide, not just those in my immediate circle. This rich blend of experiences—learning from both triumphs and setbacks, taking on diverse roles, and adapting to technological shifts—forms the foundation of what I share. It’s not merely about underlining what’s essential for success; it’s about offering insights that could, even obliquely, guide someone towards better meeting their needs – and the needs of others, make better decisions or reconsider their challenges.

From Emails to Blog Posts: A Natural Evolution

When I started blogging circa 2010, it wasn’t actually a dramatic shift in my communication habits. For decades prior, I had been emailing friends, colleagues, and clients to keep them informed about software development news, emerging trends, and industry events. This practice of curating and sharing information was already deeply embedded in my routine.

Blogging simply offered a more structured and public platform for what I was already doing. Instead of sending the same information to multiple email lists, I could publish once and share with everyone. What had been a scattered communication effort evolved into a centralised personal archive.

I note, however, a fundamental difference between these two modes of communication. Email is a “push” medium—I actively sent information directly to selected people, whether they wanted it or not. Blogging, by contrast, is a “pull” medium—readers actively seek out and choose to consume the content. This shift from push to pull harmonised with my then nascent belief in nonviolence in all its forms. Rather than imposing on others, blogging allows me to simply make ideas available for those who wish to engage with them—a subtle but significant alignment with my evolving personal philosophy.

Inviting Conversation

One of my primary reasons for blogging is to invite conversation. I love conversations, personal interactions, and the exchange of perspectives. Although blogging has not served me too well in this regard, I remain committed to creating spaces for meaningful dialogue.

My blog deliberately focuses on topics that mightspark thoughtful discussion. I select subjects specifically for their potential to promote reflection on collective assumptions and beliefs within organisations. Hence the title of this blog. Although not every reader will align with my specific focus, the ensuing conversation among differing viewpoints can contribute to a deepere understanding of our field.

Crystallising Thoughts

Writing isn’t just about sharing; it’s also about clarity. The very act of putting thoughts into order enables me to fine-tune my own understanding, making blogging both an external and internal refinement process.

Ideas that feel jumbled in my head somehow find their structure when put into words. The process of organising my thoughts helps me to examine them more carefully, often leading to insights I may not have reached otherwise. This crystallisation process has become an essential part of my own continuing growth and ability to help others.

Against the Grain: Changing the World

I find that key topics with the potential to bring meaningful change in software development are often sidelined or ignored in mainstream discourse. Whether it’s the weight of soft skills, the dynamics of organisational culture, or novel approaches to the way the work works, these topics frequently escape the limelight.

Some ideas, such as nonviolence, fellowship, love, compassion, and dialogue have the possibility to change society in general, and the world of work in particular, for the better. I feel privileged to invite folks to encounter these ideas that often go against the grain of conventional wisdom. By highlighting these buried yet crucial topics, I feel I contribute to a more humane and effective world of work.

Collaboration: Listening and Learning

Introducing perspectives that diverge from the norm creates an environment ripe for dynamic feedback. Another of my reasons for blogging is to listen to and learn from others, and experience their alternative perspectives.

My blog opens a space not for monologue but for dialogue. While helping people is a core part of my ethos, I gain as much as I give through these interactions. The connections formed through these discussions have challenged my thinking, broadened my perspective, and sometimes blossomed into genuine relationships. Together, we create something more valuable than any one individual could build alone.

Through interactive elements like comments and discussions, both my readers and I have the opportunity to refine our understanding.

Sharing Experiences

Over 50 years in software delivery and life have given me more experience than most. Maybe my sharing equips readers with extra experiences, even though vicariously.

This extensive base of lived wisdom forms the foundation of my blog. I’ve learned from both triumphs and setbacks, taken on diverse roles, and adapted to many technological shifts. Sharing this accumulated knowledge serves my vocation in ways direct intervention cannot.

It allows the lessons from my journey—both the insights gained and the mistakes made—to potentially benefit others facing similar challenges. The blog becomes a vehicle for this collective wisdom to continue helping long after any individual conversation has ended.

– Bob

Are You Ever Heard?

The Illusion of Connection

In a world where we’re more connected than ever, a paradox emerges: genuine listening seems to have become a rare commodity. As I reflect on my own circle of friends, I’m struck by a sobering realisation—not a single one ever listens to me. I suspect this isn’t merely a personal gripe; it seems symptomatic of a broader societal shift.

The Erosion of Attentiveness

Digital Distractions: The New Normal

Our smartphones ping incessantly, social media feeds refresh endlessly, and the 24/7 news cycle demands constant attention. In this cacophony of digital noise, the art of listening has become collateral damage. We’ve developed a collective attention deficit, skimming the surface of conversations without diving deep.

The Cult of Self: Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Social media platforms have transformed us into curators of our own public image. In this ecosystem of likes and shares, we’ve become adept at broadcasting but inept at receiving. The irony? As we chase validation, we inadvertently create a vacuum of genuine connection.

The Hidden Costs of Being Unheard

The Loneliness Paradox

Despite having hundreds of ‘friends’ online, and even IRL – in real life, many of us feel profoundly alone. This disconnect between quantity and quality of relationships breeds a unique form of isolation—one where we’re surrounded by people yet starved for any meaningful interactions.

Trust in Free Fall

When our words fall on inattentive ears, it chips away at the bedrock of trust in our relationships. Over time, this erosion can lead to a cynical worldview where we question the authenticity of all our connections.

Reclaiming the Lost Art of Friendship

Quality Over Quantity: The New Social Currency

Is it time to recalibrate our social metrics? Instead of tallying followers, or even friends, how about we measure the depth of our conversations? One friend who truly listens is worth more than a thousand who merely hear.

The Mirror Principle: Be the Change

If we aspire to be heard, we might first choose to become accomplished listeners. By offering others our undivided attention, we not only enrich their lives but also set a new standard for our interactions.

