stephaniebcl and I had a very nice weekend, even though both of us got very, very sick. The weekend got off to an early start Thursday, when Nesh invited us to her house for a late poly family Thanksgiving dinner. The food was yummy, and StephanieBCl and I very much enjoyed hanging out with Nesh, her husband, her boyfriend, her girlfriend, her girlfriend’s husband, and her kids.

I started to feel sick after dinner. At first I thought it was something I ate (an allergic reation, not something wrong with Nesh’s food), but when I still was feeling terrible the next day I went to the doctor, who determined that I’d caught a stomach flu. Since I felt so bad I took that day and the next off work, and StephanieBCl took care of me. I couldn’t do much, so we snuggled up as best I could and watched Buffy when I was awake.

By Saturday night I was starting to feel better, and since the doctor said I was no longer contagious, StephanieBCl and I went to the Indy Poly Meetup Holiday Party at lildomino and hotarugirl's. There were a ton of people from out of town there, and I was especially happy to see Behu, who lives in Chicago. I also got to hang out with pandara, who was there with her new lover. I enjoyed myself muchly and had a great time.

By Sunday StephanieBCl had started to get sick, so it was my turn to take care of her. We skipped our plans to go to the circus and spend the night with Lildomino, and instead stayed in and watched more Buffy. I felt bad because I was obviously the one who got StephanieBCl sick, but I was glad at least that I was free to take care of her. Even though we spent the weekend sick, it was good to have quiet much needed-time together.

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On this day three years ago, Pandara and I met for coffee at Perkins. We’d met at Poly Meetup, and I’d used the fact that we’re both into roleplaying games as an excuse to get her email address (obstensively so I could add her to my gaming mailing list). We started talking, and on August 21st we met at Perkins for coffee.

I talked about my girlfriends and my poly situation, and in my nervousness I'm sure I blathered quite a bit. I figured by the end of our date I'd completely scared her off, but when I walked her out to her car she gave me a whopper of a first kiss. Even though I thought my live was too full for another girlfriend, our chemistry was undeniable.

Three years later, we're still together. Happy anniversary, Pandara!

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Poly Mom posted a poly history, and I thought maybe I should do the
same since I get asked about it a lot. Those that know me IRL have
probably heard all this before, so feel free to skim or skip entirely.
B)

I’ve always been polyamorous in the sense that being in love with one
person didn’t keep me from falling for someone else. For the longest
time I tried not to act on these feelings, and wound up guilty and
hating myself for “emotionally cheating.” After my first relationship
ended, I resented the “paths not taken” when I was with my first
lover… and that made it a LOT more difficult to resist enticement in
later relationships, because I no longer naively believed that each
one was “forever.”

I felt my choices were cheating or resentment, and I oscillated
between one and the other depending on my level of temptation and
self-control. It wasn’t until college, hanging out at the BDSM club
Dominion that I met other poly people and realized there was an actual
ethical honest framework where one could have open relationships
without the lying and self-loathing. Of course, the one person I
started dating from the club was monogamous, so I had to wait to put
these ideas into practice.

Eventually the desire to date other people broke up that relationship,
and I was free to try this whole “ethical polyamory” thing. At first
I was *really bad* at it – I’d gotten used to hiding things from
lovers, and my desire for non-confrontation made it difficult to bring
up potentially painful subjects like other partners. I was afraid
being open about my non-monogamy would cause me to lose potential love
interests, so I wasn’t as up-front as I should have been. In short I
made a real mess of things.

Only through agonizing, excruciating mistakes did I eventually learn
it’s far better, long-term, to be as honest as possible in the
beginning, rather than wait until secrets are eventually discovered
(as they ALWAYS are). It’s not easy – I’m still conflict-avoidant,
but I has gotten easier for me to bring up painful subjects, knowing
that my needs will be heard and that there’s a chance, through
compromise, that I can get a form of what I want.

My fear of losing potential partners hasn’t been that much of an
issue, either. Sure, there are a few people who run screaming when
they hear how many people I’m dating, but far more often I’m the one
that has to turn away gorgeous, wonderful women because I’m just too
poly-saturated. I still make mistakes – bigguns! – but I try to learn
from them, and make new mistakes next time rather than just repeat the
old ones endlessly.

I’m blessed right now with five incredibly fantastic, patient
girlfriends who get along with each other (most of the time) and
support me and my relationship fumbling. I realized too late that
really I can’t competently handle more than three attachments at a
time, but I’m not willing to give anyone up, so I need to find a way
to make my current situation work. I’ve also realized there is NO
SUCH THING as a low-maintenance relationship – every one I’ve tried
has turned into full-fledged dating, or drifted away.

I’m in therapy right now, and my counselor is big on boundaries and
communication. So, with luck this will help me with the problems I
have now, and help me prevent more in the future. I’ll keep you
posted.

Sounds like a good book, and a great
camping experience:


http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2010/08/sex-at-dawn-new-culture-and-roots-of.html

This weekend I celebrated my one-year anniversary with stephaniebcl.
Since we had a very long courtship, we’re not really sure when we
officially started dating (as opposed to just hanging out as friends),
so we picked this past weekend even if it’s technically a little
early (we didn't officially start dating 'til the end of last year).  I had a magnificent time with her, and it was wonderful to be
able to spend a lot of time together just relaxing and being alone as
a couple.

