geometric organisms

Death

diatom — Wed, 26 Jul 2023 17:10:43 GMT

My lover jnala died last Thursday evening, very unexpectedly.

I miss him something awful.

I'm mostly posting about it on FB. I'm Bex Clark there.

Peace, y'all.

Zen Buddhists, Love, and Other Things

diatom — Thu, 22 Sep 2016 06:50:44 GMT

Hi. I'm sitting with feeling a bit low, lately, and missing what it would be like, to keep in touch with that new friend.

One of the books I shared with that friend was How to Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh. It's a compilation of Hanh's essays. Some are real zingers.

There's also one called Love Meditation, that's been staying with me, lately. It's also called Metta Meditation. It goes like this:

May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.
May I be safe and free from injury.
May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety.

May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding and love.
May I be able to recognize and touch the seeds of joy and happiness in myself.
May I learn to identify and see the sources of anger, craving, and delusion in myself.
May I know how to nourish the seeds of joy in myself every day.
May I ve able to live fresh, solid, and free.
May I be free from attachment and aversion, but not be indifferent.

The idea is to say this meditation first for yourself. You can't help others until you're well.

Then, you say it for someone you like. Then someone you feel neutral about. then someone you love, and finally on "someone the mere thought of whom causes you suffering". :D

That maybe after this, you may feel some compassion for such a person. <3

A big one. But, I like it. :) xoxo

In other news: I think I'm having a diverticulitis attack. Will go in to doctor tomorrow morning!

Hello! Public Post

diatom — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 16:40:20 GMT

Hi there.

I understand the idea of friends-locking one's posts. I am keeping a few public, in part because there are some people out there who are not lj friends, who I want to stay visible to.

I recently made a new friend, and wound up having a pretty amazing connection, however short it was. I'm sad when, days later, their partner seems to have insisted that they drop all contact with me. I was mad and frustrated, and very sad, to learn this.

Anyway. I shared my lj handle, just in case this new friend happens to drop by. They got my package (forgotten items, plus my letters) yesterday. It's possible they've already looked, and that's that, too late for me.

But, just in case: I am here. I remember. I am savoring the happy memories.

Yeah, people keep saying: move on, move on. I will get to a point where this doesn't have such a grip on me.

But: I exist. I am here. I persist in my memories, of your moles, your scars, of your Shrove Tuesday pancakes, of Animals as Leaders. I remember. I savor.

It smarts more because it was sudden, because you said at least we could be friends, and maintain a connection through social media. It smarts to have that taken away.

I guess: I realize that I want that connection. I want to still get to know you, to make jokes, share songs, exchange ideas. I get to want that, even if I cannot have it.

And, that the actions I take are my choice. I choose to make this post public. It is a beacon, saying: find me. If you are looking, I am here!

psych clinical!

diatom — Wed, 18 Feb 2015 01:50:02 GMT

this semester, my comrade nursing students and I have two clinicals: psych, and OB. I'm enjoying both, and... doing the psych clinical has me wondering, like today, if perhaps I like it because I have an underdiagnosed psych issue.

My room is still a mess. i thought that starting to date a charming tidy Englishman would help keep me from having a mess of a room... but I still have a mess!

I am contemplating dumping a pile of clean clothes, mostly jackets and random things I've worn once, or shirts that need mending or that I'm hoping to iron new fronts onto... yet, it all piles up in a heap.

Today, especially, I wind up thinking perhaps I am having some depression... or, is this the average thing, to feel down at the mouth about so many different things? Sigh....

Doctor Sleep

diatom — Tue, 05 Aug 2014 16:07:04 GMT

Hi. I woke up this morning and wound up scrolling through Goodreads. I realized I hadn't marked Doctor Sleep as a book I've read. I then felt compelled to review it. So, from 6am this morning:

Doctor Sleep woke me up. The only other Stephen King book I had read was The Shining, and I admit I'm not meant for horror. I read The Shining about five years ago as an adult, and I had to skip a page of text at one point, terrified by Danny running back from the shrubberies, just to be able to finish reading the book. My imagination can't usually handle that excitement. The Shining was worth the stress, though, and Doctor Sleep is worth it even more.

