dedebell

The Scars of the Heart

dedebell — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:03:17 GMT

The scars encapsulating the heart, protecting it, each time getting thicker, more thorough, more significant. With each person, especially each man, it gets harder, or in theory it should, to get into my heart. In theory they should have to search the entire thing and find one of those tiny patches that hasn't torn and rehealed. The spaces have gotten smaller, fewer of them remaining. Will my heart harden all the way around and only the jerks be able to get through? And why do I think only jerks can get through scar tissue? I just ... I guess I assume nice guys, the good ones, aren't willing to dig through scar tissue like that, that they're willing to search for a while but dig through that rough thick skin like that... I guess I have no faith. I just keep praying that one will search long enough, before all the non-scarred tissue is no longer visible. There will always be some, but will it be big enough for them to see it? For them to squeeze through? And I wonder if the tissue is more pink or a different pattern from the girls who have hurt me, the friends who have fractured my heart from the inside, rather than just guys that I let hurt me or whom I hurt myself with. I bet they fracture and tear different. That if you look closely they are all different, if only insignificantly so, but I better there are similarities based on the methods it was torn, if I did it or if they did or if it was a mutual effort. If it was malicious or something that just couldn't work and it slowly and kindly tore, like a surgeon with a scalpel.

I wonder if there are any tattoo like scars. It's funny, I think scars are so pretty. I imagine my heart is actually quite beautiful with all its fracture patterns, all the directionalities of the tears and re healing. It's like a timeline, an anthropological dig. I wonder if one of the good ones searching for a way in will find it beautiful as well. Perhaps they will just melt into my heart instead of trying to dig in. Like melted butter, just soak in enriching it with its warmth and love. And perhaps I just beyond silly, more like retarded, lol.

dedebell — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 23:42:25 GMT

I am your insatiable thirst, your greatest desire.

Excellent Article!

dedebell — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 23:59:02 GMT

How To Be Honest With A Man

By Christian Carter, author of best-selling eBook Catch Him & Keep Him and free newsletter

Can you really tell a man everything on your mind - even the not-so-pretty stuff? And can it bring you closer together? Yes... as long as you know these critical elements about how to communicate with him first.

Has a man ever told you of some plans he had to hang out with his friends, or travel somewhere by himself for whatever reason, and you pretended to be perfectly okay with it because you didn't want to seem "needy?"

But then later, when he came back... BAM!

All those hurt, angry feelings came out, he withdrew, and then there’s a wedge between the two of you. You might conclude that you can’t be honest with a man, when in reality a little tweaking in terms of timing and delivery can make all the difference...

STOP AVOIDING THE ISSUE AND START SPEAKING UP

Here's something you may not know about men, or even agree with, but it's true...

A man absolutely wants you to be honest and straightforward with him

This is what men like so much about the way they can communicate with each other. And, in fact, it drives them nuts when you aren't open and direct.

If they are planning something that you don't agree with, they want you to let them know at the start - as soon as possible - before it becomes a bigger issue or concern.

Here's the beauty of telling a man what you think early on: it allows you to communicate in a way that's less combative and negative than it would be if you were to have it fester in your mind for a while.

UNDERSTAND THE REAL REASON HE GETS UPSET WITH YOU

Men don't "automatically" get upset when you let them know how you feel about something. They get upset when they see that YOU are upset.

See, for most men, when a woman tells them something that isn't great about their relationship, men take it very personally. He'll instantly feel like you are blaming him - even though you might not be.

Why? Men like to think and believe that the woman they're with respects them and sees them as a great man. So when a woman shares something that isn't "perfect," a man will take it as you thinking that he is not good enough - and not just that something happened in your relationship that can easily be changed or improved in the future.

To stop this cycle of a man feeling criticized, or like he doesn't please you, you first need to find a "safe space" before you talk and share your feelings with him. Here's how to do it...

CREATE A SAFE SPACE FOR BOTH OF YOU TO OPEN UP

By "safe," I mean telling a man that what you think, feel ,and need will not jeopardize your connection, but instead make it stronger.

