I’m often asked about the role of negative emotions and upsetting experiences in the healing journey and so I thought I’d write this article to explain how I think they fit and the value they can provide.
Many people assume that because of the transformational work that I’m involved in and the importance of using language wisely to stimulate good neurological pathways that everything I do is focused on being and staying positive.
But this isn’t actually true. In fact, just having the filter of ‘is it positive or is it negative?’ is not a sensitive enough way of approaching the complexity of life. In the Lightning Process, we suggest that it is not about being ‘positive or negative’ but instead is about identifying if something is ‘life-enhancing or not’. This is very helpful for situations such as feeling emotional and wanting to cry, wanting to complain about something that you found very difficult, dealing with trauma or grief and so on.
If we use the simplistic rule of ‘is it positive or negative?’ then being emotional about something and wanting to cry could be classed as negative and lead you to think you need to move away from expressing that.
If we instead apply the question ‘is it life enhancing?’ then the answer could be very different depending on the moment.
If something really significant has happened or you’re feeling that crying might be the best release for this moment then you’ve made a valuable choice recognising this response to this particular situation is life-enhancing and crying is an excellent choice.
If however something upset you 10 years ago and you’re still crying daily about it that would suggest there may be something that needs to be resolved to make this a more life-enhancing response rather than just sitting in that emotion much of the time.
Complaining is another good example. Complaining is generally considered ‘negative’ but there are times when having a moan about something that’s been difficult for you can be clearing and allows you to move on quicker – and is, therefore, life-enhancing. However, continuing to complain about it all night and day and all week may not be life-enhancing. But again, the measure ‘is it life enhancing?’ helps you decide where you want to put your energy. One moment you may decide, yes, I need to just offload about this and go blurgggh – another moment, at a later time, you may think ‘now I’m done with this’. And this is the real gift of that phrase ‘is it life enhancing?’ It helps you to decide if this is useful for you at this time or if you’re just doing it through habit or through stuck neurology that isn’t helping things move forwards. This helps to ‘flag’ experiences or memories as ones that need further reflection and processing, ones that inform us that we need to learn something more completely from them in order to let them go and move our lives forwards.
Finally, the ‘is it life-enhancing’ conversation is vital when working with others. Although we may be keen to help people move into healthier and more positive neurology, no work can be done to help this until there is a good sense of trust and connection between the practitioner and client. The research is very clear that this is essential for helping people to make change. If the practitioner is being buoyant, upbeat and positive when the client is not ready for that way of being yet, it can feel that they are not being listened to or properly understood. Breaking this sense of connection, however well intended, will result in a lack of trust and poor results. Meeting the client where they are and being able to just be with them until they are ready at their speed and pace to move forwards is essential. This will sometimes mean the conversations will not be entirely positive. Phrases like ‘that does sound like a lot to deal with’ or ‘that’s tough which are not positive are super important here and are life-enhancing. This is because by maintaining kind and thoughtful communication, even when there are ‘difficult to hold emotions’, is an essential part of the journey from there to somewhere better.
I hope that you find this valuable. If you have any questions do get in touch.
Phil