To observe the adult life of Danny Torrance: Oh! I wanted him to be a good person. To watch his conflicted life bleeding out pained me. Yet, the character that weaves through both these books, that I like the best, is the Shining itself: the supernatural ability to connect with other people. The Shining points to a capacity for community, whether that capacity is used for good or evil.

I loved this story very much. I read it as an audiobook, and would gladly read it on paper as well. For the audiobook, the author himself reads his prologue and epilogue, and mentions in the epilogue that the man who wrote The Shining and the man who wrote Doctor Sleep were very different people. King self-identifies that the author of The Shining was "a well-meaning alcoholic". I found that illuminating. It makes me love Stephen King a bit more, to show his audience that much of himself.

I would recommend this for anyone who has chased their own demons at some point, and likewise for anyone who claims the word survivor. I recommend it for everyone, as a story of hope, and of creating family, calling it out of the ether. My heart sings for Doctor Sleep!

adoption

diatom — Fri, 13 Jun 2014 22:56:46 GMT

hey. this co-worker just happened to mention something about his kids' "biologicals"...their biological parents.

and I asked, and he told me the story of how he adopted two kids. and my heart just... kind of broke, definitely swelled up and got tender. this guy is so amazing. hearing his story, about him noticing this 5-year-old girl playing on the sidewalk of the Mission, near where he was giving a workshop about avoiding gangs... and she winds up being the daughter of one of the men attending the workshop, and my co-worker starts basically babysitting her, getting her food, making sure she had food at home...meeting her 9-year-old brother...

after my co-worker adopted these kids, with the blessing of their bio dad who sobbed how he couldn't take care of them anymore... my co-worker's parents never accepted those kids. more heartbreak.

the best part of this story, though, is my co-worker answering his nephew, who was asking why my co-worker cared about these kids, when they never "do" anything for him. My co-worker said, I don't need them to "do" something for me. I'm good. I care about them because I love them. That's it.

He's even told them that his dying wish is that they find someone else who they're not related to, and to do the same thing for that person.

*five kinds of heartache* wow. that seems pretty beautiful, to me.

Geeking out

diatom — Thu, 07 Nov 2013 16:12:01 GMT

Tuesday night I played this game called Artemis. It's a real-time simulation of being on a Starship Enterprise sort of bridge. Each position is informed by a networked computer, except the helm, who orders ppl around.

It was SO much fun!

Our team was pretty good. I started off on Communications, then moved to weapons.

I was the only woman there out of about 12 people. It was held in a video game MUSEUM in downtown Oakland.

Wow! So, yeah. Pretty amicable guys on my team: one lent me a netbook with the game's manual on it, so I could peruse my station's duties. The best captain would stand up while helming, which seemed right, and also helped me see him. 6 people on our team.

We destroyed the other team's ship at some point, because we could!

Grin. I kept gushing about it after. Near the end, I pointed out a Hunt for Red October version would be way fun. I guess there are more Star Trek fans than Sean Connery / Russian sub warfare fans out there. Still!

Best games night in a long time!

To explain more later

diatom — Wed, 06 Nov 2013 21:45:42 GMT

Hey. I was reading this post from tikva, about family. It got me all tearful, and it's taken a while to parse exactly why.

Not sure I actually know, but: I do believe in having a homespace that is "safe", and I mean a glorious sort of safe, not one that stifles a person. I want a homelife where I trust the people in my inner circle, and don't have to worry about watching my back.

I decided to write this today because, I've gone through a lot in the past 1.5 years, around trust, around openness. Heck, I had someone close to me just walk out of my life, because, I think, I really wanted to be out and open about who I am, and what I am going through... and he couldn't handle the fallout from that.