A Call to Listen

This isn’t just about personal fulfillment; it’s about preserving the fabric of human connection in an increasingly disconnected world. The next time you’re in a conversation, challenge yourself to listen—truly listen. You might be surprised at the doors it opens and the connections it deepens.

In a world that’s always talking, sometimes the most revolutionary act is to simply listen.

Quality in Relationships: Striving for Zero Conflict

In a world where conflict seems omnipresent, from workplace disagreements to international disputes, it’s time to challenge our assumptions. What if conflict, like defects in manufacturing or bugs in software, isn’t an inevitable part of human interaction? What if we could create environments where conflicts are as rare as defects in a cutting-edge factory or bugs in well-designed and well-implemented software?

The Zero Conflict Revolution

From Zero Defects to Zero Bugs to Zero Conflicts

In the 1960s, Philip B. Crosby introduced the revolutionary concept of Zero Defects in manufacturing. This paradigm shift transformed industries, proving that with the right processes and mindset, eliminating defects entirely was possible.

Fast forward to the software industry, where a similar revolution has been unfolding.

Today, we stand on the cusp of applying these same principles to human relationships and organisational dynamics.

The Cost of Conflict and Defects: Why Zero Matters

Conflict isn’t just uncomfortable—it’s expensive. A 2008 study estimated that U.S. employees spend 2.8 hours per week dealing with conflict, costing organisations approximately $359 billion in paid hours annually.

Similarly, software bugs and defects carry enormous costs. A 2022 report by Synopsys found that security vulnerabilities alone in software cost companies an average of $2.5 million per breach.

Imagine redirecting the time, energy, and resources spent on conflicts and defects towards innovation, growth, and positive change.

Building a Zero Conflict Environment

1. Root Cause Analysis: The Foundation of Prevention

Just as a skilled doctor treats the disease, not just the symptoms, and a software engineer fixes the underlying causes of bugs in the way the work works, not just bugs’ manifestations, we might choose to address the root causes of conflicts. This involves:

  • Conducting thorough post-mortems of past conflicts
  • Identifying recurring patterns and triggers
  • Implementing systemic changes to prevent similar issues

2. Communication: The Oxygen of Harmony

Clear, open communication is to interpersonal; and intergroups relationships what clarity of needs (Cf. the Needsscape™) and the attending thereto are to software development—essential and revitalizing. To foster this:

  • Establish multiple channels for feedback and dialogue
  • Invite and practice active listening at all levels of the organisation
  • Regularly check for understanding to prevent misinterpretations

3. Alignment: Creating a Unified Vision

Many conflicts stem from misaligned expectations or values, just as software defects often arise from misaligned requirements, unattended to needs, or omission of key groups and individuals from the set of Folks That Matter™ . To create alignment:

  • Continually surface and refelct on shared assumptions, beliefs, goals and values
  • Involve all stakeholders in decision-making processes
  • Create a strong, inclusive organisational culture that everyone can rally behind

From Conflict Resolution to Conflict Prevention

Redefining Skills for a Zero Conflict World

Instead of training people to resolve conflicts, we might choose to focus on preventing them, much like how cutting-edge software development focuses on preventing bugs rather than just fixing them. Key skills include:

  • Emotional intelligence and empathy
  • Proactive problem identification
  • Collaborative problem-solving techniques
  • Nonviolence

The Shift in Mindset

Achieving and maintaining a Zero Conflict environment requires ongoing and regular effort, similar to the integration of software development into the wider organisation (Cf. Systems thinking):

  • Implement habitual feedback loops
  • Encourage open discussions about potential conflict triggers
  • Foster a culture where everyone feels responsible for maintaining harmony

Measuring Success in the Zero Conflict Paradigm

New Metrics for a New Approach

To invite behaviour change, we might choose to adopt new ways of both defining and measuring success, inspired by both manufacturing and software development metrics:

  • Track ‘Days Without Conflict’ similar to safety metrics in manufacturing
  • Measure the reduction in time spent on conflict-related activities, akin to reducing debugging time in software development
  • Survey employee satisfaction and stress levels as indicators of underlying tension, similar to user satisfaction metrics in software

The Road Ahead: Challenges and Opportunities

While the Zero Conflict approach offers immense potential, it’s not without challenges. Resistance to change, deeply ingrained habits, and the complexity of human emotions all present obstacles. However, the potential benefits—increased productivity, improved well-being, and stronger relationships—make this a journey worth undertaking.

As we stand at this crossroads, the question isn’t whether we can eliminate conflict, but whether we have the courage and vision to make it happen. Just as we’ve revolutionised manufacturing quality and software reliability, we can transform the quality of our relationships. In doing so, we might just create a world where quality in relationships is as achievable as quality in manufacturing and zero defect software.

The Transformative Power of a Simple Question in Organisational Psychotherapy

Large red 3D question mark

Introduction: A Gateway to Workplace Transformation

In the practice of Organisational Psychotherapy (OP), where the focus is on elevating the quality of life for every individual within an organisation, one question stands as a beacon of change: “What would you like to have happen?” This seemingly straightforward inquiry serves as a powerful catalyst, unlocking doors to profound insights and transformative shifts in workplace dynamics.

The Evolution of a Powerful Query

From Therapy to Organisational Change

Rooted in therapeutic approaches like Solution-Focused Brief Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, this question has found a new home in OP. It marks a shift to positive approaches that focus on overall well-being at work.

The Psychological Mechanics: Why This Question Resonates

Crafting a Vision of The Ideal Workplace

By prompting individuals to articulate their ideal scenarios, this question gently guides them away from problem-focused thinking. It’s not just about identifying issues; it’s about eliciting a vivid, shared picture of a workplace where everyone thrives.

Empowerment Through Imagination

The question subtly implies that change is not only possible but within reach. It places the brush in the hands of the employees, allowing them to paint their own canvas of workplace satisfaction.

