Fond du Lac Area Writers

DEATH & OTHER DELIGHTS
Maybe there is a life after death. Maybe not. Either way, all of us will discover the truth soon enough. But, for the sake of argument, let’s assume there is some sort of life after our EKGs flatline. Today, geographical and religious cultures have quite a few theories about life after our last earthly exhale. If one dies within the smell of the Ganges, for instance, chances are he or she is Hindu and believes in reincarnation. Most of these East Indians and their Pakistani cousins also apparently believe that Nirvana involves owning a 7-11 franchise in the United States. Personally, I do not subscribe to the theory of a reincarnated existence. Returning as a butterfly or a dog or a garden slug or the night manager of a convenience store would really be a bummer.

So let’s pursue the notion of an afterlife in which we retain at least a few of our current human characteristics and attributes. With that in mind, I wonder if we’ll meet the friends and relatives who died while we were still wrapped in our mortal coils. It would be nice to see my grandmother again. I could apologize for peeing on her flowerbeds when I was ten years old. And I could also tell her why I did it again when I was twenty-seven. And it would be fun to see the childhood friends who overdosed on crystal meth and died in high school. I would look forward to tossing a diamond-studded Frisbee around in the clouds and smoking some fine weed in God’s backyard.

Then there’s the problem of dealing with the people we disliked or even detested on earth–will we be obligated to socialize with them in the afterlife? If so, will they know how much we despised them when we walked this planet? Maybe they’ll seek revenge and will be camouflaged behind the pearly gates awaiting our deaths. Then as we check in with St. Peter or whoever is the celestial concierge on that day, they’ll jump out and pummel us with the blunt end of a golden harp before we even sign the register. On the other hand, maybe preceding us in Heaven mellowed them out. We can only hope.

Sure, I guess I could agree to an occasional lunch date with the ghost of the jerk who stole my bike in high school. Or sip a quick Starbuck latte with the cheerleader who told my classmates about my failure to get it up behind the gym. Would these cretins appear as they did then—or would they look like they did on the day of their deaths? With luck, my appearance will be better after death than it was during my present lifetime. Given a choice, I’d like to spend eternity as a 20-year-old blond Adonis or at least being mistaken for Brad Pitt’s body double. But with my luck, I’ll probably look more like Ernest Borgnine or Shamu.

I would also like to meet the ghost of the guy who created those insipid Hallmark television commercials. If I ever meet him in one of Heaven’s dark alleys, I will strangle him with an F-sharp harp string. Clearly, God would not object to such a justifiable act of vengeance. In fact, the Almighty would probably even reward me with a dozen apples from Eden’s Tree of Knowledge and maybe some comfortable Nike polyester wash’n’wear wings. And if Jehovah ever owned a television set, I’m sure He’d also help me find and brutally torture the warped Hollywood hacks who produced The Jeffersons. Not to mention the moronic bastards who were connected in any way with American Idol or, for that matter, any of today’s so-called “reality” shows. But I digress.

There are quite a few other questions about life in the afterlife. For instance, will our souls experience earthly hunger? If so, will our favorite foods be available? It would be pleasant to go out for some decent hot wings now and then throughout eternity. And for a quick snack, a nearby celestial Burger King would be nice. But, who would be behind the counter to ask if I wanted fries with my Whopper? Maybe working in one of Heaven’s fast food joints is how all the earthly evil bastards will spend the hereafter. On the other hand I wouldn’t want Hitler, Osama Bin Laden or George W. Bush flipping my burger. But they could, however, be responsible for cleaning the washrooms. (Assuming our souls will require such facilities.)

While we’re on the subject of punishment, let’s chat about the concept of Hell. If it exists, it’s probably not like Dante’s somewhat simple-minded description. Because, the nasty pricks who gave us so much grief on earth clearly deserve something more horrible than seven lousy satanic circles in which to pay for their sins. Each level of my ideal Hades would be tailored to the individual condemnee. For example, Paris Hilton would be required to drive a 1958 Chevy station wagon and shop only at Hell’s version of a Fresno Wal-Mart. She’d also be forced to share the equivalent of a Bakersfield ghetto hotel room with Dick Cheney. Other punishments could include pairing Jerry Farwell with Vlad The Impaler for constant anal sex. And forcing Pope Pius XII to hear scratchy recordings of Don Ho’s greatest hits every hour of every day throughout eternity.

