diatom

My lover jnala died last Thursday evening, very unexpectedly.

I miss him something awful.

I'm mostly posting about it on FB. I'm Bex Clark there.

Peace, y'all.

Hi. I'm sitting with feeling a bit low, lately, and missing what it would be like, to keep in touch with that new friend.

One of the books I shared with that friend was How to Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's a compilation of Hanh's essays. Some are real zingers.

There's also one called Love Meditation, that's been staying with me, lately. It's also called Metta Meditation. It goes like this:

May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.
May I be safe and free from injury.
May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety.

May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love.
May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself.
May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion in myself.
May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day.
May I ve able to live fresh, solid, and free.
May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not be indifferent.

The idea is to say this meditation first for yourself. You can't help others until you're well.

Then, you say it for someone you like. Then someone you feel neutral about. then someone you love, and finally on "someone the mere thought of whom causes you suffering". :D

That maybe after this, you may feel some compassion for such a person. <3

A big one. But, I like it. :) xoxo

In other news: I think I'm having a diverticulitis attack. Will go in to doctor tomorrow morning!

Hi there.

I understand the idea of friends-locking one's posts. I am keeping a few public, in part because there are some people out there who are not lj friends, who I want to stay visible to.

I recently made a new friend, and wound up having a pretty amazing connection, however short it was. I'm sad when, days later, their partner seems to have insisted that they drop all contact with me. I was mad and frustrated, and very sad, to learn this.

Anyway. I shared my lj handle, just in case this new friend happens to drop by. They got my package (forgotten items, plus my letters) yesterday. It's possible they've already looked, and that's that, too late for me.

But, just in case: I am here. I remember. I am savoring the happy memories.

Yeah, people keep saying: move on, move on. I will get to a point where this doesn't have such a grip on me.

But: I exist. I am here. I persist in my memories, of your moles, your scars, of your Shrove Tuesday pancakes, of Animals as Leaders. I remember. I savor.

It smarts more because it was sudden, because you said at least we could be friends, and maintain a connection through social media. It smarts to have that taken away.

I guess: I realize that I want that connection. I want to still get to know you, to make jokes, share songs, exchange ideas. I get to want that, even if I cannot have it.

And, that the actions I take are my choice. I choose to make this post public. It is a beacon, saying: find me. If you are looking, I am here!

this semester, my comrade nursing students and I have two clinicals: psych, and OB. I'm enjoying both, and... doing the psych clinical has me wondering, like today, if perhaps I like it because I have an underdiagnosed psych issue.

My room is still a mess. i thought that starting to date a charming tidy Englishman would help keep me from having a mess of a room... but I still have a mess!

I am contemplating dumping a pile of clean clothes, mostly jackets and random things I've worn once, or shirts that need mending or that I'm hoping to iron new fronts onto... yet, it all piles up in a heap.

Today, especially, I wind up thinking perhaps I am having some depression... or, is this the average thing, to feel down at the mouth about so many different things? Sigh....

Hi. I woke up this morning and wound up scrolling through Goodreads. I realized I hadn't marked Doctor Sleep as a book I've read. I then felt compelled to review it. So, from 6am this morning:

Doctor Sleep woke me up. The only other Stephen King book I had read was The Shining, and I admit I'm not meant for horror. I read The Shining about five years ago as an adult, and I had to skip a page of text at one point, terrified by Danny running back from the shrubberies, just to be able to finish reading the book. My imagination can't usually handle that excitement. The Shining was worth the stress, though, and Doctor Sleep is worth it even more.

To observe the adult life of Danny Torrance: Oh! I wanted him to be a good person. To watch his conflicted life bleeding out pained me. Yet, the character that weaves through both these books, that I like the best, is the Shining itself: the supernatural ability to connect with other people. The Shining points to a capacity for community, whether that capacity is used for good or evil.

I loved this story very much. I read it as an audiobook, and would gladly read it on paper as well. For the audiobook, the author himself reads his prologue and epilogue, and mentions in the epilogue that the man who wrote The Shining and the man who wrote Doctor Sleep were very different people. King self-identifies that the author of The Shining was "a well-meaning alcoholic". I found that illuminating. It makes me love Stephen King a bit more, to show his audience that much of himself.

