Getting Serious

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 3 Comments

Okay, okay, now it’s too prescient and amusing to go ahead and commit.

I was sitting here trying to decide if I wanted to write about planning ahead and scheduling my posts. I used to. I was almost always writing tomorrows post today, because it’s an easy way to stay on top of things. It takes the immediate anxiety of “I have to do this right now” and makes it a more relaxing “I should do this when I’ve got a moment.” I haven’t been doing that, though. I’ve been writing and then publishing as soon as I’m done. Functional, but starting to feel like a chore due to the hard deadline.

Then, I saw something that Naithin totally didn’t write, had a good laugh, and figured I may as well go all in.

Quite frankly, part of my problem is finding topics to write about. I’ve not been doing a lot of gaming this week. Mostly just handling details and preparation for my trip, talking to those close to me, with a little bit of reading or anime slid into the cracks.

I don’t know if I wrote about it at all, but a while back I began a complete re-read of Pratchett’s discworld novels. I’ve always loved the series, but I felt like there were large sections of the series I don’t recall well and the parts I had gone back through really hit different now. Who I am and how I process, store, and recall information has change enough that different details stand out.

I also shouldn’t be surprised, what with there being 41 novels and all, but I have absolutely no memory of reading some of them, or recall only small side plots and not the major arc. I’ve also discovered some places where I feel the series fell a little flat. It wasn’t bad, it was just a bit of a slog to get through. There were a few books that just felt like they went on a lot longer than they needed to. Perhaps a contributing factor in why I don’t remember them.

I’ve also found my desire to try and write some fiction stirring somewhat. On the surface, it’s related to a tabletop campaign my partner wants to run. I feel like I’m past the point of a simple character concept and paragraph backstory with this one, though. I want to write something more.

The number one thing holding me back is just my general reluctance to pick that back up. I want to write it, and I want to share it, but every time I go to start I remember every other instance I’ve done this and hesitate. I know I should, and that I need to, and I can hear the words of my friends echoing and telling me I’m not going to be happy ignoring it.

Not that I could anyway. I would rather come to her game with the worst written backstory on the planet than wing it with some half-baked idea that isn’t fleshed out enough for me to feel it.

Ah, anyway. It seems that I’ve managed to find a post in here somewhere, I see something I need to be working on. And if I’m gonna try to write ahead then I need to wrap this up so I have time to reset and go again.

Y’all take care. Don’t work too hard!

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

On the Move

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

It’s no real secret that I have a lot of major changes going on, including a move halfway across the country. The process of moving itself is something I tend to find fairly mundane and laborious, though helpful once in a while for sorting through accumulated stuff and paring it down to essentials.

Like any other major change, it tends to put me in a very reflective mood. My thoughts often turn toward the course of events that led me up to this point, how I’ve changed, and why this external change is happening. I normally think of myself as changing very little year over year. Small incremental advances of the self.

Even looking at this Blaugust compared to the last one, this simply isn’t the case anymore. Many of my core thought processes have been altered, changed, or nudged in some way. Largely for the better, I think, though my perspective is somewhat biased.

This time last year I was just beginning to really explore social spaces in a new way, both locally and online. Trying to actively engage with communities and people, trying to contribute, communicate, and build connections. In the end, I was looking for an emotional home. Exploring my new identity had left me feeling extremely alone and isolated. It was through that exploration on reddit that I would meet my friend Rhea and get invited to her gaming discord server turned LGBTQ+ haven. A community I help moderate and am glad to be a part of.

I’ve made many good friends among that community, and I’ve learned a lot about healthy relationships and how to communicate from them. In many ways, the lessons I learned there were what made me feel like divorce was a necessary step in my life as well. It helped me see what was wrong and what wasn’t working between me and my ex.

That growth and communication also led to the blooming of a new relationship much more recently. A long distance friend and kindred spirit turned girlfriend. An unexpected but welcome change for both of us, I believe.