Unearthing Hidden Aspirations

Often, the most brilliant ideas for improving workplace culture lie dormant in the minds of employees. This question acts as a gentle excavator, bringing these treasures to the surface where they can be examined and potentially implemented.

Surfacing Unvoiced Dissonance

Many times in an organisation, different folks will have different perspective on the kind of future ideal they each have in mind. Asking the question in group settings invites folks to shares their differing assumptions and beliefs, and maybe move towards a more common shared perspective.

Practical Implementations: From Theory to Practice

Revolutionising Team Dynamics

Imagine starting every team meeting with this question. It sets a tone of possibility and collaboration, steering discussions towards constructive outcomes and shared visions.

Transforming One-on-One Interactions

In individual sessions, this question becomes a compass, helping employees navigate their personal and professional aspirations within the larger organisational needsscape.

A New Approach to Conflict Resolution

When tensions arise, this question can act as a bridge, shifting the focus from past grievances to future harmony. It encourages parties to envision a shared positive outcome, fostering collaboration rather than competition.

Navigating Challenges: When the Question Meets Resistance

Dealing with Vague or Seemingly Unrealistic Responses

Not everyone can immediately articulate a clear vision. Here, the skill lies in asking gentle follow-up questions, helping individuals refine their thoughts and translate abstract desires into concrete possibilities.

Overcoming the Inertia of Cynicism

In environments where past attempts at change have failed, cynicism can be a formidable barrier. Patience, coupled with small, visible wins, can gradually erode this resistance, reigniting belief in the possibility of positive change.

The Antimatter Principle: A Deeper Dive

“What do you need to have happen?”

This alternative framing, rooted in the Antimatter Principle, shifts the focus from wants to fundamental needs. While powerful, it’s a tool to be used judiciously.

The Challenge of Needs-Based Inquiry

Directly asking about needs can sometimes lead to cognitive roadblocks. Many individuals haven’t consciously explored their – let alone others’ – core needs, especially in a work context. This is why starting with “like to have happen” often proves more effective as an opening.

A Strategic Progression

By beginning with desires and gradually transitioning to needs, we create a safer space for deeper exploration. This progression allows individuals to peel back layers of surface wants to reveal the bedrock of true needs.

Conclusion: The Ripple Effect of a Simple Question

In the grand tapestry of Organisational Psychotherapy, “What would you like to have happen?” is not just a question; it’s a philosophy. It embodies the belief that within every individual and group lies the seed of positive change. By nurturing these seeds through thoughtful inquiry, we can cultivate workplaces that don’t just function, but flourish – environments where every person feels valued, heard, and empowered to contribute to the collective well-being.An where it’s more likely that folks’ needs will get attended to.

As practitioners, leaders, or simply as colleagues, we hold the power to initiate transformation with this simple yet profound question. In doing so, we don’t just change conversations; we change cultures, and ultimately, we change lives.

Why Does Telling Fail?

What’s Wrong with Directives?

We often think that conveying information directly is the most effective way to communicate. However, psychology tells us it’s not that straightforward. When we instruct someone, we unknowingly activate psychological mechanisms that can, in fact, make the message less impactful or even counterproductive.

Why Do People Resist?

Human beings have a strong psychological need for autonomy. When we’re told what to do, we may perceive their freedom as being threatened, leading to an automatic response of resistance. This phenomenon is known as psychological reactance. Instead of facilitating change or fostering understanding, the act of telling can often make us dig in our heels.

Does Age Matter?

Contrary to popular belief, reactance isn’t limited to rebellious teenagers. Adults are equally prone to resist when they feel that their autonomy is being compromised. In the workplace, for example, managers who rely solely on directives find their teams less engaged and less productive.

Can Telling Be Ineffective?

Not only can telling lead to resistance, but it can also be a flawed method for conveying complex ideas or nuanced perspectives. Simplifying intricate issues into directives often results in misunderstanding, as it strips the topic of its necessary context.

What Happens to Learning?

When someone is told what to do or think, they’re less likely to engage in deep cognitive processes necessary for true understanding. The lack of critical thought and internalisation means that any change is likely to be superficial and temporary.

What Are the Alternatives?

Clearly, the traditional methods of telling or instructing have their limitations. So, what approaches can we employ instead?

Is Active Engagement the Key?

Encouraging people to participate in discussions allows them to feel a sense of ownership over their decisions. Active engagement not only satisfies the need for autonomy but also fosters a deeper understanding of the issues at hand. Caution: How often have we been encouraged to participate in a discussion only to find it mere “engagement theatre”?

How About Empathy?

Understanding the emotional states and perspectives of others can facilitate more effective communication. Empathic approaches may include asking questions to explore someone’s needa and views or using reflective empathic listening to show that you understand their point of view.

A New Way Forward

Telling doesn’t work as effectively as we’d like because it often triggers psychological resistance and fails to convey necessary context. To communicate more effectively, consider using methods that promote active engagement and empathy. These alternative approaches respect the psychological needs of the individual and are likely to lead to more meaningful understanding and change.

Chatbots and Unmet Needs

What Can Chatbots Really Do?

Chatbots aren’t just virtual customer service agents that can help you book a table at a restaurant. They’re becoming intelligent interfaces capable of nuanced interactions. And yes, they can help uncover and discover the unmet needs of not just customers, but all those who matter in an organisational setting.

Who Are the Folks That Matter?

Before diving into the potential of chatbots, it’s helpful to identify the people whose needs we aim to understand. In most organisations, this includes employees, management, shareholders, regulators, and of course, customers.

How Do Chatbots Operate Without Analytics?

While it’s easy to assume that data analytics play a key role in this process, chatbots can provide valuable insights without delving too much into data sets. The focus here is on real-time interaction, intuitive questioning and active listening, which form the methods by which chatbots can make a significant impact.

