State of Me:
I am...doing okay. I got through the fourth anniversary of my dad's death relatively unscathed. School is about to turn into hell until we get through the exams in early June. I'm beating myself up about not writing a lot, so I'm trying to be better about that. I'm not really very good at communicating right now, but I love being talked to, so if you want me, DMing me on Twitter is probably the best way to get me.

Onto...

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State of Me:
Things leveled out? I do not feel actively unhinged anymore, so that's positive. Winters are always a hard time for me; I drag. So I've been giving myself permission to take things easy, to take days off from tags, that sort of thing. I think it's going well! ALSO, the maternity cover that I was doing at work finished TODAY, so that's a weight off, too. And I'm getting closer and closer to getting married, which is both delightful and terrifying.

ANYWAY.

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The Future:
I think I'm finally, after years of talking about it, going to commit and put Paul Schafer/Pwyll Twiceborn from the Fionavar Tapestry on reserve. I love him, okay? Wounded, Canadian, avatar of the Thunder God? Ben Barne's face? What's not to like?

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State of Me:
So my mental health took a MAJOR dive in the latter half of last half term, to the point where I had to go through a risk assessment at work. So. That was awesome? On the plus side, I think the drops that I made were the right choice and I feel WAY more connected to the game than I did the last time I wrote one of these, which is DEFINITELY a good sign. I am trying so, so hard, guys.

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FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AGES, I'm ready to consider having a queue again! Right now, I'm torn between Paul Schafer from The Fionavar Tapestry (avatar of a god, heartbroken, loyal and sad and clever) and Jake Portman from The Peculiar Children books (peculiar, brave, total disregard for personal safety) and Andrea Quill/Andra'ath who I thought was absolutely the best part of Class (alien, warrior, War Itself</i>.

So basically, if you have thoughts on this, you should definitely help me decide!

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So, so incredibly anxious and I don't know how to get my life to feel like it's under control again.

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State of Me:
I'm feeling a little bit...disconnected at the moment. I've got a lot of threads, and they're awesome, but they're mostly private. At some point, I think I consciously stopped making reqs so that I couldn't app and I had a really rough summer where my creativity was concerned and I don't think I ever really managed to get myself on track. So my aim for the winter is to reestablish the characters I'm playing, get back into the game with the ones I'm neglecting and then, maybe, I can think about apping again some time in the Spring.

Right, onto...

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NO FUTURE because this is the perfect number of pups. For now.
If you read that, I love you. Squee makes me live.

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I've decided not to do Yuletide this year and...I'm pretty okay with it, I think. I just remember the whole process not really being fun for me last year - I had to scramble a lot, I felt pretty disaffected. I have no real attachment to any fandoms anymore so it seems like now might be the time to bow out. However, I've done every yuletide since, like...I don't know when, so...

It's a big change.

We're in the midst of wedding plan which is both strange and exciting. At the moment, we're trying to do the entire wedding for around £2000. My dress has been bought, both venues are paid for, we've got a band sorted, so things are falling into place. I was doing some costing for our honeymoon earlier (We're planning on two weeks in Vietnam) and that looks like it's going to cost about £3000 for flights and hotels, so...pretty cheap wedding all in? Basically I'm already over the process of wedding planning and I just want to get married now, please.

Prozac has kicked in, so I'm on a much more even keel. This was the first time I'd ever had a doctor tell me off for coming on and off medication, refer to my depression as a disability that needs management. To hear it talked about in those terms was actually...extremely comforting.

I don't know. Sometimes it's nice to get permission to not be amazing all the time.

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State of Me:
SO since the last time I did this, I got back on Prozac! So that's exciting. Right now, my mental health means I am exhausted a LOT and I'm unreliable, a little, and I get overwhelmed by my inbox a lot. So, if I drop a thread and you would rather I didn't, please tell me, and I'll tag it again! I am trying to manage self care and not making myself tag if I don't want to, which means it's kind of an all or nothing deal atm. Drugs will kick in soon, and hopefully I will level out. And it's only four weeks until the summer holidays and six glorious weeks off, so! Yes!