What really cemented my desire to move was when I traveled to Kansas City for Pride this past June. I wanted to do something special and memorable for Pride again this year. I happened to realize I had the vacation time and money to have my first real vacation… ever… I guess. So I drove up, crashed at a friends place for a couple weeks, hit the big Pride event, and just generally existed and explored the area and enjoyed time with friends. It was an extremely pleasant experience. Until it came time to leave, that is.

The process of returning home was a difficult one. I had the barest essentials of my life with me already, and enough money saved up that I could (in theory) have gone and rented a place and just never left. The idea of returning the the place I once viewed as home was that bad. I hated it. The first several hours of the drive back was me forcing myself to return. The remaining eight hours was spent thinking about how to make all of this happen. What steps needed to be taken. What bridges needed built.

By the time I arrived at my soon-to-be-former residence, no longer a home to me emotionally, I hit the ground running with the new plan. Rewriting my resume. Putting in a lot of job applications in my field of experience. Starting the conversations necessary with my ex to make all the required arrangements locally. It all came together surprisingly quickly.

A month later I had an offer letter and I was back in Kansas City to look at apartments, tour my future workplace, and generally drive around and get a feel for the area in a way I hadn’t during my more vacation-oriented trip. Another month past that, I’m actually loading up and leaving behind the place I so desperately wanted not to return to. A brave new adventure to build a new life, one that truly reflects who I am and who I want to be. It won’t always be rainbows and butterflies, but at least when it’s a mess it’ll be my mess. Or our mess, as the case may be.

And if you ever find yourself in the Kansas City area, by all means, drop a line. Always glad to meet new friends, old friends, internet friends, whatever. Y’all take care!

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

An End of Things

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 1 Comment

I suppose many people may view this as something of a sad or somber post. It’s probably somewhat telling that it is not, from my perspective. After about seven months of silence and discussion, the paperwork to once again become unmarried has been signed. It won’t be official for another month yet, but the coffin has been nailed shut. Thirteen years wasn’t a bad run.

For me it marks a turning point. An official end to what remained of my old life, mere days before I move out to forge a new one for myself. It’s mutual and uncontested. Neither of us wants to put the time and money into a contested divorce, and since I’m moving that makes things pretty easy.

I’m not even sure this post has a purpose other than as a celebration of the fact that changes I’ve been pursuing for months are finally being made a reality. Probably have another one this weekend once I’ve actually left and started the journey itself.

It’s an interesting change of pace for me, who often finds endings somewhat sad. Perhaps it’s just that I’ve long since mourned the end of this life in so many different way. You don’t reach the conclusion that this is a necessary and important step in a vacuum or on a whim.

In addition to this, I spent the day loading my boxes of stuff into my car. It didn’t quite fit the way I expected it to, but it did all fit, so that’s a bonus. I’ll be able to take most of the absolutely essential possessions with me when I go. I had been a bit concerned about that. Sedans aren’t renowned for their carrying capacity.

It’s getting late, though, and I need to sort myself out for tomorrow. Y’all take care.

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

What Does Blaugust Mean to Me?

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

You know, I wrote about this a week or two ago, I think, but I’m going over it again. This will be my fifth year doing this in some for or another, and it wasn’t until earlier this year that I began to realize how much a part of me writing has become. That, and because I’ve had to field several question while mentioning and promoting the event, and I felt they were pretty valid and worth talking about.

“What is Blaugust?” is probably the most common. It’s the one that inspired this entire post, actually. I eventually came to the realization that there are two main answers. The easy answer about what it literally is, and my personal answer about what it is to me.

The first answer is that’ it’s a celebration and promotion of blogging through participation. To encourage both beginners and old hands to write and promote the idea of writing. Seems to work, too. I mean, I’m here. I may be a bit quiet, but I keep coming back, year after year. I’ve seen others that have come and gone, come and stayed, or at least expressed interest and been open to the idea. It seems to me that it does what I presume it’s meant to do.

