Every once in a while, I dream about being able to hold a regular 9-to-5 type job. Where I would be able to make a meaningful income, and contribute to our household funds. Maybe something has changed since the last time I tried - I'm diagnosed now, I know more about aspergers and ptsd and I have various coping mechanisms that I didn't have when I was younger and tried to work 'like normal people.' I get the thought that maybe I should try again, surely it wouldn't be too bad, and maybe I'm just exaggerating the problems because it's been so long since I tried...

A few days ago, I had the opportunity to spend an extended period of time in an office environment. Our car, Elwood Elantra, needed some work done - and our mechanic is nice enough to pick it up at Aus's work (because we only have the one car and Aus doesn't drive). I sat in Aus's office while waiting for the car to be ready. Now there are a lot of times I will pick up Aus from work, and lurk for maybe an hour or two in his office while waiting for him to be done. His boss is very nice and doesn't seem to mind me lurking around, perhaps because I am quiet and unintrusive. I play with my Kindle or phone, and just wait out the time.

For the first two hours or so, it went pretty much the same. Aus got me a nice drink of water, and I sat and played with my kindle. I wasn't feeling particularly well, but that was because it was before noon and I never feel entirely right in mornings. Then I had to go to the bathroom, and that was when the trouble started. Stepping out of Aus's office, one can hear the sales floor- where people in cubicles are supposed to be working, but more often than not you can hear them chattering loudly to each other about various things. It's a bit overwhelming. Then I stepped into the small woman's room - and the smells started to get to me.

Not to get TMI, but I have a very keen sense of smell, and when someone is menstruating, there is a very distinct odor of stale blood and hormones no matter how clean the person is. The entire bathroom stank of blood, likely emanating from the trash can. To a normal sense, I'm sure it smelled just fine - it wasn't that the rest room was -dirty understand, it was just that smell. I turned on the fan and that didn't help- just blew the smell around more. This made me feel like I was going to vomit so I hastily finished my business and went back to Aus's office.

Now my senses were on high alert. I heard the hum of the flourecent overhead lights, the whirr of the air conditioner system, the clacking of keyboard and the computer's electrical sounds. Time for lunch came around (about three hours since I'd been there) so Aus took me to wait in the break room while he walked to a nearby Subway to buy us some lunch. One of Aus's co-workers came in, and introduced herself. I tried my best to be social and make small talk, and to remember to stop doing that after a while when she had her food so she could eat. Then Aus's boss came in and ased if Aus had kicked me out so he could have lunch ( a joke, it took me a moment to realize) so I laughed, and then informed him about Aus going to pick up our lunch. I remembered to thank him for allowing me to lurk today and told him about our car being in need of repair.

And fortunately remembered to stop talking so he could eat his sandwich. Oddly enough, the only communication between him and the co-worker (who I later found out was the sales manager) was a nod, before they went to their various lunch eatings. I found myself second guessing my social interactions - had I been too chatty? Are breakrooms like bathrooms where you must try to let the other person conduct their business in silence and not bother them? I was very nervous about having messed this up by the time Aus returned with food.

Food was good, and I talked quietly to Aus as we ate which calmed me down some. He told me about some blackberry bushes he passed, and I wondered if they were ripe for picking and if we might go there for fresh blackberries (after checking of course, to make sure they are the edible type). My stomach was still upset though, and the food was sitting in there like a lead weight.

Back to his office for more waiting, and now my senses are excruciating. The lights are giving me a headache, every noise is dragging on my nerves, and I can't get settled with kindle or phone. I put my headphones in, and I try to just watch a show to get my self involved in something that would keep my brain from overloading. After about six hours, it was the end of the day and we were picked up to go get our car. Then we had to socialize with the car folks and get our business conducted.

When we got home I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I just needed to lie in the dark and after a little bit of food, took a three hour nap. Then when it was time to sleep that night, I slept over ten hours, and woke up still somewhat disoriented.

Conclusion - we all have our skillsets, and working in an office is not within mine. Autism is called a spectrum condition for a reason. Just because some folks with aspergers can work outside the home, doesn't mean all can. Realizing that this is not the kind of environment I can function well in helps me to understand myself better, and to focus on the things I can do. Things I can do from a nice, quiet, apartment with natural light and no one talking.

When I did my 'band lackey' work, some of the folks we worked with would likely be considered celebrities. Some bands and artists you may know, some majorly signed, who had a fairly large group of 'fans'.  We also worked with a lot of lesser known, indie artists.

