Funny short Jokes 1

Posted by fiveloaf on

1) DON’T LOOK AT NAKED LADY

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?

Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I’ll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!

(2) NAMES OF WIVES

A man had 4 wives, and he called his…

4th wife….. baby doll

3rd wife…..china doll

2nd wife…..barbie doll

1st wife….. panadol !

(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME

This is how India got its name…..

The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him “is it In Dear?”…

(4) RESEARCH FINDING

Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas, while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1tea-spoon of starch!

(5) ARAB MAN

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.

‘Your name pls.’?

“Abdul Aziz ”

“Sex? ”

“Six times a week!! ”

“No, no, I mean male or female! ”

“Doesn’t matters, sometimes even camel !”

(6) SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.

Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service”

(7) HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?

Daughter on the cover of cosmo.

Son on the cover of sports illustrated.

Mistress on the cover of playboy

and…

Wife on the cover of “missing persons”

(8) SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?

To separate the HAIRY section

from the DAIRY section.

(9) GOOD AMBITION

Teacher: What do you want to become?

Little Johnny: Doctor !!

Teacher: Why?

Little Johnny: Because it is the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(10) DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist:

“It’s so painful, I’ll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.”

Dentist: “Make up your mind soon, I’ll adjust the chair accordingly.”

(11) VIRGIN

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.

The engraver shortened it to: ” RETURNED UNOPENED ”

(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL

75 yr old man got married to a 15 year girl.

On their first night both were crying.

Why ?

Because she didn’t know anything,

and he had forgotten everything!

(Author Unknown)

What went wrong?

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Political analysis in Malaysia

The results of the last GE was spectacular. There was new found hope on the faces of everyone and on the streets, there was an air of contentment permeating the grins of passers-by. Malaysians finally rose out from finger fiddling, and overcame its years of intimidation succumbing to the antics of a barbaric regime. Most importantly, the rakyat experience first hand what it was like to be united. Harmony once again became the bedrock of a diversified country once shattered by self centred politicians who divided to rule. Malaysians themselves overcame shame and showed the world, we can bring about change without so much as a bloodshed. There are tears in the eyes of fellow citizens of differing races shaking hands and hugging one another for that momentous victory. Everyone rejoices!

What made that change happened?

On the ground, the new government was brought about by souls getting tired and fed up with rampant corruption happening in broad daylight. Government contracts were awarded to cronies at exorbitant prices and to those accused, the old government offered protectionist policies overpowering the MACC in all its good intentions, and for as long as you are with them, and as long as you are with them, thieving mice all have a hand in the loot. When funds were low, so are their fiscal policies. The old government readied themselves to any country who could save them from the entrapment without considering if such policies could compromise its citizens security or the country’s sovereignty. As if that wasn’t good enough, they got their sidekicks to stir up racial and religious sentiment to shore up support. Polarisation was in full play whilst funds were continually plundered as politicians readied themselves for an ultimate deplete of a lifetime. To glorify themselves by resorting to hooliganism. But as fate would have determined the new winner, in one mighty swoosh that thundered down like Thor’s hammer, the regime was crippled. That swoosh of justice came from the spectacular landslide win given to the previous opposition and their life saving, country saving manifesto. The rakyat became the judge.

But after almost a year of a change in government, the rakyat has witnessed an ironical hattrick win by the opposition in three consecutive by-elections. Three wrongs doesn’t exactly make a right is a popular adage and how true it is thus, what actually went wrong? Let us examine…