The second answer is a lot more about what my participation has given to me. I’ve written many times that my original intention in participating was to take a skills I thought I was kinda okay at, writing, and really refine and hone it in an attempt to make a career change. I didn’t know what I was after then, but I knew something was wrong and needed to change. Blogging, like many of the odd hobbies and skills I’ve picked up over the years, was an expression of that yearning for change.

What I didn’t realize at the time is that I had no real outlet for my thoughts and emotions. As blogging became a habit, a routine, part of my life and identity, it also become that creative expression I was missing. It gave me a place to show, process, and think through ideas and feelings that had never had a home before. Enough so that it eventually took over the content I was producing and made me uncomfortable with doing it publicly. Still, over the years I’ve written the odd draft post here and there specifically for that purpose, and maintained a daily diary blog on discord for a while.

In the end, it’s an important enough part of me and how I function that I feel like it’s my obligate duty to at least participate this little bit, though I long to return to my daily gaming posts I started with and always have. It’s just a matter of finding the right schedule and time to make those things happen.

“What is considered a blog?” is another one I’ve had a couple of times. There are a lot of different types and forms of expression and blogging out there, and I think I accidentally intimidated a few people with my approach to blogging as a way of writing. At the end of the day, I feel like any regular expression of yourself online is a blog, even if it isn’t what I picture first. I try to remind those folks that there’s nothing wrong with blogs that share their crafty accomplishments, or even memes they like. The primary goal is to express yourself!

Lastly, Blaugust is also a community in its own right. I used to be quite active in the discord channel once upon a time, including posting all of my post links there. I’ve even pointed some people that way outside of Blaugust season because they expressed an interest in writing and blogging, and it’s a good community full of people far more experienced and knowledgeable than myself. A great place to ask questions and get started regardless of when the event itself runs. If anyone is catching this at random, the discord community can be found here.

Y’all take care! I’m going to return to the grave I crawled out of to write this and consider my next move.

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here, the community here, and it’s never too late to start.

On Deck and Upcoming

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 1 Comment

Figured today was a good time to go through what I’m currently playing and keeping an eye on in the coming six months. Thinking back on some of my posts in the past I can see that my preferences have shifted a little, and I might write about that more next month.

Payday 2

I’ve been generally poking around in Payday 2 lately. Just doing some casual solo runs knocking out easy achievements and playing with some UI mods. As my experience with other types of cooperative and horde-based gameplay loops has increased, it’s given me a slightly more interesting look at what makes the game tick and why I’ve picked it up and put it back down so many times over the years.

On the whole, I find it’s steadily improved as time has gone on, and there’s always something to do. At least until some combination of grind, difficulty, and repetition drives it back into the ground.

Payday 3

This is obviously at least partially driven by the upcoming release of Payday 3, a game I’ve been very casually keeping an eye on for many years now. Its upcoming (alleged) release in late September is something I’m watching with interest. On paper it sounds like a decent step forward for the franchise, but my trust in development studios pretty low at baseline, especially for something I know I’m looking forward too, and Starbreeze/Overkill is additionally sketchy at best.

I’m currently divided on whether or not I want to pick it up prior to release or not. I feel like I probably will, as it isn’t overly expensive as games go. I also feel like I’m interested in seeing where they can take the game as it evolves and doing my best to support it at release will help make that happen. There isn’t a lot of interest in my friend group, though, so it will likely be me playing by myself to some extent.

Elite: Dangerous

As the original inspiration for the name of my blog, I’ve been entertaining the idea of spending some more time with Elite after my move. It feels a little unlikely, as it seems that I need to replace the potentiometer in my throttle. If not for that I’d already have spent some time with it, but I just don’t see where I’ll have the time to order the parts and execute that repair in the next couple of weeks. We’ll see. I need to do more research into this.

