Life – Time Management

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

Ah, yes, the most finite of resources. I find that like many people, I have far more I’d like to be doing than time to do it. I do find that my new life has created some slightly frustrating conflicts, though. Mainly related to balancing what I need to remain happy and functional with maintaining relationships and doing things I want to do.

This comes up because I’m at my happiest when engaging with novelty. Meeting new people. Visiting new places. Trying new restaurants. Engaging in new hobbies or activities. I thrive on novelty. To that end, it’s become normal and necessary for me to seek that out. I view it as self care, in a sense.

At the same time, I require stability, consistency, and routine. I wrote around the same time of day. I’m very vigilant regarding my sleep schedule. I actually lose interest in activities that are inconsistent or unreliable. My go-to example is the tabletop gaming group I was in. I enjoyed it well enough, but the constant delays and last minute scheduling eventually pushed me away. Why set aside my time for activities only to be left hanging week after week?

Another facet of that specific issue is who I choose to engage with. I emotionally drift away from people who are not consistently present and engaging in my life. Even people I want to talk to and spend time with, if not consistently responsive, will find that I’ve sought out other people and focused my attention on them. It feels selfish, but after several decades of waiting and investing time and attention for no return, I find my tolerance limited.

This is on my mind because I’m here trying to write posts, game with friends, attend events both new and old, and meet people, and am struggling to find the right balance among these things. I know it’ll get there eventually. Just need more time to run through and work out the details.

Y’all take care! 💖

Economics – Past Projects in Hindsight

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

Something I remember discussing recently with someone, though I remember not who, was my undergrad research paper on FFXIV’s market. It wasn’t necessarily about the game itself, but I’m a curious and inquisitive creature. Economists rely on ideas such as the law of supply of demand as a foundational concept.

My question was how do we confirm that. How do we take real data and model a real supply/demand curve rather than an abstract or theoretical one?

I did not succeed in my original paper. My approach was flawed, and though I had the right data, I wasn’t extracting the correct information from it.

See, I assumed that the supply was the sum total of all available options on the market. Even casting out the absurd outliers I could only assume were people listing items as storage, I could not model that data in a way that was useful or resembled what I expected. Not a problem necessarily, but even I found what I had insufficient.

Setting aside all the obvious flaws, I have considered what a better approach would be. If I were to isolate newly listed items, that would give me the supply for a given time period. My original data being daily. Likewise, any listings that disappeared would fall under demand. With enough listings and sales, you should be able to model a supply and demand curve for a given period.

I’m undecided on whether or not I want to actually devote my time to the project. I do live in a college town. I could dedicate time and effort to applying and transferring all my credits. I have less obligations than I did when I tagged out last time, so it’s theoretically possible.

What I haven’t decided is whether or not it’s worth my time and effort. There’s a certain swagger to the idea of a transfem economist, but that’s a notoriously conservative field, especially for someone questioning the underlying principles of the discipline. I know myself and it seems like a recipe for disillusionment.

I also consider that most of my life now revolves around chasing the things that bring me joy. It’s what motivates me to do anything, really. If I’m not enjoying it, then it’s taking resources while not increasing my enjoyment of life.

Either way. Y’all take care. Feel free to take my idea and run with it. Multiple independent studies are where it’s at.

BattleTech – A Diversion

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

So, this is a topic I haven’t really talked or thought about a lot. Honestly it wasn’t even on my radar until I moved to Iowa City. It was one of the first local tabletop groups I ran into and introduced myself to. The other, incidentally, being Star Wars Legion. Mostly because both groups run out of the closest local gaming store and I just happened to cross paths with them naturally.

That said, I think giant robots are a close second to spaceships for me.

I admittedly know little beyond some casual reading, though I did ask months ago where the best place to start was, and I finally picked up the Game of Armored Combat box. I figure if nothing else it’ll be something fun to paint and display with all my other nerdy stuff.

My experience with the tabletop game so far has been limited to the quick and abstract Alpha Strike. A very streamlined and pared down ruleset that’s relatively easy to pick up compared to the full game itself. I actually think it’s an excellent decision because it accomplishes exactly what it did with me. The ease of learning and shorter play times allow you to get a feel for what the game is without getting mired in tons of rules during a multi hour slugfest.

My one complaint would be that you need a little measuring tape and none of the boxes contain one. Nor does my local gaming store.

Funnily enough, I do own the PC game Battletech on GOG, I think. I’ve tried to play it a couple of times for the tactical mech action I used to get from the Front Mission games, but it never quite stuck. Perhaps it just wasn’t the right time yet, so it’s back on my list to play at some point. The fact that I have a tag set up for it means I’ve probably even written about it in the past. That would be a fun read to go back and find.