The fiasco started with the previous government fanning ill-will riding on religious bigotry heightened by concerns about ICERD and the dangers of one race losing their rights under the new government. That ignited a chain of consoling speeches by the new government, not helped by the black shoe saga and the eponymous flying car slam-dunked in by a gamut of swashbuckling ministers. Further to this are the rate of absorbency re dubious opposition party members switching to the new camp at an alarming rate. That mass infiltration to the public only irks their confidence, one wonders the meaning of a general election when the leopard was already traded for a lion to see the spots of the leopard flung back on the lions torso. Thus, they are technically indifferent. What more, who then would be responsible for the public accounts audit? Why must a flurry of noted clowns with questionable ethics be absorbed into the winning party? This kind of polyandrous mathematics does not bode well with the public who already fulfilled their national obligation by voting them out through the ballot boxes to see them sprung back to life like bobbleheads released from captivity boxes. Subsequent to this, the public were again jolted off their seats by the retracting back of election manifestos annotated inside the new government’s Buku Jingga — one would have suspected it was hindered by our coffer crisis, later to be told that manifestos are merely just manifestos, not to be taken seriously. Not that the public doubted the capability of Tun in handling and managing crisis. But manifestos, like promises, needs to be fulfilled. Holding it back is tantamount to breaking the promises given to the rakyat. Why wouldn’t it be? Should anyone be comfortable with a government that lies to win?

The latest unwise decision involves the relinquishing of our participation in the Rome statute, the reasons which are allegedly tied to the spinning by the old government (now opposition) to garner support from the conservatives. Malaysia Baru, with all its intentions, has readied its citizens for change and the various races saw beyond colors to unite for a common reason — to see Malaysia rise again from the ashes, and the corrupt perpetrators punished, thus the overwhelming landslide mandate given. Resorting to the old ways is akin to keeping new wine in old skins. As the bible says, the old skins would eventually break and vice versa, old wine inside new skins. Today the public also learnt of the upholding of ninety percent of bumi quota into the Matriculation programmes. Would we expect future loyalty from those whom were conveniently side-lined when they scored more than 5 A’s in their SPM, to be designated elsewhere?

As concern Malaysians continues with their humdrum lives, the currency exchange sank into oblivion. It is as if the new government has lost touch with the ground. Not helped by the lack of discourses one could engage with the public which is the bedrock of every democracy. Perhaps what is ground breaking made too big a gap and everything just fell in. Wrong footed policies including the idea of having a Third National Car only gave reasons for the old government to ridicule the new. On the ground, more and more online medias as well as the main ones are spinning stories from where the new policies took off when situations are not fully explained. And without a solid economic transformation that brings value to its citizens, the train jumps off track and with it, the rakyats confidence. Even though some ill gotten gains may have spilled back to the banks during these difficult times. For whatever reasons the innocent were punished for. Thus, whatever that needs to be done to the economy must happen right now. Nothing loses the rakyats confidence more than when it hits their pocket and a government habitually asserting that they lack funds. If that is so, then why the Third National car then?

Last but not the least, if the hattrick win by the current opposition doesn’t convince you that the new government is heading the wrong way thinking that protectionist policies may garner you more votes from the conservatives, think again. The old government would not allow that bouncy image of a new Malaysia splattered in glorious colors except for one. Perhaps you have also forgotten that PAS was pulped during the GE for all the racist goodies they insinuate, not by the non-bumis but by the progressive bumis themselves! And if that hattrick does not convince you enough that you are purportedly going against the wishes of the citizens of a progressive contemporary Malaysia who wanted nothing more than the country saved, nothing else will. The minds of its citizens have changed. And this might be the only chance we ever get back on track!

For all the right things the new government swiftly did that saw the arrest of several crooks and the retrieval of ill-gotten gains in gigantic proportions, it is yet to see them being swiftly brought to justice. And where these monies landed to! We knew that from the way their politicians speak louder today than when they were in the government. But if by the next election, the perpetrators of our sanctity is not punished by the due process of our court, you can bode farewell to the historic support given you. By then this alert would have been history, and the country too late to be saved.

#tunm #tunmahathir #primeministerofmalaysia #tundrmahathir #pakatanharapan

Screw

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A Sardar visits a 5-star hotel in Paris.

As he sat there at the bar, enjoying his Black Label, a devastatingly hot French girl in a red dress, came to him and said something in French, which he wasn’t able to understand.

Unable to get over her heavenly body mixed with the heady aroma of her alluring French perfume, Sardar invited her to sit down next to him, took a napkin and drew a picture of a champagne glass.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of champagne for her.

