Tag Archives: forgiveness

Challenge, Letting Go

Letting Go Challenge: Week Six

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I apologize for the low quality picture. I took it at night because I wanted to make sure I got the stuff that was going to be dropped off at work out the next day, and the other two weren’t taken under the best photographic conditions, either.

28 Things:

  • 1. Storage container for my medicine
  • 2. Magic Wand
  • 3. “I am loved” button
  • 4. Downy packet
  • 5. Bag of cat food
  • 6. Button
  • 7. Arthritis patches
  • 8. Phone Charger
  • 9. Single Knee Hi
  • 10. Mini shampoo
  • 11. Mini conditioner
  • 12. Big bottle of conditioner
  • 13. Book (look, i’ve started!) Zach’s lie
  • 14. Top of a candle
  • 15, 16, and 17: Three broken and/or empty pens
  • 18.  Alarm company security sign
  • 19. Laptop box
  • 20. Purple scarf
  • 21. Alcohol bottle
  • 22. Empty hair conditioner tube — found in a drawer
  • 23. Black pants
  • 24. Blue pants
  • 25. Bra that has never fit
  • 26 and 27. Two pairs of shoes
  • 28. Writer’s Market 2013

One of the things I’ve discovered this week is the joy of seeing reaction of someone when I pass something on. I had the chance to see it twice.

The magic wand was given to me by an incredible lady when I was having a rough time.  She is my purple fairy godmother. I’ve had it for a few years, and, as I was cleaning up, I discovered an old pin that said “I am loved.”  I’m not sure where I got that from.

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Someone I have known for over ten years–one of my first friends when I came to work for my employer–was in the hospital.  We have had a tumultuous history, most of the tumult resulting from the fact that I really, really hated myself and had no idea who I was. Well, I knew what I was: I was venomous, but I couldn’t do anything to stem the flow. It just poured out of me, infecting everything I touched.

I was the opposite of Midas: Instead of turning things to gold, I turned them to shit.

Except for her. The thing was, she kept reaching out again and again and again when I really, really didn’t deserve it.

We would hang out, then not hang out, then hang out again, mostly going our separate ways when I got a transfer and she started attending church.  We would see each other or text once in a while, but mostly it was space.  A lot of it, I think, was because I couldn’t look her in the eye.

But then I found out, quite by accident, that she was in the hospital, in isolation because her condition was so dire.  I waited a few days before contacting her, hoping she’d be out of isolation.  It was within this span that I found my magic wand and the pin.

And so I contacted her and found that she was able to receive company.  The first thing I did after giving her a hug made awkward by her hospital bed, and only a little bit by tension, was to give her the magic wand with the pin stuck in it.

I told her a little about the wand, but I don’t know if I told her that I didn’t need it any more. I guess the assumption is there since I was passing it down.

That was a bright moment: when I found it, I realized that, no matter what circumstances look like, I really didn’t need a magic wand.  Now, the joke is that there is no magic wand that makes everything better; it’s just a representation of good wishes from a lady who wished she could make everything better for me. But the thing is, I really don’t need a magic wand. That wand became my wish I could make everything better for my hospital-bound friend.

I don’t remember what we talked about, mostly catching up, with my attempting to apologize for how shitty I was to her. Back in the day, my “personal space bubble” was nearly infinite, and I didn’t tolerate anyone invading it very well, and made sure everyone knew it.

At the end, she said, “That what’s you do when you love someone. Give them space and hope they come back.”

Anger, I’ve found, doesn’t have to be a way of life.  It’s much better when it isn’t.  And it’s not that I’ve changed–I haven’t changed. I just lost a lot of the garbage that wasn’t me.

Life is really, really good.

Also, the “ice chest” that my Enbrel came in served another purpose. My nephew received a bike for his birthday with a platform on the back.  With a little bungee-cording, it fit perfectly.

So this:

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Became this:

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And life is really, really good.

Challenge, Letting Go

Letting Go Challenge: Week Two

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This week’s 21 things:

  • very dirty, worn out door mat
  • terra cotta owl
  • Glen Haven ear cleanser
  • Flea and Tick spray
  • Cat Calmant
  • Dermacare Anti-Itch Spray
  • Hairball Remedy
  • Extreme Groom Waterless Foam shampoo
  • Chinese take out dish (cracked, courtesy of the dog)
  • Rubbermaid storage piece and lid (chewed, courtesy of the dog)
  • 9 small spools of thread (where do they keep coming from?)
  • Peanut butter jar lid (I don’t even want to know)

This week was a trip back in time, and one I’m surprisingly grateful for.

All of the cat items (listed by brand in case I want to find them again) were from a time I had been reunited with my cats after Hurricane Katrina. (So, the stuff is at least NINE years old!)

I was very grateful that I had someone far away to take them in when I couldn’t. I was living in a fish camp on the river at the time, not exactly the driest place to be that summer, but it was drowned in mud and dead fish and, to this day, has yet to be rebuilt.

It has, however, been cleaned and gutted.  So, no dead fish smell.

