[in Australia]


Is that really him? Is it just a bot? How can I tell; he felt so real!

*whimper*



Maybe just one more of the pink ones won't hurt.

Current Mood: anxious

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Gosh
I found this picture of me with a lady hanging above my mantelpiece, and I don't know who she is!



You guys don't recognise her, do you? i sure hope she's American, at least.

Anyway, I took it down and replaced it with a picture of me and my wife. It looks much better, see:

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Email to chairman_shaye
Dear Chairman Shaye,

It sure was nice meeting you and your pet bunny the other day! I hope you enjoyed the Premiere!

I was wondering if you'd like to work together some time? Let me know what you think; I'd love to get more involved in the corrupt, money-launderingcreative side of New Line.

Sean (Astin) (the straight one)

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Golly, it sure comes around quickly!
These photos will go real nice above the mantelpiece, right next to the picture of me and George W.!

Well, here was me arriving - I have to say i was a little confused by all the crowds! It's just as well I'd taken my pills or I might have gone a touch crazy! And that wouldn't do at all; after all, Sam could never have take care of Frodo if he'd been seeing those pink bunny rabbits, could he?



Well, when we got there, I found FrodoLij pretty quickly, although he still seemed a bit off with me! I don't think he's ever quite forgiven that time I accidentally locked him up in Minas Morgul my basement, quite by mistake! I told him it was the pink bunny's fault, but he ran away.



Oh, and here's the obligatory family shot! Christine seemed a little reluctant to come along, but the_pr paid her handsomely, so it all worked out well! Oh, and Ally's so cute! Sometimes I find it hard to believe she's mine, especially when she curls up on my lap and tells me that the men in the skirting boards want me to burn and tear and chop things into tiny pieces, splinters and splinters of titanium all over the floor glittering in the blaze as my life crumbles into ash around my ears and everything's shredded and rent and soon it will all be dust!!! Here's the picture:



But when they took the group photo, they stuck me next to some guy I didn;t recognise. Perhaps he was one of the catering guys? I'm not sure - he looks familiar, though, and I did spend an awful lot fo time in the canteen! I was so fat! Like, really really fat! Wasn't I absurd? You should see the clips of me waddling! Hilarious!



Elijah is waving to me. He's definitely waving to me. My beautiful boy.

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*Sean is sitting by the pool, reading an old copy of 'Time'*

*The Elijah Bot lurches up to him*

Lij Bot: He...llo, Sean!

Sean: *jumps to his feet* Oh my gosh, Elijah! I thought you were avoiding me! You ignore my calls, you don't answer when I knock, you didn't say a word about those headless roses I sent to you!

Lij Bot: Sorr...ySea-a-a-an

Sean: Are you okay, Lij? You're stammering. It's quite warm out here, maybe we should. Er. Go in the pool to cool off?

Lij Bot: Perha-a-ps not, Sean.

Sean: *suddenly brave* Oh come on, Lij, let's! It'll be fun!

*grabs the Lij Bot and drags it towards the pool. It slips on the poolside and splashes into the water*

Lij Bot: *FIZZHISSSSHORTCIRCUITBLAM* 2gb3i2;BDUYSjdska;s['wru8q4hu;

bigature's recorded message: MalFUNctiON atCIRcuit Z67NE abORT REtrY fAIl??

Sean: Oh dear me! I think...I must have...oh. Oh God, I can't get found out! New Line would kill me! What can i do? I've got to get outta here!

*scrambles towards garden wall and vaults over it in an uncharacteristic display of agility. He should be shot down by pr_goon, but Bob is otherwise occupied*

Sean: Gosh.

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*sean is pottering about in his room, humming 'land of the free'*

hmmhmm - time for my pills? where are they? oh, here we go.

*he takes down a large jar of prozac*

*glug*

that's better. now, let's see, where's my to-do list for today?

To-Do List

wake up
shower
take pills
find frodoelijah
get out of this darn place

okay...

*he leaves his room and wanders down the hall to elijah's room*

knock knock

lij? are you in there? it's your sam sean!! i've got something to tell you!

...

lij?!

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[later]
*Rudy has finished, and Sean is going to (the spare) bed. He goes into the kitchen first*

*there's a note stuck to the fridge, scrawled in green crayon*

Huh.

*he reads it*

Huh! I mean...huh. That's. Um. Okay.

*blinks*

Okay.