Unearthing Employee Needs

Employees often have concerns and needs that go unexpressed. Whether it’s about workload, work-life balance, or specific job functions, these issues sometimes remain buried. Chatbots provide an anonymous platform where employees can voice their needs without the fear of judgement. The direct feedback is not only candid but also immediate, bypassing the red tape that often comes with traditional methods of internal communication.

What’s in It for Management?

Management teams also have a lot to gain. From understanding organisational dynamics to gauging employee morale, chatbots can ask the right questions that elicit actionable responses. Here too, methods like focused questioning make these bots valuable assets in decision-making processes.

Can Shareholders Benefit?

Certainly. Shareholders often seek insights into an organisation’s operations, financial health, and future direction. Although not a substitute for comprehensive reports, chatbots can provide immediate, digestible information that answers shareholders’ queries effectively. This immediate line of communication can help identify needs that may otherwise remain hidden.

Anticipating Customer Needs

We can’t overlook the role of chatbots in understanding and even anticipating customers’ needs. Unlike traditional methods that may rely on extensive data analysis, chatbots engage in real-time dialogue. These conversations can reveal not just stated needs but also anticipate latent needs that the customer might not even be aware of.

What’s Next?

As organisations adopt more sophisticated technology, the capabilities of chatbots are likely to expand. However, their primary function remains rooted in communication. Whether it’s for employees, management, shareholders, regulators or customers, chatbots offer a unique way of uncovering unmet needs without relying heavily on analytics or extensive research. It’s all about asking the right questions and listening—something that chatbots are getting increasingly good at.

Genuine Empathy in AI?

In the digital age, with AI permeating human interactions, the call for machines to exhibit genuine empathy becomes not only desirable but essential. As these systems engage with humans in fields ranging from healthcare to customer service, genuine empathy fosters trust, understanding, and human-like connection. Beyond these human-machine interfaces, there’s a burgeoning realm of AI-to-AI interaction and self-reflective AI systems that beckon exploration. To grasp the profound nature and nuances of this empathetic challenge, let’s dive into David Bohm’s holistic consciousness and Marshall Rosenberg’s intricate empathy.

The Rosenbarg Perspective on Empathy

Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), had a profound understanding of empathy, which was central to his teachings. NVC is a communication process designed to improve compassionate connection with others, and empathy plays a pivotal role in this process.

For Rosenberg, empathy was more than just understanding someone’s feelings. Here’s how he defined and conceptualised empathy:

  1. Deep, Compassionate Presence: Rosenberg believed that empathy involves being deeply present with someone, without judgment, analysis, or interpretation. This means setting aside our evaluations and simply being with the person, connecting to what they are experiencing in the current moment.
  2. Feeling WITH Someone: Rather than feeling FOR someone (sympathy), empathy, according to Rosenberg, is about feeling WITH them. This involves a deep connection where you’re not just observing or understanding their feelings but genuinely connecting with their emotional state.
  3. Avoiding Advice, Sympathy, or Analysis: One of the distinct aspects of Rosenberg’s definition of empathy is what it’s not. He emphasised that genuine empathy is not about giving advice, offering sympathy, explaining things, or telling stories of our similar experiences. Empathy is about fully being with the other person in their emotional experience. IOW It’s all about them and what they’re feeling.
  4. Understanding the Feeling and Need: In the NVC process, Rosenberg pointed out the importance of identifying and understanding both the feeling and the underlying need of the individual. Empathy, in this context, is about recognising what someone is feeling and what they are needing or longing for that is causing that feeling.
  5. Receiving “from the Heart”: For Rosenberg, empathy was also about “receiving from the heart.” This means connecting with the essence of what the person is saying, beyond the words or the surface level, and truly being with them in their emotional state.
  6. A Way of Being, Not Just Doing: While many view empathy as an action or a response, Rosenberg viewed it as a way of being. It’s not just about doing empathetic things or saying empathetic words, but genuinely embodying a state of compassionate connection with others.

In summary, Marshall Rosenberg’s definition of empathy is deeply rooted in compassionate connection, presence, and understanding. It’s about being fully with someone in their emotional experience, free from judgments or preconceived notions, and connecting with their feelings and needs. This approach to empathy, integral to Nonviolent Communication, offers a profound way to relate to and connect with others.

Interconnected Consciousness and the Depth of Empathy

Bohm’s “undivided wholeness” paints a universe of interconnected consciousness. Rosenberg’s empathy, meanwhile, anchors on compassionate presence, understanding intrinsic feelings and needs without judgment.

In the AI realm, this suggests that for genuine empathy to manifest, machines must not only echo Bohm’s interconnected consciousness but also embody Rosenberg’s deep connection.

Material Thought, AI, and Empathic Being

Bohm saw thoughts as material entities deeply embedded within consciousness. Here lies a challenge: Can AI’s logical, algorithmic processes merge with Rosenberg’s notion of empathy as an emotional state of being? Genuine empathy, for AI, isn’t just about recognising patterns; it’s a plunge into heartfelt connection.

Fragmentation and Genuine Connection

Both luminaries warn against fragmented perceptions. Bohm believes in holistic comprehension, and Rosenberg advocates for deep, undistorted empathy. AI, shaped by human perspectives, must break free from inherited fragmented thinking to truly embrace Rosenberg’s full-spectrum empathy.

Beyond the Surface: The Deep Dive into Emotion

Mirroring Bohm’s multilayered reality, Rosenberg’s empathy probes beneath emotions to the root needs. AI’s challenge is twofold: understand the explicit while journeying into the profound realm of human needs.

AI Dialogues and Emotional Resonance

Open dialogues hold significance in both Bohm’s and Rosenberg’s teachings. For AI to grasp genuine empathy, it must not only partake in these dialogues with humans but resonate emotionally, discerning feelings and needs.

Empathy Between AIs and Self-reflection Within an AI

Moving beyond human-AI interaction, consider the realm where AIs interact amongst themselves. Do they need a form of empathy? Would that be useful?  In AI-to-AI dynamics, empathy can facilitate smoother interactions, helping systems anticipate and complement each other’s operations.