Well, lately I've been thinking about my own inner circle, and my own homelife. I live with housemates who don't know everything about me. I am realizing that I have developed several circles of affinity, concentric circles, radiating outwards from me.

It is really hard to hold those multiple circles in one's mind or heart, to know that it will likely hurt me if I share with someone who doesn't belong in my inner circle, someone who won't hold my confidence.

Anyway. I'm making this post public. I do still want that safe, that excellent homelife, and that inner circle. I will find a way to navigate through the insensitive people, the asshats, and those who are just too damaged for me to spend energy on. I aim to make a happy home, and to also let the people and situations that don't serve me...well, to let them go, cut them free.

Identifying who I'm working with really helps me in that.

Slightly meta, but: I feel blessed, overall. And, I am glad to think of making my present world more me-compatible. *grin* <3

My friends-locked posts will continue to talk about my life's journey. Having this post here reminds me that it is OK to have several circles of openness. It's OK to keep some outsiders at arm's length. *bounce*

It's Fall Equinox!

diatom — Sat, 21 Sep 2013 19:43:08 GMT

I just went to TJs to get baking ingredients, and: it's Officially Fall, as marked by the appearance of Pumpkin Pie Spice and canned pumpkin at TJs. We also had an early first rain today, which for the Bay Area is much needed and cheered on!

I am going to make Paleo-style cheddar cheese biscuits, and possibly mini pumpkin pie tarts...maybe even with whipped cream! All in prep for the wondrous event tonight: Stanford Quads' Challenging Plus Hoedown!

All the things I love: baking, square dance, and fall, together in one place, with many of my dance friends.

It's really the best! *excessive enthusiasm here*

Meanwhile, watching through season 2 of "Charmed", a light-hearted series about 3 sisters who are witches discovering their powers to Do Good. Also hit just past the halfway park of HP: Methods of Rationality. I really liked the Harry v. Dementor scene!...just when I start getting annoyed with him, he does something to win back my regard!

Anyway. *bounce* Yay, root vegetables!

Bounce

diatom — Sat, 27 Jul 2013 06:28:32 GMT

Hi. This is a happy post. My SO, my sweetheart, my beloved is traveling on business to Germany tonight, after some days in London. I am kind of tickled, because, while it's been rough having less contact with him than usual, really, I've been getting to talk with him regularly, and IM, and sometimes text.

And, there are voice memo emails.

Bounce. It all feels very sweet. And, in the thick of all my various troubles and complaints, he's there, talking through the weirdness of navigating a lost friend, through difficult conversations with M and others. I might not get a bizarre tchotchke representing the Royal Baby, but that is OK, and I can find I think whatever I'm interested in online, really.

Basically, just pointing out I love this excellent person.

And, I'm glad he is patient with me, as I try to figure out why the word "boyfriend" kind of makes me twitch. In the end, he is completely my boyfriend. I've contemplating calling myself HIS boyfriend, because that would feel less... hm. I guess less Standard Issue.

But, of all the people I've dated, I think he's one of the men that most deserve excellent titles. He's a very good boyfriend for me. *grin*

xox, sweetie!

[fwd:] Seeking two housemates for September

diatom — Wed, 24 Jul 2013 23:32:20 GMT

This is a request from my dear friend ratatosk, may he find the perfect people! If any of you all know any applicable peoples, do let me or ratty know...

Originally posted by ratatosk at Seeking two housemates for September

It turns out that I am looking for two housemates come September (there is some flexibility about dates). I would like help finding people! Here's an unlocked post you can link to! I have a much more detailed version in email that I can send to anyone who's interested.

I'll post separately to Facebook -- please don't link my LJ to Facebook or vice versa. This is the LJ version, so I'm not going to bother saying much about myself, since nothing I could write would be as useful as actually stalking me via my public posts.

2 rooms in a 3-bedroom apt., $950 / person, available September with some flexibility for moving stuff in ahead of time. October move-in potentially also viable. Five-minute walk from Davis Sq. Lots of space, lots of light, mostly quiet street.

