Please add me, if you'd like:-)

I found out a few months ago that I have osteoarthritis in my knee. It's pretty bad; there's bone spurs and stuff. I'm doing physical therapy for it, but it's not really helping. And my physical therapist spent our first appointment basically saying the pain was in my head (he admitted to not looking at my chart and xrays), although he's been a little better since then. I think other parts of my body are trying to compensate for how messed up my knee is, so I've been having pain in my ankle and back as well. Plus, as always, my severe bunions are really painful (I eventually need surgery for the bunions, but life keeps getting in the way).

My apartment is filthy. There's pet fur all over the floor, everything is unorganized and a mess, I haven't put away Christmas decor yet, etc. It's honestly overdue for a deep cleaning (baseboards, walls, etc), but right now I can't even keep up with the basic day-to-day stuff. I'm so stressed out and I can't stop crying.

I try to break everything down to do a bit each day, but I only seem able to do part of what I plan for each day, because the pain is so bad, and my knee not only hurts, but also starts giving out on me.

I am in too much pain to take my dog on nice walks, and I feel horrifically guilty about that. I used to walk to therapy (a little over a mile, a walk through a really nice park where I like to play Pokemon Go), but I can't manage that anymore because of the pain, either. Running errands is a struggle, taking out the trash is a struggle,

I do my best to play with Nate (partners' son) when he comes over, but I can't sit on the floor with him anymore, because it's too hard to get back up. I can't run around with him. I keep having to tell him that we have to play sitting down. And I feel so guilty about that, because he's an active kid, and he wants me to run and play with him like I used to.

The pain is affecting my mood. I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm frustrated. I'm beginning to have suicidal thoughts at times, because I feel like I don't have much quality of life right now (I will not act on those thoughts).

When I was a kid, I lived in filth and squalor as part of the abuse and neglect from my parents. For a long time, as an adult, I continued to live in filth squalor, because it was what I knew. Eventually, I had enough and learned how to keep a pretty decently clean home (not perfect by any means, but clean). Now, I feel like it's falling back to the way I used to live, because I'm in too much pain to maintain my home properly.

I managed to get a little done today, but it's not really even enough to put a dent in things. I don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone I can ask for help, because they're all too busy with their own stuff.

Oh, and I got a severe sinus infection right before Christmas, and was sick for almost 2 weeks before I found out it was bacterial and I needed antibiotics. I'm on antibiotics now and the sinus infection is a lot better, but that also put me even more behind on trying to take care of my home.

I just don't know what to do.

HAMILTON, Angelica Tour, Columbus OH, October 6, 2022.



CAST

Hamilton: Edred Utomi

Eliza: Kendyl Sayuri Yokoyama (U/S)

Burr: Josh Tower

Angelica: Stephanie Umoh

Washington: Paul Oakley Stovall

Lafayette/Jefferson: David Park

Mulligan/Madison: Tyler Belo

Laurens/Philip: Jon Viktor Corpuz

Peggy/Maria Reynolds: Yana Perrault

King George: Peter Matthew Smith

First, I should say that I've watched the professional recording of HAMILTON on Disney+ countless times since it was released, as well as listening to the original Broadway cast recording countless times. As much as I love it, I actually feel that these repeat viewing may have done me a disservice going in to see the show live. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I found myself initially comparing everyone and everything to that professional recording. Some of these comparisons were silly, such as noticing how loud it is onstage when they clink their cups together during "My Shot." Other comparisons were distracting, as my brain just didn't know how to process a different cast than the one from the professional recording. There's really no sense in my brain behaving this way; I'm a theatregoer from years back, over half my life, and I've seen so many different casts of so many different shows, and I've never had this problem before. I'm honestly embarrassed to have had this issue with HAMILTON. Luckily, as the show went on, my brain stopped trying to compare everyone, and I was better able to just sit back and enjoy the show.

Edred Utomi as Hamilton was a amazing. Very strong vocally, very earnest and eager in the first part of the show, while visibly becoming more sluggish and worn after Philip's death. By the time of his own death, he was weary and resigned to fate, and just ready to go.

Kendyl Sayuri Yokoyama was the understudy for Eliza, and she was absolutely incredible. Very tiny, but with a voice that was oh-so-big! She portrayed her character's journey so well. Her strongest moment was during "Burn," when her voice completely filled the theatre with its beauty and strength. The emotion she conveyed during that song was enough to take your breath away.

Josh Tower as Burr was very strong vocally, and did not disappoint during my favorite song ("Wait For It"). What really stunned me with him, however, was his interpretation of the end verse of "The Room Where It Happens." He vocally and physically became almost crazed, and it was almost frightening to see. Very effective!

Stephanie Umoh as Angelica was decent during "Satisfied," but really shined during "It's Quiet Uptown." The whole theatre seemed to be in tears.

Paul Oakley Stovall really came across as older and wiser, but I thought he sounded strange over the microphone through much of the show, something about his pronunciations. His voice was amazing, though, especially during "One Last Time."

David Park as Lafayette had a rather slight French accent, but was able to rap incredibly fast during his character's more challenging bits. I thought he was more effective as Jefferson, with just the right amount of cockiness and swagger.

Tyler Belo as Mulligan was very charming and charismatic. He didn't stand out quite as much as Madison, but was still stunning vocally.

Jon Viktor Corpuz was terrific as Laurens, both humorous and intense. He did a great job portraying child Philip, and then as a young adult, he was appropriately cocky and vulnerable.

Yana Perrault was cute and funny as Peggy, and absolutely smoldered as Maria. As Maria, she had very short hair, which I felt added somewhat to Maria's outsider status. I would love to hear her sing more; she has a beautiful and rich voice.