After a while, he took another napkin, drew a picture of a plate with food on it , and she nodded.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing

She nodded, and they got up to dance.

When they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a screw.

Till date Sardar is scratching his head trying to figure out how on Earth, did she know about his hardware store in Punjab!

(Author Unknown)

Modern Education

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A young boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester,having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home.

“Dad” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing into!

They actually have a program here in our institution that teaches dogs how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,”his father says. “How do I get Jack into that program?”

“Just send him down here with $10,000″ the young boy says ” and I’ll get him in the course.”

So his father sends the dog and$10,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Jack doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read ??” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Jack into that program?”

“Just send $20,000, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

“Where’s Jack? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does.Then Jack turned to me and asked, so, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachel who lives down the street?”

The father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!”

(Author Unknown)

Faith and it’s Challenges

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“Heaven speaks to us through our sight. How we feel after, we must allow what goes on in our head to balance what goes on into our heart measuring it with goodness and responsibility. With or without your faith bothering you.

Challenges are everywhere. Challenges stems from our desire. And It is not only about ghostly spirits, evil charms or practices that could harm your inner temple. Challenges has appeared in the form of a stack of cash deposited to you as a cashier of a bank. Challenges can also appear as an image of a harmless fully clothed woman. Or even a camel when there is no woman in sight. How can a woman who throughout her existence be a friend to many but be raped then murdered just because she appears to be a threat to someone else’s desire?

Thus, are we suppose to make things appear and disappear from our sight at our convenience just because it tempts our desire? And get rid of every single element in front of us just because it goes against our faith?

Who are we to impose such rules upon others who could even be better in tackling challenges than us just because your faith said no? Who are we to get rid of things that God makes? Like pigs for instance. For if it is not worth God’s measure to include pigs into the animal kingdom, would pigs have appeared? Isn’t this world God’s creation?

So change your mindset my friend. I say to you that these things aren’t threats. Things that appear as threats to you is not necessarily a threat to others. Your threat stems from your desire. You may have a weakness for tv but to someone else, it could be ice cream. And if your desire is ice cream, your threat if went uncontrolled resulted in diabetes. And if your desire is liquor or sex, it may destroy the relationship you have with your wife and family. I have a group of friends who delivers and exorcise spirits. Today they are still alive and helping others. They did not become part of the evil spirit exorcised. Thus, the real threat my friend, lies within you yourself for not being able to control your own desires. Temptations and desire is your threat. Not what others do.

You can lock up a person but not his spirit and soul , or how they were created and endowed with. But a dance that originates way before the existence of your God and his teachings? Let it be. Regard it as a sport, entertainment and tradition that was passed down to you and abandoning it means cutting off an element which will make your whole existence questionable because bits and pieces were torn off your flesh which makes you unidentifiable. Be proud of your origin.

Your education and journey in faith came later as you begin to read and write. Faith didn’t teach us how to walk and run. That is a trait that came first through creation. Man was made to walk first. Man could do things way before God appears into their lives as faith.

Thus, control your desires at all times, so that your faith remains strong. Not control the externals that you feel could tempt you. Let others live the way they are called to. To put it in another way, you are in no position to be accused or punished for the sins they commit.

Let your faith be the light and example for others to see in the darkness. Let your example be known that others may follow you. But if keeping faith means punishing, ridiculing and barring others to live the life they choose so you could climb to heaven and not be tempted, let me say this to you. No one will follow you or your way of life unless it is by duress. And if that is the case, then, you need to reinspect your faith.

Listen to your inner voice at all times.”

Tight Slap

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A Manager, his Assistant, an old woman and her younger daughter were traveling in a train and during that course of time , they got acquainted.

The train went through a tunnel and it got dark.

Suddenly the sound of a kissing followed by a slap was heard.

The train emerges at the end of the tunnel.

The old women and the Assistant sat there looking perplexed.

The Manager bends over holding his face, apparently red from the slap.

No one said a thing.

The Old woman thought to herself:

“These Managers are skirt chasers. I bet he must have kissed my daughter. Good that she slapped him.”

