Parenting Power – Ever had a job where you have no experience, no training, no instructions to follow, you weren’t allowed to quit, and people’s lives were at stake? Yep, it’s called being a parent. No doubt, the most important job we will ever have, and one of the hardest to do well. Naturally, we all want the best for our children – we want them to be happy, kind, successful, healthy. But with mental health cases in children rising rapidly…maybe it’s time to change the way we parent?
Where did you learn your accent from? Think about it for a second…
You learn it from the people you grow up with or are surrounded by. Have you ever spent sooo much time with someone that you end up picking up and hearing yourself say some of their favourite sayings? It’s a learned habit isn’t it. Well just like you learn to speak a certain way, you also copy the beliefs, attitudes, thinking styles and emotions of those around you from a young age. That is why, as a parent today, you might hear yourself using phrases your own parents used to say! Or if one of your parents used to overreact emotionally to certain situations, you are also likely to be an overly emotional person at times. It isn’t genetics per se, it is simply learned behaviours.
Now this is actually really interesting. If, in order to nurture happy, healthy children, we need parents who display helpful thinking habits and exert control over their own emotions, then the way we parent and the way society currently handles many of the challenges children face (anxiety, bed wetting, social anxiety, anger issues, perfectionism) is hugely flawed. Rather than waiting for a child to start showing the signs of struggling and then intervening with a strategy that is aimed directly at the child, wouldn’t we be better off equipping parents with the necessary skills to feel powerful and in control of their own beliefs, attitudes, emotions? Then they will KNOW exactly how to grow and guide their child to have a strong sense of self-efficacy over their lives.
Let’s take a deeper look.
We all know, or maybe ourselves have, children who bring us ‘challenges’:
- Babies who haven’t yet learned to roll over when the rest of the babies in your NCT group have been rolling for 6 weeks now (but what if mine really IS a slow developer?).
- Toddlers who tantrum and cause scenes in the middle of Tesco because funnily enough, it’s a legal requirement to pay for your raisins before you can enjoy them (we’ve all been there, right?).
- School-age children who have to be peeled off you, finger by finger, at the school gates each morning.
- Teenagers who have gone off the rails, fallen in with the wrong crowd, refuse to get out of bed or put zero effort in when it comes to their schooling.
We can be hellbent on trying to control them, fix them, get them to change their behaviour, encourage them to be something they are not – whilst well-meant (we really, really do want the best for our children) we are, unwillingly, parenting them through our own insecurities. Therefore it is not surprising that sayings such as ‘like mother like daughter’ often ring true – unknowingly we are passing our own limitations onto our children, even if think we aren’t.
I don’t know about you but anyone else sound like a broken record most mornings? “please can you do your teeth”, “have you done your teeth yet?”, “you can have your [bloomin’] raisins when you have done your teeth”, “CAN YOU GO AND DO YOUR TEETH!”. Now our immediate interpretation when our children fail to follow ‘the rules’ is that they are in the wrong so your frustration feels justified – it makes sense.
By finding a justifiable reason for your frustrations, you and your children genuinely believe that the lack of teeth brushing IS frustrating. It is though? Or could it be your interpretation of the situation that is the issue – your own self-judgement. Your own inner voice processing this situation through your own set of rules and expectations (your beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, emotions). The story running through your head might be something like: why don’t they ever listen, they have zero respect for me, I’m fed up of talking only to be ignored, why do I have to go through this every single morning…and so on. The real issue is that you feel threatened. Your authority and power as a parent, adult, person even, is being challenged and you don’t like the emotions you are creating for yourself as a result.
The knock-on effect on your children, whilst you are incorrectly blaming your frustration on them, is that they start to believe that they are in the wrong, that they can’t listen, that they are naughty. The seeds for their own beliefs / set of rules have been planted, and as they go through life they will actively seek out situations that back this up – it makes sense to them based on their viewpoint (it’s called confirmation bias). Their ensuing behaviour a few months / years down the line is therefore no surprise – it is entirely predictable – they are simply acting out what they believe to be true.
This may be a tough pill to swallow, and by no means is there any blame or guilt needed. It is actually a really empowering concept for a number of reasons:
- Habits are learned, therefore it is possible to change any habit within a matter of weeks when you know how, so don’t be stressing that you have created a monster, it’s all your fault, and that you’ve ruined your child’s life. For one, you can’t feel guilty for not knowing something, so turn any emotion into action – now that you know it, how are you going to act on it? Two, there are hundreds of testimonial videos here that show that anyone, at any age, can learn the skills to break out of any unhelpful thinking patterns and beliefs in a matter of weeks (we’ll happily show you how).
- Simply by changing your behaviour, you will have a profound effect on your children’s lives – a direct route into the development and sustainability of helpful beliefs, attitudes, thinking styles and emotions. How exciting is that? That’s all the parenting skills you need, right there.
There is no such thing as a ‘perfect parent’, but there is such a thing as a consciously aware parent – a parent who has self-insight and awareness into their own thoughts, behaviours, thinking patterns, and a skillset to respond to the ups and downs of everyday life in a powerful and calm way. Only with that understanding, are they able to pass your knowledge and skills on to your children. The Thrive Programme® equips you with everything you need to know to thrive through parenthood (and thereafter), and pass these vital life skills on to your beautiful children. If you want the best for them, throw yourself into our 6-week programme and your entire family could have a completely different outlook on life by Christmas!
Parenting Power – Written by Thrive Programme Coach® Lucy Wood