Here's your action plan: sit down with him today at some time when you're both settled and relaxed. Then tell him that you respect his feelings, and that you appreciate the way he respects yours. (If you don't believe this right now, simply the act of communicating these words will have a profoundly positive effect on him and actually help create more respect and appreciation - because you get what you give!)

Then explain that communicating as early as possible and allowing that safe space to tell each other how you really feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is crucial to your happiness - yours and his.

What you're doing here is essentially agreeing together to accept and allow for each other's real feelings - regardless of whether they happen to please the other person in that moment. This kind of real and authentic honesty is the first step, and the one and only path to a real, secure, and lasting relationship where both partners know that their feelings are heard and respected.

Logical amount of Happiness

dedebell — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 04:07:10 GMT

It's not about letting me be happy, it's about me allowing myself a logical amount of happiness rather than setting myself up for excess unnecessary heartache.
I'm pulling myself off the cliff and putting myself on a hill I can roll down if things down work out instead. Both hurt but I'm tired of almost dying from being on the edge of a cliff.

dedebell — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 17:29:09 GMT

I am sitting alone in my dorm apartment; everyone else is in class. I should take a shower right now since I have to use the other girl's bathroom to do so and no one is home (maintenance had to fix our tub). However I am thoroughly enjoying having the apartment soley to myself right now. It's been a long time since I wrote last, as always. And as always I have lots to be doing but needed some soul soothing since I stupidly stress myself when my to-do list feels impossible. I need to just get going on it - I am always better after I do. But I also always feel better after writing (already do), so I figured I'd give this a few minutes before getting going on it. I will hopefully/probably write incrementally throughout my list to keep it. I miss just writing the shit out, even though I am literally writing shit. Just something about... writing, expressing myself, allowing my tensions away through typing or writing. Idk why it's so soothing. Quiet nice music, and ... idk, when I write I feel like I am pulling threads out of my heart and head that are clumping it up. They may be little and inconsequential but it clouds my head and creates fret in my heart. Letting it all out is getting the cobwebs out and suddenly I can focus again, like cleaning your room or making your bed. Somehow everything gets better.

Wow, that was a long vent but I liked it. Alright, I need to shower real quick, then dress while I have this momentum. Then IT homework, no break till I get at least one assignment for it done. Then lunch. So I better get rolling!

Aweeee soo much better after writing!!! :)

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FB Status real quick: Yes, I am that soft sweet girl I appear to be. I am wild and crazy, fun and smart, blonde and anxiety ridden at times. I'm more than you can ever imagine. But most of all I am soft and sweet with a wild streak a mile wide.

dedebell — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 02:45:52 GMT

Often we cling tightly to things, grasping with all our might, that are not good for us. Clinging to things does not allow for free hands to grab the better things in life. It is when we let go that we see the freedom we have in doing so.

July Flame

dedebell — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 02:42:33 GMT

The words come out in the darkness of the car, with no other ears than my own to rest upon. Though in my mind they start with the intentions of my brother hearing them, I soon realize I am saying it to myself, as if willing myself to accept them.

"I better get used to this. This is my life after all. I doubt I will ever have any one to come home to. At least, not as far as a partner in marriage ever again."

As the words hang in the air, I realize I both accept them as true, yet fear they will never be challenged.

"The fear of my trust being broken again disallows me to ever hope otherwise."

I sit in the driveway, in the dark of the night, the song on my cd nearing the end. I do not want the silence yet, so I stare at the reflection of my headlights on the garage door. Only after the song is over do I finally turn off my car. The sudden sound of the crickets in the night air rushes to my ears as I open my car door.

Walking into the empty house, the silence finally arrives. It allows the lyrics of the song to protrude into my thoughts. It is as if they are there to call my bluff;a bluff that I was trying to hide from myself. The only thing I really think, my heart holding only one real desire.

All I want is someone I can ask, and for them to ask in return, "Can I call you mine?"

dedebell — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 02:39:32 GMT

I want so desperately to fall madly, deeply, passionatly in love. To give my heart away with absolutely no fear of it getting hurt. I want to give my all to someone, to have a true romance that doesn't end. Deep passionate love.