I would recommend this for anyone who has chased their own demons at some point, and likewise for anyone who claims the word survivor. I recommend it for everyone, as a story of hope, and of creating family, calling it out of the ether. My heart sings for Doctor Sleep!

hey. this co-worker just happened to mention something about his kids' "biologicals"...their biological parents.

and I asked, and he told me the story of how he adopted two kids. and my heart just... kind of broke, definitely swelled up and got tender. this guy is so amazing. hearing his story, about him noticing this 5-year-old girl playing on the sidewalk of the Mission, near where he was giving a workshop about avoiding gangs... and she winds up being the daughter of one of the men attending the workshop, and my co-worker starts basically babysitting her, getting her food, making sure she had food at home...meeting her 9-year-old brother...

after my co-worker adopted these kids, with the blessing of their bio dad who sobbed how he couldn't take care of them anymore... my co-worker's parents never accepted those kids. more heartbreak.

the best part of this story, though, is my co-worker answering his nephew, who was asking why my co-worker cared about these kids, when they never "do" anything for him. My co-worker said, I don't need them to "do" something for me. I'm good. I care about them because I love them. That's it.

He's even told them that his dying wish is that they find someone else who they're not related to, and to do the same thing for that person.

*five kinds of heartache* wow. that seems pretty beautiful, to me.

Hey. I was reading this post from tikva, about family. It got me all tearful, and it's taken a while to parse exactly why.

Not sure I actually know, but: I do believe in having a homespace that is "safe", and I mean a glorious sort of safe, not one that stifles a person. I want a homelife where I trust the people in my inner circle, and don't have to worry about watching my back.

I decided to write this today because, I've gone through a lot in the past 1.5 years, around trust, around openness. Heck, I had someone close to me just walk out of my life, because, I think, I really wanted to be out and open about who I am, and what I am going through... and he couldn't handle the fallout from that.

Well, lately I've been thinking about my own inner circle, and my own homelife. I live with housemates who don't know everything about me. I am realizing that I have developed several circles of affinity, concentric circles, radiating outwards from me.

It is really hard to hold those multiple circles in one's mind or heart, to know that it will likely hurt me if I share with someone who doesn't belong in my inner circle, someone who won't hold my confidence.

Anyway. I'm making this post public. I do still want that safe, that excellent homelife, and that inner circle. I will find a way to navigate through the insensitive people, the asshats, and those who are just too damaged for me to spend energy on. I aim to make a happy home, and to also let the people and situations that don't serve me...well, to let them go, cut them free.

Identifying who I'm working with really helps me in that.

Slightly meta, but: I feel blessed, overall. And, I am glad to think of making my present world more me-compatible. *grin* <3

My friends-locked posts will continue to talk about my life's journey. Having this post here reminds me that it is OK to have several circles of openness. It's OK to keep some outsiders at arm's length. *bounce*

I just went to TJs to get baking ingredients, and: it's Officially Fall, as marked by the appearance of Pumpkin Pie Spice and canned pumpkin at TJs. We also had an early first rain today, which for the Bay Area is much needed and cheered on!

I am going to make Paleo-style cheddar cheese biscuits, and possibly mini pumpkin pie tarts...maybe even with whipped cream! All in prep for the wondrous event tonight: Stanford Quads' Challenging Plus Hoedown!

All the things I love: baking, square dance, and fall, together in one place, with many of my dance friends.

It's really the best! *excessive enthusiasm here*

Meanwhile, watching through season 2 of "Charmed", a light-hearted series about 3 sisters who are witches discovering their powers to Do Good. Also hit just past the halfway park of HP: Methods of Rationality. I really liked the Harry v. Dementor scene!...just when I start getting annoyed with him, he does something to win back my regard!

Anyway. *bounce* Yay, root vegetables!

Hi. This is a happy post. My SO, my sweetheart, my beloved is traveling on business to Germany tonight, after some days in London. I am kind of tickled, because, while it's been rough having less contact with him than usual, really, I've been getting to talk with him regularly, and IM, and sometimes text.

And, there are voice memo emails.

Bounce. It all feels very sweet. And, in the thick of all my various troubles and complaints, he's there, talking through the weirdness of navigating a lost friend, through difficult conversations with M and others. I might not get a bizarre tchotchke representing the Royal Baby, but that is OK, and I can find I think whatever I'm interested in online, really.

Basically, just pointing out I love this excellent person.

And, I'm glad he is patient with me, as I try to figure out why the word "boyfriend" kind of makes me twitch. In the end, he is completely my boyfriend. I've contemplating calling myself HIS boyfriend, because that would feel less... hm. I guess less Standard Issue.

But, of all the people I've dated, I think he's one of the men that most deserve excellent titles. He's a very good boyfriend for me. *grin*

xox, sweetie!