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NO FUTURE because this is the perfect number of pups. For now.
If you read that, I love you. Squee makes me live.

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State of Me:
I'm good! I am into the last term of my first year of the job I started in September and it's...still pretty good! I get tired a lot, and I'm basically working six days a week still, which sucks, but I have plenty of time to tag at the pace I prefer to. I'd still like to keep my roster to a manageable size, though. I'm up to five pups, and that feels totally doable, but I need to be careful as I start to move forward, I think. I know what I'm like. Last week, I interviewed for a promotion at work. It's only a maternity cover, so it's a limited term, but it's going to come with a MUCH increased work/stressload so I really need to play it by ear until I see how that feels.

THAT SAID, onto the pups.

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IF YOU READ ALL OF THAT, THANK YOU. YOUR COMMENTS AND QUESTIONS ARE WELCOME ♥

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State of Me:

I'm...okay! March is a hard month for me, with the anniversary of my father's (relatively sudden) death. On top of that, I had some genuinely horrendous health this month - my first bout of flu since I was thirteen, followed by a sickness bug (one of the benefits of being a teacher) that left me feeling like I'd been mugged. I've also been struggling a LOT with my social anxiety this month which has made tagging/chatting difficult. Still! I think I am on top of it now! I am sorry if my rambling got on anyone's nerves. ALSO, please don't take it personally if I act like I'm worried I've upset you. I'm pretty much always worried I've upset everyone all the time. It's my state of being.

Anyway. On to...

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SO THAT'S IT GUYS. THANK YOU FOR READING>

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I am seeing parents today. From 7.45 to 6.30. Currrently three hours in, with another seven and a half to go. So that's joyous. On the whole, my new school is...it's okay. I've settled in. Things have been worse. I love my little house. I love the boyfriend. Work is never going to be my favourite thing.

Making do.

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My first book of 2016 was Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo and, man, did it not let me down. It reminded me, a lot, of the Gentleman Bastard books, with a little bit of The Name of the Wind. What I find, sometimes, is that books that have really great characters don't always have really great plots and vice-versa, but what all three of those books have in common is that the plot is super engaging and the characters are people who, while they might not be NICE or GOOD, are definitely people that you want to spend time getting to know.

For example: Kaz Brekker. Kaz.

I was pretty much in love with Kaz by the end of his first POV chapter. I am the first person to admit that I have a type when it comes to fictional characters, which has always boiled down to "fuck-ups, heroes and fucked up heroes". Kaz is...well. He's a bastard. But he's fucked-up and he occasionally does something heroic, usually by accident or because it'll get him something he wants.

It's a heist novel, basically, with a really diverse cast (canon POC! canon character with disability which is a PART of him but does not diminish his ability to be an absolute bad-ass! canon queer! amazing female characters!). Basically, you should read it.

Tell them I sent you.

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I'm starting to see people moving back into these fannish spaces, so...I thought I would give it a go, too! So, hopefully, I am going to be making an effort to be more AROUND here. Reading. Writing....etc.

Fingers crossed, at least.

I really need to renew my icons. Wow.

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State of me: I was so...somewhat nervous when I first applied at Darrow - I was very aware that I was starting a new job and I had no idea what my stress-levels, work/life balance, etc were going to be. Coupled with that, I moved in with my BF in July (we bought a house), which involved relocating away from my family, etc. Basically, I wasn't sure if I was going to be in the right place to make a go of RPing again.

Turns out: everything's fine! I am a lot less stressed at this job that I was at my last job (I haven't cried at work once in a whole term!), my work-life balance is...much the same as it was at my old job (if not slightly better - I get a whole extra half an hour in the morning!), BF is very low impact company (we are currently both sitting on our laptops XD).

Basically, I am SO GLAD that I finally talked myself into apping at Darrow. I am loving the connections I've made, both personally and ICly, in a relatively short time, and I am thrilled by the friendships I've managed to renew by being there.

Good things. Entirely good things. Which brings me too...