If nothing else I find it a nice little diversion for myself. Something that’s mine. Nobody else in my circle really touches it. Or if they do it hasn’t ever come up. So it functions as a side activity I can engage with exclusively on my own terms. An important part of sustaining my personal balance.

I may, eventually, remember to take pictures of things to add to these posts as well.

Y’all take care. Don’t let the world be like the BattleTech universe.

Polyamory – Compersion

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

So, I left myself a little note in one of my private journals because I wanted to follow up on a thought and was too busy and/or tired to write it out. I suppose I should start with what compersion is.

Compersion is the word used to describe the pleasure you feel when your partner is feeling joy. It’s normally used in the context of poly relationships to describe being happy that your partner is feeling pleasure with someone else.

One of my current hangups is that I definitely know what compersion feels like. I love seeing other people happy and joyful. That is, in fact, energizing for me. If you’re pumped, I’m pumped.

A complete lack of compersion has much the opposite effect. If you’re stoic and muted all the time, at best, then I have nothing to work with and lose interest quickly. I want to see people happy and excited. I rather need it.

Anyway, I say this for two reasons. The compersion I felt that made me leave the note was actually related to NPCs in FFXIV. This caught me a bit off guard, but seemed important enough at the time to evoke further comment. I believe this is because I usually do not experience it quite that strongly. I think of it as a very mild feeling most of the time. Enough that I often question if I’m actually feeling compersion, or just the logical awareness that I should be happy.

That’s a rabbit hole I don’t know if I want to go down right now. The logic v. feelings one, that is.

The point, to me, is that I did feel it, right? So I’m obviously capable of doing so. That’s been mentally flagged as new and critical information, because previously the question was a bit open. With that answer, though, I find additional questions and concerns about how strongly I’m not feeling it in other contexts.

I have a few ideas there. Perhaps it’s just a relationship status thing. As I currently consider myself single, there is nobody that meets the emotional criteria necessary for that reaction. I don’t like this option, though, as I’d love to feel compersion for my many poly friends. It’s a wonderful way to feel. Yet, on the whole, I do not.

The answer to this, I suspect, will reveal itself in its own time. I don’t feel anxiety over these questions, I just find them curious and internally inconsistent. I felt something novel and it piqued my curiosity just a bit.

Y’all take care! It occurs to me that the pleasure in seeing other people enjoy blogging is, in its way, compersion.

FFXIV – Leaving Endwalker and entering Dawntrail

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been plugging away at Endwalker for quite some time. I wrote a little last week about my impressions regarding the end of the main story itself, and its portrayal of despair. I quite liked that story and several aspects of it. I also found the patch content to be pretty solid as well, though it didn’t make as strong an impression.

I paused briefly between the two to finish off my HW-era relic. Something that has been on my to-do list for, well, quite a long time. My brother and I visited a different datacenter because we aren’t on the same one and many of them are locked right now. Once there we finished unlocking my Alexander Savage and ran A9S back to back at about 40 seconds per run unsynced.

Having done that I moved on to Dawntrail. I won’t say much, though I’m well behind the curve. Many people in my circle are well behind me story wise, not to mention how fresh the newest expansion is.

Insofar as I’ve experienced it. Not very much, I might add, I would say it feels like… Hildebrand the Expansion. Just in general tone and pacing. Not as absurd, but a step back from the super serious world-ending nature of the last few expansions.

Personally, I like it, but that’s because it meshes well with where I am in life right now. Relaxed. Casual. Dealing with life as it comes. A welcome break from all the crazy high stakes stuff I’ve been wrapped up in for some time. I’m certainly looking forward to seeing more of it, as time goes on.

Y’all take care!

polysecure – An Initial Impression

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

So I’ve been working my way through Jessica Fern’s polysecure for a few weeks now, and I’m about three quarters of the way through it and ready to start forming an opinion.

Overall, the book is about attachment theory and its applications to consensual non-monogamy. Typically referred to in passing as polyamory, but is a very broad category that includes but is not limited to polyamory. It was recommended to my roommate by her therapist, and I decided it was worth giving it a read myself.

Structurally it’s broken into three parts. The first is about attachment theory itself and the spectrums, labels, and applications of. This caused a bit of emotional distress for me, because while I haven’t written about it much here, I have written about attachment, my personal styles, and how this impacts myself and others quite a lot in my journals. It made me feel… uncomfortably seen and vulnerable.

The second section focuses on consensual non-monogamy (CNM) itself in much the same manner. Looking at the dimensions it has and how that approach to relationships can aggravate attachment issues. I found it interesting in a very academic way, and provided a better view of the entire field of CNM rather than just the part I personally experience. I think that’s probably important in identifying differences in what partners want from each other.