Living and dining room, den-like room that a current tenant is paying to use as a study (this means we can temporarily have four people while everyone is coming and going; paying half the total to also have this room is an option). Hardwood floors. 1 1/2 bathrooms. Laundry in unit, portable dishwasher might be replaced by built-in one if kitchen gets renovated as promised by landlord. Landlord has been on a spree of being responsible and fixing things lately; hopefully this will keep up. This is a house built in 1910, though, and some things haven't been changed since.

Small front deck with access through den, larger back deck. I own a grill.

Both available rooms are in the 14' x 14' range, have okay closets (one is very big), and eaves access. During epic rains the basement gets epically flooded, so storing things down there is not advised.

Gets hot in summer, cold in winter. Steam heat with gas boiler. Electric system can handle ACs, but only with extreme care and creative use of extension cords to distribute load without blowing fuses. Gas plus electric has averaged $100 / person / month, but with enormous seasonal variance.

I like animals but am not sure yet how I feel about pets moving in. Landlord officially allows one cat. Current cat in residence belongs to an outgoing tenant; apartment can presumably be de-allergened. I have a lot of houseplants, some of which are toxic if eaten, so if pets do move in they would need to be able to tell food from non-food.

No smokers. I have food allergies and am not used to having a diet that overlaps with my housemates', so I would not expect to share food, and I might ask you to open the windows if you eat certain things. I don't drink; I expect roommates not to clog the fridge with bottles or make the apartment smell like bad alcohol, but I have no moral objections to it. I'm not very noisy, mostly.

The closest thing this apartment currently has to a widely-used name is probably "The Vale of Angry Squirrels". I don't know if that tells you anything or not. Sometimes there are actual angry squirrels in the tree next to the house, though. They look in the kitchen window at me while going "Chrrrr!", and I squirt them with a spray bottle. I think they secretly like it.

Here is a picture I took of an angry squirrel:

Forgiveness

diatom — Tue, 09 Jul 2013 22:35:02 GMT

*thinking* This person I've mentioned before has left me,

and ...damn, I seem to, upon reflection, forgive him.

My doc friend and I talked today. She'd met this person. She opened my eyes some, which kind of hurt.

This person showed up in a way he wasn't obligated to, in a way that many people wouldn't dare to. I give him credit for that.

I am grateful for him being there when I needed someone, a precise someone. I can cut him some slack for bailing, as well. I asked for a big thing, and for almost a year, he came through for me.

That's pretty remarkable!

About that rash

diatom — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 12:24:11 GMT

So, the doc seems pretty sure it's an allergic dermatitis rash. He pointed out that since I get rashes, eczema, hives, it's all related and I'm prone to it in one form or another for life.

The question is: what started it?
It actually started on my right hand, radiating up from thumb to elbow, spread to my left, esp the spot between my middle and ring finger, and then separately has developed on the tops of my feet (quite possibly a separate case of wearing new unwashed socks) and the underarm / breast area, including the torso under my breasts!

I just considered having gone to square dance on Friday night, for a mini-party. Would be funny if that contributed.

Sunday I danced twice, before and after urgent care. Monday I wore the same two white shirts (and bra?) I'd worn last Thursday, when I flew back from lovely Boston to SFO. Tuesday I woke up w the big ass arm and belly rash!

Gonna try for more sleep. My main suspects are allergens on a plane, perfume oil from Boston (applied Thursday), a tree a brushed against somewhere in the urban wiles, or a sudden allergy to my own detergent or soap, upon return!

Detective work, commence!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Itchy rashes!

diatom — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 11:48:22 GMT

I'm having an intense rash, that is spreading over my body, claiming new territory.

It might be related to some perfume oil I put on my last day in Boston. Or. Might have been a tree I brushed past. Or something from the airport.

I feel so warm, sweaty.

I think my rash is representing something bigger. Allergy to returning home after a special week?

All I know is, I put my cream down, can't find it, and damn I itch.

