"I don't wanna be old and sleep alone. An empty house is not a home." ~Keane, "Atlantic."
The nights are the hardest.
During the day, I can distract myself more effectively.
I can work on my diamond dot crafts. I can binge watch YOU on Netflix.
I can (slowly) earn gift cards doing crap on MyPoints. I can play YoWorld; I can check my email. I can do my volunteer section moderating on the self-harm page of the online forum for people who've been raped. I can check Reddit, Livejournal, Tumblr, Nextdoor, Facebook.
I can drink my coffee, feed my pets, make myself breakfast, wash the dishes, put away the laundry.
Once dinner time rolls around, the crying has begun. Sometimes, they come visit me for dinner, but I know they will always leave now. Sometimes, I am supposed to eat alone. And I feel very hungry, but very disgusted at the same time, so I can't eat the dinner I prepare. I throw it away and eat crackers or chips instead.
I spend the night trying to do the things I did during the day, but I can't focus anymore. I cry a lot. I count the minutes until it's not too early to take my meds and go to bed. My bed is a California King, and although I am very fat, I feel so Tiny in my big bed. For some cruel reason, my dog and cats (two cats, because Kimberly took Willow with her; Willow, the cat who ALWAYS slept on my pillow Before), my dog and cats have not been sleeping with me. I beg my dog and cats to sleep with me; I fill the bed with pillows and stuffed animals. I keep the tissue boxes handy. I turn on old episodes of Johnny Carson and leave them on all night, because every Little Sound is Scary. Every Little Sound could be someone breaking into my duplex to Hurt me in some way. I keep the TV on because I'm not used to sleeping in the Quiet. I'm used to sleeping to the sounds of lovers snoring and breathing.
But now it's Quiet. All the Time. Quiet.
One night, Joe stays over, and we watch a few episodes of SUPERGIRL and make tacos. But he's more interested in my body parts than he is my thoughts and tears, and then he falls asleep.
One night, Kim and Nate stay over. And it is the best night in the world now. It is Home. We eat sandwiches and watch Disney movies. I make Nate a special snack. I read him his bed time story, and he is safe where I can see him. Kim doesn't feel well, so she falls asleep shortly after Nate does. But I can feel her and hear her in bed next to me, and everything is Okay. It's How Things are Supposed to Be.
But then morning comes, and I'm Alone again, and it feels like Forever.
It's been less than a week.
During the day, I can distract myself more effectively.
I can work on my diamond dot crafts. I can binge watch YOU on Netflix.
I can (slowly) earn gift cards doing crap on MyPoints. I can play YoWorld; I can check my email. I can do my volunteer section moderating on the self-harm page of the online forum for people who've been raped. I can check Reddit, Livejournal, Tumblr, Nextdoor, Facebook.
I can drink my coffee, feed my pets, make myself breakfast, wash the dishes, put away the laundry.
Once dinner time rolls around, the crying has begun. Sometimes, they come visit me for dinner, but I know they will always leave now. Sometimes, I am supposed to eat alone. And I feel very hungry, but very disgusted at the same time, so I can't eat the dinner I prepare. I throw it away and eat crackers or chips instead.
I spend the night trying to do the things I did during the day, but I can't focus anymore. I cry a lot. I count the minutes until it's not too early to take my meds and go to bed. My bed is a California King, and although I am very fat, I feel so Tiny in my big bed. For some cruel reason, my dog and cats (two cats, because Kimberly took Willow with her; Willow, the cat who ALWAYS slept on my pillow Before), my dog and cats have not been sleeping with me. I beg my dog and cats to sleep with me; I fill the bed with pillows and stuffed animals. I keep the tissue boxes handy. I turn on old episodes of Johnny Carson and leave them on all night, because every Little Sound is Scary. Every Little Sound could be someone breaking into my duplex to Hurt me in some way. I keep the TV on because I'm not used to sleeping in the Quiet. I'm used to sleeping to the sounds of lovers snoring and breathing.
But now it's Quiet. All the Time. Quiet.
One night, Joe stays over, and we watch a few episodes of SUPERGIRL and make tacos. But he's more interested in my body parts than he is my thoughts and tears, and then he falls asleep.
One night, Kim and Nate stay over. And it is the best night in the world now. It is Home. We eat sandwiches and watch Disney movies. I make Nate a special snack. I read him his bed time story, and he is safe where I can see him. Kim doesn't feel well, so she falls asleep shortly after Nate does. But I can feel her and hear her in bed next to me, and everything is Okay. It's How Things are Supposed to Be.
But then morning comes, and I'm Alone again, and it feels like Forever.
It's been less than a week.