MORE TO COME IF AND WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT…

ROFL! Love your imagination and sense of humor.

This comment is on a completely different topic:

And comes just to say John, that I think you did a fine job with your presentation last evening (7/23/11) on the past, present and (possible) future of the Fond du Lac Writers Club. You presented facts, addressed “issues”, gave encouragement, and came up with some good suggestions; I don’t think I have attended a meeting at which there was such broad participation and animated conversation. I was interested to see just how many people stayed to continued the discussion after the meeting ended, well done. BL

IS SELF PUBLISHING FOR YOU?

Before you spend any money or sign any contracts, be sure to research any publishing company you are considering. There are many scam artists taking advantage of wannabe authors.

Although companies like Lulu.com and Createspace.com aren’t technically self publishing publishers, they refer to themselves that way so they will be included in this article.

Advantages of Self Publishing

You set your own price and release date.

You keep 100 per cent of the royalties and rights. Most traditional publishers only pay around 6 per cent. My publisher doesn’t send a royalty check until the royalties reach $50. I optimistically believed it wouldn’t take long to get a check. So far, I have sold more books myself than my publisher has, but that requires an inventory investment.

Disadvantages

You have to do all of your own marketing, promotion, and distribution. Be very careful how much money you spend. It can take a lot of book sales before you start making a profit.

You will need to do your own book binding, illustrations (if needed), proofreading, editing, layout, typesetting, and cover design or get someone else to help you. Legitimate subsidy publishers exist for the purpose of helping you with those services.

Some Self Publishing/Subsidy Companies I am personally familiar with

Lulu.com and Createspace.com (CS owned by Amazon) are print on demand (POD) subsidy publishers. Books are printed only when someone orders a copy. Both createspace and lulu are subsidy publishers. Since subsidy publishers are the ‘publisher of record’ and they provide you with an ISBN number, they aren’t technically self publishers, although they usually refer to themselves as self publishers. The name of the subsidy publisher appears on your back cover. If you want your own publishing company’s name, you need to buy your ISBN number. I think that usually costs around $90. Subsidy publishers often offer templates to help you with binding, layout and cover design. You pay them per book printed and price your book accordingly. If you want to purchase books to have on hand for book signings, autographed books to sell directly, or books to give as gifts, you can usually get a break in price if you buy a certain amount of books at once. Lulu also offers an ebook option and will provide a page for you to sell your books on their site.

Caveat: Do NOT do business with any subsidy press that requires you to give up your publishing rights.

True Self Publishing

If you want to be truly self published you will need to set up your own publishing company. You will also need to be good at book binding, editing, proofreading, typesetting, layout and design, or know someone who is. You can use a POD printer like Lightning Source, owned by Lulu.com for professional quality printing services. Lightening Source is used by many small independent publishing houses.

Some people will tell you that if you want a really good quality looking book that few people will be able to tell from a professionally published book, you shouldn’t use Word for typesetting your book. Adobe InDesign is one of the most recommended tools for designing and typesetting quality looking books. However, it is pricey. I found it on line for anywhere from $670 to $1500. There is also a steep learning curve.

Summary

If you are like me and need help with cover art, book binding, page layout, etc. the subsidy presses will probably work better for you. You can get into print quickly without having to learn anything about the printing business. If you can follow directions, your book will be a good quality book through Lulu or Createspace. You can spend as much or as little as you like depending on what additional services you choose to purchase beyond the free setup for Lulu and Createspace.

One reader added this information about his experience with createspace:
The advantage of CreateSpace is that you may order whatever number of books you want for your stock at the same price for one or a thousand. If you check out closely, you will find that they do have a template that is not hard to work with. You simply upload your manuscript (along with whatever you want in photos or graffics) and they take it from there. The only thing you pay for is one proof copy at their production price (which is determined by the number of pages in the book) plus shipping. Since you set the retail price, you make whatever percentage of profit you choose.
If you need help designing a cover, they help you with that at no cost either.
They pay your royalty whenever they the account reaches $10.00 or better. They are prompt with their payments each month and send you weekly reports on what has been sold.
If you want them to work on extended marketing distribution, they offer you a contract that costs $39 as a one time fee and $5 a year renewal. I don’t know of anyone else who does that.
E books are sold and , depending on what avenue you choose, you can make up to 70% of the retail price of each book.