Peter Matthew Smith was funny as King George, really hamming it up appropriately. He snarled quite a lot, exaggerating his words, etc. The audience absolutely ate it up.

Other Notes: I absolutely sobbed during "Dear Theodosia." That song is very emotional for me, as someone who is an aunt and momo, and as someone whose parents were not always there for me. Edred Utomi and Josh Tower conveyed so much love for Hamilton's and Burr's respective children, and it was incredibly moving. I also think it's really worth noting just how amazing the ensemble is in this show. So much dancing and singing, and everything really blends together into this feverish intensity that's really just wonderful to see. Also, I want to acknowledge that there are very valid criticisms of this show as a whole, and I encourage everyone to read and research the actual history of the historical people who are portrayed in this show. They were not heroes. And I maintain that Burr is a more likeable person, both in this show and historically. Not that he was perfect; because, of course, he was not.

Something ate all the watermelon in my garden. Every last one. These were for Nate, and he checks them every time he's at my house. He is going to be devastated. I hate to do this, but I'm going to pick 1 small watermelon at the store, and when he gets back from Alabama, I will tell him it's from the garden. I'll be honest and tell him animals were eating the watermelons. But I'll lie and tell him I saved one for him just in time. Nate will still get the lesson about nature and gardening (that animals sometimes eat what you plant); I'm just making the lesson a little less harsh by making him think one watermelon survived. Please don't judge me for lying. He's already upset that his grandfather died, and I don't want him to be completely disappointed about the watermelon. He's been so excited all Summer, waiting for the watermelon to be ready. I know it's stupid, but I'm literally sobbing over this. He struggles with so much as it is (autism, adhd, intellectual disability). I just want him to feel happy and proud of something (he's helped maintain the watermelon all Summer, and views them as his own watermelon garden).

Random childhood memory: My dad was listening to Neil Diamond, and I said I didn't like Neil Diamond. My dad replied: "That poor, poor man." I spent weeks feeling guilty for hurting Neil Diamond's feelings. I think this says a lot about me as a person. Another time, after I'd just outgrown watching Mr. Rogers, my mom told me that Mr. Rogers missed me. I went back to watching the show for another couple of years, so I wouldn't hurt Mr. Rogers feelings. I'd now say that the world would benefit from watching more Mr. Rogers. However, I still maintain that I don't care for Neil Diamond.

There will be no porch time today.
The dog's time in the backyard will be frantic and rushed.
The curtains are drawn, and
We must be quiet.
We're back to
Hiding from the landlord.
Can't let anyone know
The Problem started here,
Even though it's not really
Our fault anymore.
Can't let anyone see the
Holes punched in the walls and
The literal writing on the wall,
Because his father hasn't patched it yet.
We're back to
Hiding from the landlord.
Can't let anyone see how
Bad The Problem is.
Have to make The Problem better
Before I can
Ask for help with The Problem.
Can't let anyone know
How Bad I had to let It become.
This is Living Overwhelmed.
This is
Living in Fear.
This is Housing Insecurity that
Never ends.

I'm fully aware that this isn't some profound statement, but we really are different people over the course of our lives. At the same time, we're the same person for the duration, too, of course. I certainly am (more or less) the same person I was 20 years ago, and even beyond that, back into my adolescence and childhood. But did I ever think, back 20 or more years, that my purpose in life would be the caretaking of an intellectually disabled autistic child? Hell, no.

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The nights are the hardest.

During the day, I can distract myself more effectively.

I can work on my diamond dot crafts. I can binge watch YOU on Netflix.

I can (slowly) earn gift cards doing crap on MyPoints. I can play YoWorld; I can check my email. I can do my volunteer section moderating on the self-harm page of the online forum for people who've been raped. I can check Reddit, Livejournal, Tumblr, Nextdoor, Facebook.

I can drink my coffee, feed my pets, make myself breakfast, wash the dishes, put away the laundry.

Once dinner time rolls around, the crying has begun. Sometimes, they come visit me for dinner, but I know they will always leave now. Sometimes, I am supposed to eat alone. And I feel very hungry, but very disgusted at the same time, so I can't eat the dinner I prepare. I throw it away and eat crackers or chips instead.

I spend the night trying to do the things I did during the day, but I can't focus anymore. I cry a lot. I count the minutes until it's not too early to take my meds and go to bed. My bed is a California King, and although I am very fat, I feel so Tiny in my big bed. For some cruel reason, my dog and cats (two cats, because Kimberly took Willow with her; Willow, the cat who ALWAYS slept on my pillow Before), my dog and cats have not been sleeping with me. I beg my dog and cats to sleep with me; I fill the bed with pillows and stuffed animals. I keep the tissue boxes handy. I turn on old episodes of Johnny Carson and leave them on all night, because every Little Sound is Scary. Every Little Sound could be someone breaking into my duplex to Hurt me in some way. I keep the TV on because I'm not used to sleeping in the Quiet. I'm used to sleeping to the sounds of lovers snoring and breathing.

But now it's Quiet. All the Time. Quiet.

One night, Joe stays over, and we watch a few episodes of SUPERGIRL and make tacos. But he's more interested in my body parts than he is my thoughts and tears, and then he falls asleep.

One night, Kim and Nate stay over. And it is the best night in the world now. It is Home. We eat sandwiches and watch Disney movies. I make Nate a special snack. I read him his bed time story, and he is safe where I can see him. Kim doesn't feel well, so she falls asleep shortly after Nate does. But I can feel her and hear her in bed next to me, and everything is Okay. It's How Things are Supposed to Be.

But then morning comes, and I'm Alone again, and it feels like Forever.

It's been less than a week.