*takes a bottle of milk from the fridge and gulps the contents down*

*whistles softly to himself. If you listen closely, you can tell it's The Goonies theme*

Elijah. Lij. Lighe. Okay. That's good. That sounds good. I mean...what urges?

*goes to bed*

Current Mood: perplexed

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Huh. So, I woke up this morning and I found someone had shoved an envelope under the door, with my new contract in it. I mean, I didn't even know my old one had expired! So, anyway, I was about to sign it when something caught my eye, you know? Well, it was written in green crayon, which didn't strike me as awfully professional! I bet it was a New Zealander they got to write it out; these Kiwis have a very lax approach to presentation. Why, those hotel barman I saw last night weren't even dressed properly! Come to think of it, they weren't dressed at all - probably it's the heat. Their working conditions must be dreadful, because I could actually hear one of them moaning in pain from behind the bar. Those poor guys, they should come work in America! I know the President is eager to attract cheap labour who don't speak enough American to complain Mexicans friendly folk who'll contribute to our nation's glory!

So, anyway, if the contract had been produced in America, I'm sure it would be just dandy. Here it is:

I, _____________ (I figure I have to write my name here), do solemnly swear that I shall remain bound by the conditions of this contract until such a time as NewLine see fit to release me from its bondage.

That I shall appear only in films with a discernible homoerotic subtext, and preferably with a military theme

That I shall endeavour to appear scantily clad in the presence of young men in as many of my films as is feasible

That at least ten percent of all my dialogue shall consist of my (male) co-star's name moaned in a variety of pitches and frequencies

That I shall display an unhealthy interest in phallic symbols of all kinds, in particular the genitalia of small plaster effigies of Adonis

That I shall engage in close physical contact with my male co-stars, whether the script demand it or no

That I shall cry. A lot, and for no apparent reason. This is an affirmation of my confident masculinity

Despite this, I shall remain resolutely heterosexual, so help me God.

The undersigned:

____________________

This contract remains legally binding until NewLine PR decide otherwise.

Well, I don't know! I mean, it seems like I've already fulfilled all those criteria! So, do I sign it? I know how tricky that smallprint can be!

Current Mood: puzzled

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*wanders down the corridor, reading a biography of George Bush*

Where'd everybody go, huh?

*a hollering blur comes speeding down the hall, yelling something incomprehensible. The words 'knives' and 'bastard' can just about be distinguished*

*flattens self against wall in alarm*

Oh okay, that's where.

Current Mood: bored

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Well!
Hey, guys! I finally got my photos developed from the vacation that the_pr took me on, and I'm awfully pleased with them! We went all over America, meeting people, performing good deeds! It was just lovely!

Here's me with our wonderful President, Mr Bush:



Oh, it was such an honor to meet him! Such a friendly man - although I see what they mean about him being a little 'stiff'. Robotic, even! But wonderful, simply lovely all the same!

Then of course I went and helped my dear friend Arnold on his campaign platform, which was super too! Here we are, after his final speech!



And then finally, and i really don't know how they managed this, but then the_pr really are a clever bunch of guys, and so genuine too, I got to meet my ultimate hero! Look!



And that was just the most super thing of all! It's weird, though, i don't remember that actually happening - but I have the photos, so it must be true!

Now, where is everybody? The Hotel Adagio, I hear - well, I guess you guys deserve a vacation too, even if you aren't devoting it to performing patriotic good deeds! Perhaps I'll drop in on you, my one, my only, my love just to catch up. I know you must be missing me as much as i miss you!

Oh look, there's darling Christine, reminding me that it's time for my pills.

*goes to cupboard*

here we go...hmm, these blue ones taste a little different. Well, maybe I'm just getting used to them. So, I guess I'll be over in a minute, guys! See you!

Current Mood: holiday photos!

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[on set]
Why did nobody invite me to the party? I could have made punch! Spoilsports.

I saw that bastard Dom this morning. He looked dreadfully uncomfortable. So did Billy, come to think of it.

Perhaps there's some sort of virus going round?

*sees Orlando walking by, itchily*

Hey, Orli! Wh...what's that you're carrying?

Current Mood: left out

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lalala
Sean wanders onto the set wearing a Stars-and-Stripes baseball cap, an 'I <3 NY' t-shirt and the football pants (specially adapted) he kept as a souvenir from the set of Rudy. He whistles the national anthem as he strolls along, a vacant but happy grin on his face.

Hello trees, hello flowers! Hello Richard! *waves to Richard Taylor*

Isn't everything lovely? Doesn't it make you proud to be American? Life's just super, yes sirree!

