What Number?

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated

She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.

She said – “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel Luckier when I’m nude.”

With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-

“Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the Dice came to a stop, she jumped and yelled – “Yes, Yes,

I Won.. I Won..”

She hugged each dealer and picked up her winnings and clothes and left.

The dealers gazed at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked-

“What number rolled on the dice?”

The other – “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

(Author Unknown)

Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, That’s against the law. I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide.

Just get a divorce!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription…

(Author Unknown)

Keep the old motor running

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, ‘This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?’

The old man grinned and said, ‘You got to keep the old motor running.’

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, ‘Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?’

The old man grinned and said, ‘You gotta keep the old motor running.’

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, ‘Well, you surely are something awesome!

How do you do it?’

The old man replied, ‘It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.’

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:

Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one is black!

(Author Unknown)

Holistic

“A woman’s mind is as murky as the muddy river because they simply cannot declassify. But the beauty of possessing a holistic mind is that they can lump actions with dire consequences which made them the far safer sex. Anyhow, it twitches me to know how yoga could possibly help women untwine unless they are prepared to lose their identity and become man instead. Speaking with a coarser voice, growing beards under their chin, eating fajitas wearing a hot sweaty singlet.”

Gallantry

“A man cannot give up his gallantry in exchange for truce with his partner of the opposite sex. Even though a woman may feel safer and secure with a compliant man she can dominate, her esteem for him will wean off eventually , once she notices her all familiar ‘ knight in shining armor ‘ losing grip over his own identity of being a man. The symptom begins with her telling others that she is the one who wears pants in her family.? Well well…
I am not saying men must deny the rightful privileges accorded to the female specie. I am not telling you to treat her badly. All I am saying is that if you have reasons to believe that your partner erred, be firm and stand solid on your ground when you spell it out to her. Let her see the knight within you ooze out from the cavalry in which she secretly craves. But never, never ever appease her unsettledness with apologies just because you longed for a moment of peace. These are the things most men habitually does that you shouldn’t do. The female specie is lousy at reasoning and logic. They fail to understand the dynamics of how she could be the root cause of his wussy behavior. Deep down, woman indeed craves for a hero who could sweep her off her feet, one which she was totally smittened with a long time ago. It is in-built within their system. It is something most women are unaware of and is affirmed in every Disney cartoon movie. A woman wants and craves for a knight in shining armor. Not a minion hiding under her pinion .
Thus, to the man, behave like how a rightful man behaves and if possible, behave like a gentleman.”

Secret of Success

The secret of success is not in keeping opportunities to yourself but in giving opportunities to others. The goodness echoing behind you is more valuable than the praises others sing in front of you. Always stay humble.

Abandoned

“ Perhaps mankind did abandon everything modern man discovers, built or invented- the so called lost civilizations and went back to the caves, happily feeding on roots and nuts, swinging all day long on the trees, no longer bother to even groom themselves. That explains all the mysterious objects found inside these remnants that till today baffles mankind.”

Inkling

Some people forgo righteousness, moral decency and good values, preferring to side richest, caste, seniority and companionship, for as long as they benefit. Some people tries to stay relevant by using others as their trampoline. Some people create hypes to cut losses. Some people have an uncanny inkling to always side the wrong people.

A change of government is good. But a change of mindset is even better. Otherwise, democracy could only mean a change of clothes.”

What Chinese Did

I wonder what the Chinese did to this world when having a little more money makes everyone suspicious of you? Throughout the course of history, was there a moment where the Chinese set out to colonize anyone? No. All they did was to go in search of friendship and trade.

In world history, China itself was colonized a few times.

When the Siamese and Javanese paid homage to China in the early days of the Malacca Sultanate, it was not by duress. They seek China’s help to make South China Sea safe again because it was inundated with pirates which China successfully did in the spirit of friendship and peace. The British did nothing. Thus, Siam and Java felt obligated. Did China then invade and take over Thailand and Java (currently Indonesia)? No.

When the Sultan of Malacca decided not to pay homage to Siam and Java but to China direct after he found out that both of these countries which he pays homage to uncannily pays homage to China, did China colonise Malacca? No. Instead it got the King of Siam upset who then sent his battleships over to attack Malacca but rescinded after they were defeated by the Sultan which marks the period where Siam cease control of Malacca where it once belonged to them.

Read your history.

When Nigeria and Sri Lanka took loans from China and found out that they can’t service the loans, did China colonise Sri Langka and Nigeria? No they did not. Instead China wrote off one debt and tries to salvage the airport it gave loan to the other. And what did China get themselves into? Only this. People accusing them of economic colonization. Maybe in your mind, China should behave like a commercial bank and auction off these countries to the highest bidder to recover their bad debts instead?

Does that sound more ideal to you?

When countries like ours takes massive loans from China, do you really think China doesn’t know you can’t pay them back? The same way China knew the other poorer countries which took loan from them can’t pay them back?

