ゆめとせつぼう

Adulthood

emeraldloves — Sun, 07 Sep 2025 03:54:24 GMT

Dear LJ,

Damn, I'm still not getting used to this 36pt font.

Today is my mother's birthday. We do not get along. I offered to take her out to dinner, but she didn't want to eat anything, so I drove an hour to see her. We ended up low-key fighting and then broke down in the memory of my grandfather.

It's taken me a long time to gather the courage to come back here and come back to writing. Scrolling through the old journal entries makes me feel a lot of shame. Why did I only write down the most painful things? There are some musings, but I have almost no positive experiences recorded here. If a stranger comes across this compilation, they would feel a lot of pity for me, and that is not the identity I have been trying to mold. And I guess sometimes it reflects how I am with the people close to me and it takes either a lot of patience or a kind of obsessive love to be able to tolerate this much sadness from a person.

The other reason I haven't really had the courage to write a long piece is because for a long time, I just wanted to avoid the experiences and feelings I have. I couldn't really face them for long enough to even write about them. Not as a whole. And also the internet was encouraging me to handwrite journals, and I was doing that for a while until I wasn't.

In the last 15 months, a lot has happened. Well, I guess I haven't updated here since end of 2019, and a lot has happened in the last 6 years. But I also think that probably less things happen in 6 years of my life vs someone else's life. Tangent aside, in the last 15 months, I got dumped by the person I thought I was going to marry (who later met someone abroad on vacation and within a week decided he was going to uproot his entire life to move to Germany — how dare he be so confident in impulsively building a life in my old stomping grounds!), found out that my grandfather tried to end his life and then watched him die, almost severed ties with my mother, and lastly got broken up with by the only remaining close friend at this point in my life on my birthday. Well now that all that's out there, it's almost impossible to convince anyone that I'm not throwing a pity party.

The truth is, after late 2019, things got much worse before I saw the light of day. While grieving Mac, I worked a minimum wage job at a shitty finance firm and then an underpaid music teaching job at a small music school, began serial dating (miserably), and then had an 8 month relationship with someone I had absolutely no desire for because my mom wanted to network with his family. And then I don't know how but I continued to date for 2 more months after that breakup before I finally threw in the towel. I had finally reconciled with the fact that I might just never meet anyone. For a brief moment I felt free, and weirdly hopeful that I can live life again, and focus on myself.

I remember walking into the sunshine and taking in a deep breath and smiling to myself and telling myself that I was going to be okay. I wish I could do that today.

This lasted all of maybe 2 weeks. Late 2020, Hiatt would blaze into my life for the next 4 years. I was going through therapy, and then I moved downtown into my own place, then I started a doctorate degree, and then he moved in with me. Everything felt like my life was maybe going to go somewhere. But I was still miserable. I desperately wanted this to be it. I started to pick up more freelancing work and started advancing in auditions. I desperately wanted this to be the right trajectory. But I look back to the journals in 2021 and 2022 and I was miserable. Hiatt and I were soulmates, kindred spirits, but fatally incompatible lovers. I kept ignoring it because we got along perfectly. We both kept ignoring it until one of us couldn't any more.

People say that ya live ya learn. Sometimes you live and you don't learn. I can tell most decisions I make in my romantic life are catastrophically stupid decisions even before I make them. A neuroscientist might say I have a gene that hinders my ability to listen to my rational mind because I am the moth that will fly toward chaotic flames simply to feel an instant of warmth. But you know what? I blame age. I blame adulthood. No happy young person in their right mind would remain friends with someone they wanted to marry, or get into a romantic relationship with a friend knowing that they don't like the friend in that way out of a fear of losing the friend or honestly anything else I have done in the history of my love life.

I think you live and realize how ironic everything is. I moved out from my mom's place because I hated living with her, but I didn't know that through all that toxicity, it was her haphazard companionship that helped me get through some previous hardships. And now, alone in my studio apartment, I don't even have enough wall space to stare into. For better or worse, the need to pay bills gives me no time to stare at the walls. I stare out the window into the adjacent buildings that block what once was a partial city view. Here, I'm just one of many little figures each in one of thousands of these boxes in the sky.

Nostalgia?

Winter

emeraldloves — Tue, 12 Nov 2019 23:53:47 GMT

Dear LJ,

...You've changed! You're... very white and blank, like the thick cake of snow outside... and the font is much more presbyopia friendly. I wonder if it's a reflection of your aging userbase?

I come to you again worn and torn, bare and alone, knowing that even if every human in this world has tired of hearing about my hurt, at least you will always welcome me with your wide open screen for my dreary digital scribbling.

Can you believe winter is already here? It's like the universe clocked in when Halloween passed and dutifully dumped a whole year's worth of celestial dust on us in the span of 24 hours. I was skidding so much on the way home from work and teaching two lazy kids that I was driving at 30km/hr for an hour and a half fearing for my life. Little did I know I was driving with only two snow tires. Unbelievable.

So as you can tell, life has changed again drastically since the last time we've caught up. I've returned home. I did not extend my contract with that Chinese orchestra. I was paid, and went on holidays with my extended family for what seemed like a heavenly 3 weeks, even if I still spent it heartbroken inside. Like true Emerald fam fashion, as soon as I landed back in Canada, I was right back to work at the winery for 2 extremely busy months. But to actually starting to have my own income, I also started working at a financial firm as administrative support. So for quite a while, I was working two jobs full time. On top of that, I also started teaching my boss's two small kids piano.

But there's something else I'm shying away from telling you. I think you probably already guessed it. Yes, it's Mac. The minute I stepped into the airport in China and the minute I got home and settled in my own bed, I received a friend request on Wechat and a text message. It literally sent chills down my spine. How did he know that I was coming back that day? I ignored it for a few days. But I was suppressing how much I missed him for so long, and him reaching out to me definitely signaled that he's not happy or having problems with his new girlfriend. I decided to send a short text back to that one to see what's up. And that led me down a whole journey of — you guessed it — big mistake.

Keep in mind that I'm writing about it a month after I've broken up with him for the second time. So yes, it was definitely stupid. It was the definition of stupid. But I think I needed to experience all that disappointment again to finally accept the fact that I would never be able to have a healthy relationship with him. That he just, at least in this decade, not going to be able to come close to meet me where I am.

So here I am, alone again. Living with family as an adult is also in itself a big challenge. The relationship I have with my mother is faltering due to lifestyle differences, and I just really don't like pets — she has two dogs. At this point, whoever is reading probably just thinks I'm an evil person because who doesn't like dogs? Well, I'm sorry not sorry that if it's not my pet, I don't want to have to deal with unsolicited urine and defecation all over the place every time I get home from work. People, if you don't have time for pets, don't have them! Because you're not doing them a favour by not having the time to care for them!

Rant aside, it's taking everything and more to be optomistic about life right now. I've worked so hard for years, while battling mental illness, to try to achieve my dreams, and yet here I am working as a secretary. And the scariest part is that I actually enjoy it. I love how things can be done and over instead of having to pound at the same thing for years and not see any results. But I also feel like I'm betraying myself. What happened to all those years of hard work? Money spent? Late nights in the practice room? I don't know. The only thing I'm doing that is remotely close to that is interviewing for a small music school next week.

With this admin job, I can afford to live on my own, but I have no idea where I should go. It botched my plan of auditioning for a phD, and I gave up on an apartment downtown. And living in rented property will also limit my practice opportunities, not like I have time to practice with my current schedule.