My dad is Indiana Jones

dedebell — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 03:15:11 GMT

My father will always be Indiana Jones to me. He may not be invincible, but he is stronger than all get-out, stubborn, smart, determined, adventurous, loving, passionate, always up for a challenge. He even looks like him, hat and rustic attire. Just like Indie, I think he still has time reigning here, but even after he moves on, I think he will forever be known and loved. He is such a boy at heart.

I love him more than words can express.

dedebell — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 00:12:33 GMT

My laziness and inefficiencies are rather annoying.

dedebell — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 01:31:45 GMT

"We were given two hands to hold, two legs to walk, two eyes to see, two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else, for us to find."

Summer Rain

dedebell — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 20:27:12 GMT

I have lived in the South for over a year and a half now. One might I would be sick of the rain and weather here now. It is unpredictable, humid, hot, and muggy, particularly during the summer. However, when I am sitting alone in my room, and that late afternoon thunder grumbles outside, there is no hesitation in my action. I immediately go to cross my room, open my blinds, and thrust open my windows. (For this, I am sure my brother is utterly grateful for causing the house temperature to rise and create more work for the ac. Shh, don't tell him.)

There is something so magical about the air that rushes into the room, the sounds that enter the indoors. I turn off anything I can that emits noise in my room and prop my chair close to my window. I lean my chair back, my body back, and finally my head back. Without any thought, a sigh usually escapes my lips, my entire body really, and the amazing world I am suddenly emersed in. If I close my eyes a bit, I feel as if I am outside, in a forest (if I imagine the drain pipe as drainage from a tree or something that is). I find that nature in the South in the midst of a thundery afternoon rain is so loud, a person can nearly feel it in their soul.

As the misty air drifts into my noise, across my skin, it draws a light fog in my mind. It is an ultimate relaxation technique in which the South frequently provides, via nature, for free. So soothing, so loving, so fulfilling is the rain given from Mother Nature to the nature of the earth. Nearly each time it rains, it draws my mind to the idea of writing. My bed calls to me, my body suddenly yearning to lay down and fall into the dream like world of the rain pouring down on the roof, across the windows, and trickling down the walls of the house. The sounds, smells, and feel that rainstorms of the South bring create a fantasy dream-like world that is hard to escape from, even within the safe quiet walls of one's home.

dedebell — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 12:11:02 GMT

Things are much more difficult to let go of, once you've had a taste of them. Perhaps we should brush our teeth and avoid eating foods we know aren't good for us.

Summer Tranquility... Someday

dedebell — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 23:20:10 GMT

Someday I will have someone to fill that rocking chair with. I will share those quiet peaceful evenings of the summer air. The summer tranquility. I will find someone to share all the bits of my life with; the good and the bad, the loud and the quiet, the restless and the dreams. Someday I will finally rest in my rocking chair, and I will have someone rocking beside me. Someday.

dedebell — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 02:01:59 GMT

Sometimes getting swept off your feet simply means falling on your ass.

dedebell — Mon, 17 May 2010 02:54:51 GMT

I am almost falling asleep, so I guess I won't write long. Today has been one messed up day.

I think I might write a bibliography of myself. Of all my memories, no matter how perverse, private, or whatever they may be. I know it will not be easy and it may not make sense. I probably won't finish it. Yet, I want to try. What a long chore to begin, but I think it could really help me.

I really need to go to therapy. I think doing the above may help with it as well. Perhaps I will have Mom ship out all my old notebooks and journals eventually too.