Mother of god I itch!

(And yeah, saw a doc at kaiser urgent care Sunday, and then yesterday I woke up with it spread like wildfire to my underarm and breast (mostly on the R side).)

*today I'm to start a course of prednisone, plus an unrelated medicine. Fun times!*

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

diatom — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 00:57:32 GMT

Returned my sax. Ok, that sax is symbolic of a lot. I got it near the end of my time w P, the sweetheart from last year who blew my mind with their love and non-specific pronoun use... I got into learning sax coz of them... Even took it in my backpack to the Honk! Festival in Somerville last October, even if I barely played it.

Returning my rental sax feels like the end of a short era of activist idealism. I do not have time to join the Brass liberation Orchestra, oakland's political street marching band. Not sure I would want to? It seems cool, but I have been nerding out on squares much more!

I was interested in the Vibratosax A1S polycarbonate sax they had on a stand, though! My first time seeing it in person! On discount if I buy with cash, like a hundred less than the online price!

Grin. Maybe this could be a reward for myself, if I do well with my summer cleaning! The advantage of polycarbonate sax is: the keys are stoppered w silicone, self-sealing. This means waaaaay less / possibly no repair costs!

*bounce*

Today I am having menstrual cramps, too. Blech! Listened to the entire stage production of Buffy's once more w feeling the musical, and found myself strongly identifying with all the relationship / romance / woo in Tara's love song. *grin!!!*

*affections*

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Travel!

diatom — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 00:22:11 GMT

I just got back 11pm Thursday from 9 days in the Boston area with my sweet ball of fire love, hartmans. Coming to terms with the funny fact that "girlfriend" makes me feel funny. Sorting that one out!

It was such a good trip and time together. And now I'm playing catch-up at work, big time, and facing my world that he hasn't seen, and wanting to spruce it all up. I guess I'm getting new perspective.

Sleeping weird.

Right now I'm headed to downtownOakland, to return this saxophone I've been renting for about a year now. !! I don't have time to spend on it. Maybe I'll buy a polycarbonate one in the future.. But not now.

Also facing the fact that I love square dancing, and have lately just ditched Scottish dance overall! Dancing w Tech Squares was especially awesome, at MIT... Like having another lover.

That's the big stuff. I have some health stuff going on.

Been meaning to come out of the closet about that, more, but basically, having some challenges, and plunging into things to support my health.

Also, damn I am tired.

On the plus side? I feel a strong incentive to look at my life, my environment, and evaluate what does and does not serve me. Spring cleaning is upon me. And, inner sense of taking stock and looking at life w new perspective really seems healthy for me.

Yay!

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SFO!

diatom — Wed, 22 May 2013 05:32:34 GMT

I'm at SFO pretty early! For a 12:20a flight. I usually love wandering along and watching art exhibits at SFO.

I wish there were a guide listing what art was where, so I could take a tour!

Hm! Bummer.

Wait! At the info desk! A touchscreen list of what to do... Including art at sfo!!

Board games of the past 100 years!!

I also saw on the monorail my first person wearing google glass. I was gonna call it google eyeball thing. ... I couldn't look at him directly... It was kind of embarrassing or something.

Going to see my boo, as the parlance goes.

Kinda giddy!
... Ok, 20 minutes later and no board games exhibit. Bummer!

Through security, complete w complimentary safer sex massage through my clothes: ooh!

I will go visit the Yoga Room. Coz I gotta! *hug lj*

See ya soon, sweetness!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

diatom — Sat, 04 May 2013 22:00:05 GMT

On the train to Sacramento.

There is a C & H sugar cane factory. It has a big sign that glows neon at night: "C & H".

The buildings of this factory are brick. Old brick. The kind that seems like little teeth, laid out one by one, mortared in place. Very precise, from when this was an expected masonry skill.

There is a large building, with many-paned windows. About 9 panes, or 12, per window frame, surrounded by tiny dark red bricks.