The third and final part, which I started this evening, is supposed to be the “practical application” part that unifies the two other sections into a concrete and actionable plan. Needless to say, I haven’t actually read through all of this. Still, the reason why it’s on my mind is that it opens with a discussion of the idea of Safe Haven and Secure Base in your partners.

I would describe Safe Haven as being someone you can rely on emotionally. Someone you can talk with about your life and about your troubles. Who listens to, takes an active interest in, and asks about what’s going on in your life, both positive and negative.

Secure Base is somebody who helps you grow as a person. They provide the hard feedback that we sometimes need. Someone we’re secure with, and know we can count on to help us maintain and build our life and security.

I found these two ideas particularly interesting, which is why I’m writing about this today. The difference was a bit subtle, and required me to reread the section a few times, because they can be connected and found in varying degrees among the same person.

Even at a glance I can readily identify my best friend, Rhea, as covering most of the Safe Haven territory and some of the Secure Base as well. We both talk about what’s going on in our lives regularly. We both poke around the edges and find ways to support and help each other grow.

This stands in contrast to the world I tried to craft and that Rhea wanted to see, where she was a little of both and my roommate covered some or all of the remainder. Especially the Secure Base part, and is endlessly frustrated that I had to do that on my own.

Instead, I’m left seeing that my roommate was unable to provide either, really, and this is why she’s my roommate and not my partner.

That’s where I had to stop reading, though. I plan to take the time to finish the book during my extended weekend, and I’m sure I’ll have more to say about the last 60 pages. Overall I think it’s a decent book that’s certainly been of value to me personally. If you’re interested in relationship dynamics, especially those related to CNN, then I’d definitely recommend it.

Y’all take care.

Despair

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

My best friend and I were talking the other day, and we spoke about the topic of despair and overcoming it. This was partially brought about because I mentioned the themes of Endwalker, FFXIV’s previous expansion, because I was working through the final parts of it.

She expressed her frustration that so many people in our society, like those in the game’s expansion, had given in to despair to the point that it was all consuming. Not just that, but it had become common and normalized to feel and express only negative thoughts.

I think that, to some degree, commiseration is normal. We all have bad experiences and negative thoughts. It’s even important that we share those burdens, given the right time and place. She would agree with that much. The world is a miserable place. To live is to suffer. But the brain constructs our reality in a way that’s consistent with our expectations and beliefs. If we allow ourselves to believe that the world is inherently and irrevocably broken, then that is what we will find. As Uncle Iroh said:

If you look for the light, you will often find it, but if you look for the dark it is all you will ever see.

But I find her point valid, on the whole. Depression and negativity are contagious. As a moderator, I spend a fair amount of my time trying to fight against it. Because if I don’t fight it, it will consume me and many other community members as well. Much like despair that created the so-called blasphemies in FFXIV.

Know this my children. There is more ugliness than beauty in this world. To live is to suffer. To drink of calamity and drown in anguish. To toll and be tested, always and ever.

It has, at times, been severe enough that we’ve had to ask people to step away due to the impact they were having on others. That’s been rare, but not non-existent. And, at the time, I was relatively outspoken against it. I’ve always been one to try and assist those that need it. Until it breaks me, or so I’ve been told.

Tis a perilous path you walk. Death lurks in the dark and is the sole promise that awaits at journeys end. You will tremble with terror. You will weep tears of anger and despair.

This approach to moderation seems to be slightly controversial, but I was unaware that it was making many other members suicidal. Without digging too much in the philosophical territory, when faced with a choice between one individual and several, the calculus seems fairly obvious. I hate that it has to be that way.

For what it’s worth, this is also a gross oversimplification of that specific scenario.

The real question is how best to combat this negative outlook. Even being around it exhausts me quickly, and I’m well aware that I cannot force that shift. I can, perhaps, encourage it. Point them in the right direction, and if they’re open to the suggestion, guide them.

But do not avert your eyes, see your life for what it is. Then you will see how the hardships make you strong.
Every doubt reforged as scales for your armor.
Every agony to temper your blade.

It’s cheap and easy to tell people to seek joy in life. To ask what’s important to them. What they want. To break their old routines and cycles that keep them in that place.

But even I remember how hard it is to actually do that. It’s so hard to break outside our comfort zone, even if it is miserable. So hard to imagine that life can really be better. Yet that’s the place I was in when I started blogging. I needed something new and different to disrupt my routine. It’s where I was when I first left my former home to visit friends for Pride and realized how miserable I truly was when I cried on my return trip.