But most of all, I feel so alone facing all this dilemma. Mac is gone. Mom sees me like an intruder everyday. Friendships are fading away as well. The only two friends I talk to on a daily basis are also living completely different lives and one is even long distance. The friends that I really do want to see live extremely far away and have also insanely busy lives. But would things change if I lived closer to them?

I know I'm not always the easiest to deal with. But I'm not a bad person. I do care and I'm interested to hear you out too. You just have to talk to me.

Insomnia

emeraldloves — Tue, 18 Jun 2019 15:47:43 GMT

Dear LJ,

For the first time in my life, I've started having trouble with sleep. Not that I can't fall asleep, but that I can't fall back asleep.

It's been 11 days since we have been completely broken off and I've not had a single night of adequate sleep. That and I'm so tired of working here. My pay is never certain and I'm always made to do what I don't want to do. And work relationships are so toxic with the colleagues here, so childish and undiplomatic I literally don't remember experiencing this even in high school.

And I ask myself, why am I always doing this? Why do I stay in a place I hate or a relationship I know won't last until I become so attached to it all? Because I don't believe that I will find better. I'm scared that no one else will want me. Deep down, I feel that I don't deserve my dream job or relationship. That's why I forget how to BE when I come across people that actually respect me. And I'm aware, but I don't know how to change all this. I hate myself. That has never changed. All the while, I can feel the clock ticking. I'm inching towards my late 20s. How can I still be struggling with this? Depression-induced-anxiety-induced-depression. How can I break the loop?

I've really tried to work on that list I made, but when real heartbreak hits you like a train, I'm just too busy collecting my own pieces. I'm so sick of talking about exes on this, but I can't find anything more therapeutic for me personally than writing. And I handwrite too slowly to catch up with my mind.

I've been binging self-help/motivational/relationship advice videos on YouTube for 5 months. And I'm still doing it. I hate that I could have used these 5 months to heal if I were strong enough to really let go. I tell myself that I lost him 11 days ago, but really I lost him during our first No Contact. The difference between us was that he used 5 months to move on from me and find someone else to fill that hole while I've been hoping and waiting for him to want me back. And now I have to start the recovery process all over again.
I lost the race from the very beginning.

I spent the last 11 days with people. I haven't been alone for one single evening this past week but I feel just as lonely in the company of others. I'm not able to connect with anyone and seeing all these friends with significant others just makes me feel even lonelier. No one prioritizes a friend when they're in a relationship.

I feel like I have nowhere to go. I don't want to stay here, but I don't want to go home to disappointed parents. I bursted into tears thinking about seeking refuge at my grandmother's. The only person in the moment ignorant of my situation enough to offer unconditional support.

Letting go is hard. Even though he might as well be dead to me. Pursuing something that I don't really want while being pain is hard. Not hating myself is hard. Having clarity and taking action is hard. But why should I drown when he's enjoying newfound happiness?

Motherland(?)

emeraldloves — Wed, 22 May 2019 14:17:48 GMT

Dear LJ,

Life is all sorts of unexpected. Every time I think I am going to leave you behind, some kind of life event always brings me back to you. In 2018, I packed my bags and (although I had to leave half of them) left Germany upon the closing of yet another chapter in my life. I really do think I'm rather an unfortunate contradiction in all the ways. Devoting my life to celebrate an art and yet scared of sharing this art; trotted a good part of the globe and yet still very much an introvert; went on countless adventures yet remaining an individual with mostly a sedentary lifestyle. I could go on. But yes, after a much resented 2 years in Germany, I actually had a very pleasant graduating experience filled with touring with my trio and organizing our very own concerts performing my absolutely favourite piece of music — beloved Brahms Clarinet Quintet.

And then I had a crazy, stupid, exciting, amazing, expensive, regrettable and yet unforgettable summer. I visited friends again. And an ex. Part of me did briefly consider the possibility of using her to stay in Europe. Well, except it wouldn't have been Europe any more after the referendum. But I did see many many things and have many great experiences — like always, bittersweet.

Then I was home. Back to slaving at the winery. Started an unlikely romance. But I couldn't deal with everything. I wasn't doing what I loved. I wasn't coping well with living with a controlling parent as an adult. The romance wasn't going well. But my mother, although not great at being easy to live with, loves me and saw that I was not in a good place. She encouraged me to call my former professor in Belgium to see if I could go back and give it another shot in Europe. Crazy enough, at the same time a good friend of mine who held the principal trombone position in an orchestra in China, after years of half-joking, actually sent my recording to its respective music director, who actually later expressed interest to invite me to audition. In February, I packed my bags again and set off for Belgium where I would take lessons in preparation for the audition.

A lot of miscommunication had occurred before I set foot in China. I was to substitute for the principal clarinet for a few programs before my audition. I had to miss one because I immediately fell sick with bronchitis. But I ended up going on tour and some extra concerts. I've never been treated so well and so poorly at the same time. What with 5 star hotels, free meals, big condo apartment but everything last minute. I never had time to prepare for anything and was thrown head first toward the most stressful circumstances, and it all was completely normal for the people here. On top of it all, that awkward romance lingered. It followed me miserably to Belgium where it drained my tears, and now to China, highlighting the loneliness of my situation even more.

As a result, I kept calling one of my long term penpals, the only friend who would be willing to listen to me talk about stupid decisions everyday for months on end. And one thing he said woke something up in me. He said to me, "Every minute you spend thinking about this useless guy you could be solving world hunger in Cambodia or something. It's such a waste of the brain power that was gifted to you."

This was true. I am so much more than whoever is interested in me romantically. This past year, literally from May 2018 to May 2019, has been such a big blur and passed by so fast, firstly because it was the first year that I hadn't been in school, but also because this was the timeframe where I devoted most of my time to him even if I wasn't with him physically. What would mentally single Emerald be aspiring to if none of that happened?

I don't even remember any more. I remember I wrote a list that I kept on my old phone.

1. Reading list

2. Compose a string quartet

3. Write a clarinet sonata

4. Write a poem

5. Make a new friend (god forbid)

6. Choose a topic of research

Here's a Forbes' list

1. Only use positive phrases.

2. Set no expectation rule

3. Exercise 2min after getting home instead of napping

4. Create 1 hour of free time each day

5. Journalize decisions and surprises

6. Building willpower by: waking up at latest 7am every night and going to bed latest 11pm

7. Share something positive everyday with others

8. Become a better speaker: take care in better phrasing thoughts and taking time to do so

I'm not sure if I can remember to do all of these but if I can get a momentum going, I guess it won't matter where I am or who I'm with. Whether or not I take this job, whether or not I'm single, whether I'm in Asia, Europe or North America. Here's to the present and future of self-betterment :)

Natural selection of love

emeraldloves — Sat, 06 Jan 2018 22:54:12 GMT

Hi LJ,

Long time no write, I guess I didn't miss you that much since I only really write depressing things here. As we venture into the new year, I'm here to record and share my first lesson learned from my first heartbreak of the year.

Not every young sprout is meant to be watered. Not every rekindling is meant to grow into bigger flames. Sometimes what didn't happen better remains that way. Don't be easily swayed so easily by temptation on the lonely path of life. Don't let your weakness become someone else's crutch.

9 years since my first entry here, I wish there's a day I can finally exhaust these pages of pain.

