So I’ve been working my way through Jessica Fern’s polysecure for a few weeks now, and I’m about three quarters of the way through it and ready to start forming an opinion.
Overall, the book is about attachment theory and its applications to consensual non-monogamy. Typically referred to in passing as polyamory, but is a very broad category that includes but is not limited to polyamory. It was recommended to my roommate by her therapist, and I decided it was worth giving it a read myself.
Structurally it’s broken into three parts. The first is about attachment theory itself and the spectrums, labels, and applications of. This caused a bit of emotional distress for me, because while I haven’t written about it much here, I have written about attachment, my personal styles, and how this impacts myself and others quite a lot in my journals. It made me feel… uncomfortably seen and vulnerable.
The second section focuses on consensual non-monogamy (CNM) itself in much the same manner. Looking at the dimensions it has and how that approach to relationships can aggravate attachment issues. I found it interesting in a very academic way, and provided a better view of the entire field of CNM rather than just the part I personally experience. I think that’s probably important in identifying differences in what partners want from each other.
The third and final part, which I started this evening, is supposed to be the “practical application” part that unifies the two other sections into a concrete and actionable plan. Needless to say, I haven’t actually read through all of this. Still, the reason why it’s on my mind is that it opens with a discussion of the idea of Safe Haven and Secure Base in your partners.
I would describe Safe Haven as being someone you can rely on emotionally. Someone you can talk with about your life and about your troubles. Who listens to, takes an active interest in, and asks about what’s going on in your life, both positive and negative.
Secure Base is somebody who helps you grow as a person. They provide the hard feedback that we sometimes need. Someone we’re secure with, and know we can count on to help us maintain and build our life and security.
I found these two ideas particularly interesting, which is why I’m writing about this today. The difference was a bit subtle, and required me to reread the section a few times, because they can be connected and found in varying degrees among the same person.
Even at a glance I can readily identify my best friend, Rhea, as covering most of the Safe Haven territory and some of the Secure Base as well. We both talk about what’s going on in our lives regularly. We both poke around the edges and find ways to support and help each other grow.
This stands in contrast to the world I tried to craft and that Rhea wanted to see, where she was a little of both and my roommate covered some or all of the remainder. Especially the Secure Base part, and is endlessly frustrated that I had to do that on my own.
Instead, I’m left seeing that my roommate was unable to provide either, really, and this is why she’s my roommate and not my partner.
That’s where I had to stop reading, though. I plan to take the time to finish the book during my extended weekend, and I’m sure I’ll have more to say about the last 60 pages. Overall I think it’s a decent book that’s certainly been of value to me personally. If you’re interested in relationship dynamics, especially those related to CNN, then I’d definitely recommend it.
Y’all take care.
Unidentified Signal Source 