They're all just people. Some of them are nice folks, some of them not-so-nice. Some of them are a bit pretentious about being 'famous' , but most of them don't let that go to their heads.

I've made some friends,  folks I still keep in touch with via facebook (and play the occasional game with!), folks who still IM once in a while to see how I'm doing or what I'm up to. And some people that  it was just a working relationship with, and when we stopped doing work for them, we never heard from them again.

Either way, it was a good experience - but it wasn't made any more (or less) exciting by how famous the artist in question was. We met a lot of great people in lesser known bands who (much like the famous people) either keep in touch or don't.

It introduced us to a lot of good music, that's one thing for sure.

Some musicians I would have an interest in meeting, maybe to shake their hand and thank them for some of the songs they wrote, or ask them a question about a particular piece. How famous they are has nothing to do with that, it's just the music. Quite a few musicians I would like to meet and work for, when I get back into the buisness - mostly because I've been kind of annoyed trying to navigate their crappy websites and/or I think they could use some help with their online presence.  I may be taking a year off from all that due to my health, but my mind still 'goes there' in terms of seeing a site or a lack of a social media page, and thinking about how it should be set up, what the artist should be doing, etc.

Hope everyone's having a good one. I'm just handing out candy (hopefully without a side of sinus infection) this year.

I've been pretty sick - went to the ER the other night and they put me on steroids and antibiotics. Have to go to the doctor Monday and get checked up.

I have another freelance job, which is both good and bad. I applied for it on a whim Thursday and it said 'will get back to applicants in two weeks'. Well. I guess they liked my application because they got back to me the very next day... which is a little inconvenient. I was counting on having that two week window to feel better. So now I have to come up with a bio, and a photo of myself, etc to them in three business days. Then I have to submit to a background check and set up my tax form etc. It's for three short blurbs a week, so it's a little more high volume than I'm used to but shorter pieces. They also don't claim exclusive rights, so I can reuse them anywhere else. It's also more of a specific focus than I'm used to - I'll be the 'Atlantic City area indie music columnist.' So at least some of the content I'll be putting into it will be area specific. That means if you're a musician in my area and want to be interviewed for a column or have one of your concerts reviewed, get in touch.

This also means I need to get my shit together with lauracushing.com as in posting the actual content that needs to go up there.

And... tomorrow starts NaNoWrimo. This year I'm going to be doing a series of short stories instead of an actual novel attempt, because let's face it my life is too chaotic to write an entire novel and short stories are more my forte anyhow. With the exception of 2006, I haven't won a year - so maybe I'll manage to do it this year by being somewhat lax on the rules. Though I may mix in completely unrelated stories, my primary focus is going to be heil_hans and vavarner and the various support characters that fit into their world. If you have a suggestion of a story you'd like to see me write, a prompt or anything like that- please let me know in a comment. It'll help!


Being sick of course, I have zero motivation to do any of this. Going to try anyhow.

Been doing some work on http://lauracushing.com - there's a basic layout up there now at least, if not the actual content. I'm hoping to get back to work, hoping to find some musicians who are in need of our services, build up some contacts again. I've got a few feelers out there, sent out some messages to a few folks look like they might need things done. Here's hoping some of that comes back with work. Between the economy and me having problems (that I know now were related to the blood pressure), all the previous work dried up. So I feel like I'm starting again from square one. That's why it's important to get the portfolio up, let people know who we've worked with and what we did for them and some testimonials and so forth.

Something unpleasant is going on in my lungs. Either it's just from allergy season, or I'm coming down with something which I so do not need right now. Got some allergy stuff, and we'll see if that does anything.

For those who voted in the poll - you will be happy to know that the dead possum was kicked into the road, and animal control was called. "Its not just playing" I assured them, and they came to collect the corpse. Problem solved.

Things are going much better. My blood pressure has been fairly stable, and I have been continuing my recovery. I still get really tired after doing too much, but the amount I can do before reaching that point of exhaustion is increasing. Aus just got offered a perminant possition with the company he's been temping for the past eight months - it comes with a very nice pay raise that will allow us to afford their health plan. So that will help me get even better care for the problems I'm having, which is hopefully going to make a big difference.