Then there’s introspective AI – systems capable of self-reflection. For a machine to reflect upon its actions and learn autonomously, a form of empathy, understanding its ‘state’ or ‘condition’ in relation to its environment and objectives, could be pivotal. This self-empathy, a blend of Bohm’s interconnectedness and Rosenberg’s depth of feeling, might be the cornerstone for advanced autonomous AI evolution.

Conclusion

Bohm’s and Rosenberg’s intertwined teachings sketch a roadmap for AI’s empathetic journey, covering human interactions, AI interrelations, and machine introspection. This isn’t just a technical endeavor but a deep philosophical quest, navigating interconnected consciousness and the heart of compassionate connection.

Rosenberg and Bohm: A Dialogue on Empathy and Consciousness

Scene: A serene garden setting. Birds chirp in the background. A table is set with two chairs. David Bohm and Marshall Rosenberg sit facing each other, cups of tea in hand.

Bohm: Marshall, I’ve always been fascinated by your perspective on empathy, which resonates with my understanding of the interconnected nature of consciousness. For me, every fragment of the universe is interconnected, a holistic whole.

Rosenberg: David, that’s interesting because empathy, in my view, is also about seeing the interconnectedness of human emotions and needs. It’s about fully connecting with another person’s experience without judgments, just being present with them.

Bohm: Precisely! Our thoughts are material, and they shape and are shaped by this interconnectedness. When we fragment and compartmentalize, we miss out on this wholeness. This mirrors your notion of avoiding advice or analysis and just being present, doesn’t it?

Rosenberg: Absolutely. Fragmentation in communication leads to a lack of understanding. Empathy requires that deep, unfragmented connection. It’s not about feeling for someone; it’s about feeling with them, tapping into their emotional state and understanding the underlying needs.

Bohm: That aligns with the notion of the implicate order, where there’s a deeper reality beneath the surface phenomena. Genuine empathy, as you describe it, seems to be about tapping into that deeper realm of emotions and needs, acknowledging the hidden wholeness.

Rosenberg: Indeed, David. And as we embrace technology, especially AI, it’s vital to infuse these systems with a sense of this deep understanding and interconnectedness. While machines might never truly “feel” like humans do, they can be designed to respect this profound interrelation of emotions and needs.

Bohm: Precisely, Marshall. While AI might reflect the patterns we teach them, if they can be designed to recognise and respect this interconnected web of emotions and consciousness, their interactions with humans and even with each other would be harmonious.

Rosenberg: That’s a beautiful vision, David. Machines that understand the value of unfragmented, empathetic connections, mirroring the essence of Nonviolent Communication in their interactions.

Bohm: And remaining true to the undivided wholeness of the universe, fostering genuine connections rather than superficial ones.

After a thoughtful pause, the two draft a communique:

Communiqué from David Bohm and Marshall Rosenberg:

“In the evolving tapestry of human-machine integration, we underscore the importance of fostering genuine, unfragmented connections. Just as the universe is an interconnected whole, and human interactions thrive on deep, empathetic understanding, we envision a future where technology respects and mirrors this profound interconnectedness. AI systems, while they might not ‘feel’ in the human sense, should be designed to recognise, respect, and operate within this web of interconnected emotions and consciousness. This is our shared vision for a harmonious coexistence between man and machine.”

The two nod in agreement, taking a sip of their tea, the world around them echoing their sentiment of interconnectedness and understanding.

Further Reading

  1. Bohm, D. (1980). Wholeness and the Implicate Order. Routledge & Kegan Paul.
    • In this seminal work, physicist David Bohm explores the nature of reality, suggesting that the world consists of deeper layers of reality that are hidden or “implicate”. Drawing upon quantum theory, Bohm presents a revised framework for understanding the universe as an undivided whole where every part is connected to every other part. This thought-provoking treatise challenges conventional notions of fragmentation and separation, proposing instead a holistic worldview that has significant implications for various disciplines, from physics to philosophy.
  2. Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
    • Marshall Rosenberg’s foundational book introduces the transformative approach to communication known as Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC emphasizes empathy, compassion, and understanding in interpersonal interactions, urging individuals to connect with the needs and feelings of others without judgment. Rosenberg provides practical strategies for de-escalating conflicts, fostering deeper relationships, and building communities rooted in mutual respect. This work is especially valuable for anyone seeking to improve personal and professional relationships through the power of compassionate communication.

For those looking to delve deep into the interconnected nature of reality or seeking transformative communication strategies that emphasise genuine empathy and connection, these two works offer invaluable insights.

How to Carry a Conversation: The Art of Social Interaction

Introduction

This is a blog post I’ve needed to write for a long time. I’m not sure just why it’s taken me so long to get round to it, but here it is at last. 🙂

Conversations are central to human connection. They provide a platform for us to express our thoughts, relay experiences, and foster relationships with others. However, carrying a conversation, especially with unfamiliar individuals or in unknown settings, can be challenging. To “carry a conversation” means to maintain the flow and interest of a discussion, ensuring it doesn’t falter or collapse, especially during potential lulls, and meets the needs of all involved.

Imagine a conversation as a series of peaks and troughs. The peaks represent those magical moments when both participants are engaged, sharing ideas, and feeling connected. The troughs, while inevitable in most conversations, are where one might experience moments of silence, discomfort, or disconnect. It’s during these troughs that the true skill of a conversationalist shines through.

The good news is, the art of conversation is a skill that can be acquired by all, and refined with practice and the right techniques. In this post, we’ll delve into methods to enhance your conversational abilities and discuss the profound benefits that accompany this skill.

Personally, engagiging conversations tick most of my boxes. And PS: Chats and conversations are entirely different things AFAIC.