Starfield

As an early September release, this is definitely on my watchlist. I will, however, not be preordering this title. It’s going to be like No Man’s Sky, where I wait and see how things play out at release before I commit to it. I love the idea. It’s definitely something I want to love, but Bethesda and I go all the way back to the initial release of Morrowind. An experience that was not a pleasant one for me.

Much like No Man’s Sky, I see a game that in my opinion is receiving way more hype than I think it deserves. It feels and smells too similar, so I’m keeping my distance for now. I had followed NMS closely enough that I wasn’t surprised at its launch state. It was, more or less, what I’d expected it to be, just poorly optimized.

Dragon Quest Monsters: The Dark Prince

This is a much further out holiday release for the Switch. I’m a fan of the Monsters branch of the franchise, though, so I’m quite looking forward to seeing a new one queued up. Interested enough to pick it up? Eh, maybe. I don’t play games on my Switch all that often. Maybe that will change when my life and schedule shifts around over the next several months. I guess we’ll just have to see.

Most everything else on my watchlist is too far out or too up in the air to warrant more than a passing mention. I’m watching Palia with interest, including trying to get into the upcoming beta. That’s something I may play with friends given the chance. I’m also keeping an eye on Nightingale, but the continued delays are beginning to make me a bit wary of it. There isn’t a whole lot that comes to mind right now. All of the mentioned titles are where most of my attention is focused.

Y’all take care, and remember to consider your preorders carefully.

Disturbing my Slumber

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

It’s strange, really. Blaugust is one of those things that happens every year, and I always feel compelled to participate. Much like a birthday or anniversary, it comes around every year. Because of the motivations and mental headspace I was in when I started in 2018, it always serves as a time of reflection on why I started and how my intentions and topics have evolved over the years.

The short version is that I needed something new and different in my life. I was dissatisfied with who I was, where I was at, and what I was doing. At that time, in that moment, blogging offered me a chance to reach out and do something new. A chance to refine a skill and express part of myself that was trapped and caged.

Who I was back in 2018 couldn’t even have imagined where I’d have ended up now. It seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time.

And, of course, seeing the announcement, signing up, knowing I’m going to participate yet again… Well… I cannot help but see the timing as a bit ironic. On the fifth anniversary of me starting something new out of that desperation to escape so many parts of my life, I find that I’m quite literally escaping from that life.

See, I turned in my notice at work a couple of weeks ago. My last day with my employer is the 28th. Now, it’s not exactly some big magical change, as I turned in my notice because I have a job lined up somewhere else doing the same work, just slightly further up the totem pole. Slightly.

What makes this different is that I’m relocating 750 miles. I’m leaving behind my ex, letting her have the home we purchased together, and I’m going to build a new life that is purely my own. A life that belongs to Rachel. And I’m doing it at the beginning of August. Five years ago I desperately wanted to escape, and now I finally have.

I also reflect on all the various things blogging has given me over the years. While it started as a way to hone a skill, talk about games, and have a community, it became much more. A form of self expression. When I needed to think about something or process a new idea, I increasingly turned to writing to do so.

Now, ultimately that led me to stop blogging. I had a lot going on inside me that I wasn’t very comfortable sharing or talking about. For quite some time I was barely able to recognize or admit to these things myself. As a result I stopped writing. I increasingly cut myself off from it, as trying to do so always led down a path I didn’t want to share with the world. Slowly but surely I just… stopped.

Eventually, though, I turned to maintaining a personal diary on discord. Just a small private thread tucked away in the corner of my favorite server where I could express my thoughts freely and openly. Not quite daily, but close to it. It once again became a part of my Routine to write about whatever I was thinking and feeling. No focus. No theme. Just… whatever was in my head and heart that day.

Blogging, started and reinforced by participating in Blaugust, gave me that. A space that would strengthen my relationship with some of my most trusted allies. A space to share my thoughts with others. To get used to the idea of being more open and authentic.

I find myself of a different mind coming back to this now. I no longer feel upset or distraught at the idea of discussing what’s going on in my life. I no longer feel like I’ve gone somewhere I shouldn’t go with my writing. I barely even know where my life is going.