I have such an overwhelming desire to be understood. To be heard and understood. And to still be loved after someone knows all about me. To forgive me despite of me.

dedebell — Thu, 06 May 2010 05:19:43 GMT

It's late, which is no surprise. It's 12:30am, but I couldn't sleep. So, I put on some Smashing Pumpkins, hoping to slow down my mind a bit. Instead it brought up some old memories, and I ran with them. They were memories of the happy times with Derek. Started with a memory of us walking around a park near the lake. I am not sure if it was a memory or a memory of my imagination of him being there with me. I was always going to the park, and thinking how nice it would be for him to be there with me.
Because of this happy memory, it spawned me trying to remember my old happy memories. The ones I had forgotten. The unique ones of him and I alone, at parks and whatnot. Peaceful memories. And there are a lot.
Between the memories and the lyrics bringing up more emotions on it, it brought tears. There are soo many memories. I deliberately ignored the bad ones. I wanted to find some treasures I had forgotten. It made my heart ache, but it was worth it, at least I was thinking that.
I had resigned myself to a sad heart that would likely disappear in my sleep. And then, like a whiplash, I remembered Bailey, and his tattoo. It churned me Real fast. It made me angry and totally willing to forget it all, and/or every time I remembered him, anger, or at least not sadness and longing weep over me.
But it's gone again. Replaced with heart break again. It's an endless cycle isn't it?

Will I ever move on? Will my heart ever stop aching? And breaking every time I remember it all? Or will I forever cycle through these emotions, sadness, anger, heartache, detachment, longing, disbelief in any man's ability to not lie and not hurt me?

dedebell — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 12:20:21 GMT

Sitting in school, waiting for it to start. Don't want to write because if I write what I am feeling, thinking, I will want to cry as well. Things with Brom. With me being selfish. I suppose I always have been selfish.

I love and adore Smashing Pumpkins. There is something so soothing.

I really should have some caffeine, coffee, something. I can't seem to keep my eyes open.

So Brom and I are on the outs I guess.

Well, one thing is for sure right now; I am glad I am not at work. Though I wouldn't mind the hugs, I think I would find tears quickly. Here, no one knows me too well, so if I appear to be at tears, that's ok cause now one would know or care.

Going to get some coffee and class.

Disappoint

dedebell — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 02:30:25 GMT

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Main Entry: dis·ap·point
Pronunciation: \ˌdis-ə-ˈpȯint\
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English disapointen to dispossess, from Middle French desapointer, from des- dis- + appointer to arrange — more at appoint
Date: 15th century

transitive verb : to fail to meet the expectation or hope of : frustrate <the team disappointed its fans>intransitive verb : to cause disappointment <where the show disappoints most is in the work of the younger generation — John Ashbery>

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Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that the individual feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while the individual feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.[1] It is a source of psychological stress.[2] The study of disappointment—its causes, impact and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis,[1][3] as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.[4]

Disappoint is traced to the Middle English disappointen by way of the Old French desapointer. In literal meaning, it is to remove from office.[5] Its use in the sense of general frustration traces to the late 15th century, and it first appears recorded in English as an emotional state of dejection in the middle 18th century.[6]

Psychology

Disappointment is a subjective response related to the anticipated rewards.[1] The psychological results of disappointment vary greatly among individuals; while some recover quickly, others mire in frustration or blame or become depressed.[2] A 2003 study of young children with parental background of childhood onset depression found that there may be a genetic predisposition to slow recovery following disappointment.[7] While not every person responds to disappointment by becoming depressed, depression can (in the self psychology school of psychoanalytic theory) almost always be seen as secondary to disappointment/frustration.[8]

Disappointment, and an inability to prepare for it, has also been hypothesized as the source of occasional immune system compromise in optimists.[9] While optimists by and large exhibit better health,[10] they may alternatively exhibit less immunity when under prolonged or uncontrollable stress, a phenomenon which researchers have attributed to the "disappointment effect".[9] The "disappointment effect" posits that optimists do not utilize "emotional cushioning" to prepare for disappointment and hence are less able to deal with it when they experience it.[10][11] This disappointment effect has been challenged since the mid-1990s by researcher Suzanne C. Segerstrom, who has published, alone and in accord, several articles evaluating its plausibility. Her findings suggest that, rather than being unable to deal with disappointment, optimists are more likely to actively tackle their problems and experience some immunity compromise as a result.[12]