I recommend them wholeheartedly.

Watched “The Kite Runner” and started feeling philosophical afterward Wrote this a long time ago but just posting now.

The empty spaces refered to are Western China standing in for Afghanistan. Flat and boring isn’t pretty to me, rugged and somewhat desolate is.

There’s a beauty in the empty spaces, where the sky seems to stretch out forever and there’s nothing in them but blue. Where the horizons where land and sky meet, and fill our entire field of vision. Though we could look forever and travel our entire life there is simply far too much to be seen, even in those empty spaces with nothing the empty skies and vast horizons. Even in places where there is no one to see lies proof that that such things could not have been accidents, even in the places where nothing grows there is the signs of the One who created all life.
It is in those things, the sky, the clouds, the vast empty lands of the deserts and prairies that He shows himself but simply knowing the origins of created things do not lead us to their creator nor something far more important than this world. The provisions put in place for how we, also His creations would spend the next. If He took such care to create a temporary home for those who live in it, how much more so will eternity be to those who believe.

Just a concept I was working with. Don’t remember why.

The Reccolections of an old soldier
by ~BrowncoatMando

Why can I only remember the horrors of war I saw? I have no regrets in serving my country but it grieves me that I can recall nothing but that and ultimately the good I did in serving others but not that the faces of my brothers in arms nor their voices, I have no regrets save my failing memory and were I able I would return to the service of my country, I and my brothers in arms are not what makes the country we defend strong, her unfailing strength is her people and we swore to protect them and others at the cost of our own lives if necessary and too many paid that price, I do not regret not being among them but I do regret that I was unable to save them.
But that only to I wish to change, while I know such a thing cannot be possible it does not stop my dreams and my desire to see those I was closer to than my own family. These things alone do I regret and this alone I dream.

Talons
by G.A. Scheinoha

I once hunted you
down through the ages
like a nobleman
with a raptor atop
his gloved fist.
I now seek you
only on these pages
which rustle beneath
my wrist.

Gun control? How thoughtful of Congress to consider the plight of poor mass murderers who suffer from the awful noise of automatic weapons fire while slaughtering people like cattle at the stockyard. Now if they make silencers legal, victims can drop without the nasty bang usually associated with being a random target. And serial killers can go home, if not with a clear conscience, at least they won’t have such a terrible ringing in their ears.

G.A. Scheinoha

Well said Mr Scheinoha

How appropriate. President Trump has a fake Renoir to go along with the fake TIME
magazine cover featuring his scowling visage. And he has the gumption to talk about fake news? Where the pieces connect in the not very puzzling nature of the man is with all his alternative facts. That’s called lying. So it’s only fitting everything about him should be ersatz
including his taste in furnishings. Then again, he’s probably told all these fibs for so long he no longer can tell what’s real and what isn’t, i.e. he believes he’s telling the truth.

What is a writer? A strange question to ask on a local writers group website, huh? More specifically, what is the difference between a writer and an author? Is the latter only so named because they have published? Or are only those who published a book eligible
for the title?
The reason I ask is because I can say inarguably that I have written more than anyone else in FDL Area Writers; more than a million words and well into my second million. I have published roughly half of the first million in a bookcase full of college and literary magazines. Does this make me any less of an author than those with one or more books to their credit?
I stack up my half million in print (the equivalent of ten books) against anyone’s output.
But according to this website, apparently it does.
If this whole diatribe sounds vain, consider the sheer arrogance involved in declaring oneself a writer, thinking what you write is important enough for anyone to want to publish it in the first place. If that doesn’t define the epitome of hubris, what does? Besides, as Mark Twain stated, “If no one else will pay you a compliment, pay yourself one.”
We all attach labels, not only to things, but also people. In effect, objectify them. It makes this a comfortable little world of pure classification, clear cut roles and identities. I do the same myself so perhaps I have no cause for complaint. For example, I’ve kept my writing (public life) and private existence separate just by dint of using my initials for only my writing, as opposed to full Christian name for everything else.
Still, if we’re going to lionize somebody because they publish a book, how legitimate are our
accolades for those who self-publish, in essence don’t have the stones to face rejection, take it on the chin, or ego? That to me is what makes all the difference in the world. If you don’t pay your dues, you haven’t earned the props, haven’t come anywhere near making your bones.