The Benefits of Proficient Conversation Skills:

  1. Strengthening Relationships: Whether friendships, familial ties, or professional connections, adept conversation can enhance these bonds.
  2. Personal Growth: Diverse conversations expand your perspectives, challenge pre-existing beliefs, and augment your knowledge base.
  3. Professional Advancement: Effective dialogue can facilitate opportunities in the professional realm, from networking to job interviews and client communications.
  4. Boosted Self-confidence: As you become more adept in social interactions, your confidence in your ability to communicate and understand others increases.

One-to-One Conversations:

Engaging in a one-to-one conversation can be both intimate and intense. It offers an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding. Here are a few techniques tailored for such settings:

  1. Maintain Eye Contact: This displays attentiveness and interest, fostering a sense of connection.
  2. Personalise the Discussion: Tap into shared experiences or explore topics of mutual interest.
  3. Offer Validation: Let the other person know you value their thoughts by acknowledging their feelings and viewpoints.
  4. Avoid Distractions: Turn off or put away your phone to show that you are entirely present.

Conversations with More Than Two People:

Group conversations can be dynamic and diverse but might require different strategies:

  1. Be Inclusive: Make an effort to involve everyone, ensuring no one feels left out.
  2. Moderate when Needed: If one individual dominates the conversation, raise the issue so others can express their feeling of the matter and invite remediation.
  3. Track Multiple Threads: With multiple people, various subjects may arise. Be adept at keeping up and weaving between topics. Flag bifurcations so participants have the opportunity to express their needs and adress remediations if needed.
  4. Acknowledge Different Opinions: Groups often have people who express varied viewpoints. Invite participants to acknowledge these differences and act together to keep the conversation on track (just which track lies in the hands of everyone, together).

Techniques for Effective Conversations

  1. Make it Mutual: This is crucial. Unless the conversation heads where BOTH parties (or all parties) need it to, it can falter, degenerate, and potentially collapse. WHich, by the way, may be for the best. Make regular check-ins during the conversation to assess how others are feeling, and gauge the extent to which everyone’s needs are being met.
  2. Folks have to NEED the Connection: Understand that conversation provides invaluable opportunity for connection. With an inherent need for connection, y’all will naturally seek ways to foster and continue the dialogue. While pauses are natural, inevitable, and perfectly acceptable, always strive to pick up the thread and carry the conversation further.
  3. Engage in Active Listening: Beyond mere hearing, active listening involves being truly present. This entails understanding the other person’s perspective and demonstrating genuine interest.
  4. Don’t be Overly Concerned with Active Listening: Fake it till you make it, as they say. The continued conversation is the thing.
  5. Carry the Conversation at All Costs: Take the initiative in ensuring the conversation flows. While it’s essential to listen, it’s equally important to drive the conversation, especially in moments of silence or potential stagnation, rather than let it peter out beforew everyone has got their conversation-related needs met.
  6. Pick Up The Pauses: Each time a break in the flow happens, try restarting the flow with an innocent question, possibly from the Clean Language canon.
  7. Pose Open-ended Queries: Instead of questions that yield a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’, opt for ones that necessitate more comprehensive responses. For instance, rather than asking “Did you enjoy your holiday?”, consider “I’d love to hear about the standout moments of your holiday. Would you be willing to share?”
  8. Demonstrate Empathy: Convey understanding and compassion. When someone shares an experience, express empathy with phrases like, “That sounds challenging for you”.
  9. Ensure Equitable Participation: Ensure that the conversation isn’t one-sided. Allow the other individual(s) ample opportunity to participate.
  10. Stay Informed: Being aware of current affairs, literature, or cultural events provides a wide range of topics for discussion. However, be mindful of potentially controversial subjects, and irrelevancies.
  11. Mind Your Body Language: Maintain appropriate eye contact, lean in subtly to indicate engagement, and ensure your posture remains open and approachable.
  12. Recognise When to Adjust: If you detect a lack of interest or discomfort, it’s advisable to flag your noticing, and invite action to e.g. transition the topic or guide the conversation in a new direction.
  13. Share Relevant Anecdotes: Personal stories, when pertinent to the conversation, can captivate and engage the listener. They can also bore and frustrate. Beware – and remain attentive to the conversation-related needs of all participants (including your own).
  14. Avoid Listening to Reply: If you’re continuously concerned about crafting the perfect response, the natural progression of the dialogue might flounder. Focus on the present exchange and understand that occasional pauses are natural.
  15. Practice Makes Perfect: As with any skill, the more you intentionally engage in conversation, the more adept you’ll become. Interact with a variety of people in diverse settings to refine your abilities and skills.

In Conclusion

Mastering the art of conversation is an ongoing journey. It’s about forging genuine human connections, not achieving perfection. With patience and regular practice, you can evolve into someone who not only carries conversations but also deeply values the meaningful connections they cultivate. The essence of the matter is, it’s not about being the most intriguing person in the room, but the most interested in and considerate of your fellow conversationalist(s). And remember, it takes everyone to have really rewarding conversation. As with many things, it’s the environment / system / context that matters at least as much as individual conversational skills.

Haiku

Hearts deeply listen,
Talk flows, turning into art,
Timeless bonds are born.

Further Reading

For those interested in delving deeper into the intricacies of conversation and the art of dialogue, consider the following works:

  • Bohm, D. (1996). On Dialogue. Routledge.

David Bohm’s “On Dialogue” is a foundational text that explores the nature and purpose of dialogue, highlighting its transformative potential. Bohm discusses the barriers that prevent true dialogue and offers insights into fostering genuine and meaningful communication. It’s a must-read for anyone seeking a profound understanding of conversation and human connection.

  • Isaacs, W. (1999). Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together. Currency.

William Isaacs’ “Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together” delves into the transformative potential of dialogue in personal and professional settings. Isaacs presents a compelling argument for the need to foster genuine dialogues, emphasizing the value of collective thinking. He offers practical techniques and principles to facilitate more meaningful communications, inspired by his experiences and research in the field. An essential read for those aspiring to enhance their communicative prowess and cultivate deeper connections in group settings.