I often watch others sit right on the edge of those choices. Restrained and shackled by fear and worry. I’ve noticed that if they refuse long enough, I will check out. No longer wishing to pump energy into what feels like a futile cause. And I hate that I must do this to look out for myself. I wish I could do and give more.

But, I also consider my “successes,” so far. My best friends on the planet were made this way. Earned with moments of kindness and support that now actually provide me with the emotional energy to continue. Paid back many times more than what it cost. Though I am loathe to frame it in such a transactional manner.

All is excruciating pain. I breathe fire and torment. I birth a world of suffering to mire and plague. In one fleeting moment, lives come and go. Ever moving towards the unknown. And in that fleeting moment, they cry for the answer to the question:

Why, given life, are they meant to suffer. To die…

As fragmented, imperfect beings, yours is a neverending quest. A quest to find your purpose, knowing your end is assured. To find the strength to continue, when all strength has left you. To find joy, even as darkness descends…

And amidst deepest despair, light everlasting.

Y’all take care. Remember to seek your joy in life.

Looking Forward

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

So, it occurs to me that August is on its way. I have yet to investigate whether Blaugust is happening or not, but the habit is well etched on my soul despite my lackluster performance last year. Truth be told, transition takes up a certain amount of mental resources the first couple of years, and combined with the major life changes found in moving halfway across the country last August there just wasn’t enough of me to go around.

Still, I’ve settled well into a life in Iowa City by way of Kansas City, though it continues to surprise me in interesting ways.

While my blog has largely fell by the wayside, I acquired the habit of regularly journaling. Privately at first, then mostly publicly as I grew used to it. Ironically, trying to keep my personal life off my blog and trying not to turn it into a journal is one of the reasons I stepped back. Now, however, I have grown accustomed to sharing the details of my life publicly and find that maybe blending the two isn’t such a bad thing. You just never know who you might meet and when your thoughts will resonate with another.

As I write this, I find myself stepping away from my nesting partner and accepting a role more akin to close roommates. I find myself revisiting my sexual and romantic orientation. Going so far as to question even my basic assumptions on how I relate to people. I am increasingly disinterested in romantic relationships and more heavily invested in friends and deeper emotional connections.

I don’t really remember what I wrote about last year, but I chose to move in order to forge my life anew. To break from the status quo I had and reinvent my life as my own. I have succeeded, to some degree. My closest friend has said how proud she was of me for stepping out and assembling this new life. Insisting that she would not have done as much herself.

And despite everything, gaming and the queer gaming discord community I help moderate are at the core of my life. My choices are much more versatile than they used to be. Fewer MMOs and more co-op shooters and survival games, but also including a variety of in-person tabletop stuff as well. As of right now it’s FFXIV, because of the new expansion, and my bestie’s 7 Days to Die server, though we have several other things in the wing and on the radar.

I’ve also picked up a copy of X4 to play with, and been gifted a copy of Persona 5 that I plan to check out at some point.

As for what happens in this space, I think I’ll treat it much the same as my discord journal. I may even put my time and energy in here, instead. Mainly because I just don’t have the time or writing energy to do both. Trying that would burn me out, I believe.

If you look for the light, you will often find it, but if you look for the dark it is all you will ever see. – Uncle Iroh

If I remember, I think I shall talk about this tomorrow. I had intended to do so today, but such is life.

Y’all take care. I hope your life is one of your own design.

Palia – Into the Wild

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 1 Comment

I’ve been waiting quite some time to try my hand at Palia. A rather cozy game that feels a bit like a matured Animal Crossing meets Stardew Valley MMO. I imagine most of my readers are already well aware of its existence, even if they aren’t inclined to try it for themselves.

In a nutshell, you’re an extremely rare human who just kindof… appeared. You immediately get busy talking to people, clearing a small plot of land and building what must be the largest makeshift tent ever built.

I only got to spend a couple of hours with the game before I wrote this, as I must prepare for my impending trip and get some rest before I depart. From a technical standpoint I had no real issues during this time. Logging in was fairly quick and straightforward. Performance wasn’t an issue, though my laptop is a bit overpowered compared to the average gaming PC. A topic I should perhaps visit in the near future.

The activities I’ve engaged in so far are relatively straightforward. Hitting trees and bushes with an axe. Hitting rocks with a pick. Throwing smokebombs at bugs. Perhaps the most complicated so far has been fishing, which as one might expect has a sort of minigame, but not one that’s terribly complicated or difficult to understand

I personally found the characters and writing to be mostly endearing and comical, with enough personality that despite them mostly being friendly, I developed preferences and affinities really quick. I’d list my favorites, but I can’t quite recall their names right away. I also tend to like these… human-era robot people.