The younger daughter thought to herself: “That Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.”

The Manager thought to himself:

“Damn it! My Assistant must have kissed that young girl and she thought it was me and slapped me instead.”

The Assistant’s thought to himself:

“If this train goes through one more tunnel, I will make another kissing sound and again give my Manager a tight slap. This Rascal keeps on harassing me in the Office!”

(Author Unknown)

Being Sardonic

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When decent looking people overdresses, they’d look gaudy, not classy. I just wonder the contours behind all those cover up and ponder if you’re really that badly made cos really, I am bewildered with your spasticity. Not that I am being sardonic.

Hidden Rules

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“It is alarming that Chinese has many hidden rules that even I am not aware of. Until I was recently made aware that the paint color used on tombstones, if it is gold, represents dead relatives and red, signifies the living. Thus on the grave of my grandparents, upon my discovery, my beloved cousins, siblings and I, have been dead for more than half a century already . Cant get more incredible than this years Cheng Beng. Drown me please somebody !”

Legal but not logical

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A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”

Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”

Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.

Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? ”

To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

“All right” says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”

(Author Unknown)

Unfaithful

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An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

(Author Unknown)

Do You Remember?

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An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

(Author Unknown)

Uncontrollable

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This world needed two sets of rules to regulate. One, for men to abide with and the other, for the place or the environment men lives in. Because men stupendously destroys his own environment and everything within his reach, then, men destroys himself.
Men, must in other words be controlled, before they become uncontrollable. Ever wonder how men left behind massive monuments like the Pyramids of Giza or the Great Wall of China without people in it?

Likewise, for great men that they revere to, they encast their achievements on stone steles or encase them inside catacombs, thus making relics out of them, after they expired. As for the insignificant rest, to dust they all head to.
Thus, when we encounter a well regulated country with everything running smoothly and efficiently, we all know that the two sets of rules are constantly in motion and cogged, with the strictest of enforcement. If not, men would have run it down, like how they ran everything down, and in the end, gave us lost civilizations.”
– Kris Lee 2019.

Chneh Meh Kay

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(Version in Hokkien)

Chneh Meh Kay

Tok Tiok Tharng

.

(Version in English)

A blind chicken

Pecks a worm!

.

About this saying:~

This phrase/saying is commonly used to describe how luck could strike undeserving people the same way a chicken , though blind, could peck worms.

The author/owner has compiled for record, a collection of early Hokkien sayings, proverbs, rhymes and ditties to capture the essence and spirit of his hoi polloi, a community originating from the southern province of Fujian, China where individuals climbed aboard bum boats, crossing the South China Sea to settle in faraway lands to escape the brewing civil unrest and a way out from hardship carrying along with them in their journey, nothing except their trademark ponytails and their beliefs, very much rooted in Confucianism. These ditties retell their story and their lifestyle way back then so that the younger generation can gain an insight and foothold to their origin..

Mousetrap

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A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

What food might this contain?” The mouse wondered – he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the goat and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The goat sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer’s wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital , and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his machete to the farmyard for the soup’s main Ingredient.

But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the goat.

The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

(Author Unknown)

Matrix versus Print

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“It is ironical for a self proclaimed printmaker to sell the matrixes separately from the prints in an arts show not unless the print edition is classified ‘unique’ and it came accompanied with the matrix. If the matrix is sold separately as a work of art beit or not at a reduced price, then the purchaser of the prints should be informed and those matrixes shall then by right be regarded as ‘wood carvings’ which in this case is not since the artist did not regard himself as a ‘wood carver’. This wood carving is by right a tool, medium or mode the printmaker uses to create his art and at most times is kept by the printmaker or dispose of since it no longer has meaning after the ‘unique’ copy is sold. The question then arises that if both prints and matrixes are up for sale, which then should a collector collect in this case and which has more value? The logical answer would be the print since that is the ‘end result’ of the printmakers craft and the matrix is but the ‘medium’. But preferably, the collector of the ‘unique’ print should own the matrix also if the printmaker wishes not to keep it. And it is not ethical for the printmaker to sell both the positive and negative separately, each as an artwork by itself. Moreover whoever owns the matrix could summon for multiple re-edition of prints made without the knowledge and consent of the printmaker or the owner of the unique print. And this, the ignorant collector should by right be informed as it lends concerns towards authentication issues.