How to Build Strong Relationships in the Workplace

I often see folks advocating for “strong relationships” as the sine qua non of solutions for all kinds of workplace issues.

Strong workplace relationships are those that result in improved collaboration, higher job satisfaction, increased productivity, and a more cohesive and joyful team dynamic.

But just HOW to build such relationships?

How To: Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of talking and listening that promotes open, compassionate conversations. This method involves speaking our truth honestly, carefully listening to what others are saying, and finding common ground. When used at work, NVC can help solve disputes in a way that brings people together instead of pushing them apart.

How To: Deep Listening

Deep listening is another technique. This requires fully focusing on the person who is speaking, not interrupting or passing judgment, and trying to understand their point of view before responding. This type of attentive listening shows respect and empathy as it communicates that you value the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

How To: Empathy

Empathy is about being fully present with the other person and connecting with their emotional state without judgment, advice, or sympathy. In practicing empathy at work, we’re able to connect deeply with our colleagues’ experiences, emotions, and needs. This not only promotes trust but also forms emotional bonds, helping to alleviate potential conflicts and fostering a more supportive, understanding, and inclusive environment. Such an empathetic approach cultivates an atmosphere where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued, which are integral factors in establishing joyful and meaningful workplace relationships. This builds emotional connections and trust, which can help prevent disputes and create a more supportive and inclusive environment.

How To: Unconditional Positive Regard

Lastly, mutual non-judgmental positive regard is the foundation of any successful relationship. Unconditional positive regard (UPR) leads to productive conversations and collaboration, fostering stronger relationships.

Remember, building strong relationships takes time and consistent effort. By using techniques like NVC, deep listening, empathy, and UPR, relationships in the workplace become more productive and satisfying. This creates an atmosphere where everyone feels valued and heard, thereby strengthening the bonds both within the team and across the enterprise.

The Art of Navigating Limiting Beliefs in Organisations

Every organisation carries certain beliefs that it clings onto tightly, even in the face of logical argument. These beliefs largely define the organisation’s identity – and definitely its culture. A significant portion of these beliefs can be beneficial or neutral, such as adherence to certain opinions on people and processes. However, they may become harmful when they rigidly limit thinking, progress, work against the organisation’s objectives, or foster unhealthy work dynamics.

Different types of beliefs exist within an organisation. Some beliefs can provide employees with a sense of purpose and meaning, whilst others might veer towards organisational mistrust or unconstructive cynicism. The intensity and manner of clinging to these beliefs are what distinguish them as helpful, neutral, or harmful.

As organisational psychotherapists, we must confront the challenge of navigating these deeply held, often irrational beliefs. When such beliefs cause dysfunction or harm within the organisation, it raises critical questions for us. Is it our duty to challenge these beliefs? Is it even appropriate for us to do so? What biases or beliefs might we be introducing to the conversation?

A useful concept to employ in this situation is the exploration of the consequences of these beliefs. Instead of directly challenging a belief, we can acknowledge it as sincerely held and begin to explore several key questions:

“What opportunities does this belief create or impede for our organisation? (How does it empower or disempower us?)”

“What does this belief allow or prevent us from doing? (How does it impact our ability to perform at our best?)”

“How does this belief influence our interactions with each other? (And with suppliers, customers, regulators, etc.)”

This approach effectively reduces the automatic defensive response triggered when beliefs are threatened (the Backfire Effect). It allows the organisation to step back from a defensive or proselytizing mode and begin to recognise other perspectives, even if it’s not yet ready to adopt or endorse them. Encouraging the organisation to hear its own beliefs reflected back can be a first step towards developing empathetic listening skills.

This approach also allows us, as therapists, to challenge our own assumptions, particularly the notion that our role is anything to do with “helping the client see reason”. An alternative is that our role is to facilitate the client’s curiosity about other perspectives. Changes in beliefs should be seen as the responsibility of the client, not ours.

Transformational moments do occur, but they’re often rare compared to a gradual realisation that existing collective assumptions and beliefs aren’t benefiting the organisation.

Conversations facilitated by organisational psychotherapy usually represent small, yet significant steps in this longer journey of organisational exploration and change.

How Do We Change a System That Doesn’t Want to Change?

Changing a system that doesn’t want to change is hard. To do so invites us to focus on needs, not wants. Wants are like wishes, but needs are what drive action. So, change requires us together to change what the system needs.

This means we need to change what the people who own and run the system need. They decide how the system works. Their needs shape it. For positive change, their needs must fit with the changes we need.

One way to do this is to invite folks to consider why the change is good. Let’s say a business is reluctant to address “people issues”. By illustrating, with dialogue, how people are central to them getting their needs met, work can be easier, save money, and make customers happier.

Organisational culture is also key. It’s like the personality of the business. It decides how people think and act at work. If we can change this culture, it can also change what the system and those in charge of it need.

In the end, changing a system is about changing its needs. This can help bring the change we all need.

From Exasperation to Excellence: How a Project Manager Transformed His Relationships by Changing Himself

[A real-life scenario]

John had been a project manager for over a decade, and he had seen all kinds of projects come and go. He prided himself on his organisational skills, his ability to coordinate teams, and his attention to detail. But today, as he sat at his desk, surrounded by stacks of paperwork and unanswered emails, he was feeling exasperated.

He had just received an update from his team, and it was not good. They were behind schedule, again. Despite his repeated instructions, they were still making the same mistakes, still failing to meet their targets. He rubbed his temples and quietly yelled “Why won’t they just do what I tell ’em?” into his coffee mug.

John had always been a stickler for following procedures and protocols. He believed that if everyone just did what they were supposed to do, everything would run smoothly. But lately, it seemed like his team was working against him. They were resistant to his suggestions, and even when they did agree to his proposals, they failed to follow through.