Womb

emeraldloves — Sat, 11 Feb 2017 22:37:26 GMT

Dear LJ,

As you can see from the title, I've recently seen the 2010 controversial film. It's always a pleasure to relish the deliciousness that is Eva Green. I mean, she embodies everything I would ever want in an actress. Literally perfection to the last hair follicle. I know that she has starred in many productions prior to Penny Dreadfuls but I think Vanessa Ives is the most wholesome display of all that she is despite it being a terribly written show. A woman who is beyond her own beauty, from her enormous blue eyes hooded by bushes of straight dark lashes that stare at you like you're going to be her next victim to her perfectly shaped lips and small frame, something about her is wicked, but you can also sense a deeply feminine fragility. And somewhere in her furrowed brows she's genuinely good. That's the thing about Eva Green. She can be that pretty woman if she wants to be but an evil witch the next second (has anyone heard her laugh?). Her low voice also naturally sends chills down your spine. She looks flawless from every angle; her last name is Green and she's even goddamn French. What more can I ask for?

Ok, before I babble even more about Eva Green, let's get to the movie. If you don't want any potential spoilers, please stop here. I can't express myself fully without referring to the plot - that is, the whole film revolves around one decision. After watching it, I'm left absolutely devastated for Eva's character, Rebecca. I know that she has not for one second regretted her decision but I found myself yelling at the computer screen more than once. I mean, let's first talk about identity. What defines who we are? Our physical body? Our DNA? I think most of us would disagree. I'd say 99% of our identity comes from our life experiences which are stored in our memories. So would we really consider the regeneration of our physical matter a prolongation of us?

In the snail box that Tommy gives her, Rebecca discovers a note from him that reads I will wait for you for as long as it takes. Yes, he hadn't been able to move on with life after she left, but we don't really know if it's just because his life turned out to be a wreck. After all, he didn't say goodbye to her because he simply overslept. I find so many things about Tommy to be absurd. His reason for missing the ferry, his projects to cause mass hysteria and his death. There was almost no meaning in his life. But back to my point, suppose Tommy really was waiting for her this entire time. He was at least able to anticipate a possibility of a happy ending. On the other hand, Rebecca's sacrifice was both selfish and completely selfless. She went against his parents' wishes but there was literally nothing she could gain from that decision. She was giving up her whole life for not even a resurrection of the real him. At the end of the day, she could neither be a mother, a lover nor even a friend. She lost everything, even more than the first time.

As for the taboo scene toward the end, it triggers so many feelings in me I don't know how to put it all into words. It's both traumatizing but satisfying. If I watch it a few times, I see more artistic elements in it. There was a nice build-up throughout the entire movie and we were all waiting for this moment of climax but we were all expecting it to be her doing. Turns out we're wrong. She tried to stay dutiful and moral the whole way even though it was killing her. But when the moment came, it had more of a rapey appearance to it. All of the sexual tension that was brewing inside her in all those 20 years came to an end like this. Why did he do it? Of all the emotions he felt, the confusion, rage, fear, hatred for her was all justifiable. She was prepared for all that. Nevertheless, nothing seems to explain what his reactions to the truth led him to do. But then if we look closely, was it always one-sided? When he introduced his girlfriend and asked if she could say, Rebecca responded exactly how she was supposed to, as a supportive and welcoming parental figure. And yet we could see that Tommy was deeply unhappy and disappointed by this reaction. What was he expecting? What has he been feeling for her this whole time?

The film really leaves a lot for the audience to imagine and feel. There isn't much dialogue and the story isn't very plot-oriented. Everything is shown in Rebecca - her gestures, facial expressions and her silhouette. The only thing I'd change is the casting of the male lead. Like, Matt Smith? Really? No offense to Doctor Who fans but you've got the goddess of elegance standing here in Eva Green and you couldn't cast someone who's closer to her level? Tom Hiddleston? Sam Claflin? Jude Law? Ok maybe not. Definitely not Cumberbatch either. But Tom Hiddleston would've been much more fitting, and his name is even Tom. I was not insignificantly disappointed when adult Tommy emerged. Other than that, I'd definitely recommend this movie.

Attractiveness

emeraldloves — Fri, 10 Feb 2017 13:35:43 GMT

Dear LJ,

Have I written an entry on this before? I don't think I have. I usually try to avoid cliché topics and write about things that nobody else can relate to haha. Well, some years ago I remember I surrendered to myself and wrote an entry on love and thought it was the end of the world. So, now physical appearance? Oh god, what is happening to you, Emerald?? Well, I guess the endless media coverage on world politics being shoved down my throat everyday on top of intensive audition prep everyday is just making me want to talk about superficial things that have nothing to do with either.

So where do I start? First of all, you know when you go on Youtube and spend a little more time than you intend on there and end up in "that weird part"? Yeah, that's me today. I kept being recommended these videos on different kinds of Asian talking about desirability and ideal appearance in one context or another. This was irritating, to say the least. I couldn't bear to finish any of these videos. These people were basically repeating the same things: Asian people like white skin better because of classicism, Asian people idolize Caucasian appearance, Asian people strive for Caucasian facial features and body type etc. It's even more infuriating because they conduct interview in different Asian countries to confirm this.

On the one hand, I'm ashamed for the discriminatory and racist preferences of my people, but on the other hand, the average citizen of any country who hasn't frequently travelled abroad will have a much narrower perspective of those who are different from them. People who live their whole lives in China or Korea will have consumed Western media that predominantly spotlights white celebrities. They won't have much real life experiences with white or dark skinned people to actually judge for themselves. These people are fed Hollywood trash even more severely than Americans. They have this image of white people just from seeing actors and supermodels. The counterpart to this is that white people who live in rural regions in their countries around the world without much interaction with Asian people think all Asian people have slant eyes and yellow skin. It's all founded on ignorance.

But truthfully, what really hurts is the persistent global white glorification and dismissive attitude toward Asian merits. It reminds me of the shadow of white superiority that even us long-time immigrants struggle to step out of. What hurts is that many of us raised in a Western country, no matter which Western country, are still climbing that racial latter and putting ourselves in second-class. Knowing that it's wrong, we are still doing it. We still do it after we admit it, after ranting about it and hypocritically after lecturing other people about it. We are trying to be part of white social circles, adopting Caucasian lifestyles and pursuing romantic relationships with Caucasians. I can't count how many times I've encountered a Chinese person felt embarrassed about an all Asian group picture on Facebook or felt the need to clarify that they don't only have Asian friends. Why does it matter?

Moreover, I have found it hard to really understand the beauty standards of either cultures. I don't understand the Korean eyebags or bluish white skin, the Chinese exaggerated eye sockets, the double-eyelid, the tanned blonde, the thigh gap, crazy eyeliner, crazy nails, sharp eyebrows, Brad Pitt, postpuberty Leonardo DiCaprio, Dakota Johnson and any of the Asian actresses who appear in Hollywood productions(because they either have too small of a pool of selection or prefer actors that conform to their projected ethnic image or whose appearance won't compete with the Caucasian protagonists). I know nobody aggrees with me but I seriously just don't get it lol. How about David Gyasi, Taye Diggs, D.B. Woodside or even Dev Patel? Shazad Latif? He's not very famous yet but I'd hit that in a heartbeat. Lesley-Ann Brandt? Aishwarya Rai, like I can't even. Or the millions of naturally beautiful Asian people and celebrities that will never be cast in Hollywood? Ok I'm going a bit far, but I guess this is just a vent of frustration at my fellow people. Don't you see that there are attractive people in every race? Skin colour is not a prerequisite for beauty.

