The scars encapsulating the heart, protecting it, each time getting thicker, more thorough, more significant. With each person, especially each man, it gets harder, or in theory it should, to get into my heart. In theory they should have to search the entire thing and find one of those tiny patches that hasn't torn and rehealed. The spaces have gotten smaller, fewer of them remaining. Will my heart harden all the way around and only the jerks be able to get through? And why do I think only jerks can get through scar tissue? I just ... I guess I assume nice guys, the good ones, aren't willing to dig through scar tissue like that, that they're willing to search for a while but dig through that rough thick skin like that... I guess I have no faith. I just keep praying that one will search long enough, before all the non-scarred tissue is no longer visible. There will always be some, but will it be big enough for them to see it? For them to squeeze through? And I wonder if the tissue is more pink or a different pattern from the girls who have hurt me, the friends who have fractured my heart from the inside, rather than just guys that I let hurt me or whom I hurt myself with. I bet they fracture and tear different. That if you look closely they are all different, if only insignificantly so, but I better there are similarities based on the methods it was torn, if I did it or if they did or if it was a mutual effort. If it was malicious or something that just couldn't work and it slowly and kindly tore, like a surgeon with a scalpel.
I wonder if there are any tattoo like scars. It's funny, I think scars are so pretty. I imagine my heart is actually quite beautiful with all its fracture patterns, all the directionalities of the tears and re healing. It's like a timeline, an anthropological dig. I wonder if one of the good ones searching for a way in will find it beautiful as well. Perhaps they will just melt into my heart instead of trying to dig in. Like melted butter, just soak in enriching it with its warmth and love. And perhaps I just beyond silly, more like retarded, lol.
I wonder if there are any tattoo like scars. It's funny, I think scars are so pretty. I imagine my heart is actually quite beautiful with all its fracture patterns, all the directionalities of the tears and re healing. It's like a timeline, an anthropological dig. I wonder if one of the good ones searching for a way in will find it beautiful as well. Perhaps they will just melt into my heart instead of trying to dig in. Like melted butter, just soak in enriching it with its warmth and love. And perhaps I just beyond silly, more like retarded, lol.
I am your insatiable thirst, your greatest desire.
How To Be Honest With A Man
By Christian Carter, author of best-selling eBook Catch Him & Keep Him and free newsletter
Can you really tell a man everything on your mind - even the not-so-pretty stuff? And can it bring you closer together? Yes... as long as you know these critical elements about how to communicate with him first.
Has a man ever told you of some plans he had to hang out with his friends, or travel somewhere by himself for whatever reason, and you pretended to be perfectly okay with it because you didn't want to seem "needy?"
But then later, when he came back... BAM!
All those hurt, angry feelings came out, he withdrew, and then there’s a wedge between the two of you. You might conclude that you can’t be honest with a man, when in reality a little tweaking in terms of timing and delivery can make all the difference...
STOP AVOIDING THE ISSUE AND START SPEAKING UP
Here's something you may not know about men, or even agree with, but it's true...
A man absolutely wants you to be honest and straightforward with him
This is what men like so much about the way they can communicate with each other. And, in fact, it drives them nuts when you aren't open and direct.
If they are planning something that you don't agree with, they want you to let them know at the start - as soon as possible - before it becomes a bigger issue or concern.
Here's the beauty of telling a man what you think early on: it allows you to communicate in a way that's less combative and negative than it would be if you were to have it fester in your mind for a while.
UNDERSTAND THE REAL REASON HE GETS UPSET WITH YOU
Men don't "automatically" get upset when you let them know how you feel about something. They get upset when they see that YOU are upset.
See, for most men, when a woman tells them something that isn't great about their relationship, men take it very personally. He'll instantly feel like you are blaming him - even though you might not be.
Why? Men like to think and believe that the woman they're with respects them and sees them as a great man. So when a woman shares something that isn't "perfect," a man will take it as you thinking that he is not good enough - and not just that something happened in your relationship that can easily be changed or improved in the future.
To stop this cycle of a man feeling criticized, or like he doesn't please you, you first need to find a "safe space" before you talk and share your feelings with him. Here's how to do it...
CREATE A SAFE SPACE FOR BOTH OF YOU TO OPEN UP
By "safe," I mean telling a man that what you think, feel ,and need will not jeopardize your connection, but instead make it stronger.
