[

mood

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rushed

]

To: the_pr
Re: Elf Progress Report #2

Still no elves. Have a lead though. Will be out of town for a few days following up on it. May be incommunicado a few days, don't worry. It's ok.

*sends*

[

mood

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naughty

]

*Bob is sitting in an Internet café, sipping on a latte and composing an email progress report to the_pr*

To: the_pr
Re: Elf Progress Report #1

Have talked to every contact I can think of to try to track down the missing elves. Have a few leads. Am going off to investigate further myself as soon as one of my contacts gets back to me. Will let you know how it pans out.

Bob

*sends*

*snicker* That should keep them off my back for a while.

*looks at travel websites*

Hmm. Hawaii's looking nice this year. Maybe I'll go down and look into some timeshares while I'm pretending to look for those moronic elves. The PR'll never know the difference. It's not like they really care if I find those idiots anyway.

*books flight to Honolulu for later that week*

Guess I should start packing now. My time's almost up here anyway... ooh! Gay porn! Hmm, it's only a few bucks an hour, maybe I can stay here a little while longer... mmm. Porn. Bob likes!

I just got back to the house. First I was at not_orli's for 8 hours straight of hot gay sex and then I had to go dig a hole in the woods to bury "it". I'm burying them for now since I'm not really sure what to do with them. He better be willing to "pay" me for all the overtime I've put in to his stupid hare-brained scheme!

*calls Orlando*

Bah! No answer! I'm gonna go take a shower, and I guess then I'm going to bed to take a nap. By myself. *scowl*

Lockpicks? Check.
Flashlight? Check.
Black catsuit? Check.
Black ski mask? Check.
Rubber soled shoes? Check.
Duffel bag? Check.
Can of mackerel? Check.
Rope? Check.
Mission: Impossible theme music? Check.

[

mood

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naughty

]

Went shopping today. Orlando picked me up in his car, and I met a nice if not too bright fellow named Hugo. We browsed a couple shops. That Orlando is one exhausting kid but he sure does have a pretty little mouth.

*smiles huge cat-that-ate-the-canary grin*

[

mood

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devious

]

The bosses had an extra-special assignment for me today! I had to go into the office super-early this morning to get ready for it. First, I got all dressed up in black clothes and this long, stringy-haired black wig, and some makeup to make me look all pale and washed out. When it was done, the_pr told me I looked just like the "rogue PR assistant". I don't know, I thought I looked more like that Wormtongue guy from The Two Towers, but the PR said no one would notice.

Next was the ride to the airport. Let me tell you, it's hard to catch a cab when you're all made up like Mary-Sue Manson or whoever that goth freak is. I ended up being pitied by a bunch of Jehovah's Witnesses heading to the airport to go to a convention. They spent the whole ride preaching to me about the evils of Satanic worship and trying to convince me to renounce my ways and accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Funny, the more they talked, the more I wanted to actually sell my soul to Satan himself just so I could have my nice Brooks Brothers suit back!

When I finally got to the airport, I was a little behind schedule, so I hurriedly thanked my new fundie Christian friends, and dashed into the airport. I managed to catch tallest just as he was headed for the gate to his flight. I managed to grab him by the arm, and pull him aside so the next phase could go into play.

Now, many of you may not know this, but Bob is a trained actor, with a strong theatre background in the Pacific Northwest (well, until that bossy woman who kept insisting everything was all about THE GAY came along, and spoilt all our fun. Humph).

[

mood

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tired

]

Whew. Bob is tired. Bob spent all day yesterday making packets of super secret Acme catnip mix with Prince to send out to the guys. Most of the work was done in silence, since really, what does one talk about with a Siamese cat? Prince seemed uninterested by Bob's opening conversational forays into the topics of Stuart *sigh* and leather pants. Bob and Prince finished up late last night, and this morning the packets were delivered. They are probably being opened as Bob types this. It's really too bad Bob can't be there in person to see what happens, as Bob has no idea exactly what the catnip will do.

Bob and Prince were very careful not to breathe in any of the stuff, as Acme said it's very strong stuff. Bob inhaled a little bit by accident, despite the painters' masks worn to keep it out. What is that? Bob keeps feeling this little tickle, almost like someone is running feathers up and down Bob's back. It is rather annoying. Perhaps it is just an aftereffect of catnip inhalation. Bob hopes it will pass soon, as it is irritating Bob.

Hmm. Bob is not Caesar, why is Bob typing in all third person today? Bob doesn't know, but Bob is irritated by this as well. Maybe Bob just needs some sleep.

[

mood

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satisfied

]

Today wasn't so bad after all. I was reallyreallyreally bored earlier, but then I remembered I had this site in my bookmarks so I decided to have a little fun with the freaks regular posters over there.