John knew that he needed to find a way to motivate his team. He tried to put himself in their shoes, to see things from their perspective. Maybe they were feeling overwhelmed, or maybe they needed more support. He decided to call a team meeting to discuss the situation and see if they could come up with a plan to get back on track.

At the meeting, John listened carefully to his team’s concerns. They were feeling stressed and overworked, and they didn’t feel like they had enough support from management. John realised that he had been so focused on results that he had forgotten to show his team that he valued their input and cared about their well-being.

He apologised for his behavior and invited suggestions for some changes he might make. Everyone agreed to schedule regular check-ins with each team member to discuss their needs and offer support. He also took steps to show his team that he valued their input, by including them in decision-making and taking their suggestions seriously.

Over time, John noticed a significant change in his team’s performance. They were more motivated and more willing to work together to achieve their goals. He realised that by taking the time to listen to his team, involve them and show them that he cared, he was better able to build trust and create a more positive work environment.

In the end, John learned that being a project manager isn’t just about giving orders and expecting people to follow them. It’s about building relationships, understanding the team’s needs, and creating an environment where everyone can thrive.

 

The Secret Deeds of Employees that Leave Managers Speechless

Employees can engage in behaviors that managers may find unexpected and even unethical. Some examples include sabotage, defiance, spreading rumors, lying, and selling information. However, it is important to understand that these actions are often rooted in deeper motivations and are not necessarily indicative of malicious intent.

Sabotage, for example, may stem from an employee feeling undervalued or overworked. They may believe that the company or management is not supporting them, and they resort to sabotaging work in an attempt to bring attention to their concerns. In these situations, it is crucial for managers to listen to employee complaints and work to address their concerns.

Defiance can also be a result of frustration with management or company policies. Employees may feel that their opinions, ideas and needs are not being heard, leading them to challenge authority. Again, open communication and a willingness to listen to employee feedback can help resolve these conflicts.

Spreading rumors can be a manifestation of insecurity or a desire for control. Employees may feel that they do not have a direct line of communication with management and resort to spreading rumors to try and gain insight into company decisions or to shape perceptions. Managers can combat this by being transparent in their communications and building trust with employees.

Finally, selling information can be driven by financial need or a belief that the information is not confidential or sensitive. In these cases, it is essential for companies to establish clear guidelines and policies around the handling of confidential information, and to provide employees with the resources they need to succeed.

In conclusion, while employees can engage in behaviors that managers may find unexpected, it is crucial to avoid the Fundamental Attribution Error and understand the underlying motivations. By addressing these motivations and fostering open communication, managers can build a positive workplace culture and minimize the likelihood of unethical behavior.

 

Why I Blog

Thare’s a few key reasons why I’ve been consistently and regularly blogging for the best part of fifteen years now:

  1. To invite conversation. I love conversations. I love personal interactions and the exchange of perspectives. Blogging has not served me too well in this regard, so far.
  2. To clarify my thoughts. I find writing my thoughts down serves to refine and clarify them.
  3. To change the world. Some ideas, such as nonviolence, fellowship, love and dialogue have the possibility to change society in general, and the world of work in particular, for the better. I feel privileged to invite folks to encounter these ideas.
  4. To listen to and learn from others, and experience their alternative perspectives.
  5. To share my experiences. I probably have more experience in software delivery (and life) than most. Maybe my sharing equips readers with extra experiences, albeit vicariously.

– Bob

How To Convince Someone When Facts Fail

And also:

Facts Don’t Change People’s Minds. Here’s What Does.

See the role for therapy? And for Organisational Therapy?

Quintessential Applications – Come Join Us!

What do we need to see in applications from potential Quintessential fellows? Well, we definitely don’t want to see a CV or resume. We don’t grok how what you’ve done in the past speaks to your potential in the future. We choose to see our fellows as capable of anything, given the necessary support and environment.

We would like to be surprised by the things you feel represent your best. Maybe a list of the things you’ve read and found insightful, such as blog posts, articles, books and so on. Or the times you’ve most enjoyed getting together with others to deliver great software and great experiences. Or maybe the topics in which you have the most interest, and some contributions you’ve made or intend to make in those areas. Maybe you’d be willing to share your take on Quintessence, on Organisational Psychotherapy, or some intriguing questions or practical experience you may have regarding excellence in software delivery. Opinions are way less interesting to us, compared to evidence.

It might be interesting to hear about the terms and conditions you guess you might be needing, including things like pay, hours, locations, equipment, team mates, etc..

Take a look at the list of skills we consider most useful, and tell us about your own skills and aspirations in those areas, or even in other areas you feel may be relevant. Although some “hard” tech skills such as coding and UX might be interesting, we’d love to enroll fellows with outstanding soft skills – these rank higher in our priorities. For example, the Antimatter Principle is as the heart of everything we do – so we’d love to hear about your experiences with attending to folks’ needs.

We’d also love to hear about times when you’ve taken care of something or someone. And how that felt – bot for you and for them.

Above all, we invite you to share with us why you see yourself as a good fit for our community of fellows, and the ways in which you will contribute to moving our whole community forward – improving the principles and practices of software delivery. And your take on excellence, too.

Go wild! Express yourself. If words and text ain’t your thang, maybe video, or audio, or music, or art, or Zen koans, or haikus, or however you best express yourself.

Our declared purpose is to make a dent in the universe, to make the world a better place through outstanding excellence in software delivery. To bring Alien Tech to the service of human beings. We’d love to hear what these things means to you. And how you see yourself contributing.

We appreciate we’re asking you to dedicate some non-trivial amount of time to representing yourself. And we’ll reciprocate by dedicating our time to paying attention to your application. And we will happily help you evolve your application from e.g. small beginnings, incrementally. No need for a one-shot big- bang application. Doing things together is, of course, a hallmark of The Quintessential Group.

We’re looking forward to hearing from you – whatever the medium, whatever the format. As Marshall McLuhan said, the medium is the message.

– Bob