Yet here I am doing it again. Starting this up once again. On the one year anniversary of starting hormone therapy no less. Now that would be an interesting about me post. Reflecting on the differences between who I was last Blaugust v. who I am now.

Regardless, I’m rambling.

Y’all take care. I’ll see ya ’round.

Hey, it’s Blaugust time! The goal is to simply promote and stimulate the blogging community by encouraging people of all skill levels and backgrounds to post. The official post can be found here and it’s never too late to start.

Transiversary – Continued Reflection

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 1 Comment

I’ve said to several people in the last week that something feels different now. The events of the last few weeks have eroded, torn down, and/or broken some of the restraints that used to hold me back. It’s hardly a sudden or unique experience. I can certainly look back over the last few years and see it happening in steps. All the blog posts where I argued about whether I should post it or not. Questioning if it was appropriate or something people even wanted to see. That’s actually what ultimately pushed me away from blogging.

I’ve actually been writing a lot over the last few months, and off and on for the last year. My transiversary date was chosen because of an unpublished blog draft I wrote the day I finally decided. What pushed me to stop publishing my work was just the very personal nature of it all. It felt weird to share so much of myself openly and publicly. That’s… not who I was.

Instead, I’ve been writing privately, with my thoughts often visible to only a select couple of people with whom I’m very close. Not quite daily, but pretty close to it. While I began writing blog posts as a way to hone a skill set and do something different, it eventually became a method of personal reflection. Useful on its own, but something gets lost by not sharing it with others.

Part of my change in experience these last few months has been the realization that I need to connect with people. Trying to come here and write a draft that only I see is surprisingly unsatisfying. The last few times I’ve tried it, all it did was make me want to go talk to someone about whatever I was thinking and feeling. Still useful to me, but not in the same way it used to.

Of course, there’s no real way to be sure that this is even transition related. As I’ve pointed out, the threads of this reach back several years within my blog posts. It’s extremely easy to think that what I’m currently going through and experiencing is contributing, and maybe it is, but it didn’t cause it. It only helped bring it to light and push it forward.

I’ve been receiving encouragement to share my writing. Well, to try and monetize it, actually, but one thing at a time. I’m still uncertain that this is really what people want to see. I’m just finally at a point in my life where I’m willing to at least give it a shot.

I’m making some bold moves over the next few months. They remind me a lot of when I started the blog, actually. “Why not?” I said. “Why shouldn’t I just try it and see what happens?” Didn’t work out so bad last time. Might as well give it another go, eh?

I’m just now realizing I didn’t do my usual sign off yesterday.

Y’all take care. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Transiversary – A Year in Hindsight

~ Rachel Wolf ~ 2 Comments

There’s a lot to be said about my journey to this point, and the person that started it a year ago seems like a stranger to me now. In a good way. For what it’s worth, I haven’t hit my one year HRT mark yet. I’ve come to the conclusion that my journey began the day I decided I was trans. Exactly one year ago today.

The early days were dark and uncertain. I didn’t know how to proceed. I couldn’t envision myself as a woman, only that I wanted to be one. I didn’t understand what that meant, or how to get started, and I certainly didn’t grasp exactly what I was going to gain and lose in the process.

I began by talking to the woman that will soon my be ex-wife about it. I felt after 13 years of marriage she deserved to know. By the time I made the choice I had already discussed it with her and decided that it was worth pursuing, even if it cost me my marriage. I had spent my entire life doing what society and other people wanted me to do, including her, and I was done with it. It was time to be who I wanted to be.

I followed that by outing myself to a couple of select friends. Jeff, who has been my best friend for years, and Rey who was my friend before all this happened and inadvertently cracked my egg. So many others I feel compelled to mention too, such as Jennifer and Renee who showed me it was okay to be myself. That I didn’t need to fear everyone I knew. I slowly eased into it a little at a time, slowly changing my wardrobe over beginning with underwear and followed by pants. I even tried some shirt and tank tops, but never really felt like they looked right on me.