Best way to waste time at work ever.

[

mood

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devious

]

*yawn*

PR gave me a new assignment last week, but I can't take care of it yet, until not_orli gets back from wherever the heck he is. See, Disney's making him get a mouse ears tattoo, because they own his ass. But, he's not here, so I have to wait.

*bored*


*stares out window*


*makes paper clip chains*


*runs with scissors*


*still bored*


Oh! I have an idea! Shoot. I'll have to call my little sister to do that one. Oh well, she'll probably be game for it. She's a drama major, she loves dressing up like other people.

Hmm. Guess I could play on one of numerous mindless internet sites to keep myself busy. I'm sure I've got something interesting bookmarked here somewhere.

*click*

Ooooh, what's this? *evil grin*

I think I may have found something to do after all.

[

mood

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bored

]

My first morning back in my office, after that "incident which we shall never speak of again. EVER." as the_pr refers to it. I'm so bored. All I remember of that night are martinis (lots of them), and some daiquiri stuff that I think disagreed with me. And that I owe the_pr a pair of Ferragamo's. Luckily, the_pr was kind enough to check me into the rehab center to help me with my alcohol problem. I learned that I have a problem, and that admitting I have a problem is the first step to getting better. And that I am to never touch alcohol again. Really must buy a really good pair of Ferragamo's in appreciation for all the help.

I'm bored.

Think I'll go down to the lobby and see if any more of those mango shipments have arrived. They'll need someone to sign for them. It'll give me something to do.

Could be worse, though. At least I'm not this poor bastard.

[

mood

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accomplished

]

I've been so busy this week. First there was taking not_orli for his Dirt Track Chic makeover, and then back to confiscating inappropriate articles of clothing from everyone else. I tell you, this bunch has the most pairs of pink socks I've ever seen. tallest alone could probably stock a sock shop with the number of pink socks he had! But I think I've finally got them all in a little pile right here in my office. Now that I've got all these pink socks, what the heck am I supposed to do with them? Hey the_pr, wanna have a bonfire?

[

mood

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exanimate

]

The last 24 hours have been sooooooo hectic. I've only had time to confiscate one pair of pink socks today. (I'm not buying not_orli's story that they were white, but got washed with some red clothes. No one has that many pairs of socks that just "accidentally" get put in with the colors.) I got to the hospital with liebefranka in tow, bullied persuaded our way into the ER, and were immediately impeded greeted by tallest, who was freaking the fuck out naturally, very worried about his friend. I also think Dom was feeling some guilt about it being his car that thickwood was driving, which made him kind of testy. The situation was not improved when a completely fucking out of his gourd rather distraught lijismine showed up, and attacked Dom. I tried to jump in and calm them down. When that didn't work, I had to send Sean down the hall to get coffee while I told Dom to get a fucking hold of himself. Fortunately, the distraction caused by the fight allowed Franka to slip in and make her way to Elijah's bedside, just in time to be photographed by the paparazzi who had managed to sneak past the security since we paid them off.

The bosses had to come back early. They seem kinda pissy about that. Luckily we had the situation well in hand by the time they came back. The hospital employees have been most cooperative especially since I threatened to lay the smackdown if they didn't go along with our story.

In other news, I've been invited to a party ian_the_gay is hosting. Everyone will be there, and so will vampire_stuart! I can't wait. I'm a huge fan. Oh, and his girlfriend's hot, too.

Oh! In case you're wondering, Elijah's fine. Well, except for that whole thing about not remembering his Tekken moves, the color orange, or Sean.

[

mood

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distressed

]

Just got a text message from the bosses. They're on their way back from their PR retreat weekend in the Catalinas. There's been an accident involving Elijah, Dom's Beemer, and a tree. I'm on my way to the hospital now, Dom's already there, so I need to get there as fast as possible for damage control moral support. I've already called Franka to tell her to meet me there. The poor girl is positively distraught over her boyfriend. Ah well, I'm sure all will be well once Elijah gets some TLC, Franka style and I get Dom the hell out of there before he does something stupid.

[

mood

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grateful

]

Finally got a new job today. Not much call for people with my special skills these days. Am now working for New Line's PR Department. My official job title is "Publicity Assistant". My assignment is to keep a couple of the actors in line and avoid potentially embarrassing situations in public. Luckily I've had a lot of experience in this area back when I worked for Miramax.

It sure feels good to have a job again. I was getting tired of eating nothing but mac 'n' cheese, which is cheap, but awfully unappetizing. The stuff just unsettles me for some reason. Fortunately for me, tonight my new bosses are taking me out to dinner to discuss our new arrangement and finalize some details.