Here's your action plan: sit down with him today at some time when you're both settled and relaxed. Then tell him that you respect his feelings, and that you appreciate the way he respects yours. (If you don't believe this right now, simply the act of communicating these words will have a profoundly positive effect on him and actually help create more respect and appreciation - because you get what you give!)
Then explain that communicating as early as possible and allowing that safe space to tell each other how you really feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is crucial to your happiness - yours and his.
What you're doing here is essentially agreeing together to accept and allow for each other's real feelings - regardless of whether they happen to please the other person in that moment. This kind of real and authentic honesty is the first step, and the one and only path to a real, secure, and lasting relationship where both partners know that their feelings are heard and respected.
By Christian Carter, author of best-selling eBook Catch Him & Keep Him and free newsletter
Can you really tell a man everything on your mind - even the not-so-pretty stuff? And can it bring you closer together? Yes... as long as you know these critical elements about how to communicate with him first.
Has a man ever told you of some plans he had to hang out with his friends, or travel somewhere by himself for whatever reason, and you pretended to be perfectly okay with it because you didn't want to seem "needy?"
But then later, when he came back... BAM!
All those hurt, angry feelings came out, he withdrew, and then there’s a wedge between the two of you. You might conclude that you can’t be honest with a man, when in reality a little tweaking in terms of timing and delivery can make all the difference...
STOP AVOIDING THE ISSUE AND START SPEAKING UP
Here's something you may not know about men, or even agree with, but it's true...
A man absolutely wants you to be honest and straightforward with him
This is what men like so much about the way they can communicate with each other. And, in fact, it drives them nuts when you aren't open and direct.
If they are planning something that you don't agree with, they want you to let them know at the start - as soon as possible - before it becomes a bigger issue or concern.
Here's the beauty of telling a man what you think early on: it allows you to communicate in a way that's less combative and negative than it would be if you were to have it fester in your mind for a while.
UNDERSTAND THE REAL REASON HE GETS UPSET WITH YOU
Men don't "automatically" get upset when you let them know how you feel about something. They get upset when they see that YOU are upset.
See, for most men, when a woman tells them something that isn't great about their relationship, men take it very personally. He'll instantly feel like you are blaming him - even though you might not be.
Why? Men like to think and believe that the woman they're with respects them and sees them as a great man. So when a woman shares something that isn't "perfect," a man will take it as you thinking that he is not good enough - and not just that something happened in your relationship that can easily be changed or improved in the future.
To stop this cycle of a man feeling criticized, or like he doesn't please you, you first need to find a "safe space" before you talk and share your feelings with him. Here's how to do it...
CREATE A SAFE SPACE FOR BOTH OF YOU TO OPEN UP
By "safe," I mean telling a man that what you think, feel ,and need will not jeopardize your connection, but instead make it stronger.
Here's your action plan: sit down with him today at some time when you're both settled and relaxed. Then tell him that you respect his feelings, and that you appreciate the way he respects yours. (If you don't believe this right now, simply the act of communicating these words will have a profoundly positive effect on him and actually help create more respect and appreciation - because you get what you give!)
Then explain that communicating as early as possible and allowing that safe space to tell each other how you really feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is crucial to your happiness - yours and his.
What you're doing here is essentially agreeing together to accept and allow for each other's real feelings - regardless of whether they happen to please the other person in that moment. This kind of real and authentic honesty is the first step, and the one and only path to a real, secure, and lasting relationship where both partners know that their feelings are heard and respected.
It's not about letting me be happy, it's about me allowing myself a logical amount of happiness rather than setting myself up for excess unnecessary heartache.
I'm pulling myself off the cliff and putting myself on a hill I can roll down if things down work out instead. Both hurt but I'm tired of almost dying from being on the edge of a cliff.
I'm pulling myself off the cliff and putting myself on a hill I can roll down if things down work out instead. Both hurt but I'm tired of almost dying from being on the edge of a cliff.
