Dear LJ,

For the first time in my life, I've started having trouble with sleep. Not that I can't fall asleep, but that I can't fall back asleep.

It's been 11 days since we have been completely broken off and I've not had a single night of adequate sleep. That and I'm so tired of working here. My pay is never certain and I'm always made to do what I don't want to do. And work relationships are so toxic with the colleagues here, so childish and undiplomatic I literally don't remember experiencing this even in high school.

And I ask myself, why am I always doing this? Why do I stay in a place I hate or a relationship I know won't last until I become so attached to it all? Because I don't believe that I will find better. I'm scared that no one else will want me. Deep down, I feel that I don't deserve my dream job or relationship. That's why I forget how to BE when I come across people that actually respect me. And I'm aware, but I don't know how to change all this. I hate myself. That has never changed. All the while, I can feel the clock ticking. I'm inching towards my late 20s. How can I still be struggling with this? Depression-induced-anxiety-induced-depression. How can I break the loop?

I've really tried to work on that list I made, but when real heartbreak hits you like a train, I'm just too busy collecting my own pieces. I'm so sick of talking about exes on this, but I can't find anything more therapeutic for me personally than writing. And I handwrite too slowly to catch up with my mind.

I've been binging self-help/motivational/relationship advice videos on YouTube for 5 months. And I'm still doing it. I hate that I could have used these 5 months to heal if I were strong enough to really let go. I tell myself that I lost him 11 days ago, but really I lost him during our first No Contact. The difference between us was that he used 5 months to move on from me and find someone else to fill that hole while I've been hoping and waiting for him to want me back. And now I have to start the recovery process all over again.
I lost the race from the very beginning.

I spent the last 11 days with people. I haven't been alone for one single evening this past week but I feel just as lonely in the company of others. I'm not able to connect with anyone and seeing all these friends with significant others just makes me feel even lonelier. No one prioritizes a friend when they're in a relationship.

I feel like I have nowhere to go. I don't want to stay here, but I don't want to go home to disappointed parents. I bursted into tears thinking about seeking refuge at my grandmother's. The only person in the moment ignorant of my situation enough to offer unconditional support.

Letting go is hard. Even though he might as well be dead to me. Pursuing something that I don't really want while being pain is hard. Not hating myself is hard. Having clarity and taking action is hard. But why should I drown when he's enjoying newfound happiness?

Hi LJ,

Long time no write, I guess I didn't miss you that much since I only really write depressing things here. As we venture into the new year, I'm here to record and share my first lesson learned from my first heartbreak of the year.

Not every young sprout is meant to be watered. Not every rekindling is meant to grow into bigger flames. Sometimes what didn't happen better remains that way. Don't be easily swayed so easily by temptation on the lonely path of life. Don't let your weakness become someone else's crutch.

9 years since my first entry here, I wish there's a day I can finally exhaust these pages of pain.

Dear LJ,

As you can see from the title, I've recently seen the 2010 controversial film. It's always a pleasure to relish the deliciousness that is Eva Green. I mean, she embodies everything I would ever want in an actress. Literally perfection to the last hair follicle. I know that she has starred in many productions prior to Penny Dreadfuls but I think Vanessa Ives is the most wholesome display of all that she is despite it being a terribly written show. A woman who is beyond her own beauty, from her enormous blue eyes hooded by bushes of straight dark lashes that stare at you like you're going to be her next victim to her perfectly shaped lips and small frame, something about her is wicked, but you can also sense a deeply feminine fragility. And somewhere in her furrowed brows she's genuinely good. That's the thing about Eva Green. She can be that pretty woman if she wants to be but an evil witch the next second (has anyone heard her laugh?). Her low voice also naturally sends chills down your spine. She looks flawless from every angle; her last name is Green and she's even goddamn French. What more can I ask for?

Ok, before I babble even more about Eva Green, let's get to the movie. If you don't want any potential spoilers, please stop here. I can't express myself fully without referring to the plot - that is, the whole film revolves around one decision. After watching it, I'm left absolutely devastated for Eva's character, Rebecca. I know that she has not for one second regretted her decision but I found myself yelling at the computer screen more than once. I mean, let's first talk about identity. What defines who we are? Our physical body? Our DNA? I think most of us would disagree. I'd say 99% of our identity comes from our life experiences which are stored in our memories. So would we really consider the regeneration of our physical matter a prolongation of us?