StephanieBCl and I didn’t spend all weekend alone, however.
StephanieBCl wanted to start the weekend off with dinner and snuggle
time with our entire poly family, so Friday after work I picked up
icespark and we met lildomino, hotarugirl, pandara, and StephanieBCl
at an Indian restaurant for dinner.  After dinner the six of us went
out for ice-cream, and then everyone went home and StephanieBCl and I
spent the night at her apartment.  We’d planned to actually spend more
time snuggling as a group, but it turned out nice to just have the
evening alone.

Saturday morning StephanieBCl let me sleep in before I joined her
downstairs for cartoons.  We watched Buster Keaton in One Week and then went out for brunch at der Führer’s
Dufour’s, where we had insanely yummy grilled-cheese sandwiches.  It
was getting late, so we put off the Children’s Museum until Sunday and
strolled around the Oldfields Lily House and Gardens‎ instead.  That
night we watched videos and read the first two chapters of Book Two of
Lost Girls.  Yay story time!  B)

Sunday StephanieBCl and I got out of bed earlier so we could make it
to the Children’s Museum with time to wander at our leisure.  We
checked out the Barbie exhibit (StephanieBCl’s a collector), and then
meandered around, catching the very last carousel ride of the day.  We
went to Perkins for dinner, and then went back to her house, where we
relaxed and I watched TV while she sewed a little bunny I’d bought her
at the museum.

StephanieBCl and I haven’t had many full weekends together, so the
leisurely pace of our “anniversary” was a delightful change.  I don’t
know if I’ll spend every Father’s Day alone with her, but for this
year it was very nice.  I had a horrible Monday, but I get to see
StephanieBCl again tonight, so I’m sure she can perform her usual
wonders with my mood.  I’m so lucky to have such a sweet, sexy young
woman like StephanieBCl as my girlfriend!

"This is so embarrassing.  We had never done that before, and now
she's in the hospital, and my cat's dead."
(said a name-withheld New York City man in January, after he and
a neighbor decided to have sex but then accidentally ignited a
comforter with a candle, starting a major fire in his apartment)

Last week was nice. I got to skate again since my ankle healed from Thanksgiving, and I got to spend geek time with my friends and quiet time with my girlfriends. I also chose a derby name at last – Eye-Roll 20s. It combines derby with something about me (role-playing) and is a pun, as I feel all good derby names should (although my new mentor Dexter might disagree). I had some stress when our MUX disappeared for almost a week, but it is back up now so I can relax knowing I didn’t lose six month’s work.

( The boring detailsCollapse )

“Who'd like a cookie?”
-- Julian, Madagascar

Last week I was depressed and stressed most of the time. Losing lemur_lady and ona_tangent as girlfriends in the same week left me very melancholy and withdrawn all month. In Lemur_Lady’s case it’s mostly just a re-definition of the way things have progressed rather than an actual change in the nature of our relationship, but the rational part of my brain hadn’t had much luck of convincing my emotional center of that. Pleasantly, however, actually *seeing* Lemur_Lady this weekend helped things tremendously.

( the boring detailsCollapse )

"They're just a bunch of pansies."
[pause]
"Let's go meet the pansies!"
-- Julian, Madagascar

"Believe" in monogamy?  Like some people believe in fairies, Jesus, or Santa?

I believe monogamy works for some people, but it's never worked for me.  For a lot of years I felt really guilty about that, even when I was monogamous -- I'd still fall for other people, and even if I didn't act on it, I'd feel like I was "emotionally cheating."  I was so, so happy to discover there was an open, ethical way to go about having consensual non-monogamous relationships, and while I've certainly not worked out all the bugs yet, I'm much happier and have much less self-hatred than when I tried to force myself into a mold.

This weekend I talked to Cassiopia about the fact that she’s met a guy she likes who is monogamous. I told her if she needed to take a break with me to explore things with him, we could. I don’t want to give Cassiopia up, but I also think since she lives so far away it would be selfish to restrict her chances at a full-time local relationship to keep her available to me the four days a month we get to see each other.

Cassiopia thought it might not be fair to just say, “OK, never mind! Game on!” if things don’t out with New Guy. She’s concerned about treating me unfairly, especially with my recent troubles with Mishiell. However, Cassiopia has been up front with me about her needs and the problems she has with us long-term, and I don’t want her to feel pressure to “choose” him or me. I want her to be able to explore things without additional stress.

I’m trying to think of this in terms of win-win. If things work out with New Guy (or someone else later on), is happy, and I’ll still presumably get to do most everything I do with her now, minus the sex and maybe some of the snuggling, depending on New Guy’s comfort level. If things don’t work out, I’ll still get to date Cassiopia, and maybe she’ll feel less like I’m a restriction on her dating opportunities.

I had a very good weekend with Cassiopia. If this winds up being our last weekend together as a couple, it will be a nice bookend to our first nights together. While there, I tried to focus less on “I might lose Cassiopia” and more on, “If this is my last weekend with her, let me enjoy it fully so I can look back and smile.” If it turns out that Cassiopia and I only get two years together, I will try to be happy I had two years with such a wonderful woman.

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