I'm just talking to myself here. The people who really need to hear this will never see it, but I just have to come to terms with that. So here's me fangirling to get everything out of my system. Jo In-Sung is gonna be hot even if you darken his skin colour by 5 shades. There's also this Youtube makeup guru called Kaushal Beauty based in the UK. (I swear there's a trend of extremely attractive South Asian British people.) If she ever becomes interested in acting, I really hope she gets discovered by some agency because she literally is perfect.

Well, to every human being out there, there will always be someone who will recognize your beauty. It's such an inconsistent and fluctuating thing. Also, appearance is only a part of what determines how desirable someone is. I'm just going to leave it at that.

We are the original

emeraldloves — Mon, 30 Jan 2017 22:57:49 GMT

Dear LJ,

I've recently been trapped in a bit of downtime and maybe that's why I'm coming back here to my safe space to try to recall my initial inspirations and re-motivate myself to get back to the thing that I so far enjoy the most. It's the "so far" that slips in the doubt, isn't it? I can't know what I haven't experienced. I guess it's just like being in a committed relationship and suddenly realizing you're already committed to the only person you have ever been with even though there are millions of people out there that you don't know and some of which could, in theory, be better than the person now. And so, is this a sound reason to abandon a commitment you don't really have problems with just because there is a possibility of there being something better out there? Wow this really puts it into perspective.

But I actually came here to talk about works that were originally written for clarinet and then "stolen" by string instruments. Recently, I've been listening to various clarinet trios with cello because I'm currently playing in such a group and looking around for repertoire ideas for the future. In the past, I've played Brahms and Zemlinsky trios, the latter of which having been subjected to an alternative violin version. It's funny because young string players who do no research on their repertoire will generally assume that everything they play is written for their own instrument. I've had violists ask me "do you know the Brahms sonatas? Clarinet players play them too" or roll their eyes when I inform them who these works were actually written for.

Well today, to my delight, I actually found another work that is generally believed to be written for the standard piano trio with violin which was in fact intended to be a clarinet trio. This is Fauré's Opus 120 trio in D minor. To my further pleasant surprise, this fact was dug up by a piano professor of my alma mater. Prof. Ilya Poletaev found the evidence from the letters M.Fauré wrote to his wife during the creation of this work.

Interesting isn't it? I know it's childish but I can't help feel slightly pleased about this. The piece also reminded me of Ravel's F minor string quartet. It almost has a hint of harmonic minimalism in it. It's folky and has a fable-like narrative quality to it, much like a lot of Schumann's works. Even though Fauré was active during the Romantic era, this work strikes me to have none of the yearnings and messy emotions that is inherent of Romanticism. I like that it's more clean, fresh and with a youthful innocence. If anyone would be interested, there are very limited recordings of the original version with clarinet, but it's worth a listen.

Vltava (Die Moldau), Má vlast - Smetana

emeraldloves — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 19:15:56 GMT

It's been so long since I've written about music, so I decided to share a great piece of music I have come to love by a not so mainstream composer.

Vltava, or more commonly known as Die Moldau is the second symphonic poem from the set, Má vlast that you might have guessed to mean "my land". Vltava is the river that winds itself through Prague and many parts of the Czech Republic. Just like Die Donau(the Danube), it bears the pride of the people and their history.

The music from the beginning is already luring the listener to go somewhere. A gurgling small stream runs through fields of grass and flowers, sometimes hiding from the sun under the trees while peeking out between the leaves. You follow it, only to watch it become part of a bigger existance of sparkling green, righteously marking its place, beckoning to be conquered, leading its way toward the cities and people. It passes beautiful landscapes, towers of castles that reach unattainable heights, grand cathedrals and busy markets. It passes by the house of a family that is celebrating something. They are preparing for a feast with maidens carrying around plates and plates of food with people sitting outside, chatting and laughing amongst themselves. This picturesque moment speaks of gratification, enjoyment, riches and abundance. But of course the river keeps going. You follow it steadily out of the sight of people, the happy voices of the feasting people quickly fade and the water passes through one more bridge before it enters another realm of untouched innocence like from where it began. It's a simple world of the flowing green whether in wind or water. But why are you sensing a hint of sadness coming? Is this loneliness? You look up and the sun is no longer there, only a rippling moon. All of a sudden, everything is becoming obscure. This sparkling green is now black, still slowly flowing somewhere. But darkness is no match for the noble and righteous. You close your eyes and push forward, following the low hum of the flow. By the time you open them, you are already beginning to see colours from above. The rain is causing the water to toil and charge forward with even more determination. But the mist is making everything blurry. Is this a majestic river or the noble spirit of a man? You're not sure, but you know he is forever triumphantly advancing toward in this land that gives him immense pride.

Last winter, I visited Prague, but I hadn't taken too much notice of the river. Now that I look back at the pictures took from the top of the Prague castle. There is definitely prominent body of water that cuts through various parts of the city. Without it, this beautiful city would be missing a big piece of its identity.

Another fresh start (and baking)

emeraldloves — Sat, 19 Nov 2016 23:32:30 GMT

Dear LJ,

It's been exactly one month since I've started living in Germany. Life has become a lot slower paced and plain.

What really inspired me to write at this very moment was an apple crumble. I haven't mentioned it in my previous entries on her but this was something her and I often spent our evenings making. Today it took me all of an hour and 45 minutes to send the dish into the oven. As I'm peeling and cutting the apples, I could feel her agonizing over my working pace and grabbing the peeler out of my hand to finish the rest at her usual lightning speed. And she would always boil the apples a bit before baking to cut down the baking time.

My mind started wandering over the scent of freshly cut apples. I don't think we were polar opposites. More like the two areas that don't overlap in a Venn diagram. I wonder if she would be proud of me if she sees me making this gigantic apple crumble and cutting 12 apples all by myself. She would probably shake her head. I've always thought I would tear up from an overflow of memories, but I guess I've really recovered. The experiences with her have just become another part of me that I've finally been able to digest and absorb.

Ah sorry, I started rambling about the past again. Ok, the present. Right. Well, it didn't take more than a week for me to start missing Belgium insanely. I know, I always fall victim to the mind's tricks of turning everything in the past into positive memories. But I do remember how much I complained when I first arrived there too, but it was mostly due to financial despair. Well, here in the tiny town within a town at the Swiss border, I'm living a life of financial haven. But I've also lost the busy streets, loud hallways where I can always meet someone new, my Spanish mob and the sweetest man on earth of a teacher. Aaand hello to loneliness.

Ok well, let's not be as bleak as the weather, shall we? I live on the second floor of a house with 3 roommates, neither of whom I could communicate with much, but are generally nice people. I technically have two rooms as my room was split into two even though my rent is unimaginably cheap for a city girl like me. Behind our house is a really big garden that is home to a well matured apple tree where even in November, we can pick many apples to make desserts like the crumble right now. Everybody I've met here have been very helpful and kind. I'm also lucky to have mutual friends here from my general social circles. I just need to form closer companionships. And keep working towards the same goals.

Wow, random fireworks behind my street as I write. I guess this town can be spontaneous when it wants.