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If you made it this far, congratulations! I'm a teacher - I have gold stars <3

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I haven't written one of these since - God - May 2014. I've been playing at Darrow since 1st August and man am I enjoying myself. I had sort of forgotten how much fun RP could be. I am practising a lot of self-care where RP is concerned these days and so far so good! I have a tiny little roster so far, but I am looking forward to playing at Darrow for a while.

Onto the pups!

Beca Mitchell | Pitch Perfect
Beca made it out of Silent Darrow having killed Jesse. She got the shit kicked out of her and she's having a hard time being around Jesse. In the short-term, that's going to mean reverting to the slightly self-destructive Beca that we see in canon. She's going to make some poor choices involving a certain rockstar but, since certain rockstar is TOTALLY into dudes, there's a limit to how much Beca will actually do. Still, her and Jesse will have to do some serious work to come back from it. She loves him, it'll be okay but, right now, she's hurting. Threads with friends TOTALLY WELCOME. If you'd be up for a thread, let me know.

Then, in the mid/long term, once they've made up, Brad and I have decided that Beca and Jesse will be getting pregnant. Which, obviously, will be a LOT for them, with them both basically being kids, but there have been younger parents who've done brilliantly and I think it'd be really interesting character development for Beca. So, yes, tiny little girl named after a Sci-Fi legend on the horizon.

Brody Moyer | Ground Floor
I...am almost entirely sure that I'm going to drop Brody. I think I have to admit to myself that there is a certain type of 'comedy' pup that I am not good at, and Brody is one of them. Which sucks, because I love him and I love his canon, but I've just struggled to find his place in Darrow and I think it might be time to let him go.

Newt | The Mazerunner
Oh, my God, Newt. Neeeeeeeeeeeeewt. Okay, so I was so, so excited to bring in Newt because I love him and then I had the quickest app turn around EVER which was awesome. Newt's over his debut and feeling pretty good now. Silent Darrow was rough on him - he didn't go, but two of his favourite people did and he half convinced himself they were gone for good. So relief is pretty much his defining characteristic right now.

And then there's his love life. Oh, goodness. SO, he's been pretty into Al since....pretty much the first day they met and, with Al's return from Darrow, ~progress has been made. However, Al's self esteem issues are going to be an obstacle for them to get over. Which is further complicated by the fact that Newt is also well on his way to falling for Joseph Kavinsky -- which, frankly, is no surprise because I have had a soft spot for Kavinsky since I read TDT. Newt got high with/screwed Kavinsky basically because he was going out of his mind with grief/worry and now...there are feelings involved. It's headcanon for me that Newt and Alby were a thing in the Glade, probably along with Minho and monogamy just...isn't a thing for Newt. The ideal for him is figuring out a way to be with both of them in some configuration. He's good for both of them and he's good for them in different ways. His designation isn't the Glue for nothing. Whatever ends up happening (and no matter how many times he has to hear that Kavinsky is ~bad news) I can't wait to see how everything turns out.


The Future:
Iiiiii would really like to bring in a new pup at some point, but I am unsure of who that should be. I have a few ideas but the two at the front of my mind right now are Paul Schafer from the Fionavar Tapestry who has been on my mind basically forever and who I think would do really well in Darrow with his sort of god-like powers. But then there's also Danny from London Spy. I've had one episode so far and I've got no idea where it's going but god, I love him. So I suppose we'll see.

EDIT TO ADD: Or, I could just crack and put Connor Walsh from How To Get Away with Murder on reserve. One bitchy law student coming soon to a city near you! I had such fun on TD that I was helpless in the face of him. Also, John Constantine. Might be sooner than I think.

IF YOU READ THIS FAR, I LOVE YOUR FACE>

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As usual, as ever, let me paraphrase what I say every year:

Firstly, THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE ME SOMETHING. This is by far the worst time of year at my job, which makes me doubly appreciative that you are taking the time to create something just for me. Please be assured that if we have matched on one of the fandoms that I have requested, you will write me something that I will love. Write a story that you enjoy writing and I will be thrilled to receive it. I am going to do a lot of rambling in this letter, but optional details are optional and I promise that you I will love anything you write for me. Feel free to ignore everything and anything here - mostly, what I want to say to you is have fun. Write a story that you love and I am sure that I will love it too.