This feels a bit ominous to look at, like a haunted schoolhouse, or a graveyard for injured workers. I'm looking in, wondering how many looked out wistfully.

Today the physical world feels too real.

My train passes by this old factory. I'm guessing it is still in use. The bricks seem taken for granted, sitting there in perfect formation. No applause... No cheering to pass them by. They were built, they exist, and when they get old enough or if someone crashes a car into them, they will crumble, and be razed.

It seems like they should get recognition, credit!, for making it this long....

Now I pass a somber train bridge. Red w a bit of rust. It does its job, silent.

Thank you, train bridge.

Thank you, sugar factory building.

Today, I see you.

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Tired

diatom — Sat, 04 May 2013 07:49:06 GMT

Big stuff happening.

My dad is having heart troubles realized and fixed! Yay!

I am in a wondrous and hefty spiritual whirlwind. I'm taking the time to assess my life and pare away that which does not serve me, or which I can't give 100% to!

Looking forward to snuggles Saturday evening - and David Sedaris!

Read Mary Oliver's The Journey into hartmans's VM this morning, as he's at pagan camp...and again tonight as a voice memo to myself... Really catches in my heart and throat!

Night, LJ. Sweet dreams...

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Canada is Really Big (and has less access than I thought it would, to abortion care!)

diatom — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 19:48:21 GMT

(I wrote this I think at the end of last week. Here it is!)

Canada apparently has some crap access to abortion care, especially in the maritime provinces. This is SO MADDENING HULK MAD HULK SMASH HULK MAKE WEBSITE advocating increased access in a rational manner.

I lately get the feeling that I'm called to do this work on a deep level. How that manifests is a separate thing.

So, I started looking up abortion access in Nova Scotia, and...yeah, they have some backwards-ass blocks to access in place.

But! I found the new web-based version of Women on Waves, the group that got a clinic running on a boat, that can be stationed in international waters, so that women from Ireland, Italy, or Portugal (where abortion is illegal) can get on the boat, and get a medication abortion, like that!

https://www.womenonweb.org/ is the website. i am going to make a public post to this effect, and realize I think I need to just increase the visibility of this info. NS is apparently notorious for not having data available on where women can access abortion care. A Torontonian co-worker was affronted that I declared access blocks in Canada to be so backward....

I could rant for miles on this, but instead will encourage you to look at the above link, and this, a list by province of AB access in Canada: http://www.canadiansforchoice.ca/Access%20at%20a%20Glance%20-%20Abortion%20Services%20in%20Canada.pdf

Heart assplode

diatom — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:55:40 GMT

So, yesterday I was walking to work, and had this dawning realization. The middle-aged dancer friend, M, is so open with me. I thought he was flirting at first, but he seems really into emotional intimacy and heartfelt discussion. He texts me! Which feels so intimate. He emails almost daily, pithy ones.

And I realized on the walk to work: he accepts me just as I am. He LIKES me as a bouncy outspoken person. He likes talking with me.

And, I realized, bursting into tears, that all these other guys in my life are either too cool for school, or maybe too afraid, to be so present as M. I mean, I could fall in love with them and then what? I am a dangerous archetype, talking about my feelings, and FEELing my feelings, so much.

I wonder if M feels safer with being so open with me, because he's married to an amazing woman.

I wrote him a long email yesterday, and he seemed to really appreciate it. He pointed out that when he was younger, he had sex as a fast-track to emotional intimacy. Omg!

So, yeah.

Ive started writing the guys I'm actually dating or talking to, to tell them my realization. Yesterday I was a ball of emo, and cancelled my evening dance plans to have a quiet night at home. (I even downloaded my first torrented show in years, Plebs. It's enjoyable, if raunchy, some.)

I guess I'm officially one of those people with my heart on my sleeve. And, I'm re-evaluating those pie slices in my relationships. M said he aims for poly pie slices, without the sexual component.