Situation around the house is a little less stressful. There's one kid living at home - who is (hopefully) going to rehab soon to get over her drug problems. We found a place for her to go with state funding, but so far they havent' had any beds available. One is going to start college in a few weeks - she's living with friends near campus and working down at the casino a couple days a week as well. The boy, well - he's still a skate bum living with his friends and not doing much of anything other than odd jobs. But at least the one at home has been surprisingly calm and fairly cooperative- probably because she's off the drugs and therefore less crazed.

I'm still not writing as much as I should be. It's hard to channel all my rp characters except Val right now (boy is always easy, hah) and I haven't worked on any serious writing for ages. But right now I am focusing on what I can do, and what makes me happy. Part of it goes back to that tiredness, too.

Aus and I were on a conference call today with other people from around the country to go over some new features on the Gather website.... and suddenly, loudly, for about five minutes... the sound of someone's dogs barking loudly in the background.

The folks running the call asked them to mute their phone, but to no avail.

Things went on for a while... then dogs, again.

Things went on again... then more dogs.


Professionalism: You are doing it wrong.

I have an adapter for the laptop again, yay! That means it'll be a lot easier for me to work on things again. Now if I could just kick this depression, I'd be back to full steam.

I'm listening to Jenny Lewis's new album, Acid Tongue. Okay stuff I guess, but I feel like I've moved on from all this so much that it's hard to make a connection with it. After all that went down, it's just hard to muster any enthusiasm for these things. I gave the last RK show in our area a miss, and I'm probably not going to the Jenny Lewis show in October either. I might have made the effort if Pierre was opening for her in our area, but he's only doing the West Coast leg. Rilo Kiley was the soundtrack for a lot of things that went on in my life for the past five years or so - but now it's pretty much just familiar pretty noise. So it goes. Working for them changed some things, brought me to some places I might not otherwise have gone, so no regrets.

I think this next chapter of my life is primarily a selfish one, anyhow. I'm focusing a lot of my energies internally, trying to work through some of this current of hopelessness that's run through me since the finances have taken this down turn. The way this world is going, man it's hard to think of what things will be like if the Republicans win this election. How can so many people be so blind to how bad the past years have been going? The downslide of our life has pretty much paralleled the downslide of the country - and no, we're not in a depression, are we? Just because everything's so damn bad with no end in sight. For all that McCain says he's about change too - the only thing he's changed are his lines.

Anyhow, other than trying to break the downward spiral, I feel that this is my time to start seriously focusing on my writing. I need to get the second comic script together, and finish the intro for this first comic. I'm definitely going to try NaNo this year - the poll seems to have Hans in the lead, but I'm pretty sure that won't be my option. Too much research needed on that one . I might work on Of Falorn, because it's a descriptive action type story and I need to work on my ability to pull that off. But I'm also thinking about the vampire novel - I really really want to revisit that, and fix a lot of the amateurish mistakes I made when writing it the first time around. Then there's the sequel to Tequila Sunset, which I've got almost all worked out in my head and just never set down. The first story pretty much wrote itself, so this one might do the same. I do want to finish What Simon Said someday, but not now I don't think. Victor Charlie is another possibility, I forgot to even put that one on the poll. More Michael is always appealing, but now with the comic - I feel like I'm giving him enough time as it is and I don't want to get too ahead of myself with the second series. Endless Summer - it would probably do me a world of good to finish that, because the events that it's based on are something I need to make some sense of anyhow.

... you know, I really don't like a couple of these songs. Godspeed, and Trying to Love you. The vocals are kind of painful. And Carpetbaggers - the part that used to be sung by Jonathan Rice in the live version, it just doesn't come through right on this version. And it's more polished and less real, if that makes sense. It's not so bad in Jack Killed Mom, but it's still a noticeable difference - it seems like in order to get the Special Guest Stars in, they cut out a lot of what made the songs good in the first place.

In roleplaying news, we're thinking about a new game, based on the Oregon Trail and using the Serenity RPG system. My WWII game is dragging like crazy, and the Buffy game is slowing down to a near standstill. Panfandom seems to be the way to go these days - but I'm not sure I could stand the crack inherent in that.