If one looks back at the history of printmaking, the craftsmen doesn’t sell their matrixes. And in each artwork, there are as many matrixes as there are colors encountered.The key point to know about matrixes is that it is technically not ‘the’ work of art although many may admire its reverse intricacy and it will not appreciate in value or have a value equivalent to the print from which it is printed from provided in due course, the unique print is unintentionally or intentionally destroyed, went missing or disposed of for whatever reasons. In the last case the matrix can acquire antique value with collectors of matrixes which is rare or museums of printmaking provided the printmaker is highly regarded in the printing world.

The next question that beckons interest is can collectors add value to a series of prints that he deliberately purchased and then have them destroyed to reduce the edition number? The answer is yes. Scarcity adds value to the print concern provided the matrix held by the artist is also destroyed. But that act should preferably be staged as a public performance known to the art community. It must also be remembered that the act of destroying cannot be constituted as an element or trajectory of the print provided the artist is physically involved in the process. That act itself also does not lend new meaning to the original intention it was meant as a print neither does that act transforms it into conceptual art or makes the collector the artist of that print.

There is a tendency for collectors to want to add value to his collection by this act. But generally not unless he is the sole owner of that print, and provided it is a work from a notable printmaker.”

Fiveloaf 2014/2019

Ton-Tin

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“When one loses at the gambling table, one can either swiftly stand up and leave quietly or stay to sharpen one’s skill by deepening one’s anguish. One has no right to accuse the croupier or worse, corrupt the entire deck that has already been distributed. That is the trait of a loser everyone abhors.

In this scenario, the loser in his endeavor to stay relevant turns crafty thus he devices a ton-tin scheme where unbeknownst to the stakehouse, he manipulates the game by convincing all the naive gamblers to be his cohort because when no one wants to lose, everyone is kept on their toes, thus, he himself is kept safe.’

Weight Loss

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A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper.

“Lose 5kg in a week.”

He called the company & the lady said..

“Be ready tomorrow at 6am.”

The next morning he opened the door & found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying if you can catch me, you can fuck me!

And the girl started running.

He started chasing but didn’t catch her.

During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn’t.

However he lost 5 kg.

He then asked for the 10kg program.

Next morning at 6 am he opened the door & saw an even more beautiful girl in bikini saying “If you catch me, you fuck me!”

He lost 10kg that week.

So he thought this program was awesome!

And decided to try the 25kg!!

So he asked for the 25kg but the lady said “Are you sure? It’s really tough!”

He said “YES!”

Next day at 6 am he opened the door, and found a huge Negro guy saying “If I catch you u, I will fuck you!

(Author Unknown)

Reunion table

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Reunion is held on the first day of Chinese New Year. The servings on a reunion table according to Chinese tradition signifies abundance. Hence it is customary to have as wide an array of food available on this night. In contemporary society, fad and convenience has taken over tradition. Rarely does one still find whole chickens, suckling pigs, sharks fin, abalones, sea cucumbers, and all kinds of mushrooms and fishes being served except on important occasions as appeasing deities on the altar tables.

A Better Denominator

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Sports is a better denominator for world peace. It speaks a common lingo the whole world understands. And sportsmanship rules are abided by every participant. Those who breaks it gets penalized beit banned, disqualified or having their titles stripped off in disgrace. No need for weapons.

Those in business also knows that most deals got done on the golf courses than in the boardroom.

Thus from where we came from, in our own country, some arseholes need to learn that centuries old disputes could be settled backdoor because of friendship inculcated through sports. Instead of using it to create more tension.

Perhaps some arseholes should learn how not to get emotional and mind other people’s business, when our own train has jumped track eversince.