Back to the baking though, I can pin a recipe to every close friendship I've had. Banana bread and carrot cake with my closest friend during university, veggie wellington with my then TA, veggie lasagna with my childhood friend, cheesy broccoli/cauliflower with my then quintet colleague, macarons(!) with another quintet colleague and the many times I've made cheese cake with my family before becoming lactose intolerant. I remember a time when mom was so inspired she made a carrot cake and coconut cake and brought them all the way from Toronto to Montreal. I was too self-centred to appreciate it at the time but I had made her promise that we'd do some baking together when I returned. Lo and behold, the two of us set on a mission one day and made carrot cake, coconut cake, cheese cake and granola bar all at once. Wait...maybe she was there too... (I just checked my facebook history and couldn't find anything since I've blocked her. Well, guess we'll never know.)

I guess to find a little bit of happiness again I have to bake on.

Summer experiences

emeraldloves — Wed, 24 Aug 2016 21:31:36 GMT

Dear LJ,

It's again been a while since we've talked. A lot of things have happened in the past few months, even just the past month, that I would like to update you on.

Here I'm writing to you just minutes before midnight in a small town in Greece, reflecting on this past year in Belgium, the past month in Germany, and the next chapter of my life which will also be in Germany. Just a few hours ago I was enjoying the sunset with some ice tea and yoghurt ice cream by the Aegean seaside. Everything around me was beautiful but I was heavy with thoughts.

Can you fall in and out of love with someone in one month? Can you romantically connect with multiple people during the same period of time? Can all these feelings be mutual and genuine? Maybe you will say no. But they took place in a castle in Bavaria, only they also stayed there. They were meant to remain as beautiful memories, but from these experiences, I created fresh feelings and took what belonged in a dream to real life.

Oh silly me. Beautiful experiences will always only be experiences, no matter how real they seemed at the time. It was already a miracle that I had opened my heart, even if for just an instant, in such a short period of time. Brava, Emerald, you have gained ever more courage. These experiences will pave way for the future.

Even aside from romance, life in the castle seemed only possible in a dream. The intimate collaboration with great artists whether they were gifted students or seasoned professionals, the great connection with fellow talented musicians, the well-received performances, the overwhelming support and positive review gave me so much strength that it really brought out the best of me. On top of it all, I also received the unexpected acceptance letter from my dream school in Germany.

Greece will be my last stop of relaxation this summer. It's very clear to me that life ahead is still difficult and that outside the castle, I'm still just me. I know what the better version of myself looks like so I can at least strive for that image. But the me in real life still needs to get at the tedious. I know I can get through this and take on upcoming challenges. This is August Emerald leaving a message for September Emerald: remember what is important to you and never look back.

A little growing bud

emeraldloves — Fri, 24 Jun 2016 09:49:11 GMT

Continuing from the last thought, I am constantly in awe of the range of things we are able to experience which sometimes we can recognize and identify while other times we don't. I admit that I'm childish and it always takes me longer to internalize things but I'm learning little by little by myself - things that I know in theory but don't really understand until they become my own reality in a given moment. Little by little, I'm learning to make peace with my own mind, and I know everyone knows that it is exceedingly difficult, even more so for someone who is psychologically unhealthy.

I haven't been very uplifted in the past few weeks, or months even. I've been and felt rejected, unwanted and unworthy in variable aspects of my life. These things don't make me feel particularly sad because I have heavy emotional armour. They just weigh down on the motivation I rely on to keep going from day to day. I can't do anything about rejections because they will happen in life, a lot, especially to people like me. I just have to carry on. Anything that is decided by external forces is out of my control but it is possible, with a lot of wisdom and will, to control my feelings about these things. Yes, we've all talked about this, but it's definitely easier said than done.

I've found it difficult to pass the evenings lately with the strange feelings I have had to come to terms with but as I sat in a room today, next to my clarinet and a grand piano, taking a break to better focus my concentration, I realized that really - everything is okay. It is a good thing to have benign relationships and feelings with the people around you. Every human being has their own strengths, potential and worth. Nobody else decides that but themselves. As you get closer to people, they become more transparent. You see more of their flaws but also things that you like about them. None of this is going to be objective because it's your subjective experience with personal opinions. It is okay to become comfortable around someone with time and like spending time with them. You don't have to antagonize them in your mind for this. Don't bring any unnecessary high-horse bullcrap about worth into something that is genuine human-ness. Remember all that talk about allowing yourself to be vulnerable and and open to experiences? This is how it starts.

There are some things that you need to experience at certain times and you need to allow it to happen. It's the same thing with allowing pain to run its course. Your feelings don't define who you are. Be honest and accepting and happy that you are capable of feeling what you feel because somewhere out there, someone else will have too much baggage or defense mechanisms to be as innocent, original and untouched as you. Recognize why things happen and if they don't turn out for the better, be more aware of these patterns in the future and take it in your hand to steer things in the direction you feel to be more ideal. If being comfortable doesn't satisfy you, really step out of that zone. Little by little, you will get there. Half of it is just your will, and when the opportunity comes, just be prepared. Build the worth you deserve for yourself.

You have all the tools, the knowledge and the skill to become great. There is beauty in you that is covered by debris. You are always so close to it all but you are the one pulling yourself farther away. If it's within an arm's reach, don't deliberate and imagine it to be days away. Don't build your life with reflections. There is always tomorrow, but you still have today and that's where all your dreams and hopes are for now.

Just a tad behind

emeraldloves — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 21:55:44 GMT

Has anyone wondered why with 2 million years of existence and the incredible progression of the human society throughout time, us human beings still haven't really moved on from some of our own mechanisms that no longer serve us? Nature has taken strides of such lengths and we've witnessed its tremendous growth in close study but humans still haven't grown out of some silly things. This ranges from the wisdom teeth that are practically useless to the fight or flight response reflex that may be useful once or twice in a lifetime, but make life harder most of the time. But I'm thinking of the more interesting one: the mating instinct.

No, I'm not saying we shouldn't have this. No, of course it is one of the most essential element of being human, of being alive. It's just the disagreement of commands from the brain that the body has to deal with all the time that makes it frustrating. We often associate emotions with the brain and physical instincts with the body. Well, now we know that everything comes from the brain. That electrifying sensation from the touch of a certain someone is from the brain, but the hesitation of whether to engage in an act that you may or may not regret later on is also from the brain. This is technically all cognitive dissonance.

What happened was that our needs have evolved as a result of cultural conditioning from the ongoing change of society but our mating reflexes are still the same as they were from the beginning. At the start, primates, just like all mammals, mated when they were of age to reproduce. Now, similarly, after puberty, we all want to sleep with each other. Well, what's stopping us from doing that? Let's just brush off all the social stigma and the instilled fear of STDs and unwanted pregnancy. The real problem is that our brains have 1: raised the bar for sexual pleasure and 2: expanded a single act of sex into a much bigger issue.

I have recently binge watched a lot of TED talks and noticed most of them (or everything Youtube was shoving in my face) were about either passion and purpose or love and sex, probably because these are the things that people are most interested in but have no answers for. Well guess what? These people also don't have answers. One of these videos was a woman talking about whether casual sex is bad for us and of course, she went about it the stigmatization route. The truth is, we've already heard enough about stigmas. And yes, they influence all of our decisions, but at the end of the day, it's not the fear of judgement that makes us shy away from what we consider unconventional options. It's because some conventions are actually somehow physically wired within us.