If a good friend takes a personal loan from you, will you lend it to him knowing he can’t pay you back?

A lot of times, as a Chinese I can vouch for this. We will. Without collateral even. Because we can understand how hard life is like when one has no money. And we work hard from scratch without grants or aid. No race can understand money more than the Chinese. Doesn’t commercial banks only gives out loans with collateral and a guarantee?  If what the banks does are legitimately business and earns interest from you, what is the difference between China as a wealthy country giving out loans to you the same way he gave loans to others? The difference is China is not getting anything back because with such low interest, China could have invested it themselves with their multitude of amazingly talented entrepreneurs. What more? They could have watched you die off and be colonized by other countries you took loan from. To prevent that from happening, they gave it to you. But do you appreciate it?

China didn’t colonise us. China could if they wish to. But they didn’t. All they wanted was a rail throughout the entire world where their goods can be shipped out just as fast as they were produced. If the rail is a means of access from them to you, isn’t it Vice versa a means for us as well?

So what is this fuss about people who knows you’re in a dilemma trying to help you out in times of need but instead of saying thank you, all you can think of is getting suspicious over their ulterior motive that makes you want and went to side those that history has proven to be colonizers? Like I say, China has multitudes of creative entrepreneurs. We are but a thorn on their back.

The reason why China is encouraging their citizens to venture abroad is because if they don’t , all the money they amass wouldn’t mean a thing if the citizens invest it into their own country and as a result , they were left with as of today, 50 million untenanted houses and apartments filled with nothing but smog because the citizens are too busy buying too many cars and having too many industries!

So, stop getting suspicious over them!

And look at yourself in the mirror! Ask yourself if you have the generosity inbuilt within all Chinese to help others and always did it in the spirit of friendship and harmony? No you don’t. Let’s face it!

All you can think of is wanting to control the world the way your forefathers did. If not, you’d secretly want to destroy everything that China owns! .And if you can’t do that, you’d destroy the world! And you are so lowly, I think you are even afraid of your own shadow! Why didn’t you get worried when the Shell, Exxon, BP and Texaco Service Stations are worldwide? McDonald’s? Prudential? Apple? Stanchart?

With your kind of thinking, I am a little worried for you.

Three bottles of Jack Daniels

In a pub in Patiala, a group of American tourists walked in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I heard you Sikh think you’re great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no-one here can consume 3 bottles of Jack Daniels in 10 minutes”

The bar was silent.

The American noticed one Sardarji leaving, and no one took the bet.

20 minutes later, the Sardarji who left returned. He said, “Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?”

“Sure” said the American, “3 bottles of Jack Daniels in 10 minutes for a bet of $5,000 .”

“Grand” replied the Sikh. “So pour the whisky and start the clock.”

It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds left to spare.

“OK Yank, pay up.” said the Sardarji!

“I’m happy to pay, here’s your money” said the American.

“But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go to?”

“Well sir”, replied the Sardarji,

” $5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I first went to the pub across the road & tried 3 bottles of Jack Daniels to see if I could finish it!”

(The American is still in ICU)

(Author Unknown)

Civil Liberty

Nothing infringes the civil liberties of man more than uncivilized man, who uses the basis of your belief more oftenly your religion, to reshape you to whom they like you to be, so they can control you, and use you to their liking.

Prodigal Son

If your brother decided not to work the fields but travels the world making a fool of himself, then comes back as a prodigal son and your father welcomes him home, prepares a bath, gave him some new clothes and food, and gave him one talon because he says your brother deserves it, whilst you have been toiling all your life, laboring from morn till sunset in the fields sacrificing a life of your own to be with your father who also thinks you deserve equally, just one talon for your effort for always being with him all your life, that my friend if you sink it in, is communism. Not democracy. Because your father loves one not less than the other despite what each does or the difference in journey in life each has taken. And that is the peril of Christianity for you.

Social Engineering

Social engineering begins with the young. Thus, the ultimate giveaway of good governance is by the study of its education policy. The direction of a country can also be gauged by what is being fed to the schools through its syllabuses.

Ye said a Protestant!

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

‘Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?’

The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.’

‘Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’

‘OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.’

‘What was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.

Girl, crying again, ‘A prostitute, Daddy!.’

‘Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

(Author Unknown)

Disability Benefit

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for pension and other benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants instead. You might have got disability benefit too!

(Author Unknown)

Free to go

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

“No!” Trump said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

(Author Unknown)

Fb vs Instagram

“People who generally likes to talk about themselves or post things about themselves without giving a hoot about what others does or things happening outside their own world should migrate from Facebook to Instagram. Because Instagram is for the self engrossed who talks lesser but posts more pictures whereas Facebook is for people who cares about what’s going on in the world outside their own circle without losing focus on themselves or their friends.”