Tag: guilt

Mother Hens and the Chronically Ill

Posted on by sidraowens

 

Not every female capable of reproducing has maternal instincts and on the flip side of that, there are some females who can and will mother too much.  I like to call those women, Mother Hens.

A mother hen is a woman, who, once those maternal instincts kick in, they are full bore, all or nothing.  They will care for you no matter what.  They will feed you, dress you, clothe you, provide for you, and care for you when you’re sick or healthy (preventative care).  Having a mother hen is a wonderful thing.  It’s all warm and fuzzy and you feel like someone understands what you’re going through.  That can be especially beneficial for someone who is chronically ill.  If you are sick, it’s good to have someone who understands that you’re not faking; that you are going through something real and tangible; and they don’t down you for not being able to participate in regular, every day activities.

But there is a limit.

Mother Hen-ness, for lack of a better term, can be smothering, intrusive and downright annoying at the wrong time, or from the wrong person.  We all know that mothers can give too much, especially after their children are grown, but I suspect that adult chronically ill children are hard to relinquish, when you have cared for them for so long.

But what I am talking about is if that mother hen is not your mother, but your significant other, man or woman.  Their devoted need to care for you, and to aid you, like a child or an invalid, can repel the intimate, physical side of a relationship, especially if that physical side is often affected by the chronic illness.  At this point all sorts of emotions can enter the picture; guilt, helplessness, resentment, fear, abandonment, and this from both the ill and their caretaker.  Openness and communication are the only way to combat this; openness about one’s physical state, their mental state and one’s emotional state.  Let the mother hen know that at times, they don’t need a caretaker, they need a companion and a lover, and that they’ll be notified when those times are.  There should be no lies about feelings, no lies about whether one can continue once intimacy has begun and no guilt about having to stop midway.  Things happen.  Be adult about it and understand, the mere attempt is enough to make one feel loved and appreciated for more than their illness.  And sick or well, all any of us wants is to be loved and appreciated.  Openness and communication is the best way to make that happen in a healthy relationship, even if one of the participants is not.

Take It Easy

Posted on by sidraowens

It’s usually easier for me to fight this off than it is for some; but…  There is a fair amount of guilt and feelings of failure associated with being a writer.  For all of you writers out there, this is not a news flash.  When you have a nine to five job, if you want to keep it, you have to get up and be there every day, and you already know what is expected of you; you already know all of the goals you have to meet on a daily basis.

But writing is a self- driven passion.  There is no task master constantly whipping you to perform.  There is no one to report to, but yourself.  So often times if you don’t write every day, guilt can start to weasel in.  You feel bad for not creating.  You feel bad for you leaving your characters in the lurch; twiddling their thumbs, awaiting the author’s return so that they can be sentient and alive once again.

This is the time when we need to take a breath and be honest with ourselves as writers.  Whatever it is that drives creativity will not always flow unimpeded.  Those who are able to devote themselves completely to their craft without distraction are a lucky few, while the rest of us have to go to a nine to five job, we have to do the laundry, raise our families and even tend to ourselves; which can easily fall by the way side, if we aren’t careful.

Just like anything of merit, it takes times for characters and stories to grow and develop.  It also may be a matter of the writer fixing what ails them, whether it is lack of sleep (Which I often suffer from); doubts in one’s abilities; being pulled in multiple directions or even actual medical problems, like illness or depression.

The key is to cut yourself some slack.  Being excessively hard on yourself isn’t going to make your imagination any more accessible, as a matter of fact, it will most likely drop another road block in your creative process.  Instead of fretting, be systematic.  As a writer, naturally, you are able to look within to decipher things about yourself; to delve into past and present emotions, in order to bring your characters to life; use that same introspection to self-diagnose what is keeping your creativity at bay, and treating or remedying that as much as possible.  Sometimes, it may be a matter of getting some sleep, or sometimes it may take more, but at least getting to the root of the problem will put you on the path to a resolution.

Life is never simple.  And neither is writing, so don’t expect it to be.  Take it easy.  Don’t let your ample imagination get away from you.  The passion and desire will return, we just need to work on ourselves as eagerly as we work on our characters.