Facebook is pissing me off hardcore - they've always had some major inconveniences built into the system, like how you can't see anyone's page that isn't in your network. What the hell is up with that? Makes it very annoying. One of the things we tend to do is friend people for our musicians on Facebook - and they have this arbitrary limit to how many friends requests you can make per day. At least they tell you when you're approaching that limit, so you can stop and pick it up again tomorrow. But for some reason, even though we followed this procedure we usually do - they shut down one of our musician's pages saying that we were 'abusing a feature' or whatever. Eff you, Facebook. We wrote to them to try and straighten out the problem, but how are you supposed to network on Facebook? It's pointless to build their special 'band page' until you actually have a network of friends to try and get them to fan it - because in Facebook land you can't invite anyone you aren't friends with to fan your band page, either. It's like a vicious circle of crap-that-doesn't-really-work. Myspace isn't much better really, but at least you can SEE and FRIEND people. Grr. So far they haven't written back , but that could be because of the weekend. But I hope this doesn't turn into one of those have-to-track-down-contact situations.

So let's see.. in other news...

Bad things:
- still no word from the job Aus interviewed for - possibly another bit of false hope
- betta fish is sick , possibly just constipated, possibly dying
- lost a band lackey job
- no interview for column

Good things:
- went to the zoo Monday with mom and my brothers
- sold a couple of books this week
- finished book review for The Smart One
- finished Stouffers frozen dinner review
- wrote a poem/song thing (well, would be a song if I could write music)
- have two columns planned out


Still to do:
- Designated Daughter review
- read / review Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead
- write column


I have one more book to read after that too, but it hasn't arrived yet.

Things we need but can't afford right now:
- my back medicine (pain = bad)
- a new pair of shoes for our son Steve (he has holes in his soles)
- new filter for our water (we use a Brita water filter for the sink, 'cause the well water is kinda unhealthy unfiltered)
- battery recharger (we use rechargeable batteries because it's better for the environment and they're cheaper and our charger just up and died)

And of course, there are the constant demands of:
- gas
- food
- rent


Things you can do to help:
Buy a book from our used book store! We have 79 books for sale right now, and we're adding more amazing books all the time.

Hire us for band work! We do/ have done work for bands including Ozma, Rilo Kiley, Interpol, Terami Hirsch, The Elected, Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins, Eben Brooks band, and Tommy Wallach. We work either on a monthly fee or contract for a specific job (ie: promote for the duration of a tour, create a newsletter, write a press release, make a graphic... etc). Our services include promotion, social networking services, graphics, newsletter/ bulletin and site content ghostwriting, press releases, and site creation/maintenance. Usually we work with musicians, but hey -if you have a book to promote, would like to grow your social network for a business, need a graphic - get in touch for a price quote.

Hire Aus for computer work! Aus can do PHP programing, set up or maintain a database or online store, set up a basic website, set up a mailing list, gallery, or so on. Contact us with what you are looking for and get a price quote.

Buy a micro fiction postcard. For your donation of five dollars or more, I will choose a random lovely postcard from my postcard collection and write you your very own micro story on the back. This story will be specifically written just for you - you can even tell me what topic or theme you'd like (no erotica or gore). Each postcard will be numbered - and if I ever make it to the big time someday, it might be a collectible you can ebay or cherish. Either way. Get in touch and let me know what you'd like.

Hire Aus for a full time job! If you live in the South Jersey area and have an open position , have an open position in your company, or know of an open position you can give us a lead on - this would be tremendously helpful. Aus has been applying all over the place - he's seeking a full time position in the computer field. He is a Microsoft certified database administrator and could use some related work experience - so it would be very helpful for him to get an entry level job with a good company. Benefits a plus, but at this point we'll take what we can get.

We will also take any freelance work that is available - we're both correspondents at Gather.com - Aus writes for Money, and I write for Music - though we've covered a wide variety of other topics including politics, news, book reviews, and product reviews in our regular articles.

I finally got social security to give the kids their cards - it only took five visits, each time they said they wanted something different. Finally I just brought all three kids and their ids and my ids and just said look, this is the best I can do. That apparently worked.

I have to do a lot of little errands tomorrow - we sold a book, so have to drop that off at the post office. Then we have to drop off some tiny three dollar checks (hey, every little bit helps) from Pinecone and such , and then we have to go fax some resumes in the hopes that Aus might get an interview.

In work-type-news, This weekend, I have to write my column and do some assorted music type things - work on myspace, imeem, etc. for the bands and so forth. I've also come across some new music sites that I want to check out- some that'll be helpful to me with the column and some that'll be helpful to our bands. I wonder if I'll get to review any books for July? I applied to review a couple, but I'm not sure if I got 'em or not yet. I have a lot of things to read anyhow if I don't get them, but I hope I do. I really like doing book reviews.