I feel like I'm on the edge of an awakening, another one... But I just have to figure out my resolution. Do I give up sex with people who don't seem emotionally evolved? Do I get my emotional community elsewhere from the rest? Do I start dating older men exclusively? :p

On that tack, I'm meeting an old fling Wednesday, to talk / have dinner in public. After yesterday... Not sure what I want out of that interaction. The talk is to see if we want to "reconnect". Hell if I know what I want. This guy and I have had mega-sexual chemistry, at least in the past... Blah.

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Weekend recap

diatom — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:25:46 GMT

Oh yeah. I guess I could recount my weekend! Friday I BARTed to SF, to meet Dan and the dog he's dogsitting. He introduced me to Plebs, a fun new British show about the life of lowly Roman working-class, if they all had British accents...

Dan is a curious case. He's cute, and we slept together once, and I vowed Never Again, once I realized he's a bad match for me, and maybe he's a bit of a dead-fish in bed.

He is charming and smart. We slept together in a spooning / platonic way, and I made sure it stayed so. I like spending time with him, but it seems bad to dabble in kissing or anything else, because that'd be like using someone as a pacifier. The dogsit was in Hayes Valley, which has nice things, including a bra shop for big boobs that like to wear sexy supportive and elegant bras! I need to get more! Alla Prima is the store, really remarkable. Apparently Europeans revel in their breasts, instead of relegating breasted women to granny bras and minimizers!!

Saturday I woke up (Dan had moved to the couch in the night. It was a twin bed, and not v comfy for anyone not sharing genitals :p) I had Skype with Ro, my longlost now-v-pregnant buddy from Miami, and I was supportive and curious about this and that, but thought after it's hard to say anything to a preg friend without it sounding like a judgment... So, I'll email to clarify that I support her in all her choices, which I really do!

Then walking briskly to Civic Center BART to get to acupuncture only 26 minutes late! But I emailed on my way and it was ok.

Then sushi with kabocha_no_ou, whose birthday was the following day but my schedule sucks. We had Sapporo and yummy sushi. Sushi is way more appealing than stirfry shiitake mushroom special, which I thought I wanted, but nope.

We took the bus back to my place, ate ice cream sandwiches, and I wished him well with year 34, while I took a nap / lolled around until 7:30p, when I niftily caught the bus to the Queer Contra anniversary dance. Some asshats grabbed my wrist, so yesterday my wrists were aching and sore. Grr!

Late Saturday my new mom friend called in a favor for me to help out Sunday morning. I had told her i wanted to help this weekeknd! My angel housemate let me borrow her car in exchange for gas put in the car. I spent the morning with a baby and discussing life with my mom friend, then zooming home, to meet a dance friend for a ride to the remote locale of Sunday's tea dance. Person A didn't show, so I called person B, and walked a good mile? Over a half mile, to meet them!

Then party, then quads class. Then drive home. In each segment, had awesome conversation with a different dancer friend.

Whew.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Coming out

diatom — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 15:15:17 GMT

Yesterday was a monster day. I had several huge conversations with new friends, including the wife of my dance buddy, with whom I had about 5 conversation threads going at once, none wrapped up! (Yet!)

With the dance buddy, we had a long-awaited chat about the significance of being bi and out. Felt healthy, and I remembered the importance of that for myself, and the weight of being bi while in a mixed-gender relationship. And, I came out as poly, and he said he knew, that I'd dropped hints.

That's the part that got me choked up. I was very grateful that he got my previous hints. I think he seeks out diversity in his "intimate friends", but avoids the sexual component. Somehow... Him "getting" my poly, and maybe explaining his own unorthodox ways, meant a lot to me.

I think part of it was the feeling of coming out to people on a regular basis. ... Feels like I'm always coming out about something. Talking about Keith the atheist and his evangelical / fundamentalist ways still gets me teary, even this instant on BART, writing this!

Sigh. Anyway. More deep talks on the ride home with a third person/dancer friend. I told him about the excellent passport office at UC Berkeley, and he mentioned his daughter with severe mental disability, needing a better travel ID than whatever she's got.