In 1994, psychotherapist Ian Craib published the book The Importance of Disappointment, in which he drew on the works of Melanie Klein and Sigmund Freud in advancing the theory that disappointment-avoidant cultures—particularly therapy culture—provides false expectations of perfection in life and prevents people from achieving a healthy self-identity.[13] Craib offered as two examples litigious victims of medical mistakes, who once would have accepted accidents as a course of life, and people suffering grief following the death of a loved one who, he said, are provided a false stage model of recovery that is more designed to comfort bereavement therapists than the bereaved.[14] In a 2004 article, the journal Psychology Today recommended handling disappointment through concrete steps including accepting that setbacks are normal, setting realistic goals, planning subsequent moves, thinking about positive role models, seeking support and tackling tasks by stages rather than focusing on the big picture.[2]

Theory

Disappointment theory, pioneered in the mid-1980s by David E. Bell with further development by Graham Loomes and Robert Sugden,[15] revolves around the notion that people contemplating risks are disappointed when the outcome of the risk is not evaluated as positively as the expected outcome.[16] Disappointment theory has been utilized in examining such diverse decision-making processes as return migration, taxpayer compliance and customer willingness to pay.[17]

Disappointed individuals focus on "upward counterfactuals"—alternative outcomes that would have been better than the one actually experienced—to the point that even positive outcomes may result in disappointment.[18] One example, supplied by Bell, concerns a lottery win of $10,000.00, an event which will theoretically be perceived more positively if that amount represents the highest possible win in the lottery than if it represents the lowest.[19] Decision analysts operate on the assumption that individuals will anticipate the potential for disappointment and make decisions that are less likely to lead to the experience of this feeling.[15] Disappointment aversion has been posited as one explanation for the Allais paradox, a problematic response in expected utility theory wherein people prove more likely to choose a sure reward than to risk a higher one while at the same time being willing to attempt a greater reward with lower probability when both options include some risk.[20]

While earlier developers of disappointment theory focused on anticipated outcomes, more recent examinations by Philippe Delquié and Alessandra Cillo of INSEAD have focused on the impact of later disappointment resulting when an actual outcome comes to be regarded negatively based on further development; for example, if a person receives higher than expected gains in the stock market, she may be elated until she discovers a week later that she could have gained much more profit if she had waited a few more days to sell.[15] This experience of disappointment may influence subsequent behavior, and, the analysts state, an incorporation of such variables into disappointment theory may enhance the study of behavioral finance.[15] Disappointment is, along with regret, measured by direct questioning of respondents.[21]

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Regret. Remorse. Humiliation. Disgust. Doubt. Embarrassment. Frustration. Grief. Melancholia. Emptiness. Patience, pity, pain, rage. Disappoint, loathe. Hate. Angry.

Regret regret regret. Never again. Selfish, self-pittying, spoiled brat.

Disgust. Should have known it would never work. She'll never change.

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Verb 1. disappoint - fail to meet the hopes or expectations of; "Her boyfriend let her down when he did not propose marriage"
let down
betray, fail - disappoint, prove undependable to; abandon, forsake; "His sense of smell failed him this time"; "His strength finally failed him"; "His children failed him in the crisis"
come short, fall short - fail to meet (expectations or standards)
disenchant, disillusion - free from enchantment
frustrate, queer, scotch, thwart, foil, baffle, bilk, cross, spoil - hinder or prevent (the efforts, plans, or desires) of; "What ultimately frustrated every challenger was Ruth's amazing September surge"; "foil your opponent"
Based on WordNet 3.0, Farlex clipart collection. © 2003-2008 Princeton University, Farlex Inc.
disappoint
verb
1. let down, dismay, fail, dash, disillusion, sadden, vex, chagrin, dishearten, disenchant, dissatisfy, disgruntle He said that he was surprised and disappointed by the decision
2. frustrate, foil, thwart, defeat, baffle, balk His hopes have been disappointed many times before.