In the snail box that Tommy gives her, Rebecca discovers a note from him that reads I will wait for you for as long as it takes. Yes, he hadn't been able to move on with life after she left, but we don't really know if it's just because his life turned out to be a wreck. After all, he didn't say goodbye to her because he simply overslept. I find so many things about Tommy to be absurd. His reason for missing the ferry, his projects to cause mass hysteria and his death. There was almost no meaning in his life. But back to my point, suppose Tommy really was waiting for her this entire time. He was at least able to anticipate a possibility of a happy ending. On the other hand, Rebecca's sacrifice was both selfish and completely selfless. She went against his parents' wishes but there was literally nothing she could gain from that decision. She was giving up her whole life for not even a resurrection of the real him. At the end of the day, she could neither be a mother, a lover nor even a friend. She lost everything, even more than the first time.

As for the taboo scene toward the end, it triggers so many feelings in me I don't know how to put it all into words. It's both traumatizing but satisfying. If I watch it a few times, I see more artistic elements in it. There was a nice build-up throughout the entire movie and we were all waiting for this moment of climax but we were all expecting it to be her doing. Turns out we're wrong. She tried to stay dutiful and moral the whole way even though it was killing her. But when the moment came, it had more of a rapey appearance to it. All of the sexual tension that was brewing inside her in all those 20 years came to an end like this. Why did he do it? Of all the emotions he felt, the confusion, rage, fear, hatred for her was all justifiable. She was prepared for all that. Nevertheless, nothing seems to explain what his reactions to the truth led him to do. But then if we look closely, was it always one-sided? When he introduced his girlfriend and asked if she could say, Rebecca responded exactly how she was supposed to, as a supportive and welcoming parental figure. And yet we could see that Tommy was deeply unhappy and disappointed by this reaction. What was he expecting? What has he been feeling for her this whole time?

The film really leaves a lot for the audience to imagine and feel. There isn't much dialogue and the story isn't very plot-oriented. Everything is shown in Rebecca - her gestures, facial expressions and her silhouette. The only thing I'd change is the casting of the male lead. Like, Matt Smith? Really? No offense to Doctor Who fans but you've got the goddess of elegance standing here in Eva Green and you couldn't cast someone who's closer to her level? Tom Hiddleston? Sam Claflin? Jude Law? Ok maybe not. Definitely not Cumberbatch either. But Tom Hiddleston would've been much more fitting, and his name is even Tom. I was not insignificantly disappointed when adult Tommy emerged. Other than that, I'd definitely recommend this movie.

Dear LJ,

Have I written an entry on this before? I don't think I have. I usually try to avoid cliché topics and write about things that nobody else can relate to haha. Well, some years ago I remember I surrendered to myself and wrote an entry on love and thought it was the end of the world. So, now physical appearance? Oh god, what is happening to you, Emerald?? Well, I guess the endless media coverage on world politics being shoved down my throat everyday on top of intensive audition prep everyday is just making me want to talk about superficial things that have nothing to do with either.

So where do I start? First of all, you know when you go on Youtube and spend a little more time than you intend on there and end up in "that weird part"? Yeah, that's me today. I kept being recommended these videos on different kinds of Asian talking about desirability and ideal appearance in one context or another. This was irritating, to say the least. I couldn't bear to finish any of these videos. These people were basically repeating the same things: Asian people like white skin better because of classicism, Asian people idolize Caucasian appearance, Asian people strive for Caucasian facial features and body type etc. It's even more infuriating because they conduct interview in different Asian countries to confirm this.

On the one hand, I'm ashamed for the discriminatory and racist preferences of my people, but on the other hand, the average citizen of any country who hasn't frequently travelled abroad will have a much narrower perspective of those who are different from them. People who live their whole lives in China or Korea will have consumed Western media that predominantly spotlights white celebrities. They won't have much real life experiences with white or dark skinned people to actually judge for themselves. These people are fed Hollywood trash even more severely than Americans. They have this image of white people just from seeing actors and supermodels. The counterpart to this is that white people who live in rural regions in their countries around the world without much interaction with Asian people think all Asian people have slant eyes and yellow skin. It's all founded on ignorance.

But truthfully, what really hurts is the persistent global white glorification and dismissive attitude toward Asian merits. It reminds me of the shadow of white superiority that even us long-time immigrants struggle to step out of. What hurts is that many of us raised in a Western country, no matter which Western country, are still climbing that racial latter and putting ourselves in second-class. Knowing that it's wrong, we are still doing it. We still do it after we admit it, after ranting about it and hypocritically after lecturing other people about it. We are trying to be part of white social circles, adopting Caucasian lifestyles and pursuing romantic relationships with Caucasians. I can't count how many times I've encountered a Chinese person felt embarrassed about an all Asian group picture on Facebook or felt the need to clarify that they don't only have Asian friends. Why does it matter?

