Time to Change the Rhyme

Abuse, Anxiety, Booze, denial, Game of Life, Game player, Games, hope, Lies, love, Poetry, story, writer, , , , , ,

My life is like a rhyme
It’s repetitive and compulsive

One line begins and the chapter ends
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat
This rhyme sticks
I’m just with a different kind of prick

Line after line
I’m playing the same rhyme
But in another time

The only comfort in this is the wine
Different glass
Different colour
But I can always rely
On the rhyme

Crime of this time
Not taken seriously
Not now and not before my time

Living in misery and fear
Living with
The liar
The jailer
The headworker
The sexual controller

I like to think he’s sincere
It’s just me
I’ve got the fear
It’s me
I’m hard work
I’m useless
I’m destroying us
I have a drink problem
But the problem isn’t me or the drink
The problem is the rhyme

I need to get out of this loop
But it would seem I’m still continuing
To jump through the hoop

When in my head
I don’t know what’s true

Alarm bells ringing
Paranoia singing
Stick with the instinct
This must be intrinsic

Not much has changed in time
But
We DO NOT need to abide
To his cruelty and torture
I’m going to change my future
Starting with a fresh rhyme

Release

Abuse, denial, Game of Life, Game player, Games, hope, Lies, love, Poetry, positivity, story, writer, , , , ,

Where is the lust?
Where is the compliments?
Where is the look of love or attraction?

All I see is sleaze
Begging me for sex
With those needy eyes
Crying out please
I need some sort of release
Come on woman
You know you like to please
You know you like to keep the peace
So, let me have this release

Then I will be happy
I will be happy about work
I will be happy about the house
I will most importantly be happy with you
As next time I am like this
You will know exactly what to do
The role you must partake

Unlucky for you
As I won’t be your whore
Not today, tomorrow or anymore
I see it, what you are doing to me
For this certainly isn’t the first time
I’m no longer walking your line
I should have listened to my instinct
This is the end
Here is your release

Game Play

Abuse, author, Game of Life, Game player, Games, Lockdown, Poetry, story, writer, , , , ,

I am aware of all of these games
But my boards have
No names
No rules
No structure
Similar to
Snakes and Ladders
It has its ups and downs
Jenga
Build your wall and then one wrong move and it collapses
Mouse Trap
Caught in the trap
Screwball Scramble
Trying to keep things steady and not fall over the edge
Cluedo
Always looking for the clues to give the right answers
Battleship
Treading gently, one wrong move and boom
Shirades
Reading the body language and signals
Frustration
Getting around as quick as possible to get home safe
Chess
Always thinking three moves ahead. Building up your defence
The game of life

Fight of the Burning Light

Abuse, Anxiety, denial, Lies, Lockdown, love, Poetry, story, writer, , , , ,

The flame is lit
This time just a little bit
Flicker by flicker
Keeping the flame alive
Not understanding the hidden demise of my mind
Ailments, confusion, delusions
Not trusting one’s thoughts
There is still the flicker of the light
Things don’t seem right
Not leaving the house
Not a visitor in sight
Flicker by flicker
Questions, questions, questions
Not being able to find the answers
Charming and flirtatious
Shouting and then the glare
Then comes hysteria and fear
Do this, don’t do that
Are you doing it right?
Did I do it right?

Striking the match
The goal is in sight
I blink
That can’t be right
I no longer have any goals
All out of my reach
He is deceitful
He is the one holding the light

Distance makes the Heart Follow

Abuse, Anxiety, Booze, denial, hope, Lies, Lockdown, love, Poetry, story, writer, , , , , ,

Both there, but not there
She goes off into her usual stare
This night he decides he doesn’t care
From that night
These two just haven’t been right
What’s with that?
What’s the facts?
For she doesn’t know, and he won’t say
They’ve both given up the drink and weed
Is that something he needs to succeed?
They’ve only ever known each other from the other side of the glass
Yes, things have changed
Will they get through the exchange?
They are unarranged
No order, no lust
She thinks he only wants the thrust
Has their love expired?
Does he find her attractive, sexy or hot?
Or is it she’s thinking too much about that?
Will he ever open up and share his feelings?
Or does he continue to keep her reeling?
It leaves her with uncertainty
Nothing to believe in
It’s the most horrid of feelings