While our brains are always sending signals to our reproductive organs to fuck, we are trying our best to carefully select the right partner for us as individuals. But the little gal down there tells us we need it right now! This very moment! Sometimes this instinct overcomes us and we reply to that guy who's been texting us everyday non stop whom we know we don't really like or just isn't exactly right for us. We give in. But we're still not satisfied. Why? Because no matter how well someone has performed in bed, it's just not the same without emotional connection. This is the increased difficulty for sexual pleasure. Orgasms are also linked with foreplay, and emotions play a major role during foreplay. These emotions are influenced by the current status of the relationship you have with your partner which is a result of everything that has happened before you got into each other's pants. This is the expansion of sex into a larger process of social interaction. They all go hand in hand.

So to prevent these disappointing scenarios, what do we do? We start to just opt for the easiest, safest route. We turn to ourselves. And again, stigma aside, is this a sound solution for the issue at hand? No. We know what we are looking for, and this is not it. This feeds even less the emotional needs of our desires, because somehow we have to arouse ourselves all on our own, without any counterpart. And then we resort to erotic media, and we all know how detrimental those are for our sexual health.

So we're back to home base. We're here, with the same periodic urges but the wisdom that we should wait for the right moment. Our body does not help us, because it hasn't evolved at the same pace as our mind. It drives us to pursue things that won't even satisfy itself. But somehow, unlike a computer that can program itself against repeating mistakes, our brain will still send out the same signals like a forgotten alarm, knowing it will probably release contradicting commands immediately after. So what do we do? As humans in this complex world of unquenched desires, what have we left to do?

Sibling Love

emeraldloves — Fri, 11 Mar 2016 13:28:50 GMT

I hate the word incest. It sounds like the maggots-in-rotting-flesh kind of disgusting. Even stripped of its meaning the word itself draws such a repulsive reaction. But of course, the concept within itself is most undoubtedly repulsive. Romantic complications that occur cross generations usually has traces of exploit and abuse in it and generally would be categorized as statutory rape. I see it as any other sane person. Because when the person who is supposed to be a figure of authority in your life, a role model and a guardian chooses to succumb to decadence, I don't know how else to put it - it's some fucked up shit. On the other hand, somehow, I've always found sparks of attraction between siblings to be alluringly fascinating.

And no, I'm not talking about cousins, adopted siblings, step siblings or half siblings. I'm talking about a brother and a sister who are fully related and share the same set of biological parents. Better yet, twins who share the exact same genetic makeup. And I'm not even talking about siblings separated at birth and reunited as adults because there is a scientific explanation for that. It's called Genetic Sexual Attraction and occurs when relatives of opposite sex see each other for the first time as adults and become attracted to each other due to assortative mating. They don't know how to handle meeting someone they have never met before who is supposed to be very close to them and somehow try to make up for the missing intimacy too quickly and it escalates into sexual feelings.

However, siblings who were raised together generally undergo reverse sexual imprinting that desensitizes their natural sexual attraction for each other. But apparently according to Westermarck, this only takes place from age 0-6 which means as children, we begin to have sexual awareness at 6 years old, not when puberty starts, which is when we start wanting to act on our sexual feelings. Hell, I can think back to pre-school era and the countless incidents of pervert male classmates I had to deal with. And maybe that partly explains my closet slut self. But back to topic, so what does this say about siblings who have always lived together who still grew up developing romantic feelings for one another?

Since I'm the hopeless romantic, I think of it this way: what is the greatest form of romantic love? When you meet a stranger, go through the whole courting process and eventually fall in love with them, you don't hold too many stakes at hand. If things work out, great, if they don't, you go back to (pretend to) being strangers again. But if you fall in love with your sibling, whether or not you stay in love, you will always unconditionally love each other. That's unconditional love on top of unconditional love. You can never sever the bond. It's both a blessing and a curse - but mostly the latter. And you've also known everything about each other since birth, and you know all of each other's faults before the spark happens. There is no opportunity to create any kind of illusion as we do during the honeymoon phase. And the most beautiful part about it is that because it's so twisted and taboo that this kind of love will almost only bring misery and yet it will be more difficult to let go of than anything else.

Well, at least that's how the media portrays it. 99% of Western movies or dramas that feature this kind of relationship have incredibly depressing endings, and make up all kinds of horrible scenarios to justify it or subtly place the blame on one particular sibling for being either purposely seductive or perverted. I have come across some of the most fucked up plots while looking through these films. Outside of Western media, the only genres that would feature this kind of storyline are erotica, porn, and hentai, specifically created for the pleasure of single sick-minded men. No one seems to be able, or daring enough to treat this subject fairly, in a serious, realistic light. But there are many sibling couples out there in the world, anonymous, and living their lives like normal people. As long as they don't reproduce, what harm do they bring to the world?

Now, of course I have so many fantasies about this because I don't have a brother to deal with any consequences. But if I think about a male version of me, I can almost say with undeniable certainty that I won't be attracted to him. Assortative mating goes against Darwinism completely, and most definitely doesn't apply to me. I can think to first cousins, second cousins and a second uncle who is the same age as me, and regardless of how often I have seen them before the age of 6, I don't find them attractive at all. Because generally, I'm much more attracted to people who look the least like me. Maybe self-hate has something to do with this, but I'm convinced it's more because of the natural push for genetic variation. And this is why I'm so fascinated with this type of phenomenon. Should society be more lenient on this marginalized group? Or would the lack of taboo take away its appeal?

Merry Christmas & Happy Selfish Thoughts

emeraldloves — Thu, 24 Dec 2015 13:46:01 GMT

All I want for Christmas is tuition debt-free, steady income, a pair of new instruments, a partner whom I would want to stay with for more than 6 months and lots and lots of macarons :)

New Stage in Life

emeraldloves — Sun, 22 Nov 2015 23:07:15 GMT

Dear LJ,

I haven't updated in almost half a year. I think that's the longest hiatus I've ever taken. Truly, many things happened during this time. I had the time of my life working for the National Academy Orchestra of Canada during the summer, and moved to Belgium, leaving behind all the friends and precious memories I've made during those months.

Yes, Belgium. Somehow my plan to study in Europe resulted in going to Brussels. The city I blogged about 7 years ago when I first visted Europe; the city I raved about; the city I called my favourite. But I had a completely different reaction when I landed this time. I arrived in late August, and have since made friends who come from various countries, speaking various languages. I now live with a Spanish roommate in the historical centre of the city. There are constant doubts, joyous spontaneity, new found connections and various things I experience everyday. I didn't think this is the right place, don't know if it's the right place, but somehow I ended up here.

A quick fastforward to this moment right now brings us to the ongoing IS terror threats. Since yesterday, downtown Brussels has been in a lockdown. Today, the police is hunting for a fugitive in the Grand Place area from which I only live several minutes away by foot. That beautiful square I once was so amazed to see is now constantly under construction(though I never see work being done) and bears resemblance of a neglected senior who is too frail to give himself a bath and losing teeth as he speaks. I walk home in the evenings and experience actual harassment from men. It actually feels sketchy and scary to be outside past 10pm no matter what neighbourhood you're in. It makes me feel that I'm finally living in the real world with real dangers.

But then I see tourists on my way to school every single day. Even during the darkest days with the heaviest rainfall, men and women in expensive clothing raise their expensive cameras and try to capture the perfect image. Unlike the deserted streets, the bright lit alleys of bars and pubs buzz with conversation and laughter. Is it really real? These tourists see Brussels through the same lens as 15 year old me. But living here, without that veil, is an entirely different experience. Sometimes I think about this twofold reality. And how I can never really know a place in its entirety just like I can never really know all the faces of one person, including myself.