Moreover, I have found it hard to really understand the beauty standards of either cultures. I don't understand the Korean eyebags or bluish white skin, the Chinese exaggerated eye sockets, the double-eyelid, the tanned blonde, the thigh gap, crazy eyeliner, crazy nails, sharp eyebrows, Brad Pitt, postpuberty Leonardo DiCaprio, Dakota Johnson and any of the Asian actresses who appear in Hollywood productions(because they either have too small of a pool of selection or prefer actors that conform to their projected ethnic image or whose appearance won't compete with the Caucasian protagonists). I know nobody aggrees with me but I seriously just don't get it lol. How about David Gyasi, Taye Diggs, D.B. Woodside or even Dev Patel? Shazad Latif? He's not very famous yet but I'd hit that in a heartbeat. Lesley-Ann Brandt? Aishwarya Rai, like I can't even. Or the millions of naturally beautiful Asian people and celebrities that will never be cast in Hollywood? Ok I'm going a bit far, but I guess this is just a vent of frustration at my fellow people. Don't you see that there are attractive people in every race? Skin colour is not a prerequisite for beauty.

I'm just talking to myself here. The people who really need to hear this will never see it, but I just have to come to terms with that. So here's me fangirling to get everything out of my system. Jo In-Sung is gonna be hot even if you darken his skin colour by 5 shades. There's also this Youtube makeup guru called Kaushal Beauty based in the UK. (I swear there's a trend of extremely attractive South Asian British people.) If she ever becomes interested in acting, I really hope she gets discovered by some agency because she literally is perfect.

Well, to every human being out there, there will always be someone who will recognize your beauty. It's such an inconsistent and fluctuating thing. Also, appearance is only a part of what determines how desirable someone is. I'm just going to leave it at that.

Dear LJ,

I've recently been trapped in a bit of downtime and maybe that's why I'm coming back here to my safe space to try to recall my initial inspirations and re-motivate myself to get back to the thing that I so far enjoy the most. It's the "so far" that slips in the doubt, isn't it? I can't know what I haven't experienced. I guess it's just like being in a committed relationship and suddenly realizing you're already committed to the only person you have ever been with even though there are millions of people out there that you don't know and some of which could, in theory, be better than the person now. And so, is this a sound reason to abandon a commitment you don't really have problems with just because there is a possibility of there being something better out there? Wow this really puts it into perspective.

But I actually came here to talk about works that were originally written for clarinet and then "stolen" by string instruments. Recently, I've been listening to various clarinet trios with cello because I'm currently playing in such a group and looking around for repertoire ideas for the future. In the past, I've played Brahms and Zemlinsky trios, the latter of which having been subjected to an alternative violin version. It's funny because young string players who do no research on their repertoire will generally assume that everything they play is written for their own instrument. I've had violists ask me "do you know the Brahms sonatas? Clarinet players play them too" or roll their eyes when I inform them who these works were actually written for.

Well today, to my delight, I actually found another work that is generally believed to be written for the standard piano trio with violin which was in fact intended to be a clarinet trio. This is Fauré's Opus 120 trio in D minor. To my further pleasant surprise, this fact was dug up by a piano professor of my alma mater. Prof. Ilya Poletaev found the evidence from the letters M.Fauré wrote to his wife during the creation of this work.

Interesting isn't it? I know it's childish but I can't help feel slightly pleased about this. The piece also reminded me of Ravel's F minor string quartet. It almost has a hint of harmonic minimalism in it. It's folky and has a fable-like narrative quality to it, much like a lot of Schumann's works. Even though Fauré was active during the Romantic era, this work strikes me to have none of the yearnings and messy emotions that is inherent of Romanticism. I like that it's more clean, fresh and with a youthful innocence. If anyone would be interested, there are very limited recordings of the original version with clarinet, but it's worth a listen.

It's been so long since I've written about music, so I decided to share a great piece of music I have come to love by a not so mainstream composer.

Vltava, or more commonly known as Die Moldau is the second symphonic poem from the set, Má vlast that you might have guessed to mean "my land". Vltava is the river that winds itself through Prague and many parts of the Czech Republic. Just like Die Donau(the Danube), it bears the pride of the people and their history.