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“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”
-Thomas Hardy

Dear Brom

dedebell — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 01:53:34 GMT

Brom
I hate that I constantly feel like I am failing you or am not good enough. I hate that I feel like no matter what I do, I am not good enough, I don't try hard enough, that no matter what i really really will never be good enough for you. I finally feel like I am hitting on some things that will make you proud or happy, and you start getting mad at me, quietly. Or we start fighting over stupid stuff, like that the church I finally starting attending, because I feel it has good people, teaches good lessons, has a good impact on my life, and that I am finally getting in touch with God again, is currupt, if only slightly or whatever you made it out to be.

I hate that every time we talk, it has to be a big deal. That you do somehow strike me soo deeply and painfully in some things that you say, it brings me to tears nearly everytime.

I hate that you tell me that you are going to help me with stuff, over and over again, and then you never do. When I finally talk to you about them, you are irrtated that I didn't do something about it by myself anyway.

I hate that you have so much faith in me all the time, and when I don't hold up to this grand-o-see image you have of me, I alllllllways disapoint you.

I hate that we fight. I hate that we can't just be friends. But all I can ever think about is how much I disapoint you. And it always brings back that I will never be good enough for your expectations of me.

I don't want to give up on us. I love you and I am SOOOO incredibly PROUD to call you my brother. I respect you, more than you could EVER imagine. I just feel like my whole life I have disapointed you, by being me.

I am sorry about my empty promises. A high amount of the times, it is because I really and very seriously do forget. My memory has always been INCREDIBLY terrible. (just think back and/or ask Mom and Dad. How many watches did I go through? How often would I complete a homework assignment and then leave it at home or forget to turn it in. I averaged at least 3-5 papers that should have been turned in the bottom of my back pack at the end of each month, until about college.

I mean, shoot, I forget to use the bathroom, drink water, or eat anything at work if I am focused - which I am so much now days. I have worked many-a-days at work that I simply don't pee, even for a 8-10 hours shift.

Brom, I don't know what to say. I am sorry. I will try harder. I love you and I do not mean to be selfish or break promises. To you, these are all empty. I guess we are both at a I-don't-know-what-to-do stage.

Oh, you know why I stay in my room so much, facebook so much? Because I don't disapoint people that way. Or so I thought.

_deidra

dedebell — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 04:17:30 GMT

Yep, I am an idiot, it's official. It wasn't a date. I was so stupid, thinking it was. I knew it wasn't supposed to be. I am just stupid. Should have known. He was too cute for me anyway. I am sooo stupid. Stupid girl. What was I thinking? ugh. idiot.

dedebell — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:37:32 GMT

Another thing in a guy: Someone who is constantly striving to better himself and the world/others around him. Who has goals, wants, desires, wholesomeness. Who is striving to be a whole person by themselves. Who also wants to be with someone who is whole and has a list simular to mine of their own for someone they are seeking.

And yes, someone that I am attracted to physically. Someone that arouses me visually, physically, mentally, emotionally.

Someone who Wants to be with me also, who is willing to put some effort into seeing me, our relationship, our future, whatever that may be. Who is willing to look at the big picture, both of me, us, and himself.

Character:
Who you are/how you act when no one else is around.

Dating standards - things I deserve

dedebell — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:02:35 GMT

I need to write down things that I want in a man. Simple things. Like I want him to be a good kisser, someone who enjoys kissing, someone who enjoys touching me, who isn't afraid of pda, etc. I also need to set some ground rules for when I am first dating people so that I can get that stuff.
If I move too fast, allow too much to happen at the beginning, physically etc, then I won't be able to see that in the guy, and he won't be able to see that I desire to be treated right. He'll see that I have no self respect. I deserve these simple things, but the guy won't realize that I want it, or that I deserve being treated special, if I just give myself away for free.