That said, my weaknesses are many and legion. Among them are (and this is exactly the same list as i always leave):

Angst (but reasonably explained and not for the sake of it) and I like it if everything works out in the end - or, at least, if I can see the possibly of a happy ending (not necessarily for everyone); redemptive endings (not necessarily for everybody); missing moments from canon; unrequited love (but not forever); myths (in all their forms); stories within stories and, indeed, structural cleverness of all kinds; backstories and stories that go beyond the reach of canon in either direction; romance (but only in character); journeys to places that are far or near; things that span a lot of time - arcs as it were; banter during sex; good funny; well researched, elaborate AUs; worldbuilding; conversations; trains and ships; in character kink...

and so on.

Basically, I am easy to please if there's a heart in it ♥

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( Dear Santa...Collapse )

Thank you so much, Santa! Sorry again for the complete lack of details initially <3. See you in January!

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Dear Santa, I am so SORRY about my totally basic sign up. I blame a combination of mental health issues/thinking I had more time and no internet at home for over a week now! Provides you haven't already defaulted in disgust, there will be a letter here before tomorrow.

SORRY.

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Guys, I need your advice.

( Discussion of my roster under the cut.Collapse )


Thanks for reading, if you did! Let me know what you think.

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State of the Mun:

I am in a pretty good place right now! I still have moments of crushing self-doubt, but I've come to accept those as a part of myself XD I am really excited about the things I've got going on with my pups at the moment and there's some fun stuff going on in the game as a whole and I feel good? I don't know. I feel good about the whole thing. My RP brain sort of functions on squee and excitement, but I feel very, very self-conscious about emailing most people about it, so...uh. Hi. If we're threading, I'm probably excited about it.

Moving forward!

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Questions? Comments? If you made it this far, I'll give you a gold star.

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The problem with finishing a 10k fic is that I now...don't want to do anything? Ugh.

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but we are the crossroads (10816 words) by eudaimon
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Relationships: Scott McCall/Stiles Stilinski
Characters: Scott McCall, Stiles Stilinski
Additional Tags: Post canon, Alternate Universe - Greek Mythology
Summary:

It was only an accident. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Scott's not content to let it lie. He's always felt that he has to do something.

In which Scott is (sort of) Orpheus and Stiles is (maybe) Eurydice.
It's a long, long way down.

A/N: The Orpheus story is my very favourite of all of the myths - it's been haunting my writing for years. I started writing this halfway through 3b airing, and then had to take a break while they sort of explored some of the themes contained here-in. It surprises me that this is the first time that I've written this fic for a fandom.

I hope it's turned out okay.

(I owe a lot to the poem "Snow and Dirty Rain" by Richard Siken, not least the title and epigraph of this fic. You can read the text of the poem here).

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There are EPs that I need to tag and tags I need to do and other things like that but, mostly, what I want to do is read the third Fionavar book and watch Teen Wolf.

I am literally a waste of space right now.

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Everything today is going to be hard. Tell me nice things. Comments are screened.

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I wake up and realise that, this time tomorrow, it will be exactly one year since I spoke to my dad for the last time. On the morning before he died, I went to school on fancy dress, some charity thing. I was doing 50s rockabilly in a red spotty dress with a net underskirt. Sitting up in the armchair, he smiles and told me I looked like Minnie Mouse. I laughed and I kisses him and I went to work and I never saw my dad alive again.

All cancer is terrible but brain cancer was particularly bad because it took him away from us by inches. On the morning after, I sat with his body and told h that I loved him and I was glad he wasn't hurting and to go safely to wherever his destination was. To go gently.

Sometimes, it makes me feel like I haven't got a heart - my relatively quiet reactions, compared to those of my siblings. But maybe there are things you insulate yourself from, hide them away so that you can feel no more pain.

My dad. My beloved old man.
A year seems to have gone by incredibly quickly and also to slowly to be believed.

But it has gone.

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