The music from the beginning is already luring the listener to go somewhere. A gurgling small stream runs through fields of grass and flowers, sometimes hiding from the sun under the trees while peeking out between the leaves. You follow it, only to watch it become part of a bigger existance of sparkling green, righteously marking its place, beckoning to be conquered, leading its way toward the cities and people. It passes beautiful landscapes, towers of castles that reach unattainable heights, grand cathedrals and busy markets. It passes by the house of a family that is celebrating something. They are preparing for a feast with maidens carrying around plates and plates of food with people sitting outside, chatting and laughing amongst themselves. This picturesque moment speaks of gratification, enjoyment, riches and abundance. But of course the river keeps going. You follow it steadily out of the sight of people, the happy voices of the feasting people quickly fade and the water passes through one more bridge before it enters another realm of untouched innocence like from where it began. It's a simple world of the flowing green whether in wind or water. But why are you sensing a hint of sadness coming? Is this loneliness? You look up and the sun is no longer there, only a rippling moon. All of a sudden, everything is becoming obscure. This sparkling green is now black, still slowly flowing somewhere. But darkness is no match for the noble and righteous. You close your eyes and push forward, following the low hum of the flow. By the time you open them, you are already beginning to see colours from above. The rain is causing the water to toil and charge forward with even more determination. But the mist is making everything blurry. Is this a majestic river or the noble spirit of a man? You're not sure, but you know he is forever triumphantly advancing toward in this land that gives him immense pride.

Last winter, I visited Prague, but I hadn't taken too much notice of the river. Now that I look back at the pictures took from the top of the Prague castle. There is definitely prominent body of water that cuts through various parts of the city. Without it, this beautiful city would be missing a big piece of its identity.

Dear LJ,

It's been exactly one month since I've started living in Germany. Life has become a lot slower paced and plain.

What really inspired me to write at this very moment was an apple crumble. I haven't mentioned it in my previous entries on her but this was something her and I often spent our evenings making. Today it took me all of an hour and 45 minutes to send the dish into the oven. As I'm peeling and cutting the apples, I could feel her agonizing over my working pace and grabbing the peeler out of my hand to finish the rest at her usual lightning speed. And she would always boil the apples a bit before baking to cut down the baking time.

My mind started wandering over the scent of freshly cut apples. I don't think we were polar opposites. More like the two areas that don't overlap in a Venn diagram. I wonder if she would be proud of me if she sees me making this gigantic apple crumble and cutting 12 apples all by myself. She would probably shake her head. I've always thought I would tear up from an overflow of memories, but I guess I've really recovered. The experiences with her have just become another part of me that I've finally been able to digest and absorb.

Ah sorry, I started rambling about the past again. Ok, the present. Right. Well, it didn't take more than a week for me to start missing Belgium insanely. I know, I always fall victim to the mind's tricks of turning everything in the past into positive memories. But I do remember how much I complained when I first arrived there too, but it was mostly due to financial despair. Well, here in the tiny town within a town at the Swiss border, I'm living a life of financial haven. But I've also lost the busy streets, loud hallways where I can always meet someone new, my Spanish mob and the sweetest man on earth of a teacher. Aaand hello to loneliness.

Ok well, let's not be as bleak as the weather, shall we? I live on the second floor of a house with 3 roommates, neither of whom I could communicate with much, but are generally nice people. I technically have two rooms as my room was split into two even though my rent is unimaginably cheap for a city girl like me. Behind our house is a really big garden that is home to a well matured apple tree where even in November, we can pick many apples to make desserts like the crumble right now. Everybody I've met here have been very helpful and kind. I'm also lucky to have mutual friends here from my general social circles. I just need to form closer companionships. And keep working towards the same goals.

Wow, random fireworks behind my street as I write. I guess this town can be spontaneous when it wants.

Back to the baking though, I can pin a recipe to every close friendship I've had. Banana bread and carrot cake with my closest friend during university, veggie wellington with my then TA, veggie lasagna with my childhood friend, cheesy broccoli/cauliflower with my then quintet colleague, macarons(!) with another quintet colleague and the many times I've made cheese cake with my family before becoming lactose intolerant. I remember a time when mom was so inspired she made a carrot cake and coconut cake and brought them all the way from Toronto to Montreal. I was too self-centred to appreciate it at the time but I had made her promise that we'd do some baking together when I returned. Lo and behold, the two of us set on a mission one day and made carrot cake, coconut cake, cheese cake and granola bar all at once. Wait...maybe she was there too... (I just checked my facebook history and couldn't find anything since I've blocked her. Well, guess we'll never know.)

I guess to find a little bit of happiness again I have to bake on.