Today marks the 3rd day I've had to stay at home. Here, a weekend doesn't feel like a weekend without an outing with a friend or two with a drink or two in hand. I've finally learned to not binge drink every single time. There's always something happening. As I'm getting older, I'm acquiring more and more friends to hang out with once in a while and less friends I spend time with everyday. But it's the moving around. I've never had roots. Just a leaf in the river, going wherever the stream takes me.

helpful reminders

emeraldloves — Sun, 07 Dec 2014 07:32:30 GMT

Today I experienced two very uplifting moments, both in a musical context (duh) that made me remember again what kind of place I'm in and why I'm here.

Earlier in the evening, I sang in a choir concert. It wasn't as long as I thought, but we went through a LOT of material. I think it's because I've never performed a full length concert of just choir music. Singers naturally cannot sing for as long durations as instrumentalists so choir pieces may look long on paper but only be 5 minutes. A normal orchestral concert may include 3-4 pieces but a choir concert may present 10 or more. Just because the pieces are shorter in terms of time, there's still a lot of diction and music to learn. Also, you can perform an orchestral concert sick but singing with sickness is like performing with a broken clarinet. I've learned all of this in this session of Orpheus Singers.

Anyway, there was an imitative duo in the middle of our program. Literally. Imitative duo of just one bass and one tenor. The tenor was not a natural singer or performer but a doctoral student in music theory. He worked very hard but his performance was still shaky and full of tension (just like me!). But on each side of the stage were a pair of attentive eyes fixed upon him that mediated so much warmth that only the young man himself did not notice. They were proud of his work and curious as to how he would handle a performance experience. They were his professors and mentors. Their smiles and smirks moved me so much that I actually teared up. Then I looked out to the audience. Now this reminds me of something a friend always says as a joke. But on the contrary, no one wants to see the world burn. Humanity, no matter how twisted some parts of it are, wants to experience wonder.

And artistry is creating that wonder. Even after listening to so many interpretations of the Brahms sonatas, artists always manage to make it more and more beautiful. I have come across dozens of recordings with very musical renditions and mostly with a nice sound but there is always someone that expresses even more and sings even more beautifully. Tonight, it's Romain Guyot. I discovered him while doing research on European schools and this man just takes beauty to a different level. He reminds me of my real pursuit and why it is so addicting. At the core of all the ambition, career goals and acclaim is a very simple desire. It's simply the search of a beautiful sound. A sound more beautiful than the human voice.

long time no see

emeraldloves — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 19:05:54 GMT

Hi LJ,

It's been another while since I've crawled back to this place of a shipwreck . I'm less of a mess - or more, depends on how you see it - this time!

Lately I've been experiencing such a variety of emotions and physical changes that something new pops up every time I think I've learned to cope with them. I'm a little stuck between suppressing stress and handling social relationships (who isn't?!). A month ago I called mental health to ask about my therapy placement and they didn't even have me on the list. There was a lot of confusion and then they apologized profusely and told me they would schedule an appointment for me in 2 weeks but that never happened. Classic McGill admin...

Usually at a critical point of life, something always collapses inside me. But it's okay, I've learned to give the most out of the bare minimum that I reduce myself to. And it's always at a time like this that I stop, take a step back, and start reflecting.

How does one live a fulfilling life? I have always placed all my hope, passion on and made an emotional pillar of career achievement. For me, it's the safest, purest, most straightforward way of establishing self worth. Gain approval of others - at least at this stage - of those that I respect. But at the same time, I'm growing and becoming more confident with myself. But career achievement is only one of the most conventional ways. Romance, climbing the ladder within a social niche, monetary wealth and living stability are among others. Romance sort of permeates most of the other areas as well. Brahms couldn't have left us with his transcendental gems of profound expression if it weren't for Clara. Some of Beethoven's most beautiful works are attributed to the mysterious Beloved.

But what if we forget about all these norms? What if we threw career achievement, soulmate-ship, social status, money and settling down out the window? There are so many people right now who are pursuing what I call the "modern pilgrimage". Some of them aren't even that young. They are so grateful about life everyday because they discover new things and do different things in different places and meet different people everywhere. They discover themselves by immersing in the unfamiliar. But it really isn't just about finding the way. Many of them were never lost to begin with. They become so independent on so many levels. So free from all the strings and ties. Sounds like everything that would complete me.

Some other people choose even more extreme routes. Some completely withdraw from society and live anonymously, alone and disappear from the world but spend their life doing what they love which can be as simple as building wooden houses in the forest. Although I'm not really proud of this but having penpals and talking to people on the internet has opened my eyes so much to the different kind of lifestyles one can adopt. Most of the time, I feel like these extreme choices come as a reaction against what they experience in their upbringing and immediate social environment. But can you say it's wrong? What is the most important thing about living life? Being content and happy with oneself, right? We're at an age where we advocate the idea of living for ourselves and no one else so what's the point of condemning those who don't live up to mainstream standards?

I guess at the end of the day, I will probably still clutch onto my career dreams because I don't have anything else with the same degree of certainty, and hope that everything else just comes into place in the process of getting where I want/need to be. What's more is that the craft I've chosen to perfect requires me to become a better person as a whole in order to succeed and so I will definitely know it when that happens.

one liners

emeraldloves — Wed, 22 Oct 2014 03:13:33 GMT

So many firsts. Sometimes I wish i was more sheltered.

Dark Side

emeraldloves — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 00:46:59 GMT

Hide
Parting ways, part of me
Reign my darkness
Why does it break my heart
Pride
Suddenly over my head
You're my darkness
Why does it break my heart
Sometimes I hear your voice
I've overcome

Oh my darker side
I'll find your light
I know you better than this
I'll carry the way
Until the moment I break

Stay down you're safe, now in hiding
Face down your pain, heart is lightning
Sometimes I hear your voice
I've overcome

[Oh my darker side
I'll find your light
I know you better than this
I'll carry the way
Until the moment I break]

Your Soul

emeraldloves — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 20:33:52 GMT

I see you under blue skies
I need a little sunshine
I fell into your brown eyes
I told you I was your light
no I don't wanna talk about it
I don't wanna listen all that much
Is it falling apart?
I don't wanna talk about it
I just wanna hold your hand

Oh you know when you're alone
I'm holding on and on and on and on
Oh you know when you're alone
I'm holding on and on and on and on
To your soul, your soul

Soul shine
You must've been so tired
Don't cry
I must've been so blind

Oh you know when you're alone
I'm holding on and on and on and on
Oh you know when you're alone
I'm holding on and on and on and on
To your soul, your soul, your soul, your soul

no I don't wanna talk about it
I don't wanna listen all that much
Is it falling apart?
I don't wanna talk about it
I just wanna hold your hand

Oh you know when you're alone
I'm holding on and on and on and on
Oh you know when you're alone
I'm holding on and on and on and on
To your soul, your soul, your soul, your soul

Rhodes

Yum Yum

emeraldloves — Mon, 18 Aug 2014 16:48:14 GMT

I know I haven't updated for a very long time and school is coming up so there's nothing better than coming back with a neutral post on healthy living. I've also been suffering from a constant lack of physical energy this entire summer so it's really time to get back into the game.