I was grateful that someone had taken them in.  He had offered to take me in, too, but I was too stubborn, too tied to the Mississippi Gulf Coast and my family to ever truly consider leaving.

They had been staying in Florida, vacationing as I called it, while we dealt with the aftermath.

The hurricane itself was a breeze (ha!), I actually slept through the majority of it, but the aftermath was something entirely different. That was a rough time for me; I was living in a camper far too tight for cats who couldn’t stand each other, my alpha having already been returned to me due to her inability to play well with others. She’s never really played well with others.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing a book about her.

I was not so grateful, however, when I saw what shape they were in when they returned.

All of these products were either purchased by the Keeper of the Cats during their stay, or by me to help them recuperate after their stay.

It was a long road to recovery for all of us. It took them a long time get healthy again, and it took me a long time to get my anger within healthy parameters again.

In the end, I realized that he did the best that he could given the circumstances, and he did a hell of a lot more than I was able to, given the circumstances. Once I realized this, this key fact: that he, for all of his attributes and actions, character and circumstances, honestly did the best that he could do, there was something that was similar to–but not quite–forgiveness that sparked within me.

I had realized there was nothing to forgive despite how things may have appeared.

When that happened, I could forgive myself for subjecting them to such tribulation: there was nothing to forgive. I, too, had done the best that I could have done given my attributes and actions, character and circumstances.

There was nothing to forgive despite how things may have appeared.

And I’m not saying that I’d make the same choice today that I made back then. I have, after all, learned a LOT about emergency preparedness since Katrina.  It’s just that the choice I made was the best one I could have made at the time.

And that is glorious. No blame. No shame. It just was.

It probably was one of the most powerful lessons on forgiveness I’ve ever had.

A side note: I had originally included my Misfit  (so very NOT recommended), but switched it out for another item when I found out I may be able to get my money back on it.

The owl I had bought for someone’s birthday at least 2 years ago. I’ll be gifting it this week.

Forty-two things gone. The thread (all of it) re-homed with a sewing-addicted coworker, the rest of it trashed or re-homed.

I have to say that I am just a little bit impressed with myself.

I had a little lagniappe for the week: In cleaning out my junk drawer, I switched drawers, so that my “junk” drawer is a much smaller one, and what had previously been the junk drawer now holds dish towels. The result of this is that I have a little more room in my pantry, since it was holding the dish-towel overflow.

What a magnificent thing.

Journey

Random Friday Five

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…because I just don’t have time to get into how truly, truly cool things are right now.

1) I learned how to use the MP3 player. I freaking rock. Hearing Tool in stereo is one of the coolest things I’ve ever experienced. Ever.

2) Day 15 without any chocolate, period. Not one whit of Valentine’s candy (which is still waiting for me), or a single mocha. I even have cocoa, pudding, and various other stuff in the house and have (temporarily, I hope?) lost all craving for it. I am incredibly amazed by the experience. I’ll be celebrating March 1st, though, by a mocha at sunset, hopefully at the Beau Rivage.

3) Although probably more related to #2 than I want to admit, my jeans are getting frighteningly loose. Actually, I noticed it in my underwear first. Like falling down loose. That could become a problem if I somehow trip on them. Considering I’m now walking with an MP3 player, that might happen sooner rather than later.

4) The more I read about Kate Chopin, the more I am totally, totally digging her. She was one awesome, awesome woman. I’m currently reading “Unveiling Kate Chopin” by Emily Toth, which, is a horribly, horribly written book. It’s good in its factual information, but the author is so biased by her own agenda which clearly shows through in the first half of the book that it makes it absolutely painful to read. It makes rather strong claims in such places, provides very little support (and shaky support at that) and then makes it a theme of the book. (Alleged sexual abuse of Chopin by Union Soldiers based on the word “outrage” when they came to the 13 year old Kate’s household household to force them to raise a Union Army flag). Toth’s writing is unprofessional, catty, and she can’t seem to keep from making “men are shit” comments throughout the bulk of the book. Toth is an English professor at LSU, apparently, and because I cannot imagine sitting through a class by such a woman, I’ve stricken LSU off my list of possible grad schools.

Seriously. I’m that horrified.

And, finally…

5) As of tomorrow, when a certain letter and a certain check go into the mail to a certain Ex, I will be utterly, utterly, free. I’ve forgiven him, I’ve forgiven myself, and now it’s just time to move onward and upward, bringing my girls with me.
—————-
Now playing: Live – Good Pain
via FoxyTunes

Journey

True Love

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I swore I wouldn’t, but I did. I read the blog, curious as to see what he would write after our little tete-a-tete.

It was pretty much as I expected, but I was surprised at how much it stung, anyway, all things considered. And I had this big “thing” built up in my head about how I was right, and he was wrong, and I could prove it…blah, blah, blah…

…and as I was walking this morning, I realized that it didn’t matter. It just didn’t matter. Nothing I could say would ever change his opinion of me, or change the condition of the cats, or do anything productive whatsoever, and then the most wonderful thing happened. I let go because I realized that it just didn’t matter.

Continue reading True Love →