Billy is sitting on a bench, scratching at the glue on his half-attached ears. Sean wanders up to him.

Billy! Long time no see! Let me think, the last time I saw you, we were...*trails off. Goes pale*..erm, how are you?

Current Mood: patriotic

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[On the plane to New Zealand]
I've had such a strange few weeks. You know, reshoots were going on just fine. Lij and I filmed our additional scenes no problem - although I did wonder about the hockey game on the slopes of Mount Doom. I mean, using an Orc's head for a puck and all. But then, Peter seemed keen, and I guess it's the kind of masculinity-affirming thing that two resolutely heterosexual hobbits would be bound to do, so I didn't complain.

But after that, everything kind of goes blank. I get these sort of flashes of memory, something to do with Billy, perhaps? And nothing seemed quite real, as though I was living in a storybook world.

Next thing I remember, the_pr were hauling me back on a plane to the US, where Christine was waiting for me with a couple of kids she said were mine. I was like 'ok...when did that happen?'. I spent a fortnight in a straitjacket a convalescent kinda place with a load of old 'Nam veterans, which was fun, I guess. They let me clean up after them and stuff, bless their hearts. It's nice to be needed.

And then, well, the_pr stopped by again and told me I could go back to NZ as soon as I did something for them. They switched off all the power round New York, see, and then made me go help people out of darkened buildings.

They say it's important for me to sustain my reputation as a doormat genuine, caring guy. the_pr are such wonderful people, so helpful. They've even promised to further my career all the way to the White House, at no cost!

I can't wait to see Lij again. It'll be so much fun! I hope he's okay, I haven't heard from anyone whilst I've been away. I figure they're all busy.

Just got to remember to keep taking these vitamin pills the doctor gave me. That's cool, I can do that.

*twitches gently*

Frodo? Maybe it's time for my next one...

Current Mood: Excited

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[In Sean's trailer]
*Sean is sitting at his computer, surfing the net and looking for pictures of Billy and Frodo and himself to make more manips.*

I wonder where everyone is tonight? Maybe I should go look for Fro, Billy. I hope he's not still sick...

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Went out looking for Frodo Billy on Friday. I couldn't find him and was afraid he might've gotten lost in Cirith Ungol the woods. I didn't end up finding Bills, but I did find John, who'd been missing for days. It seems that David found him deep in the forest, with no memory of how he got there. Everyone says David's an evil bastard, but it was very kind of him to help John out.

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I was so tired today, I almost fell asleep during my scenes. I think all the stress of these reshoots is getting to me, I'm glad it's the weekend tomorrow so I can plot to kill Hannah and have Frodo for myself rest.

So what's everyone else's plans?

Current Mood: cheerful

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Marriage!?

No. This cannot be happening! Frodo and Hannah cannot get married! Frodo is going to marry his Sam! His Sam! Meeeeee!

I spent all last night making this picture for our wedding invitations, so I was soooo tired today on the set. Also I noticed that Lij doesn't look like the real Frodo.

You can see in the picture, there's the real Frodo, and Lij doesn't look anything like him. But there's me! Sam!



Now I just have to get rid of that stupid little girl who's trying to steal my man!

Current Mood: confuzzled

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It's weird being back in New Zealand. Sort of good to get away, though. Feels very calming here. Good to be back. Good to be with friends.

I spent all yesterday and the day before filming with Lij and Andy, but didn't really have much time to talk to Lij as we were so busy. For some reason it seemed to be totally different scenes than what we originally shot. And the lines are all different as well. I definitely don't remember saying things like, "I love you in a totally heterosexual, manly way, Frodo." before... Strange. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, I mean, we don't want the fans getting the wrong idea about Sam and Frodo. Their love is pure, not sexual.

I'm going to go find Frodo now. We have the day off today, and the_pr have been doing a good job of keeping him away from Dom, so maybe he'll actually have time to talk to me. Hopefully Billy won't be around. I really can't deal with Billy right now.

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On my way to New Zealand. Should arrive tomorrow morning. I was hoping to catch the same flight as Dom and Lij, but have been hiding in my room trying to remember what the hell happened with Billy and that Tupperware and oh my God... very busy.

See you all there!

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Uh...

...

... ... ...

I went over to Billy's the other day.

...

... ...

He was naked. And tanned. And cute.

Uh...

...

I think there was Tupperware involved.

Note to self: don't drink anything Billy offers you.

Current Mood: meep!