I’m uncertain how much staying power a game this simple has for me. I think as long as I take it as the relaxing and cozy game that it is, and just enjoy being in this world, I’ll be fine. Time will tell. I want to really like it, though.

At my current stage I’m just reaching the point where I need to gather enough money to buy the workbenches I need to build a house. Shouldn’t be terribly difficult, as most of the gatherable resources can be sold, much like Animal Crossing, though I was a little disappointed to see that my cooked mushrooms don’t sell for more than the raw mushrooms required to make them. You still get cooking skill from making them.

Speaking of skills and crafting, my brother and I got a good laugh out of learning new furniture recipes. Crafting some of the items presented me with a few “who’s that pokemon” style silhouettes to learn a new recipe by guessing which one you want. There was one we were both absolutely certain it was a new bed recipe that turned out to be a couch. It was and excellent bait and switch.

There is a sort of hunger/stamina bar, but it doesn’t prevent you from doing things when it runs out. It just lowers your experience gain while it’s empty. Considering I wasn’t even using this mechanic early on, it wasn’t a major difference, and it seemed like it would be hard to maintain the quantity of food needed to keep that buff up all the time. Maybe I’m wrong. Just depends on what farming yields look like.

There are a few things I saw but didn’t get to explore, like these glowing trees that are too powerful for my makeshift axe to chop. No idea what they are, but I’m curious to find out.

All in all I liked the time I spent with it, and wished I could spend more time with it. I’m really looking forward to getting back into it, getting the house built, and trying to furnish it. Hopefully my brother will get his invite and be able to join me soon enough. He certainly liked the look of it, and my girlfriend seems to like the concept as I’d described it so far.

I did see some other people running around doing things too, but not a lot of activity going on in chat. I might consider chatting a bit when I’m on next just to see if I can get conversation going on. Seems a shame to have a game like this and have nobody chatting or being friendly while they do it.

I’m running out of time, though, so y’all take care. Remember to carry your bug hunting belt with you!

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Himouto! Umaru-chan

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

So today I’m gonna venture well off the beaten path and write about anime. Or, well, this specific one anyway. Now, I’m hardly an expert, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have thoughts and opinions, so here we go. I certainly don’t know the genre lingo and all that, not do I really care.

It’s actually quite rare for me to step outside the recommendations of my friends. I seldom have time to keep up with even that much. The series only got my attention because, quite frankly, some of the gifs I saw on discord were absolutely adorable and I wanted context. I figured it was as good a reason as any.

It seems on the surface to be a fairly standard school drama. The series focuses on Umaru, her brother, and each of their friend groups and lives. Umara herself serves as both the protagonist and antagonist a lot of the time, but it’s mostly just a silly sort of comedy. The conflict it felt like it was setting up early on, that Umaru has a public life as a perfect school girl with perfect grades and a private life as a super lazy slacker/gamer isn’t really addressed. It’s just kinda… there?

There are marked differences in art style and clothing for the three different personas she wears, though. The blonde sparkly schoolgirl, the chibi hoodie-wearing lazy little sister that I first encountered in the gifs, and skilled arcade gamer wearing a hat with only the initials UMR. There is a bit of overlap at times, but it’s actually rather uncommon.

On the whole I find the first series largely cute and endearing, but also just episodic and silly. There’s isn’t a lot of conflict or major plot threads with meaningful consequences. Just…. mildly amusing situations.

There are quite a lot of popular gaming and anime references for people who like that kind of thing. I don’t even remember most of them, but Umaru is often shown playing games on a PSP, something that looks vaguely like a PS3, and once or twice using a “vintage cartridge console” that I imagine was supposed to be an SNES.

I do find it a little disturbing at times, too. Umaru’s treatment of her brother and her friends can often feel shallow and outright abusive. It’s hard to overlook the inherent selfishness that the laziest of them embodies. Adorable, yes, but rarely considerate, thankful, or sweet. In that context, her nicer public personality strikes me as being mildly manipulative, especially when she mischaracterizes or outright lies about her brother’s dedication and behaviors.

Or maybe it’s just hitting too close to home for me and echoes all the wrong parts of my life. I relate well to many aspects of Umaru’s character, though, and I set my complaints and reservations aside enough to enjoy the first series, and I intend to watch the second at some point. Still don’t love it, though. A little character development would have gone a long way.

Anyway, cute, but not great. I’ve spent time in worse ways. I’m just intrigued enough to see if anything interesting comes of it in the second series. Wouldn’t necessarily recommend it to anyone unless they felt like it was their thing.

Y’all take care! Be excellent to each other!

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.