And, we decided that D, our mutual friend who did me a mitzvah by teaching me squares so fast, might appreciate being gifted with his own Fastrack box. I thought I was gonna undertake being a Miss Manners for him. But, my driving friend pointed out the best thing is an actual gift from me to him, because no one gives this guy gifts! (He's said he never uses his car, but!... He has a phobia of handling money. I think this might be a good fit!)

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diatom — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 00:36:23 GMT

At laundromat. Realizing I probably should cutdown on the shirts I wear that have to airdry after being washed. Shirts and knee-high socks have become 1/3-1/2 of my laundry.

Just now some woman and her partner touched my robot sock. Turns out she has the same kind.

They seemed nice. Seeing other people choosing the same things as me reminds me I'm not alone. I think of how people match up or don't.

I am still wondering why I'm on this planet, what my life purpose is... But I'm getting some inklings of an idea.

I made a tumblr (aka wtf how does this work and whyyyyyyy) of abortion resources in the US, Canada and elsewise. This was really satisfying. Seeing my posts reblogged was even more satisfying.

I'll tinker with it more when I get home... And work on collating my poetry.

Today I walked to my acu appt trying out a British accent, mostly Received Pronunciation.

I think any Brit would cringe, but maybe it's not that bad. I have picked up vocab words, but it's funny saying them in US dialect, sometimes. Shrug.

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Poem, about Bad People / Choices

diatom — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 21:36:01 GMT

Well, here's that poem. Some of you have read it already, when I wrote it at the time. I even changed the names and wrote a version on fb, I think. Written end of May 2012, the day Gloria broke off our friendship (we'd known each other 15? years) because she didn't like me calling her out on being verbally, and psychologically abusive to her girlfriend's son.

A friend said after reading that it's full of a lot of love. :\

-----------

Horrible Gloria and the Quivering Boy

We are what we choose to be.

Without speaking our love
we wither,
we shrink,
we resent others for not being withered.
We forget how to make love bloom,
and cut down others' new shoots.

I promise I won't forget.

I love you.

I love you, and I love them, and her, and him, and him.

Why say this now?
An old friend has a new hobby:
she takes sport in wielding her words like knives,
wounding her partner's son, again,
cutting him down, bullying, baring teeth,
hurt that he chooses to try playing Monopoly on his own,
instead of joining her Dark Side.
The boy defies the Emperor!
Gloria aims to crush him,
grins to see him stumble when she mentally trips him for his cheek.

She may even cackle once or twice.

The boy is eight years old.

Seeing this, finally my conscience wells up
NO.
And my words rise,
and tumble out,
awkward but plain as day,

and Gloria did not like it,
not one little bit.

But after, sitting alone with the quivering boy,
who turned sideways to hide tears he wiped away,

I told him I love him,
and that he is Good.
And he is Brave.

And I hugged him.

And I told him that he deserves happiness, and fun.

And later, a hopeful claim: that everyone in that house loved him,
but some people just aren't so good at showing it, or saying it.
Some people have it rough, and don't know how to love.

Some people are hurt bad.

Some people forget who they are.

After everything, the boy went to take a shower.
He asked his mom, quietly, if I could stay.

I'd become a stray, that he so wanted to adopt.
I would have joined his family in a minute, if that would fix it, instead of making it worse.

The Emperor was in the other room, grumbling and complaining.

The boy took a shower, and came out just as I was about to leave.

"Bye, Bex", he said, looking over at me.
His towel dropped. He didn't care about that.

Bye, Logan, I said, not caring about his towel either, but refraining from walking over and hugging his naked kid self just then.
We shared a look, and then I left, and went home.

I hope he remembers about love.

***

I tell you that I love you now because there's no time to wait.

I will not watch Horrible Glorias rip love to shreds anymore.

I would cover us all with love bandages, or have a Love Cat lick us clean, if that would heal all our wounds.

But, even if our scars have set, and it's too late for some of us,

I choose love, right now.