He talks the words that are expected
He sits quietly
She knows he’s projecting
She sits in her usual daze
She has felt happier days

Their lockdown time maybe their biggest, scariest time yet
But her lockdown started long ago

She has released herself from the sorrow
For his heart is hollow

War of the Mind

Abuse, Anxiety, denial, Lies, Lockdown, love, Poetry, story, writer, , , , ,

Barricaded in
Feeling no emotion or pain
I’m in lockdown
The wall is defending me of
The love wars
The thought wars
The emotion wars
The bricks and cement stay strong
No words
No kindness
No guilt
Is letting him in
Or letting it crumble
He seems all humble
But I will not allow him to eat the pie

Why?
You hurt me
You see
I am depressed
I am sad
I am tired
I am scared

My guilt of not wanting to make love
It shouldn’t be just a release
Love making is for sharing
Caring and much more
To be at one with one another
Three days pass
Your hormones you cannot control
But the emotion should be more

You never have to ask you say
My gut told me to ask
But I hear those words you say
My minds back at war
Should I ask?
Will he think I’m nuts?
I’m just paranoid
In this man I trust
He said he wouldn’t do it again
Get this in your head then

I finally asked
He admitted he committed the act

Horny I am not
Numb is what I am
I try, I try
I want to cry
I want to be
But I’m just not

How does he find me attractive when I am like this?
I want to kiss and cuddle
Feel safe and secure
He’s horny
That’s for sure
Subtle he is not
All he does is try and try
I want to cry

The war is exhausting
Say nothing
Stay in lockdown
The defence is working
The wall isn’t about to fall
Barricaded in
Who will win?

Forgetting Who I am

Abuse, Anxiety, denial, hope, Lies, love, Poetry, prescription, story, writer, , , , ,

Not recognising myself in the mirror
Looking at myself with somebody else’s eyes
How I have been disguised?
But today I opened selfie mode
My identity is what I see through my eyes

I’ve been lost for some time
My feelings I’ve had to hide
Just joining somebody else’s ride
Only doing what was prescribed
That prescription has expired

Release of the inner peace
That’s been held in far too deep
I allow myself to weep
For the loss of my soul

The independent woman I once was has returned
I was once blind
When I didn’t want to see
I was once deaf
When I didn’t want to hear

Now I’m ready to return to the wild
Solo ride

I’ve emptied the gas
And
I’ve blown out the light

Defined

hope, Lockdown, nature, Poetry, positivity, story, writer, ,

Roots, Roots, Roots

Will they ever let loose?

Embedded, Embedded, Embedded

Running deep. Rising high

Fly, Fly, Fly

The wind let out a sigh

Sigh, Sigh, Sigh

The leaf was unable to reply

Power, Power, Power

The trunk is too strong

Silence, Silence, Silence

Nothing dared to stare

Dance, Dance, Dance

Swayed the flowers and the weeds

Seeds, Seeds, Seeds

Scattered. Not all succeed

Define, Define, Define

The many colours growing from the vine

Time, Time, Time

Distinctive and equally sublime

Interwine, Interwine, Interwine

Natural Destruction

Anxiety, author, denial, Haiku, hope, love, story, writer, , ,

Sitting at her desk. Lonely and cold, her husband still lying in their warm bed. The thoughts whirling in her mind. There’s no one that she can share her thoughts with. Her fears. Her dreams. Her nightmares of day and night. The fight is hers and hers alone.
The wind today is fierce just like her mood. She tries to run against the strong current of all the despair. The earth, the trees, the leaves, the darkness joins her race. But everything has its own pace.

Movement, improvement
No words for anyone to hear
Falls on a deaf ear

The branches are destroyed. They snap, crack away from the tree. Alone, left lying on the road. A motor runs over the branch. It snaps, cracks, splinters and the branch are no more.

The stare becomes bare
Bumble bees, hornets and wasps
Pierced by the sting

She’s bewildered by the people, the earth and the trees. Natural destruction. Elimination of all of those things. She feels the separation between life and loss. The roots run deeper, thicker, swelling underground clinging vigorously to mother earth.

The paper is a
Pure relief. Writing shadows
Of grief. A release.