The next big step for me was when June rolled around and I had my nails done in trans colors. I was Proud. I was awash in euphoria that day. Panicking because for the first time in my life I had obviously and outwardly expressed who I was. It was the first time in my life I had ever felt like I owned myself. That this was my body, my canvas for my own self expression. I was terrified of what people might think or say too, but I received nothing but compliments.

It was around this time that I began living in and around online communities like reddit. I was desperate to reach out and touch other people like me, because among all the joy I felt immensely alone. I had friends, for sure, and very supportive ones, but none that really knew the struggles and thoughts I was feeling. This is what drove me to go to pride in Chattanooga, where I would bump into Kai carrying a giant trans flag. I was like “these look like my people.” Having made that connection plugged me into the Chattanooga community a bit. This is also when I began using my preferred name.

Later that month I would finally set up my appointment for HRT, realizing that it was the only way to get what I really wanted. The weeks between setting up that appointment and actually taking my first dose was tense. I was afraid that I might never really have what I wanted and couldn’t believe I was actually going through with it. It wasn’t my first time I considered transition, but it was the first time it was actually happening.

There’s a lot to be said about the joy of experiencing my breast buds and generally exploring the new changes that were happening to me. All of which I loved and felt good about. My friends were all using my preferred name and pronouns. I had received no real backlash at the time from anyone but myself. Imposter syndrome was a real part of my existence. Some days I would feel joy and euphoria, others I would hate myself and think I was just a weird guy with painted fingernails, thinking I must be crazy to think I could ever have what I wanted.

The real trouble would begin in October. Kai was suddenly facing eviction and I, wanting only to help my trans friends, volunteered my spare bedroom against my ex’s wishes. We already faced a fair bit of financial difficulty, and my ex felt that this was due entirely to my transition and HRT. I was quite upset and felt attacked for doing something for myself that cost only around $60/month. We spent more than that on our weekly fast food meal.

That was the real beginning of the end of my marriage. The idea that my transition was making us have financial problems was thrown at me constantly, alongside misgendering and misnaming. Afraid to call me anything but her “partner” for fear of how she would look. Things came to a head the first time when she took it upon herself to divide our finances, thinking that this would somehow prove her point and allow her to spend all the money she wanted to spend on herself. Spoiler alert: this didn’t work out the way she thought it would.

Things were getting really tense heading into to December. It was while I was trying to process the state of my marriage that I would cross paths with Rhea and find her discord community, the place I now call my home, as well as my wonderful sisters in the Cookie Cult. It was through the love, friendship, and acceptance I found here that I would begin to learn what was missing from my life. I tried to explain how I was feeling to her coming up on the six month HRT mark, and finally had enough and asked for divorce.

It wasn’t just that, but the fact that I was becoming a different person. I was finally accepting my new identity as Rachel. I was starting to believe it. I had some decent A cups going. I could see her in the mirror more often than not. I was myself. I was emotional, crying for the first time in two decades and loving it. The first few months of the year were very emotionally charged for me. I was often a soupy mess who couldn’t quite figure out what exactly she wanted. I had spent the last nearly four decades of my life practicing strict control over myself, my desires, and my life, and found that control falling apart in my hands.

I wanted things, and could no longer stop myself from wanting them. Before 2023, I had often thought of myself as asexual, and suddenly found out that this isn’t really true. This flood of intense emotions and feelings was debilitating, as I still tried to reign them in and suppress them as I had always done, and all that did was create a self-destructive cycle, even pushing me to leave that discord server at one point, as I couldn’t bear to face those closest to me.

However, everyone here has been nothing but kind to me. Reaching out when I was hurt. Making sure I was looking after myself. And slowly but surely we come to today. Reflecting on all that’s transpired in the last year I realize I’m more Rachel now than I’ve ever been. I’ve felt love, hot tears, new desires, and obtained loss. Even six months ago feels like a lifetime ago to me.