-I deserve a guy that calls when he says he's going to call. Even at the beginning if he can't/doesn't call, I deserve at least an up front explanation/apology.
-I deserve a guy who moves slowly, kisses softly and sweetly, and doesn't do things physically to me that I am openly showing him that I want him to. And not fast either.
-I deserve a guy who will make the effort to ask me on a date, and will do a real date. Treat me sweet, open my doors, dress up a bit.
-I deserve a guy who will take me seriously.
-I deserve a guy who will give me the time of day.
-I deserve to have good, interesting conversations. Who respects my opinions, but has his own as well. That respects me. That finds me interesting and funny, and is himself interesting and funny to me.
-I deserve a guy with high personal integrity.
-I deserve a guy that doesn't lie to me, or anyone in general.
-I deserve a guy who is better himself and his future.
-Who doesn't give up his future or other's happiness just to be happy this weekend.
-Who doesn't get jealous of me having girlfriends, and that has guy friends of his own.
-One who will stand up for me and my virtue or whatnot.
-I deserve a guy who isn't afraid of commitment but isn't rushing into it either.
-I deserve a guy who wants something good for his future, not just getting drunk this weekend, or lots of money. Wants a happy future. (aka, not a job he hates but pays good money).
-I deserve a guy who likes helping people, and who doesn't get pleasure out of seeing people get hurt.
-Who is Actively working towards a better future for himself if he isn't Happy where he is. And even if he is happy where he is, he is still growing and learning and making something of himself.
-I deserve a guy who is equally or slightly smarter than I am. One who will not overshadow my intelligence but engage it. (Thanks Nikki) Not someone who will make you feel stupid, but someone to learn certain things from and where you can teach other things. Learning off each other and growing.
-I deserve a guy who will admit when he's wrong and not be spiteful about it. (Thanks again Nikki)
-I deserve a guy in which I get good chemistry with. That continues to arouse me even after we've been together for a long time.
-One who

dedebell — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 03:10:49 GMT

If he was such and asshole, why do I ... Why did I get so hurt seeing him on there. With her. So happy. He looks light, lifted. Even though i know it wasn't my fault or whatever. It still hurts. Did he ever look that light and happy when he was with me? Did I hold him back, or did he just finally change, and I hadn't sorta nothing to do with it? Ugh. Why am I contemplating this, writing about this anyway? Will I always long for him, Always love him, always find he beautiful. Will he always be the ideal look in a man for me now?

Addictions: Basic Help

dedebell — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 18:28:25 GMT

I am struggling with a few simple addictions that I am finding are unhealthy for my life and future. I thought I would write down the steps I am going to take to help me get over my goals. These are for very simple addictions. Perhaps I will have to edit this later as I find out a little more of the specifics that I go through...

-First you have to recognize you have an addiction.

-Second you have to clearly write down why said addiction is bad for you. How is it affecting you, your life, your family/friends/loved ones? What may happen if you continue the addiction at its current rate? What about at a increased rate? What would you like to do/reward yourself with if you were able to get the addiction under control?

-Third you have to understand, at least on an outside level, why you do what it is you are addicted to. Write that down.

-Forth you have determine what you are going to do about the addiction. Are you just going to cut back on time/money spent on the addiction? Are you going to cut it out of your life completely?

*Note, review first and second steps as needed.

-Fifth set your goals on resolving the addiction, and write them down clearly. Tell a few people you trust, if you are ok with sharing, to help you work towards reaching the goal. Set Hard, but realistic rules for yourself. Set a decent amount of time down the road for review and reevaluation. Also set a high reward you would like to reach and will help you get through tough times if you reach the end goal/get the addiction under control.

*Remember, if you mess up on the goals, it is ok! Just keep going, and be proud of yourself for getting this far. Then get back on track!

-After the said time, review your progress, reevaluate if your basic goals fulfilled your overall goal of helping the addiction itself. Do you need to cut back more? Just remember the overall reasons why you were considering this a problem in the first place, and make sure they are solved, or haven't simply been replaced by a different addiction. Repeat steps as needed until you get the addiction under control.
If you find you simply can't do it on your own, don't be afraid to turn to others that are capable of helping you in the said field. I also find online websites and books can be a great help, as well as online/irl support groups.

-Once you feel you have made progress on your goals, Reward yourself! Once you feel you have Met your goal, give yourself the large reward you had in mind that got you through all those tough times. You deserve it!