This list is compiled from many sources but it's more catered toward my diet because I'm pescaterian and I'm a picky eater ;D

1. Brown Rice
"Brown rice isn’t just packed with complex carbs. It’s a top source of magnesium, too. That’s good news since research from the USDA’s Agricultural Research Service finds that low magnesium levels can hinder your body’s energy metabolism. If you work out, it’s even more important as a diet low in magnesium can zap the quality of your workout, causing you to tire more easily. Just 1 cup of cooked brown rice delivers more than a quarter of the magnesium women require in a day and a fifth the amount that men need."

2. Edamame
"Eating a balanced snack every 3 to 4 hours prevents dips in blood sugar that leave you lethargic and listless. Edamame could be one of the smartest picks of all. Not only is it perfectly balanced with slowly digested fiber, complex carbs, and healthy fat, it packs a whopping 16 grams of protein per cup for less than 200 calories. Plus, it’s rich in magnesium and B vitamins that our bodies need to convert carbohydrates into energy. Make your own snack packs by parceling cup-sized portions of frozen edamame into baggies. They’ll defrost just in time for a late morning nosh. In this recipe, we’re upped the energy-factor in traditional succotash with the addition of vibrant green edamame."

3. Melons
"Melons such as cantaloupe, honeydew, and watermelon aren’t just bursting with energizing vitamins and minerals. With 90 percent of their weight coming from water, they fight fatigue by keeping you hydrated. That’s good news according to a 2012 Journal of Nutrition study, which found that even mild dehydration can sap your energy and mood. Pick up a cup of diced cantaloupe or watermelon on your way to work for a hydrating midmorning snack or prepare a melon-packed salad to pack for lunches."

4. Crab
"This crustacean isn’t just a tasty source of superlean protein, it’s also packed with vitamin B12, which balances mood and fights fatigue. B12 also keeps red blood cells healthy so they can ferry oxygen to our brains, helping us think clearly and stay energized. B12 is only found naturally in animal foods like meat, chicken, and fish, so it might be easy to fall behind on daily needs. Consider crab as an efficient (and delicious) source: One tiny 3-ounce serving dishes up nearly a third of the B12 you need each day for only 71 calories and less than a gram of fat. Buy it canned for a speedy addition to salads, risotto, and pasta or splurge on fresh lump crabmeat for company-worthy crab cakes."

5. Salmon
"Salmon is high in essential omega-3 fatty acids that are needed for energy production, brain activity, and circulation as well as maintaining heart health."

6. Cashews, Almonds, Walnuts, Brazil Nuts
"These nuts are rich in protein and magnesium, a mineral that plays a key role in converting sugar into energy. Being low on magnesium can drain your energy. Good sources of magnesium include whole grains, particularly bran cereals, and some fish, including halibut. Brazil nuts adds a touch of selenium which can improve the mood."

7. Bananas
"Rich in potassium and B vitamins, bananas help slow down digestion and can keep blood sugar levels stable."

8. Citrus Fruits
"Citrus fruits, like lemons and limes, are rich in Vitamin C which can boost our body's immune system."

9. Greek Yogurt
"Yogurt of all sorts contains probiotics, which are well known for being a key part of healthy digestion. These probiotics can also help fight a weak immune system and boost your energy levels."

10. Kale
"Kale really is a superfood. High in vitamins and minerals, kale is a great energy booster and key source of calcium. "If you want to cook it, make sure to cook it well in oil and balsamic vinegar in order to ensure that all the energy producing vitamins and minerals are easily digestible and absorbed for use in the body."

Most of these things are already in my daily diet. Hopefully with a good sleeping schedule I can reverse my health condition right now.

Drifting

emeraldloves — Sun, 13 Jul 2014 22:25:17 GMT

I had a dream
that when I woke up you will find me there
and I believe
that all the hours turned to minutes, it's not fair
when I turn to look at where you should've been, I started drifting
I tried to stare into your eyes and realize there was something missing
and if I stayed
I couldn't help but lie awake
cuz it's not you
it's just a dream it's only faith?
I just gotta leave
I gotta leave

Turn the key
I try I try to drive away into the night
try to keep
I try to keep between the lines and out of sight
when I look beside to where you shouldve been I stared drifting
I tried to stare into your eyes and realize ther was something missing
and if I stayed
I couldn't help but lie awake
cuz it's not you
it's just a dream it's only faith?
I just gotta leave
I gotta leaaaave

I gotta get out

still if I changed
everything would be same
I can't take no more
don't know what I'm fighting for
I just gotta leave
I gotta leave

I had a dream
and when I woke up you will find me there
when I woke up I will find you there

Nate Eiesland

Someone said I put too much stock in my opinions&feelings

emeraldloves — Sat, 12 Jul 2014 14:58:14 GMT

My opinions and feelings are all I have
They are the only things that truly belong to me
If I cannot defend them one day
then I will have nothing... nothing
else I have is mine
Not even my bare body
Someone else will claim
my hands eyes and lips and
even the heat of my breath
Not even my name
because it is a brand of my ancestors
a thought of those who birthed me
embossed upon my existence
But ah, my music
Can I call it mine?
Created by the fingers
the breath and the mindful ears
that I do not own
can I truly call it mine?
It has my feelings too

self worth

emeraldloves — Sat, 26 Apr 2014 05:31:17 GMT

Sometimes I wonder if I possess assets that can be preserved forever. Right now and maybe for the next few years I can rely on youth. When you are young, you radiate something. Your body is fresh; your skin is smooth and your hair glows. But youth fades quickly, especially if you are not happy. Especially if you are self destructive. What will be left? The scraps of optimism will likely have been devoured year after year. Pride and confidence will have worn itself. I may be left with greater sorrows and weight of life. How will I appear as a person in that time fading away from the field of view of the world as I have always been semi-invisible? What will I possess that would be of interest? Money? Hardly in my case. Intelligence? My mind may rust with the oxidation of time. Affinity? Maybe my edges will have rounded off.

I have always thought that I was never the protagonist of my own story. In any story. I don't have a distinguishable identity. I don't have principles or strong beliefs. I have a strong sense of morality and yet sometimes right and wrong are blurred. I don't have a concrete problem. I lack character development. There's the lack of any benevolent intervention. I live in a swamp. No one can see me. Nothing is pulling me out. I'm even fighting against myself to stay in it. Why? Because it feels safer to struggle in the dark rather than facing the foreign light. But I don't exactly avoid risks either. I try to pull anything that seems beautiful toward me no matter how much it can hurt me. But in due time these things are usually ejected from my reality. I am always in solitude. It's not that I don't have opportunities to escape it but I lock myself up in it. Because I'm always afraid.

The world becomes more foreign day by day and I fail to keep up with it like the way with conversations. To others, I always appear as cold glass, not to be approached. But I don't know how to appear warm. I can give myself but I can't present myself. I'm always afraid.

ゆめ とせつぼう

Adulthood

Winter

Insomnia

Motherland(?)

Natural selection of love

Womb

Attractiveness

We are the original

Vltava (Die Moldau), Má vlast - Smetana

Another fresh start (and baking)

Summer experiences

A little growing bud

Just a tad behind

Sibling Love

Merry Christmas & Happy Selfish Thoughts

New Stage in Life

helpful reminders

long time no see

one liners

Dark Side

Your Soul

Yum Yum

Drifting

Someone said I put too much stock in my opinions&feelings

self worth

ゆめとせつぼう