Ang Pow Giving

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On the first day of Chinese New Year as Confucianist practice dictates, the entire household of an extended family would tidy themselves up, all nicely coiffured before presenting themselves to the head of the household, (generally the matriarch) to receive special blessings and ang pows (red colored packets containing money symbolizing good luck, prosperity, great health and joy). As receiving ang pows is hierarchical, so it is with the givers, each taking turns distributing whilst juniors kow tow and wish ‘Keong Hee Huat Chye’ as a mark of respect to the givers. In our family we went a step further by serving tea to the elders. It is also customary that once a child got married, they are obligated to give ang pows to their parents. The unmarried are exempted from ang pow giving because to the Chinese, they are still rated a child. Thus, any family members can receive ang pows for as long as they remained single. In our Hokkien tradition, only the womenfolk gives away ang pows. Reason is that the menfolk are supposedly the breadwinners of the family whilst the womenfolk are in charge of household affairs.

This is my extended family.

1st pic- my grandma Gek Kee, receiving blessings from my great grandma, matriarch Saw Kit, at Boon Siew Mansion. Generally as a senior in the family herself, my grandma is no longer entitled to ang pows but I guess that also depends on the generosity of individuals and the wealth of each family.. Matriarch Saw Kit’s life sized bronze statue still graces the Home of the Infirmary, Penang.

2nd pic- Aunt Guat Eng, Aunt Gim Ean (deceased), Aunt Guat Hong, Aunt Loh Ean, Uncle Kah Poh (deceased), unidentified Aunt and my mom (deceased). Aunt Guat Hong and 2nd Tniau Seng Leong kow towed.

3rd pic- Tiny tots group pic with matriarch. Kah Heng (deceased), Kah Bee, and Kah Kheng (deceased).

An extended family has added advantages except for privacy and at least three generations of one household lives and stays together. That was the in -thing of that period for well to do family’s with big houses.

Images copyrighted. Circa 50s.

Size as yardstick

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If size is the yardstick used to gauge the prices of artworks, then I guess I’m worth no different than the other 1.76m tall baboon of similar weight standing next to me. That also means that everything else I am capable of to outwit that baboon is redundant. And that includes even when I am more handsome or intelligent. Does that answer your question?

Lift the Veil

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“We must all learn to lift the veil of colors and belief from our eyes so as to see beauty in diversity which engulfs us and places us into this big blue marble that won’t come again, if we fail to cherish it.

We must look at talent and sincerity, not beauty plastered on people’s faces or that which covers or adorn their body.

We need to restore sanity and sanctity by behaving nice and harmless towards everyone, and heighten our sensibility towards nature and its aroma, its sights and sounds and wonders, and be willing to accept part ownership to this globe which belongs first to they who comes before us.

With these things we do, we would hover up the ladder of Utopianism and strut forward towards achieving the idea of self governance without the interference of trying greedy governments. And stop stereotyping people according to caste, beliefs, race, states or even continents.

God gave every creature in this world he create differently sized brains and to us humans, he endows us with the biggest.

But that is for us to develop perfection, not competition and to develop charity, not scarcity so that triumph would eventually be ours so we could conquer the entire universe and witness it’s magical frontier. Ignore those who does nothing but plant seeds of public disobedience and deception.

Accomplishment is learning and knowing when to stop drifting. Sow seeds of goodness to others, preaching love , acceptance and forgiveness instead of harping on faults and learn how to laugh. Look at the brighter, lighter side of life instead of brooding over your lacks. Stop airing your minuscule grouses which may affect other people’s lives. Learn how to laugh at yourself.

Share your wealth. Help the underprivileged, the oppressed, the weak and the sick. And know that everyone has exclusive rights to their own belief, rights to live, rights to choose, and rights to speak, to create and think. For as long as they did not harm, hurt, disrupt, destroy or kill others and the planet we all lived in. Stand up and speak out against unruly lawmakers and bad laws. Silence only breeds them.

When all these are observed, then can we truly be on the road towards one nationhood under the big umbrella we call sky.”

– Kris Lee 2019.