I am sitting alone in my dorm apartment; everyone else is in class. I should take a shower right now since I have to use the other girl's bathroom to do so and no one is home (maintenance had to fix our tub). However I am thoroughly enjoying having the apartment soley to myself right now. It's been a long time since I wrote last, as always. And as always I have lots to be doing but needed some soul soothing since I stupidly stress myself when my to-do list feels impossible. I need to just get going on it - I am always better after I do. But I also always feel better after writing (already do), so I figured I'd give this a few minutes before getting going on it. I will hopefully/probably write incrementally throughout my list to keep it. I miss just writing the shit out, even though I am literally writing shit. Just something about... writing, expressing myself, allowing my tensions away through typing or writing. Idk why it's so soothing. Quiet nice music, and ... idk, when I write I feel like I am pulling threads out of my heart and head that are clumping it up. They may be little and inconsequential but it clouds my head and creates fret in my heart. Letting it all out is getting the cobwebs out and suddenly I can focus again, like cleaning your room or making your bed. Somehow everything gets better.
Wow, that was a long vent but I liked it. Alright, I need to shower real quick, then dress while I have this momentum. Then IT homework, no break till I get at least one assignment for it done. Then lunch. So I better get rolling!
Aweeee soo much better after writing!!! :)
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FB Status real quick: Yes, I am that soft sweet girl I appear to be. I am wild and crazy, fun and smart, blonde and anxiety ridden at times. I'm more than you can ever imagine. But most of all I am soft and sweet with a wild streak a mile wide.
Wow, that was a long vent but I liked it. Alright, I need to shower real quick, then dress while I have this momentum. Then IT homework, no break till I get at least one assignment for it done. Then lunch. So I better get rolling!
Aweeee soo much better after writing!!! :)
------
FB Status real quick: Yes, I am that soft sweet girl I appear to be. I am wild and crazy, fun and smart, blonde and anxiety ridden at times. I'm more than you can ever imagine. But most of all I am soft and sweet with a wild streak a mile wide.
Often we cling tightly to things, grasping with all our might, that are not good for us. Clinging to things does not allow for free hands to grab the better things in life. It is when we let go that we see the freedom we have in doing so.
The words come out in the darkness of the car, with no other ears than my own to rest upon. Though in my mind they start with the intentions of my brother hearing them, I soon realize I am saying it to myself, as if willing myself to accept them.
"I better get used to this. This is my life after all. I doubt I will ever have any one to come home to. At least, not as far as a partner in marriage ever again."
As the words hang in the air, I realize I both accept them as true, yet fear they will never be challenged.
"The fear of my trust being broken again disallows me to ever hope otherwise."
I sit in the driveway, in the dark of the night, the song on my cd nearing the end. I do not want the silence yet, so I stare at the reflection of my headlights on the garage door. Only after the song is over do I finally turn off my car. The sudden sound of the crickets in the night air rushes to my ears as I open my car door.
Walking into the empty house, the silence finally arrives. It allows the lyrics of the song to protrude into my thoughts. It is as if they are there to call my bluff;a bluff that I was trying to hide from myself. The only thing I really think, my heart holding only one real desire.
All I want is someone I can ask, and for them to ask in return, "Can I call you mine?"
"I better get used to this. This is my life after all. I doubt I will ever have any one to come home to. At least, not as far as a partner in marriage ever again."
As the words hang in the air, I realize I both accept them as true, yet fear they will never be challenged.
"The fear of my trust being broken again disallows me to ever hope otherwise."
I sit in the driveway, in the dark of the night, the song on my cd nearing the end. I do not want the silence yet, so I stare at the reflection of my headlights on the garage door. Only after the song is over do I finally turn off my car. The sudden sound of the crickets in the night air rushes to my ears as I open my car door.
Walking into the empty house, the silence finally arrives. It allows the lyrics of the song to protrude into my thoughts. It is as if they are there to call my bluff;a bluff that I was trying to hide from myself. The only thing I really think, my heart holding only one real desire.
All I want is someone I can ask, and for them to ask in return, "Can I call you mine?"
I want so desperately to fall madly, deeply, passionatly in love. To give my heart away with absolutely no fear of it getting hurt. I want to give my all to someone, to have a true romance that doesn't end. Deep passionate love.
My father will always be Indiana Jones to me. He may not be invincible, but he is stronger than all get-out, stubborn, smart, determined, adventurous, loving, passionate, always up for a challenge. He even looks like him, hat and rustic attire. Just like Indie, I think he still has time reigning here, but even after he moves on, I think he will forever be known and loved. He is such a boy at heart.
I love him more than words can express.
I love him more than words can express.
My laziness and inefficiencies are rather annoying.