And I find that recently I’m making choices differently. I’ve largely given up the control I used to impose on myself. My responses are more authentic and less filtered. Where once I would have restrained myself out of uncertainty, I no longer care. I’m more likely to ask and do what I want, and simply revel in being who I am. There’s a certain joy to be had in that. It’s not without consequence, as I’m much less risk averse, but I’m finally ready to live my life rather than simply let it pass by as I was doing a year ago.

Transition is easily the best decision I’ve ever made for myself.

The Cookie Jar

~ Rachel Wolf ~ Leave a comment

Right, so I need space to try and process and flesh out this fever dream. I’m not providing context. Just make something up. I’m also posting it now before I change my mind. Peace. Y’all take care.

It’s like, we look around and see everyone else, each with their own unique cookie jar. Some of them are beautiful ornate vases, while others are simply wooden bowls, but each one is as unique as the person eating from it. Likewise, each jar contains a unique kind of cookie only found within it. Sure, some may be similar, but they’re never the same.

We look at these people happily enjoying their cookies and their jars and we say “That looks great, I want to try that!” So we go looking for a jar of our own. Sometimes we pick and choose, waiting for what seems like the perfect jar, and sometimes we sample one at random. Maybe we like those cookies and stop for a while. Maybe we don’t, and we continue the search.

Over time we begin to draw patterns. “I like this kind of cookie.” “I don’t like that kind of cookie.” “Blue glass vases have the best cookies.” “Wooden bowls aren’t worth it.” All manner of preconceived notions begin to affect our judgment. Still we look upon the other people in the world eating what appears to be their perfect cookie from their perfect jar and we long to feel the same way they do. We crave the joy they’re experiencing and wonder why we aren’t receiving the same thing. We question if the cookies are even worth it, or what the point of it is, and we sometimes we begin to believe that we’ll never find what they’ve found.

In our desperation, maybe we try harder, thinking that maybe we’re just not giving it enough time. We find that some jars don’t even contain cookies for us, but loaded mouse traps that spring on our fingers causing us great pain. Still, what are the odds, right, so we try again and find another trap, and another.

Maybe we found plenty of cookies in the beginning, but increasingly find traps. We question our jar, wondering what’s wrong with it. Why is it filled with these traps? Why has my jar changed?

Each person seeks their own unique solution to this newfound pain. Some continue hoping and searching, trying different jars, while others abandon their search entirely, and some keep reaching into the same jar over and over. After all, your fingers go numb after a while and it doesn’t hurt as much. There are bound to be cookies there sooner or later. Maybe you even found one or two along the way amidst all the traps, but it’s your jar so you keep reaching in. It becomes your normal and you accept that this is just how it has to be.

Then one day, somebody shares one of their cookies with you. It’s really good, and you appreciate it, and you thank them and stick with your jar because the joy they’ve shared is enough to sustain you. We slowly accumulate these friends, doing our best to share among ourselves to sustain and support each other, however long we find them in our lives.

Sometimes, eventually, we learn that no matter how many times we reach into the jar, it will never contain the cookies we need it to. That continuing to reach into it is going to cause pain, both to ourselves and those are us who must watch us endure it. We tell people how bad that jar is and how much pain it causes, after all, we did the best we could, so it must be the jar’s fault.

So, understanding that our cookies are not to be found here, we leave, and by random chance alone, we find our cookies. In a random jar we would never have chosen, or a type of cookie we didn’t even know we were missing. There, in that one beautiful moment, we begin to understand that it was never the jar. Nor was it our fault. Some jars and some people just don’t work together, and no matter how many times you reach in, it will never contain cookies for you.

That old jar is still a beautiful jar that we wanted to enjoy, though, so we move on to find our new jars and hope that someday we can support the next person who finds our jar and realizes it contains the cookies they were looking for all along.